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WW and I had a little tiff on Saturday night, after she had been working a realtor's event all day. I knew she would be busy, but I sent her several texts throughout the day (not just checking in, actual things like "I'm making a to-do list for a housekeeper, what do you want her to do?) and got very sparse responses for the 6 hours or so she was gone. This always sets off little alarm bells for me, especially because this was an event centered around drinking (a wine tasting kind of thing) and that always makes me nervous. She was also partnered at this event with another realtor who I've always thought CLEARLY wants to get with her, and we've had conversations about him before.

When she got home I could tell she was tipsy--not totally fall-down drunk, but maybe 2 or 3 glasses of wine tipsy. She felt I was being "controlling" by getting upset that she wasn't responding to my texts. I get where she's coming from, she was busy working, so we put it to rest.

The next day, we continue talking and she admits that the guy got inappropriate with her. This was all in public, never alone--but he said something in a flirty way like "What would you do if I came on to you?" and she said she told him she would shut him down and that would NEVER happen.

Then, she proceeded to say that she is a sex/love addict and has had affairs on me, but that she loves me and is trying to work through it. Of course he says "I'm a sex addict too!" and she clarifies that she's a legit addict who is going to SLAA and has a sponsor, and he then says "oh...I just like sex."

So, anyway. My alarm bells are going off all over the place. We've already agreed that talking about sex is 100% off limits with any man. And we don't tell anyone about our problems unless we agree to it. She broke both of those, but she says it was an attempt at being honest with him and making him "realize he can't get anywhere with her." I think it had the opposite effect.

So this seems like staggering emotional immaturity to me, and I've told her how much this upsets me and how violated I feel by this, and how I feel like I'm watching her walk down a path to an affair again. I'm kind of at a loss.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 12:49 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

Wildly inappropriate overall -- although explaining to the guy that she was working on her issues to save her M -- isn't terrible, just handled horribly wrong. No need to discuss marital issues with ANYone outside of IC/MC and supportive family members in the know.

My wife had a similar setback when she was trying to repair a bad boundary issue with a former co-worker. I realized it is not an instant turn around after years of a learned behavior and response. Anyway, very similar conversation in that my wife was certain she made her message clear, that our marriage was the priority. She only realized later how far off the rails it is to discuss our marriage with a dude who has interest in her. It is the flag that men in pursuit of married women are searching for -- is the M in trouble? Then he has an opening.

No incidents since then, because no one gets in close enough to ask the personal questions. It took a while, but my wife now gets it.

It sounds like your wife still needs to address that validation issue. Yes, she turned him away this time, but she NEEDED that flirting affirmation FIRST, before she stepped up. Why did she NEED to feel wanted by him before trying to shut it down? It is a dangerous game that she is no longer ALLOWED to play.

Entirely inappropriate behavior. Because I tend to give WSs in R the benefit of the doubt, I'll say that maybe, PERHAPS, in some misguided way she saw this as taking ownership of her prior actions and shutting this guy down.

However, it's completely inappropriate to discuss such a personal matter with a colleague, especially one who tried to start something, and it violated a boundary of your relationship.

Would she be willing to discuss in IC or MC her seeming desire to overshare with people who have no need to know her business?

I have to agree that the talk about SA was very inappropriate, basically code for "I am vulnerable and can be taken advantage of."

But at least she was honest about the exchange, so you can explain to her what you don't like about her behavior. Seems like you might be able to turn this into a positive.

Twice, i get why you're bothered by this. At a time when she should be doing everything in her power to prove she is reconciliation material and invested, she's giving some dude that wants to bone her the gatekey to how to do it.

Yeah, I'd be second guessing reconciliation from that alone, not taking into account the other stuff.

What are your thoughts on a postnup.

She clearly has serious boundary issues. She may not even realize what she has done and that it is completely inappropriate for a married woman to even bring up her personal life must less her sex life to any man. I would suggest that you talk to her about this and explain to her that it is unacceptable and that she is asking for more trouble.

You can bet this guy has marked her for further targeting in the future. It is probably just a game to him to see if he can eventually work her so that he can get a chance to have sex with her one day. I would not allow her to be in his presence again without you being there yourself.

Has she gone to IC? This boundary issue is something that she could work on with an IC. Just a thought.

So why is a recovering sex addict going to events like this with members of the opposite sex AND DRINKING??? Maybe she had to go for work and wasn't allowed to take you (which I question, I think you should have went) but nobody can force alcohol down her throat. She absolutely should NOT be drinking unless you're with her.

I realized it is not an instant turn around after years of a learned behavior and response. Anyway, very similar conversation in that my wife was certain she made her message clear, that our marriage was the priority. She only realized later how far off the rails it is to discuss our marriage with a dude who has interest in her.

I genuinely think she was TRYING to do the right thing. My IC has focused on "being a truthteller" (in regards to me talking about my feelings) and she says she was taking that to heart and trying to be honest with this guy about why he should stop pursuing her. Which sounds crazy, but I know she really felt that way.

It sounds like your wife still needs to address that validation issue. Yes, she turned him away this time, but she NEEDED that flirting affirmation FIRST, before she stepped up. Why did she NEED to feel wanted by him before trying to shut it down? It is a dangerous game that she is no longer ALLOWED to play.

I didn't think about it that way until now. Yes, this is a dangerous game--I don't know why she waited until AFTER he got inappropriate to shut it down.

@DF/Gman: I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt also, that I do think she was actually trying to shut him down.

She has horrible, nonexistent boundaries. It's the biggest thing she is working on in IC and at SLAA. She has already been discussing how she is too open with other people (and men in general) in IC, so I certainly hope she'll be talking about this incident. I do think she's learning but this was a big mistake in handling boundary issues.

NTV: I've considered a postnup. It just seems to harsh to me, almost like an "I know our M will fail" step. I can't rule it out, but I haven't brought it up to her either. I don't know anything about them, to be honest. I'm still going to have to support DD no matter what.

Lastly, Idiot--I also think it MAY be a positive in the end... she was honest with me. She didn't have to be (she never has to be, obviously), and she knew it would be an issue when she told me. So she is trying and I DO think her heart is in the right place, validation issues aside.

I'm just afraid now that we've already chatted about it a time or two, when I bring it up again it'll seem like I'm just reaming her for it repeatedly. I need to find a tactful way of saying "hey I know we talked about this already, but here are some other things that worry me."

I'm just afraid now that we've already chatted about it a time or two, when I bring it up again it'll seem like I'm just reaming her for it repeatedly. I need to find a tactful way of saying "hey I know we talked about this already, but here are some other things that worry me."

You're not trying to punish her by bringing it up -- you're merely trying to help her be the safe partner she claims to want to be. In that context, you're not beating her with the same stick, you're illuminating a way to help the issue she is working on.

Specifically, my wife truly thought -- as long as she wasn't being intimate with the guy, it was all good, i.e., a little validation never hurt anyone. Until it does. That ego kibble, feel good moment IS the problem that leads back down that horrible path.

We didn't cheat because WE know when someone likes us, we shut that shit down right away, to keep it from being a bigger 'thing'.

Again, talking to members of the opposite sex about marriage problems is like the red flag the bull sees and can't wait to run after. Talking to dudes about relationship issues or sex addiction is a giant green light to that guy, even though she thought she 'shut it down.'

Meaning well is great, all the way until that broken boundary leads to further contact or the next guy with a compliment on a more vulnerable day.

Just to have the other point of view. For a sex addict then sex is a disease. In a way, it’s no more a breach of boundaries than an alcoholic telling someone that they will refuse a brandy because they are a recovering alcoholic. It’s no more a factor than telling someone you have a peanut-allergy or cat allergy.

But then – I guess few alcoholics go about telling everyone and anyone that offers them a drink that they are alcoholic. Most would simply say no and move on.

It’s a border-issue, but not necessarily infidelity issue IMHO.

You're not trying to punish her by bringing it up....

I get good mileage from starting with that explicitly ...

'I do not bring this up to punish you, but I have a concern I'd like to talk about. Is now a decent time?'

You may get good mileage, too.

Sorry but this is BS (and not betrayed spouse either)

You see this is the gently gently I have to be understanding they (both male and female waywards) are trying their darnest, that gets people into trouble.

So your wife basically went to a trigger fest.

The type of situation that nurtured the affair *trigger*

You seeking affirmation that even in the midst of being super busy she couldn't send you timely comfort texts to put your mind at ease *trigger*

Of course she wasn't too busy to have a whole conversation that eventually steered towards sex and her divulging deeply personal information like she's a sex addict because you know people just blurt out deeply personal stuff like that...especially stuff that might egg on a person to try and get them into bed...of course all this under the backdrop you trying to get in touch and out your mind at ease but of course now you know what she was doing..bet that would have put your mind at ease? *TRIGGER!!*

Now you're being asked to understand, you're even saying she's trying so..

How in a public place did she manage to isolate herself so she and he could have a one on one chat..the kind of chat that led to sex talk because you know she didn't shout I'm a sex addict in front of a bunch of people.

Good luck bro. Phone in hand while a guy is coming onto her? Yeah she's trying alright...

The guy she was "interacting" with now has newfound hope for nailing your wife. After all, how long can a sex addict hold out? She should never share that kind of information with anyone. Nearly everyone that hears will just see a slut trying to make excuses for her behavior. Yeah, it's not fair but not much in life is...

I'm sorry that you are in this horrible situation. Living with a borderline is a tremendous burden and you are likely to be collateral damage as she works to try & get her shit together. If I were you I would shore up MY boundaries and make sure she knows the rules for staying married.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 4:38 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

why didn't she tell him I am so easy, keep trying with the wine.

Will she go NC with him?

Why does she go to these type of events without you and with another man?

Will she let you date another woman all day and not get upset that you do not respond?

This is just a bad situation. She should never be around him again.

Then, she proceeded to say that she is a sex/love addict and has had affairs on me, but that she loves me and is trying to work through it. Of course he says "I'm a sex addict too!" and she clarifies that she's a legit addict who is going to SLAA and has a sponsor, and he then says "oh...I just like sex."

No, no, no! Completely over the line, particularly given her history of slipping over the boundary to total infidelity. I hear it more like bragging. Flirting a bit, if you will. I would demand a clear boundary with this guy, a no drinking policy for the time being, complete accountability (yes, you will respond to my texts in a timely fashion), etc. She is not yet safe. Not by a long shot. Your alarm bells are working just fine, TwiceWounded. Time to sit down with your fWW and have a serious talk about the "new rules" as a direct result of her past infidelities. What worked "then" no longer works today. The rules must change if she's serious to working toward R.

Wow! This is just such a horrible story on so many levels. Truthteller? The real truth is if someone asked if they could come on to her after a few glasses of wine is I would slap you in the face and report you. Her truth is to tell him that she is easy pickings as she has had affairs before. And by the way, no one at a business function says anything like this unless strong signals are given out. My wife tried to tell me that her OM kissed her first. My response was on what planet does an electrician kiss the owner of the house unless he got some super strong signals that it was ok.

TW, the fact that you think she was trying to do the right thing is very alarming. I am sorry, but your wife has a history and you are in my opinion enabling her by telling her that this is OK. This is not a safe relationship.

She should never share that kind of information with anyone. Nearly everyone that hears will just see a slut trying to make excuses for her behavior.

^this

That man had absolutely no reason to have to know that about her.

My impression:

It was flirting not just inappropriate conversation.

Would you consider bringing the subject of postnup up? Could be her reaction will say alot.

I speak WS so I will translate.

OM:what would you do if I came on to you?

Translation: You are sending me signals you are interested, I would like to confirm.

WW:. I would shut you down and that would never happen. I am a sex addict, who has cheated on her multiple times, loves him and what to work it out.

Translation: yes I interested but I just got caught.

OM: I am a sex addict TOO!

Translation: great I can be discreet and you won't be caught again

WW: I am a legit addict and have a sponsor.

TRANSLATION: He is all over me and I can not risk it.

OM: oh I just like sex

Translation: ok let me know.

Your wife violated boundaries well before for this guy to be so bold.

Her longer explanation is the type of information she should not have shared. It will not discourage him at all. She knows that. She was turning him on.

I agree 100% with Rambler's translation. She was definitely sending out the signals to keep pursuing.

Totally unacceptable.