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We are 4 months post D Day after my WS EA/PA with a Co-Worker.

We have been making progress overall with ups and downs of course...

I found out about the A because AP's SO sent me an anonymous message on IG. I never had any communication with him until 2 days ago when he emailed me.

The email was him pretty much letting me know that we were connected by an unfortunate event and he offered his support.

I discussed this with my WS and he was pretty adamant that he didn't think me communicating with AP SO would be good for our R process since it was like inviting them back in and opening the door.

I responded and we exchanged about 10 emails mostly about our own personal processes. We pretty much related on how we had been feeling up to this point. We did not compare information or facts nor did I want to.

When my WS read the messages he was not happy and told me to stop because he didn't think that it was good for us betrayed to be getting support from each other. He said that he was going to write to him and tell him to get a therapist... I did not want this to happen so I kindly told AP SO that it would be best to end communication. I did this even though I really didn't want to stop communicating with him. It was somewhat healing for me to relate to the one person who was directly impacted by the same two people I was.

My WS said that he only cared about us and although he felt bad for what he did to AP SO as well he just wanted us to be focused on us and not have any contact with them. I can see what he is saying, but I feeling somewhat bitter for ending the conversation when I really didn't want to.

My WS said it was going to get messy and maybe he's right...

Does communicating with the AP SO really impact R?

I know I could have kept communicating with him, but it would cause tension between my H and I, and I don't want to deal with that.

I think you two need to spend more time comparing notes and details and less time looking to each other for support, as tempting as it may be.

I would suspect the reason why your WS is so worried about you talking to the OBS is because he's trickle truthed you, and is worried that you're going to find out what he's been telling you is still either a lie or minimizing details.

Like maybe your WS has told you the A lasted "a couple of months," which is vague and ambiguous and the OBS has information that it lasted for 18-months, you know?

My WS said it was going to get messy and maybe he's right...

This would be a red flag for me. Messy, why? Because he still isn't telling you the full truth? Or is he genuinely concerned you're going to have some sort of EA/RA with this guy?

Anyways, I understand the desire to connect with someone that really gets the situation you're in, but if you're looking to R, I don't think the OBS is the right person to seek emotional support from.

We did not compare information or facts nor did I want to.

Is there a reason for this? As a BS, I found it reassuring to compare notes with the OBS and find out that what my WH was saying happened lined up with what the AP told her BW.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:40 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Serenity,

I completely agree with Ibonnie on leveraging the Obs to compare notes not as support and this is more of a "he doesn't want you finding out additional details".

I do agree with your WH that at some point you do need to get the OC out of your life and move on. Now is not the time though, if you need to compare notes, do so. Get what you need then cut them out of your life.

Good luck

Red flags! Of course he doesn’t want you finding out anything that he might have “forgotten.” Or maybe he told AP that he’s had other affairs on you. Nothing stops the darkness of an affair like a very bright light shining around.

Yeah, I think you need to NOT tell your H, and contact the OBS. You have every right to get a PI, talk to OBS, anything to dig to the truth and future truths.

You definitely need to compare notes. And keep that line open that if either one if you thinks anything is going on, to immediately contact the other, especially if you want to stay married to your H.

Your WS is still on “probation”. He did a horrible horrible thing and doesn’t get to call the shots on how to stay on top of iit ever happening to you again.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:58 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

I responded and we exchanged about 10 emails mostly about our own personal processes. We pretty much related on how we had been feeling up to this point. We did not compare information or facts nor did I want to.

The only good reason for the BS to be talking to the OBS is precisely to compare information and facts, and you say you don't want to do that. OBS is not your friend and he's with the AP. I think he did you a favor by informing you of the affair, and you can be kind and pay him back by advising him to see a therapist, read books (maybe recommend a few) and join support groups so he can have someone to talk to who understands. But after that you should tell him that it's inappropriate for you guys to stay in touch and that you should only ever contact each other if there is new relevant information about the A (such as breaking NC, or found out affair was 1 year instead of 3 months, etc).

The problems with what you're doing are:

1- It gives OBS, and probably AP by extension, a window into your private lives. I think that in order for you to heal it's best that they disappear from your life as much as possible;

2- This kind of connection that you're forging with OBS is a slippery slope. You are both very vulnerable and you're sharing intimate personal details particularly about your marriage, which is basically how many affairs start. You'd be bonding with the guy through trauma and feelings are likely to develop in this scenario. I think it's a bad idea and you have enough problems as it is.

There really is no good reason for you to continue contact with OBS. There are literally thousands of people on this website alone who have been through what you're going through, and you can talk to them for support. I'm available if you want to PM, I'm nearly the same age, same amount of time together, same amount of time married, our DDays are pretty close, my H's A was also with a coworker...

[This message edited by iris2536 at 9:31 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

I would suspect the reason why your WS is so worried about you talking to the OBS is because he's trickle truthed you, and is worried that you're going to find out what he's been telling you is still either a lie or minimizing details.

YES. You are 4 months since dday and your CH is trying to direct how YOU deal with what YOU need.

He said that he was going to write to him and tell him to get a therapist

AND, looks like he's also trying to CONTROL what the BSO does? WHAT THE FRACK?

It was somewhat healing for me to relate to the one person who was directly impacted by the same two people

From your post, it sure looks like your CH is trying to control YOU and the OUTCOME. Neither of these are good signs IMO.

Does communicating with the AP SO really impact R?

I think that doing what helps you HEAL is what impacts R, so long as it's not destructive. IOW, if running around the house naked helps you heal - go for it. If running around the STREET naked helps you heal, may want to rethink that one. At four months out, I don't think its at all appropriate for the CS to be trying to dictate or control how the BS behaves (again, so long as it's not destructive- so if you took up smoking crack, it seems healthy for the CS to confront that.... talking to the OBS to compare notes is NOT like smoking crack). I think this controlling behavior from any CS is a HUGE red flag, esp when its about you and OBS comparing stories. It is an indicator that he may not (yet) be "R material".

I'd suggest that you worry less about R and focus on you and your healing. I'd worry about R when you are stronger.... and when your CH has done some work on his side of the street.

I think Iris is right on the money. If you aren’t looking to compare affair related facts then this is wading into a bad boundary. What’s the stop this from becoming a full blown emotional affair?

Just read what the other posters wrote and they are interpreting your post COMPLETELY differently. They are focusing on the fact that it was your WH who asked you to stop and how he has no right to. Doesn't necessarily mean he's wrong though.

If you want to compare notes with OBS, by all means do so as it can be very helpful if you're not sure about some details. But keep it factual.

What I got from your post is that you have no need or interest in comparing notes and just want someone to emotionally support you and for you to be supportive of. And this has me really worried for you as I think it's extremely dangerous for YOU, not because your WH doesn't like it.

I know I could have kept communicating with him, but it would cause tension between my H and I, and I don't want to deal with that.

Well, there are actual consequences.

You didn't blow up your marriage, your WS did. If it feels like it helps you to communicate with this person -- do what you need to do. WS doesn't get to set the terms for YOUR healing.

However, the concerns by other members about bonding with OBS, that's a legit concern. We're all very vulnerable early on dealing with the emotional trauma and recovery is a fairly lonely climb, even if you have counseling and a pile of kindred spirits here at SI.

Do what you need but after a while, I'd be wary about too much time spent communicating with someone outside of the marriage -- if you're still considering rebuilding said marriage.

The only reason your WS doesn't want you to be in contact with the AP BS is because you will find out more truth than he has told you.

There is more to his story and he is afraid the AP has been honest with her BS.

I agree - WS gave up his right to make demands on you when he betrayed you. I'm firmly in that camp.

OTOH, you are vulnerable so please be careful. But do what you need to get healthy.

If a WS perspective is OK- AP in my situation was unattached: However BS went on a date (when my head was firmly implanted in my posterior) with a recently divorced BH- Not much to say but he was less than respectful when she asked him to leave us to R.

He followed up and communicated with her once or twice, to include a text that popped while I was finding something on her map stating that they should keep dating (Which she wouldn’t have done based on lack of interest.)

So when I saw that, my infant tendencies went into overdrive- Mostly based on my “whys” being based on insecurities and a fear of rejection. I stewed and raged for a day before blowing up- Proof I was NOWHERE near empathy at that point, 2 months post DDay. I said the exact same thing though, that we needed to be in this together without interference... I was soon to break NC so proof that it wasn’t my BW’s problem.

All to explain that there are a lot of potential reasons your WH might be displeased with this communication- And the only one that is reasonable (that you have much individual healing to do and that communication like this DOES sound risky) sounds unlikely... I reacted with such rage it was insane, we didn’t hear HOW WH reacted but it at least was reasonable enough to not be a discussion point. I am skeptical of your WH’s motivation but think the other BS’s here are spot on. Your WH got the right answer but wrong method to get there- Ask him to show his work.

[This message edited by JBWD at 10:45 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Serenity, it's all fine and dandy to share information with the OBS. Often enough, one of both APs will minimize the affair, lie to "protect" you their BSs, and so on and so forth. Still, it is possible to gauge hoe honest your WS is being by comparing notes with the OBS. Beyond that, however, any bond you share over this experience can easily get out of control.

So, yeah. Your WH does have a good point. No contact is important, even vicariously.

I was in contact for come time after DDay with OBS (we were friends before). We DID compare notes - and a good thing we did as various lies were uncovered from both of them. Having the 'other side of the story' quickly ensured that WS knew he'd better tell the truth and quick.

I would suspect strongly that this is the real reason your WS doesn't want you to be in contact.

On the other side, being there as a support to the OBS doesn't really work. It does at the beginning but then it can't (if you are in reconciliation) because each of you are trying to reconcile with someone that is the sworn enemy of the other.

Long term, you probably won't want to stay in contact but for now I would. 4 months is so early. If WS was telling me it was a bad idea at that point, I'd be telling him to stick it I'm afraid. The analogy would be if he'd run up gambling debts and was then telling you that you didn't need to be in contact with the bank and that he'd handle it. No.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 11:22 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

The AP's SO could very well be setting you up in order to get back at your WS. You are vulnerable emotionally right now.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 12:15 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

I would suspect the reason why your WS is so worried about you talking to the OBS is because he's trickle truthed you, and is worried that you're going to find out what he's been telling you is still either a lie or minimizing details.

^^^ It's usually this! These poor wittle WS's can never handle their consequences. Of course he doesn't want you discussing the details with the OBS they might give you information your WS is still hiding.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:08 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Thank you all for your feedback.

I don't think he is afraid that I will find out more information. He did minimize everything like crazy when I first found out but I contacted AP and she was bitter that he ended things with her before I found out. She sent me a long painfully detailed email about what went on between them and started off by saying "anything you want to know ask and i will tell you because f*** him!!!". Clearly she was angry. After that, my WS was also brutally honest because he realized I could fact check him with her at any point and I did tell him I would. At that point he realized lying would only make things worse. He didn't think I would reach out to AP because he didn't think I would even know how to reach her. He didn't think about the phone Bill but I did and that's how everything came out. At this point I know more about the affair than I would've liked to because it has been traumatizing to say the least. That's why I said I had no interest in comparing facts. I know too much. Idk if OBS knows as much as I did but I think he didn't feel the need to ask just like me.

I do see how sharing emotions with him of all people is probably not the best for R... for some reason I still wish I could have kept talking to him. My vulnerability I guess.

I have zero personal experience with an OBS because the OM in my A was single. What I do have, as a wayward, is a lot of experience in deconstructing how resentment and entitlement open doors that really need to stay firmly shut.

I absolutely acknowledge that those feelings are fully justified in your case. You resent what your WH did, you feel entitled to whatever support you need to get through the trauma, and you resent it again when you have to give up that support for what you see as his sake. The problem is that the fact that those emotions are justified does not make you safe from questionable judgment. In fact, quite the opposite. Traumatized people have a hard time seeing clearly.

You really know very little about OBS, who he is, how he handles boundaries. He is the generic personification of everything you need right now: someone who validates your pain and sees your worth, because he feels that same pain and fear of worthlessness. You fill the same role for him at a deeply vulnerable time. That's what this relationship between you is built on, mirroring back at each other, and it can be heady, dangerous stuff.

"Not Just Friends" is quoted frequently here for a reason. Many affairs begin between people who would have absolutely sworn they would never cheat.

I would be asking my WH what he's afraid of?

Is he afraid the OBS would try to hurt him by getting close to you, and you possibly cheating with OBS?

Is he afraid there's more information for you to gain from OBS?

Is he afraid you're not letting go fast enough (rug sweeper anyone?)

Is he afraid that this connection just keeps this fresh in your mind and is just going to keep you churned up and angry and hurting, prolonging the pain for your recovery process?

Is it something else?

Get that information from him. It will give you insight into whether he's thinking selfishly or honestly.

1. Your H should NOT be dictating your healing journey. Period. If he is worried about your contact because it's a slippery slope, then I would tell him to quit projecting his shit on you. If he is worried you are going to fact check something and get more truth, then you should absolutely fact check him. IN fact I agree with the majority of posters that stated the same.

2. 4 months is barely even headed down the road of R. It takes years to get through this, and I am going to come at you with a bit of a 2x4 here. Do NOT willingly believe anything your H says. He is a liar, and pretty good one at that. Fact check him. Make sure his actions are matching his words.

3. This is a significant and real trauma and the only people that really understand the pain of it, are the ones who have been through it. Should you keep in contact and work on your healing with the SO? Probably not a good idea, but it should be YOUR choice. Do NOT allow him to dictate the terms of your healing. He doesn't understand or comprehend the level of betrayal and trauma you are dealing with.

Lastly there is more here. Dig you will find it. Don't and it may bite you in a few months or a year, and honey, when we do find out new and additional information, it kills us, and puts healing and rebuilding back at zero.