SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I learned of my wife's affair there were many thoughts that ran through my mind. My wife and I talked about these things it seemed every day for about two years. And it took another three or four years after that to begin to believe what she had told me. To be honest, some of these thoughts still haunt my mind from time to time. Not seeking answers. Just sharing what went through my mind during that time and sometimes even now almost 12 years out.

1. If you professed your love for the AP why did you choose to stay with me? No longer a concern.

2. If said that he was not a better lover than me yet you choose to have sex with him and reject me during the affair. So he must be a better lover than me because you would rather have sex with him over me. She told me he was a better lover at the time. Now she says it is not true but wont ever believe her.

3. How do I know that you are not still in contact with the AP now? How can I trust you ever again? I do trust my wife. But not like before. Now I ask questions and I am uncomfortable with a situation or a new friend, male or female.

4. What was wrong with me that you decided to cheat on me with another man? I was blamed for the affair. Not being there enough. It took about four months before she took full ownership of the affair. I refused to be blamed for it.

5. You must hate me because you cheated me so coldly during the affair. Why are you so in love with me now? I know now she never hated me. She needed to vilify me to make it easier for her to cheat. How she treated me is one of her biggest shame.

6. You must think the AP is a better man than me. She never said this. This came out of my mind. She always rejected this statement.

7. Did you do things with him that you never/refused to do with me? Why with him and not me? She did. I still struggle with this one. Even today.

8. You planned this affair all along. She denies this but I still struggle with this one from time to time. He was a friend and she talked me into allowing him to move in with us because he fell on hard times. Being a friend to both of us I did not mind too much. I felt that they were having an affair before he moved in but she denies this to this day. I still am not sure if I believe her.

9. Some days you are the love of my life. Some days you are the killer of my soul. It was true then. She is still the love of my life.

9. How could you love me and him? Still don't quite understand this one. You say you love me yet treat me like crap, reject me sexually, and are cold toward me, yet you love me. No way.

10. Well it is a new year. I guess I will keep you for at another year. This is something we say to each other. Has nothing to do with the affair really but it took on a new meaning after it. Now it is a time to reflect, regroup, and refocus on our marriage. One day, one month, one year at a time.

Dude, some of what you've written must sting. I'm not sure I could live with some of what you have said.

You also seem really focused on her. Are you happy in your M now?

Now, yes I am happy in the marriage. Our communication is better and she did the work it took to keep me. D-day will be 12 years this April. And though it was rough for some time, I am glad we stayed together. We have a 10 year son now. She is still vigilant and still making sure I feel safe.

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I have some of those same questions/ concerns.

William- you R and I respect that... but why wouldn’t you damn well tell her she better do with you what she did with AP? What was her answer for the why him and not you, and why not you NOW? You deserve first class treatment for not kicking her to the gutter, for having dignity and for showing her grace. If she wants to keep you it’s up to her to show you you are more important..if she bitches tell her you deserve that level of excitement and she needs to find a way to provide it. That’s simply unnaccptable to me. I feel for you man

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:59 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

For 1 and 9: How you love another person is based on your maturity level. Hopefully your wife has matured and her love style no longer involves using (and abusing) others.

7. Did you do things with him that you never/refused to do with me? Why with him and not me? She did. I still struggle with this one. Even today.

Could you share how this has played out over the years. Did it get resolved or just end up a stalemate?

nicenomore: There were three things that she did with the AP that she did not do with me, anal, him finishing in her mouth and in her face. This was hard for me to overcome. I still struggle from time to time with this one. She has offered to allow me to do these things. My problem is I felt that it was out of guilt and shame for allowing him to do those things but not me. Now I never asked to finish in her face. That is simply not something I ever really wanted to do. Him doing it to my wife made me angry at her for allowing him to treat her like a porn star.

And that is what she was to him. I torn into her over that in my anger for months after D-day. My wife stated that she did not like him finishing in her mouth and face but did it because she wanted to please him. Once she was able to get past the affair, about two months from D-day, that is when it really began to hit her just how bad he treated her. How disrespectful he was to her and that she was only there to fulfill his sexual fantasies, she felt lower than dirt. True healing started between us at around this point. Before this time I was about to file.

She did ended up liking anal and wanted to do that with me but for the first five or six years I refused to do it. Just the thought of the act made me want to go off. We have since done that act. The other two I have no desire to really do though she has said it would be alright.

Edit: DIFM, I hope this answers your question. If not I will try and clarify.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 8:14 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

still-living: We have gotten past that. The treatment during the affair ended once she was busted. He being mean to me was way of trying to get me to stay out of her business and wall me off. She has stated, and I believe her, that she was never planning on leaving me. She blind to how mean she was to me during this time.

What made her realize just how bad she treated me was her sister, who did not know about the affair at the time. She commented to us that she was worried about us because (to my wife) "you were being so horrible to him". Nothing wakes a person up to how they have been when an family member points it out.

WIlliam- thanks for sharing your thoughts, I get it. The important thing in my mind is that your wife understand the gravity of the humiliation and disrespect, and is willing to let you do what you want if it helps take the pain away. It’s your choice not to engage in those acts because in order to R healthily you need to regain some form of respect for your wife, so treating her like a disposable fuck toy wouldn’t be doing yourself any favors. The logic makes sense. I only hope that she has taken an active role in becoming more accommodating to your desires and needs as a man, treats you like a king for accepting her back, and is wholeheartedly available to you, mind body, and soul. And I also hope you have found things you can do with her that no other man ever has, things to make your own, if you will.

I can see it’s still hard for you, and you mentioned that you tore into her after dday about the feeling of humiliation, would you say she understands it completely now? What does she do to prove to you that You are and forever the #1 man in her life?

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:48 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for your honest post.

I think it will help most of the folks that read it, especially ones who are much newer to R than you are.

Are you saying it's your own integrity that makes you not demand the 2 acts? That's how I read your post.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:13 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Reads like a page out of my story with my WW.

I have a serious question; WTF is it with anal/swallowing and A's? It's like every d**n time I read a BH story, it's in there. Wife wouldn't do it (which is almost always the 2 things above) gets in an A, does it for OM on the first date.

I hope a few WW's will stop by and answer it, but, man, if you realized what this does to men.. This is the death blow for many of us; and it would be a whole lot less so if it was something that was already done in the relationship. But many men enjoy those acts, and many men view them both as the closest type of intimacy you can have with a woman. Why the heck are there so many of these stories? Do male AP's often push for it because they want these things (and aren't getting them for their wives in some cases)? Is it a respect thing; I want to make it hurt as much as possible for my H, so I'm going to do things for the OM that will destroy him (even if you later regret it)? A sexual attraction thing (I just couldn't stop myself with the OM)?

I just don't get it, why is this so common?

And William, I'm so sorry, I'm right there with you man, you could have written my story.

Reads like a page out of my story with my WW.

I have a serious question; WTF is it with anal/swallowing and A's? It's like every d**n time I read a BH story, it's in there. Wife wouldn't do it (which is almost always the 2 things above) gets in an A, does it for OM on the first date.

I hope a few WW's will stop by and answer it, but, man, if you realized what this does to men.. This is the death blow for many of us; and it would be a whole lot less so if it was something that was already done in the relationship. But many men enjoy those acts, and many men view them both as the closest type of intimacy you can have with a woman. Why the heck are there so many of these stories? Do male AP's often push for it because they want these things (and aren't getting them for their wives in some cases)? Is it a respect thing; I want to make it hurt as much as possible for my H, so I'm going to do things for the OM that will destroy him (even if you later regret it)? A sexual attraction thing (I just couldn't stop myself with the OM)?

I just don't get it, why is this so common?

And William, I'm so sorry, I'm right there with you man, you could have written my story.

SOrry for the slight T/J

But ride it out does your WW now offer you what you want?

Nicenomore:

Yes, in some ways, she does. I required way too much effort to get there though, and some things are still not on offer.

The worst part of it, because of what happened, those acts, the ones I so wanted our entire marriage, no longer hold the significance they once did. It's hard, because, before the A, those things were my "dreams" with my W, now it's tainted by the A.

That said, I never could have stayed if they weren't on offer. It just wasn't an option for me, there's no way I could get over that, call me immature if you like, but it's just too big a deal for me to "let it go" or think "well, the AP must have compelled it".

Personally, I think for most women, it is gross. But when they are in an affair their desire to please their OM overrides the gross factor. I never pushed my wife to do anything she did not want to do. I bet the OM was way more persistent and beggy. Is "beggy" a word! It is all a part of the fantasy of the affair. That is what I think IMHO.

edited: Also I believe that the WW did not understand the damage she did by doing things with the AP that she would not with BH. I don't think they understood the humiliation of it all. In some cases I don't think they will ever fully grasp it.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 12:57 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

William,

I'm sure your right; think about it from your perspective (or mine, if it doesn't resonate with you). I'm in an A. Why not try for anal/swallowing/sex in public/etc? What difference does it make, it's an A; go for the things that you want to do, it's not like you actually see a future with this woman, respect her, or care for her feelings. It's all about you, so; yeah, I get it, because I'm sure that would be me in an A. I don't/didn't push my wife for things because I respect her and care for her, the very opposite of how I imagine myself feeling about an AP.

So, I get why the AP's push for it. What I don't get is why the WW's/WH's do it. Because the same dynamic applies, I'm in an A, why give up anal to this idiot, he's not going to be around long anyway. Why swallow for him, he's going to leave and go sleep with his wife after this anyway. That's the part that I don't understand. I get why an AP would push for it, but don't get why the other AP would give in to that, the AP doesn't matter nearly as much as the BS does, even the most delusional of the waywards does seem to come to understand that eventually.

And yes, I do think, unique to my situation, my WW will never understand what this hurts so much. Any sexual act she's ever wanted has been on the table for her, I don't think she can imagine why something she'd withheld from me would be so important because nothing has ever been withheld from her. And I think that's often the case for women, if they want to have any sexual experience in the world it's as easy as asking; or, worst case, posting on Craigslist. So I don't think they understand why something that they can get with a phone call or simply saying "yes" would be so valuable to us.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 1:07 PM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

Rideitout

Did you ever tell your wife this:

...my WW will never understand what this hurts so much. Any sexual act she's ever wanted has been on the table for her, I don't think she can imagine why something she'd withheld from me would be so important because nothing has ever been withheld from her.

Because what I hear is every sexual fantasy she had has been fulfilled during her affair. She is denying yours because she has been there/done that. If I am reading that right then she is very selfish.

Ride- i fee for you man. I would hope that anything she did with the AP is wholeheartedly on the table for you. I do get the feeling like she is still unremorseful to a degree. Frankly she should be desperate bfor the chance to R and willing to do almost whatever you need to accept her back. The choice to engage in what may be considered disrespectful acts should be yours to or not to do, if she did them with the AP. And I am of the belief that nothing is necessarily disrespectful of done within a living marriage, only if it’s done outside the marriage is it ALWAYS disrespectful. I can’t fathom staying with a WS who isn’t all in

The deeper you go in this process the deeper you understand the questions you pose and the more the answers evolve.

These are excellent questions. Some thoughts:

1. Love professed in an affair is part of the fantasy. It is to create the dopamine. When you cross a line (saying I love you to someone you should not say that to), you trigger a dopamine rush. Any taboo breaker does this. They mean it insofar as they want to feel that rush. Those are "I love you's" are not real. They don't mean it as, I want to be with you forever and I love everything about you. They mean, I love you for right now and want to hear myself say that to intensify the rush.

2. The affair sex is not a rejection of the marital sex. It exists because of the marriage. Without the marriage, the sizzle in the affair would have evaporated. Affair sex is an escape from inner pain that has nothing to do with the spouse or the marriage. Usually old wounds from childhood, low self esteem and self sabotage. It does not come from a healthy place, so never pedestalize it.

3. You put them on full surveillance until they earn the trust back. You have to monitor them with and without their knowledge for an amount of time that satisfies you that it is truly over. Spot checking, whereabout checking, zero secret passwords, WITH their full cooperation. Trust must be earned. Only YOU will know when enough time goes by to assure you you no longer have to do that.

4. Nothing was wrong with you or the marriage. That is the easy source of rationalization. No spouse deserves to be cheating on. No marriage deserves infidelity. They can leave.