SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here I have a two part question. The first one is ,I’m wondering if my wife is just a cheater. We’ve been together since she was 15 she’s 34 now. We both cheated when we were teenagers due to curiosity but we never split up. She went on to be faithful for 16 years until last may. This is my first time knowing about her cheating since she was 17. Should I be counting the first time when we were kids? Does this mean she just can’t go a full lifetime without messing up ever so often? Also I’m kinda down on people being able to really be faithful and I feel like the worst thing that can happen has already passed , so is an open marriage really a bad idea at this point ? considering I’ll never stop loving her .

When a woman cheats at this age, it usually doesn't stop with one boyfriend. She adopts an affair mindset, but you're usually blamed for her actions, so if you get into an open marriage, she'll keep cheating but she'll also keep blaming. It's not likely to last.

You're not young kids dating. You're adults with a serious commitment to one another. Hold her accountable. Refuse to accept any responsibility for her actions. Demand she be faithful if she wants to stay married. That is the only real way to move forward in my experience. I've seen MANY relationships go from cheating to open, and it's usually just a few months until the couple splits.

Sorry Bennu. Talk to a lawyer to make sure you understand the divorce process, and consider filing. It's the fastest/easiest way to get someone's head out of their ass. Second way is the 180. You can do a Google search for more info on it. Basically, it's you living as if your wayward wife doesn't matter at all to you. Act happy, go about your business, don't make dates or try to have conversations -- treat her like a coworker you have to see but don't really like.

Depending on what the lawyer says or what road you decide to take, you can count on others here being able to give you support and advice to fit your situation. We're here if you need us. Good luck.

As for the first part of the question I think that's really up to you. Some would consider it cheating; some not. Some would say it was a young person's indiscretion; some would say it's rugsweeping.

As for recent events, I think that if you say let's have an open marriage you would still want boundaries on that. Your wife has already betrayed you and violated boundaries set. As an IC I've seen many, many couples try to "fix" infidelity with let's have an open marriage but it only results in more hurt. You and your wife need to decide and make an effort to heal the marriage or divorce and heal yourselves individually. Just because you love her doesn't equal you being married to her and let her treat you poorly.

Yeah I’m just trying to understand what type of person I’m dealing with a cheater or a person that messed up once

First off she is making a conscious choice to cheat. If your considering reconciling there would need to be genuine remorse she cheated not regret she got caught.

No one can say she can’t change. I know I will never 100 percent trust my fwh. We are solid in our reconciliation. Yes we have come communication issues right now mostly due to his hearing loss he is having. But I am at about 98 percent in trusting him not to cheat again.

I disagree with opening the marriage. I would inform her that she opened the marriage by having an affair and failed to notify you. Tell her that you are considering having your own affair. See how that works for her.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 9:35 AM, January 29th (Monday)]

People cheat because there is something inherently broken within themselves. Some cheat just one time, some multiple, but the cure for the disease so to speak is the willingness, and ability to dig deep, figure out the reasons why, and fix it.

If that work is not done, then yes a cheater will cheat again. Also if there is no real consequence for the cheating, the determination and real work often gets glazed over and people fall back into their old habits.

Now to answer your question about an "Open M". Please know that most people that do this don't stay married, I don't know the stats, but I do know of many couples that have tried this. I know of one couple that their relationship was open with very clear rules, and boundaries from the time they met in college, and they have been successful with it, but the entire basis of the relationship is that it is built on transparency, honesty, and openness.

Most people that try this after an A do so out of desperation, and attempt to justify that it's ok if we say it is.... the problem in A's though isn't the act of the A, be it a EA or a PA, it's the lies and deceit that go along with it. It's the trickle truth, and ongoing lies after an A that usually kill any attempt at R, and result in D. NOT the A itself.

I disagree with opening the marriage. I would inform her that she opened the marriage by having an affair and failed to notify you. Tell her that you are considering having your own affair. See how that works for her.

Crazymixedupkid

I agree with the above. If you make the mistake of opening your marriage you will be at a disadvantage because you’re male.

I know of a guy that talked his wife into an open marriage. They both signed up on a dating site. She had more replies than she could handle. He got very few. It’s very easy for a woman to give away free sex. Men not so much.

There is no way to guarantee balance....

What if she cheats 47 times and you cheat 6

What if she has unicorn infatuation with her lover, and you don't?

What if she decides she like him more, and you haven't found that special one?

what if she gets a STD?

what if she prefers to spend most of her time with OM?

Nothing stays the same...this also goes for coasting in a marriage, waiting for some reason....

If there is no relationship, people grow apart..people get bored...cheaters use anything for an excuse to cross boundaries....

why would you want to share her, if you love her so much? I cant imagine the pain that would cause.

She lied, cheated and crossed boundaries before.. why wouldn't she, if you made some agreement on what open marriage must be?

She cant be trusted...not even in open marriage. If lying sneaking, and having sex hurt you before, its likely to continue to hurt you.

Could this be part of pick me dance?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:05 AM, January 29th (Monday)]

You can open the marriage if you don't mind her having sex with other men (while you have sex with other women). Some people can do this, I couldn't but there are people so I've heard. If you have good looks and ironclad game you might be able to keep up, but its a lot of work along with some luck (not all girls out want to get laid). On the other hand, if her looks haven't went to hell, she can walk into any bar and find some Chad that will screw her.

If this isn't your idea of a good marriage then don't do it. People can be faithful, if they choose to do so. Otherwise, free will is just a cruel joke isn't it?

And yes, you can stop loving her and love another. Trust me. Not without time and distance though.

It is ridiculous for you to open your marriage after infidelity. This will just make things much worse. To heal a marriage you need to turn towards each other, not away from each other.

The basic, and most important, tenet of having an open marriage is TRUST. There is no trust in your marriage at this point and you are just opening up yourself for more pain and hurt by opening the marriage.

Opening your marriage at this point is opening yourself up to a world of hurt, Bennu. You think the worst has happened already? Open your marriage and you will be surprised at what worse things can happen and how painful it will be for you.

Protect yourself.

You can open the marriage if you don't mind her having sex with other men (while you have sex with other women). Some people can do this, I couldn't but there are people so I've heard. If you have good looks and ironclad game you might be able to keep up, but its a lot of work along with some luck (not all girls out want to get laid). On the other hand, if her looks haven't went to hell, she can walk into any bar and find some Chad that will screw her.

You can't keep up. Unless your wildly famous (Brad Pitt), incredibly rich (Bill Gates) or a complete psychopath who will use game relentlessly to manipulate women, you can't even come close. The only way an open relationship works is if the man is free to use prostitutes and you have enough money to do that without care for the cost. Very, very few women will agree to that (with good reason), but, without that, you'll always be in 2nd place to her. Think about it, everywhere a woman goes, literally, there are dozens of men who will have sex with her without a moment's notice. Every bar, every hotel; shoot, every time she goes shopping. There's a line of men waiting for her to say "Hi, my name's Kate, would you like to go fool around". And if she's especially attractive, it's even more ridiculous; she doesn't have to say anything, just wait for the first guy to proposition her every day and she'll have 300+ new partners in a year.

The kind of sexual access that women have to men is something that, outside of walking into a brothel with a suitcase of cash, men will never experience. You better be ready to be that guy in the brothel with the suitcase if you hope to have 1/2 as much sex as she can/will during an open relationship.

What if she cheats 47 times and you cheat 6

What if she has unicorn infatuation with her lover, and you don't?

What if she decides she like him more, and you haven't found that special one?

what if she gets a STD?

what if she prefers to spend most of her time with OM?

Add to the list:

What if she gets pregnant by OM and wants you to financially support her and the child?

If you agreed, you would very likely be on the hook for child support for the full 18 years and college too depending on the agreements made during D. You only get 2 - 4 years, sometimes less, in most states in the US to contest paternity and dissolve the marriage. Some give you none if she gives birth while you're still married or you sign the birth certificate!

I have seen this happen to 3 people in the last week. 1 was attempted and luckily didn't succeed and in one case, the WW had recently aborted the baby with her spouse and now expected him to raise the OM's child. This is a real concern with long lasting consequences.

For myself...what is the point of a marriage if it's an "open" one? Such an oxymoron. Why be married if it isn't exclusive.

Get a divorce if you want to sleep around, or be in limerance with other people. Or call yourself roomates or business partners.

I effing hate the whole "open" marriage crap! It's NOT a marriage if you are fucking other people!!!

I guess the question is do you want an open M?

You have been overall been faithful so I tend to think you value that. Sometimes. I think some knnhere consider this option because they want to avoid D and don't think they can stop the other person anyway. They settle. I also wonder is she would be happy for you to sleep with other women? Just because a spouse cheats does not mean they are wanting that the other way around. I'm pretty sure my H would have been very upset if I didn't be same even though it is wildly hypocritical

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 1:08 PM, January 29th (Monday)]

I agree, an open m is a bad idea. I don't think they work often in ideal circumstances where there is lots of trust, etc. After a betrayal, it will eat your marriage up and spit ti out.

I can't see how an open marriage in a case such as this would bring anything but more misery, and I'm saying that as a proponent of open marriage. The thing is, for an open relationship to be healthy and thrive I kinda think you need 2 people on the honesty & trust scale who rival Ghandi.

Most sports fans at one time or another have thought they could coach their favorite team better than the guy actually doing it. Well, they can't. If they got the chance to actually do it they would be overwhelmed and would likely embarrass themselves.

Open relationships are a lot like that. Everyone thinks they have abundant history, love, trust, openness and honesty. But when the clothes hit the floor a lot of weird emotional shit can happen. Sadly, I speak from experience.

You'll see a lot of people indict open marriages, period, under any circumstances. That's close minded but much more importantly it misses the point.

Any marriage needs deep roots in honesty, trust and openness to survive. An open marriage needs that times 10. Can't see how you get to that place so soon after cheating, if ever.

Open relationships are a myth...it’s simply tolerated infidelity at best.

With all due respect, I apologize for the threadjack, but I am curious about all the people who say it's so much easier for a female to get laid than a male. I also noticed that most of the people saying this are males themselves. If that's true, then why have I suffered long sex droughts in the past, during my 20s too which is supposed to be my peak sex years? And the most prominent sex drought occurred when with a WBF too...yep, denying me sex while giving it to others.

People cheat because there is something inherently broken within themselves. Some cheat just one time, some multiple, but the cure for the disease so to speak is the willingness, and ability to dig deep, figure out the reasons why, and fix it.

If that

^^^This! It doesn't matter whether you count the teenage indiscretion or not. What you know is that she recently betrayed you and that if she doesn't do the work to sort out what character gap she has, then you are at risk of being betrayed yet again.

I’m kinda down on people being able to really be faithful

Your wife just shattered the dreams you had of the future and ripped a hole in your heart. That is incredibly painful, disheartening and disillusioning. But don't go making the generalization that there aren't faithful people and that you should just settle.

considering I’ll never stop loving her

This is a reflection of what you want and expect for yourself. You feel the inherent need (that everyone has) to be loved and respected. You shouldn't accept less than this, especially within a marriage, and it should form your own boundaries.

What you are considering doesn't fit with that though. You are thinking that you will accept any amount of disrespect and lack of love in exchange for just being able to hold onto her. That's troublesome on two fronts.

1. You aren't respecting yourself enough to say "I won't tolerate being disrespected"

2. It would appear that you are fearful of losing her and that fear overrules everything else. Why is that?

Considering an open relationship seems to just be a way to avoid facing these difficult questions. I'd suggest...

- Your wife isn't doomed to always cheat if she is willing to do the work to sort herself out and become stronger/healthier.

- You've been deeply wounded and seem to be struggling with the implications and consequences of it all. Being able to vent and process it is part of that process, so it is good that you are being open with your thoughts and looking for input. Keep it up.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:28 AM, January 30th (Tuesday)]