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So I went from 4 months of him pleading for reconciliation, manipulation, anger, broken promises to today getting an email saying he wants to take a year on his own.

Earlier today I emailed him that "I am officially done. Do not contact me again. I will not change my mind." I blocked him on everything but Gmail's block just sends them to the spam folder, so, of course I'm checking my spam folder nonstop.

He replies to my "it's over" email by saying he wants a year on his own and how it's for the best for both of us, etc. He hopes I'll stay in contact and that I will wait for him when he presents the new and improved version of himself in 12 months time.

I want to scream.

I'm bordering on a panic attack. I think knowing I could reel him back, helped with anxiety - but him declaring us separated for a year as his wish is making me feel like worse shit, which I didn't think possible.

He's going to fuck everything with a hole all year and keep me in a semi-limbo. I'm angry and anxious and sad and freaked out.

My intention is to serve him with divorce papers in February as that's the earliest I can as per our post nup.

This sucks so badly.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 7:34 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

First of all, you have been heard. And you are going to be okay.

Second,

He's going to fuck everything with a hole all year and keep me in a semi-limbo.

He cannot keep you anywhere you don't want to be. Don't want to be in limbo? Then you go full speed ahead into your divorce and new beginning while he's fucking his way around town, which I agree, is exactly what he is going to be doing.

Deep slow breaths. You are in control of your own destiny. NOT HIM. Say that to yourself over and over. It is the truth.

I’m so sorry. That’s just terrible of him. To cheat and then say hey I want a year break now, can you wait? That’s pretty cruel. I’m so sorry. I’m sure you’re very hurt and have all kinds of emotions going on. Your ws just isn’t right.

I hope after he’s gone for sixty seconds you realize you will survive this and be happier. Because you won’t have a 200lb man-child to drag around anymore.

Amen to that!

hey I want a year break now, can you wait? That’s pretty cruel

Ah yes, the infamous "let's go on a break". I want to barf anytime I hear anyone suggest that. It's all to make one party wait and give the other party a free pass.

you won’t have a 200lb man-child to drag around anymore.

100lb woman-child, 200lb man-child...they all weigh the same emotionally

will wait for him when he presents the new and improved version of himself

I guess it's impossible for him to show you glimpses of this person right now? His only two options are 100% asshole or 100% not-asshole?

And exactly how are you supposed to wait for him? Like just sit around for a year feeling how you're feeling right now and make everything easy for him and ignore your own life until the big unveiling? He's goofy.

I get it skeetermooch - I had one who refused to participate in separating our lives. I was so ready to know what my life was going to be like - but I still centered all of that around him. I waited and checked texts and emails and voicemails just...hoping to know what was next. It wasn't until I took my own strength back and said he doesn't get to steer this ship that I suddenly stopped caring what he had to say about anything.

Going full on complete NC was one of the hardest and healthiest things I've ever done. Remember - you being done and moving to be done in February doesn't mean he can't steer his own ship. Let him get healthy. Let him show you the 20% improved version of whatever in a couple of months. Then you can re-evaluate. Until then - try not to freak out - he's going to do what he's going to do. Mine did run all over town doing what he was going to do regardless of what I might think or feel about it (or what the real world consequences might be for his future). Time to try and put him over there for a while and focus on you.

It doesn't feel this way not but this is a good thing.

He burned the bridge. It keeps you from going back and will keep you from waiting eventually.

I'm sorry it hurts though. The pain is tangible but it goes away little by little.

Skeeter it SUCKS. Even if you know in your bones it is better for you it still. fuckin. sucks.

But you will be ok. You will get through this. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it is really really true.

Not sure about your postnup language, but can you file a formal separation agreement? I know in my state, having an S on file generally makes D proceedings and logistics easier. Plus psychologically for you it would probably help you not feel so limbo-ey.

And I don't generally advise to fake it til you make it, but speaking from my experience where I didn't do this... If he wants his year, he can have it and tell him so in the firmest most no BS way you can (and don't cry).

I swear to you a couple months of no contact and you will feel WAY more solid than you do right now. My guess is that after that year, you won't want him anymore because your life will be so much more peaceful and calm that the idea of letting his dysfunction back in is just not even something you will want to entertain.

(((SM)))

You are gonna be ok. Just know that and repeat that!

100lb woman-child, 200lb man-child...they all weigh the same emotionally

Ain't that the fuckin truth too...

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 12:17 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Thank you everyone.

Holy crap I had a melt down last night - 15 milligrams of Xanax definitely took the edge off. But I know I can't take those very often and I can't take more sucker punches from that asshole either.

I know I've got to do NC - I have to figure out a strategy for dealing with the anxiety that creeps in and makes me feel like I'm going to die without contact with him. Pysch meds are lifesaver when I'm losing it like last but then the emotions come back in the morning.

It wasn't until I took my own strength back and said he doesn't get to steer this ship that I suddenly stopped caring what he had to say about anything.

Yes - need to be there. OMG this is the hardest fucking thing.

And one of my confidants is seeming to be going to Switzerland on me - so, yeah, now that too.

Monday I set up an appointment with an attorney and ascertain whether a legal separation will fuck with my post-nup. If not that gets filed immediately.

Any tips for the dark nights?

skeeter unfortunately the only way to get through the initial NC difficulty is just by getting through it. There's just no shortcutting it.

For me? I just thought to myself that he is toxic to me. And just like any bad toxic habit, there is a period of horrible craving when you quit it. It is all that toxicity leaking out of yourself. In my case, there was no chance of getting back together even if he had pulled his head out of his tookas, so NC was a necessary thing. I had nights where I was hanging on by my fingernails, but they passed. I have been truly NC since 9/25 and life has improved more than I ever thought possible 3 months ago.

Just keep swimming - keep your eyes on the day when your heart will feel lighter and your soul will feel calmer cus those days are coming for you.

Just keep swimming - keep your eyes on the day when your heart will feel lighter and your soul will feel calmer cus those days are coming for you.

I hope it's soon. It's been so up and down - I'll have good days and then I'll have the worst days possible. I want off this ride and the way off is no contact.

He can't keep you in semi-limbo. Only you can do that.

If you are done - you are done. See a lawyer and know where you stand.

His lame ass attempt at playing the field while keeping the safety net of you is total bullshit. You don't have to play.

He can try to crawl back all he wants - you are the gatekeeper AND the keymaster.

you are the gatekeeper AND the keymaster.

Putting this on my bathroom mirror.

The toughest part is making that final call to move on. He called your bluff, now you have no choice but to move ahead. It'll work out for the best. He's a douche. We all know what a one yr break means. So don't waste another minute on this Dbag, and get yourself out of the marriage come Feb. Work on yourself and keep on trucking along.

The toughest part is making that final call to move on

Ain't that the truth. Omg and I'm going into overtime on this - just round and round and round. Now he's off the "I want to take a year off" bs and back to begging to move back in, but only if he gets complete "autonomy." Yeah, bc people who have sex with 4 million hookers and everyone else are definitely entitled to be trusted again without earning it.

Yes, he's a colossal douche.

This brings back memories of the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" bullshit my (probably narc) ex laid on me in year 3 of 12 when we took a 2 month break. I had suspected her of cheating then. I imagine she got her rocks off while gleefully keeping me on the hook so she had a rock to climb back onto. Gross.

Serve that asshole those papers and never look back.

Serve that asshole those papers and never look back.

That's the plan!

Happy emancipation!

Ok skeeter - I don't mean to be laughing at your situation at all - it's just these douchecanoes are so arrogant in their disorderedness. These huge proclamations are unfortunately all too common.

I mean really...*autonomy*? I know into which part of his anatomy he can stick his autonomy.

If it makes you feel any better, at one point assclown spouted something like: "Your attorney has no authority and I shall not grant him any." Alrighty then. Some day you'll get to the point where you can totally laugh at his shit.

Please hop back on the NC bus as much as you are able. Or if you must perhaps read something from him, hear the sound of his voice in your head like he's trying to speak underwater. You just can't quite make out what it is he's trying to say. Total. Douchecanoe.

This brings back memories of the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" bullshit my (probably narc) ex laid on me in year 3 of 12 when we took a 2 month break. I had suspected her of cheating then. I imagine she got her rocks off while gleefully keeping me on the hook so she had a rock to climb back onto. Gross.

WW actually pulled this a few times. "Let me go on a trip or away for a while and we don't talk, and let's see if I miss you". That last part is not that much of a paraphrase.

Of course she wouldn't be celibate during this time.

Chile,

You made me laugh out loud and that ain't easy these days.

I mean really...*autonomy*? I know into which part of his anatomy he can stick his autonomy.

And your ex's Little Lord Fauntleroy routine - yeah, ok cheater.