SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Scared to give him the How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

By: Linda J. MacDonald

Someone suggested to have him read it, So I bought it.

It's been several months since I cheated. I am scared to give him the book, As he blew up in my face the other day.

He drove down a back road, Threatened to punch me in the face.

He parked and started screaming we are gonna settle this once and for all. We will decide if we are staying together today or if we are getting a divorce.

He said I think you are still out doing it.

I said I blocked him everywhere, There is NOTHING going on, You and I NOW go to bed at 230 AM and get up at 545 AM to get the kids ready for school and we both work from home, We are together 24/7. Do you really think I am running on 0 hours of sleep every single day, working, taking care of 4 kids?

He asked why I did it

I said Because we were lacking affection and communication, Does not make it right. I would ask you for a hug, a kiss, a snuggle. You turned me down every time. I would say I love you and you always hesitated to say it. I felt unwanted and unloved. Honestly? We should have talked.

He told me I was a fucking liar and He thinks I saw an opportunity to cheat, He said he turned me down every time because I looked angry in the face...

He asked if we have problems later on,

how will we fix them?

I said I think its best we come to each other to talk. I should have done it in the first place, However, You really need to up your communication skills. I feel like I can't talk to you. You are 1 sided with short answers like Idk, Ya, k...You need to make me feel like it's ok to talk to you.

I told him in a fit of tears I am sorry I did this to you, You did not deserve it and I promise it will never happen again. (I have apologized profusely previously, I honestly feel worthless)

I have not left the house in 2 months, He keeps saying if he sees the guy out in public looking at me he will go up to him and say well, here she is you can have her!!!!!

He told me when I give him attitude or get upset with him he starts thinking of the affair and I cannot do that anymore.

Anyway, he started the car and we drove home. Once home, He hugged me and kissed me.

He has not said if we are staying together or not?

Also, After this big fight should I give him the book or return to Amazon.

EDIT: To add I gave up all rights to my freedom, phone, and computer. He has full access and can look at each anytime he wants. He refuses to though

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 3:52 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

So it's his fault you cheated?

When was your dday?

If you're the one who cheated, why should he read the book?

Has he actually hit you?

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:45 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

No, I am not saying it is his fault 100%. It mine, I should have stepped up and said something. I did not.

Dec 1st

Members on this site suggested he read the book

He has not hit me in 11 years

I read your past post. Someone suggested you buy that book and you read it. Not him.

It is 0% his fault that you cheated. It is 100% your fault.

ummm yes that is what I said you do not need to repeat that i know it is my fault... I take FULL responsibility for my actions.

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 3:58 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

The book is pointless

How to help your spouse heal from YOUR affair what's the point of it, if the spouse does not read it?

[This message edited by PAMom45 at 3:57 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

Cannot return the book, I already listened to it on Audible. The refund is only $3 instead of the $10 I paid. So, In the trash it goes.

Someone suggested to have him read it, So I bought it.

Actually, it was suggested in your previous post that YOU read it. Given the lack of insight and understanding you display in this post either you haven't read it or you didn't pay attention to or internalize any of it.

PAMom45, you might be better off in the Wayward Forum.

You might read the book yourself, highlight the things you want to do for him, and ask him to read it (if he wants to) and also mark anything you missed.

Have you heard people say you should write out a timeline? You should. Write out a timeline with as much detail as possible, gather all remaining evidence (texts, etc), read Joseph's letter, and offer to show everything to him and answer any question he has. And for god's sake PLEASE be honest and give the whole truth. It is so much harder for them to THINK you are telling them everything and later find out it's not true. It means that nothing is off the table and he can trust nothing. So be brutally honest and maybe he will come to believe you eventually.

Also

Because we were lacking affection and communication, Does not make it right. I would ask you for a hug, a kiss, a snuggle. You turned me down every time. I would say I love you and you always hesitated to say it. I felt unwanted and unloved. Honestly? We should have talked.

That must infuriate him. He needs better reasons and you need to start working very hard to figure them out. You don't have a solid sense of self worth and look for it in other people. You need approval from others. Look a little harder. He was also in the same marriage and did not cheat.

On the second page of this thread SorrowfulMate wrote out a long list of things you can do. check that.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=636062&AP=21&HL=43441

You told him you cheated because he wasnt giving you the affection you wanted. How does that equate to you taking 100% of the responsibility for your choices?

Why does your husband need to read a book that tells the cheating spouse how to help their BS heal from the affair the cheating spouse had? Did YOU read it?

An apology should never end with the word , but....

Why on earth are you going to bed at 2:30 if you get up at 5:45? Don’t you think both you and your husband would be in a better frame of mind overall and able to deal with things if you get more than 3 hours of sleep per night??

Darkness Falls.... I can assure that her husband wasn't sleeping at 230.

There were plenty of nights I never slept. And still had to get kids up, work, kids activities, etc

I'm sure very few if any BS sleep for more than a couple of hours the first few months.

And no...the first months the sleep I got was marked with nightmares...so even if managed more than 3 hours they weren't restful.

And if I was suffering due to his shitty choices....you Be at believe he was up suffering too. Its was the very least he could do

I DID listen to the whole book, I apologize for being new and not familiar with the terms on this site. jesus I thought this was a place for support and advice not bashing

I maybe missing the point here but as a bs totall agree with what others have said, however it does not give him the right to stop the car and threaten to punch you in the face.

I can also say I haven't sleeped more than 3 hours in a night in the last year. I'm permanently running in empty.

PAMom45:

I’m glad you found us here. If you listened to the McDonald book you know how much your BH feels destroyed by your actions. And I agree there is never a valid reason to threaten to punch your spouse. Your A has devastated and humiliated your BH. In this context I think you would be well served not to criticize your BH’s communication skills. You have done some positive steps like admitting your WH did not deserve any of this.

I think it may help you to understand you have to bifurcate your thought process. You both should be in IC by the way. But right now healing from your A isvparamount and any issues and inequities in your M take a far back seat. This may be a deal breaker for your BH. But even if it isn’t the healing process is a marathon and not a sprint, andbit is really hard. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to hear how bad your communication skills are after your H decided on his own to go out and fuck another woman? Of course not. Keep this in mind. Good luck.

PAMom45 you should be reading that book not your husband and you should also read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Also lacking affection and communication does not cause an A. Built up resentments and ACTING OUT by having an A is how it happens.

I hope you have not told your BS this was the reason for YOUR A because that is what we call blameshifting. Your husband did not cause the A.

PAMom,

Sorry you are getting bashed a bit. I guess as BS', we get a little triggered when it feels like a WS is blaming the Marriage for their affair.

What I needed to hear from my BS (never did - hence we are divorced now) is that he was going to figure out why he was able to compromise his character, his beliefs, his integrity, his reputation, his relationship with our children, and my psychological well-being, for a little bit of attention from a person who if they actually cared, would have never encourage him to blow up his family. Why did he need that ego boost so badly that he was willing to hurt everyone who loved him? My XWH said the same type of thing you are - "We should have communicated more". Yes. agreed. But if that were a cause of cheating, there would be no faithful spouses. "He didn't feel loved". I then showed him gifts, emails, card etc. all showing how much I was loving him DURING his affair. He blocked all that stuff out of his memory so he could JUSTIFY what he was doing. I did not cheat. I would not cheat. Even if I HATED him. Why? because I would not be able to do that kind of harm to MYSELF.

That is what you need to figure out. I have never heard one WS say it was worth what it cost or what they lost as a result of CHOOSING to have an A. If you can't answer the why question, he will never feel safe. What is in you that would allow you to be so self-destructive? If you can answer that, and fix that, he might feel safe again.

Clarifying things that were said to her in her previous thread,is not bashing. Pointing out she is responsible for her actions is not bashing. No one is bashing the OP.

OP, its way too early for him to know if he wants to stay married,or not. What work are you doing to become a safe person?

It's ok to tell him you won't tolerate threats of physical violence. It sounds like he has hit you several years ago? You both have abused each other. Both of you should be in therapy to work on that.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:21 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

From pages 85 and 86 of the book...

Successful Rebuilders:

• are nondefensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

Linda MacDonald goes on to say that if she had only one word to describe Successful Rebuilders, it would be: HUMILITY

Can you see how your post, as well as your responses to other members, make it appear as though you really didn't take in the information in the book? Are you able to see or acknowledge the lack of humility that comes across in your words?