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As a BW, I am hoping to reconcile with my WH, as I don't want to walk away from the life we have created together over the last 14 years. I still love him very much, and he says he loves me and is very remorseful.

DD came this past summer (2019) with a long, slow, torturous drip of information, spoonfed to me over the course of four months, mixed with lies, half-truths and gaslighting. It was literally hell. I cried thousands of tears. I still cry every day. I am heartbroken and devastated by his affair. He moved out six weeks ago, prompting our separation. He does not want the separation to be permanent, but rather, he wants to use this time apart for us both to process the devastation he caused, and for us both to heal. I am fine with this separation, as I have mixed feelings about living under the same roof during this awful time. We are in marriage counseling weekly, which has been helping.

My question though, has to do with his lack of transparency. I have given him a list of ten things I need for him to do in order to begin to rebuild my trust. Reasonable things like, remove the passcode access to his phone, share his email password, get tested for STDs, delete all emails from his AP, etc. I gave him this list months ago and out of the ten tasks, he has only done one. He has deleted her emails. That's all. The other nine are still not done.

For the life of me, I cannot get into the mind of a betraying spouse. How can he say that he wants to heal and reconcile but not do any of the things that I have asked him to do in order to stay together? I told him that these things are non-negotiable, and that if he does not do them that this separation will be permanent. He says he understands this, and that he will take care of the other nine "soon"....

I know his remorse is sincere, and I know that he really does want to make this marraige work, so why aren't his actions reflecting this? I have three theories:

1. Is he too traumatized by what he has done to take action? Has his remorse and regret rendered him frozen and incapable?

2. Is it his pride?

3. He was in love with his AP for two years, sleeping with her for the last six months of their relationship. Perhaps he is not motivated to act for me because he is still in love with her.

I have asked him why is he making me wait and he always just tells me he will take care of the tasks on my list "soon". He has stepped up in many other ways. We go to MC together, he comes over and takes care of all of the repairs for our house and cars. He shares in the care of our pets, pays the bills with me. He'll talk with me for hours and answer all of my questions. But this list is the one thing he will not take care of. I am truly puzzled. I am so surprised that he is not bending over backwards for me.

Please, no WH bashing or telling me to leave him. I am not ready to take that step yet. It's still so soon to predict our future. I just would like some input from other betrayed spouses out there who might have some experience or ideas into why he will not step up to provide transparency and safety for me. Our marriage and reconciliation depend on it.

He could do a hundred chores around the house for me, but they would not mean a thing to me compared to this one list of tasks done that I so desperately need from him. I welcome input from wayward spouses too, to help get into his mind. I don't know how long to give him until I file for legal separation.

I know his remorse is sincere, and I know that he really does want to make this marraige work

Gently - from what you posted, he does not seem remorseful, he seems regretful. If he was remorseful, he would be doing all of the things you ask of him in order to help you heal. He regrets getting caught, he regrets hurting you, etc. I am concerned that he is not doing the things you ask because he is still in the affair either mentally or physically or both. His reply of "soon" means that he is not invested in your well being. Cheaters lie and lie and lie some more. His actions will tell you what you need to know about his mindset and he is not participating in the actions you need him to take for you to begin to heal.

He does not want the separation to be permanent, but rather, he wants to use this time apart for us both to process the devastation he caused, and for us both to heal

This reasoning is a red flag. Most cheaters who separate for reasons like this are trying out their relationship with the AP and holding the BS hostage as plan B. Please be prepared for this.

Most people here say that MC is not useful until the cheater has done some IC to fix what is broken in them that caused them to cheat. I do not necessarily agree with that as we participated in MC from the start BUT my FWH also committed to IC every week. I personally do not believe that WS can be safe partners without IC.

Here is a list of what a remorseful spouse looks like:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

You are in my prayers.

Thank you, Notmine. I didn't know there was a difference between regret and remorse. He definitely is selective on where he invests his efforts right now. They are indirectly towards me (i.e. the house, the pets, the cars, the bills), but when I ask him to directly invest in me (my list), he is resisting.

I have no doubt that he is still in love with his AP. They have had no contact since August, but when the details of the affair all came out, he told me she was his soulmate, his kindred spirit and his best friend. He fell in love with her sometime in 2017. And his AP is desperately in love with him. I accidentally (and very painfully) came across a couple of letters and emails between them, and all of their mutual love was poured out on the pages. It caused so much excruciating pain for me that I literally wanted to die.

How in the world does a wife compete with all of that love between them? He says that now he knows he was living in a "the grass is greener" type of escape life/fantasy with her, but still, how does a wife compete with all of that love and sex.... and with a younger woman (14 years younger than me) added to that? Reconciliation feels impossible most days.

It's eye-opening to learn the difference between regret and remorse. I send him emails he does not reply to. Videos (from Affair Recovery on You Tube) that he does not watch. He has my list of tasks that he will not address. These DIRECT ways that he can help me heal are ignored. He is only comfortable right now in the INDIRECT ways (the house, the cars, the pets, etc.).

I'm so sorry, Lisa. To me, it sounds like #3, and more than that, it sounds likely that the affair is ongoing. Can you tell us any more about how it came to light, whether she's married, if so does the OBS know, etc?

My honest assessment, as a genuinely remorseful WW, is that the things on the list haven't been done because they would expose that he is test driving a "real" relationship with the AP. I mean, he moved out voluntarily, so he's probably using that as proof to her that he's divorcing you, that he just needs to get financials in order, that he owes you a gentle transition after years of marriage (or you're a shrew who will staple his balls to the wall -- whichever story sells better). The one thing on the list that he's allegedly done -- deleting her emails -- does nothing to put this scheme at risk. You can't even be sure he doesn't have a backup copy. The total of the things he's done on your list may actually be zero.

If a WS's actions don't match his words, it's the words that are lying, not the actions. I'm telling you this from inside the workings of a wayward brain. My assessment is that as long as you continue to allow him to keep all his options open, that's what he will continue to do.

How can he say that he wants to heal and reconcile but not do any of the things that I have asked him to do in order to stay together?

How? Talk is cheap and easy. Honestly, he's a proven cheater and liar. Do you believe he has no contact with his AP while you're living apart? Has he, on his own volition, set up ways you can monitor and/or track him so that if you want to check at any moment, you can be reassured that he is where he says he is, and she's not there, too?

I told him that these things are non-negotiable, and that if he does not do them that this separation will be permanent. He says he understands this, and that he will take care of the other nine "soon"....

Again, talk is cheap. They're non-negotiable, yet you're obviously negotiating with him, because he hasn't done it, and you're still maintaining a relationship in some form with him. These things are non-negotiable for you? Good! They absolutely should be. Enforce your boundaries. Today. Now. No more time, no more listening to soon. No more marriage counseling sessions, no more inviting him over. He's not willing to share his password? Go get tested for all STDs and share the results with you? Then you two have nothing more to talk about.

If he's serious, he will find a way to get in touch with you, and his "soon" will become right now. If he's happy with the way things are, then you're going to find that out today, when his pretty words and empty actions stop placating you.

I know his remorse is sincere, and I know that he really does want to make this marraige work, so why aren't his actions reflecting this? I have three theories:

1. Is he too traumatized by what he has done to take action? Has his remorse and regret rendered him frozen and incapable?

2. Is it his pride?

3. He was in love with his AP for two years, sleeping with her for the last six months of their relationship. Perhaps he is not motivated to act for me because he is still in love with her.

He doesn't sound remotely remorseful. Maybe he regrets the affair, regrets getting caught, and/or regrets facing some consequences, but if he was truly remorseful, there would be no "soon." Your non-negotiables would have been done yesterday. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he's still pining after his AP, is maintaining some sort of contact with her, or the affair is still ongoing, but he's hiding it better.

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If there was nothing suspicions in his emails or on his phone, you'd have his passwords. There would be no talk of privacy or defensiveness, because a remorseful spouse understands they rocked your world and blew privacy and trust to smithereens.

I am so surprised that he is not bending over backwards for me.

Why should he? By your own words, "he comes over and takes care of all of the repairs for our house and cars. He shares in the care of our pets, pays the bills with me. He'll talk with me for hours and answer all of my questions."

He gets to play husband to you for a couple of hours, gets a taste of his old life, and then what? What does he do when he leaves? Where does he go? Who is he staying with?

Please, no WH bashing or telling me to leave him. I am not ready to take that step yet. It's still so soon to predict our future. I just would like some input from other betrayed spouses out there who might have some experience or ideas into why he will not step up to provide transparency and safety for me. Our marriage and reconciliation depend on it.

He knows that you value the marriage and want R. The person who cares less controls the relationship. Walk away. File. Stop talking to him. If he's truly remorseful, "soon" becomes now. If he's not, you've prevented many more months/years of a miserable false reconciliation.

I know this is hard. I've been where you are. I went no contact with my wayward spouse, and truly believed I would never be happy again. But he pulled his head out of his ass, put in the work, and I considered giving him a second chance because of it. Trying to reconcile with an unremorseful spouse is soul crushing and sets you up for another d-day.

YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE. Not him. Not her. You can do this, because you deserve better.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:30 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin, thanks for your feedback. There are other reaons (too many to go in to here) why I do believe that they are no longer in contact. His AP was a former co-worker friend, one of many friends he had made at his last job. I just thought she was 'one of the crowd" of friends he made there. That was how he passed her off to me in the beginning. But red flags started going up about her and one day in June I asked my husband some very serious probing questions about her.

He revealed then that she had become his best friend, kindred spirit and soulmate over the course of knowing her these last few years. I was devastated that he would foster such a deep friendship with a woman. He insisted it wasn't sexual (lies).

After learning of this friendship, I started hunting around in his belongings and paperwork and found several things (letters, photos, gifts) that told the whole story. They were deeply in love and sexually involved. I confronted him with all that I had found and we had it out in a horrific fight on a horrific day that I will never forget for as long as I live.

I wish she had a spouse that I could have disclosed this to, so that her life would be destroyed like she destroyed mine. She is divorced and a single mom, 16 years younger than him.

I too suspect that he is still in love with her and that is why he is not acting to directly support me right now. I fear he always will be in love with her. Yet, he insists that he wants to make it work with me. I am beyond confused.

he will take care of the other nine "soon"..

Give him a deadline.

In the healing library, under articles read about the 180. You might find that helpful.

I can give you my perspective; as a man who had an affair with a very strong emotional component (as I was partly separated from my wife because of a different situation).

Near the end of the affair I asked my wife for time to separate and asked her what is a reasonable time she thinks she can give me. We settle on three weeks of in-house separation (only communicating to co-parent). I also detached from my affair partner. I was so screwed up in the head I needed space. But needing space means taking space. I was going to IC once a week (and on the phone with him at least once as well).

Nothing you've asked for from your husband is unreasonable. It's up to him to regain your trust. It's up to him to realize how sick he is and to start healing - that means he needs, he must go to IC not just MC with you.

The separation can't just be from you. It has to be from his AP as well. Going to MC while having even a thread back to his AP is not ideal (being gentle here).

He needs to suck it up; get his head out of his ass and give you full access to his social accounts and phone. I'm not saying you should act on it and check but he needs to take that step forward. Now. Not later. He needs to show you that he blocked her and cut off any avenue of communication. And the STD check is a must.

From his point of view (as it was for me) it's going to take time to completely get over whatever feelings he has - that's natural. But he needs to decide and he needs to decide within a reasonable time frame (reasonable for you).

I don't know if you noticed the thread in what I'm saying: It is not up to him. He doesn't get to decide or dictate the healing process. It's your healing process. Reconciliation is your grace to give or withdraw. He needs to work on himself and to be 100% transparent to you and your needs.

***

quick edit:

Transparency and truth are hard. He's so used to lying about everything concerning his affair (as was I) that lying has become an instinct. But if there's any chance to be had. He needs to understand that he has to stop. He has to break that cycle and there's no better moment than now.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 5:13 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

I too suspect that he is still in love with her and that is why he is not acting to directly support me right now. I fear he always will be in love with her. Yet, he insists that he wants to make it work with me. I am beyond confused.

I think he means it, and yet, I also think you're wrong about him giving up contact with the AP. It isn't logical, but then, none of this is logical. I can outline what I think might be happening here, but be forewarned, it's not going to be easy to read.

From what you describe -- a man who is still going out of his way to take care of home responsibilities and pets, to sit with you and answer questions, to go to counseling -- I think he still feels responsible for you and your marriage. He sounds like the type of person who usually keeps his promises, and he thinks he ought to try. And yet, he's gotten himself into a situation where he really wants AP. He wants to give her things that he knows he has no right to give -- love, a future, more children. He may also have convinced himself that he is responsible for her pain. In this version of the A, he, an older, married man, let things go too far with a vulnerable younger woman. Instead of focusing on your needs, he thinks they can wait, because you "won" -- he didn't leave you for her. He thinks he and AP are victims of circumstance, star crossed lovers who should have met in another life, etc etc. By giving himself the excuse that he's letting AP down gradually, he doesn't have to put her firmly in the past. But he can't do this if you're watching him like a hawk, so he's concealing that plan from you.

What he may be refusing to admit to himself is that he has no real plan to get himself out of limbo. If he spent a year and a half in love with this woman before the relationship went sexual, then he may be back in familiar territory, carrying on an EA while holding himself back from a PA. It makes her ten times more enticing. Or he may have fallen off the wagon again and be back in a fully sexual affair. Either way, I would be absolutely stunned if he was living alone, refusing to give you access to his accounts and devices, and was not in contact with the woman he sees as his soulmate. Gently, that sounds like the kind of story you can only believe if you're scared to face the alternative.

If there's one thing I've learnt about being in love is this:

Love, real love, is open. It's honest and true. It doesn't hide in shadows. It doesn't push you to lie or cheat or cause pain.

And it isn't easy. A real loving relationship requires work and dedication. Having an affair is easy; it's the easiest thing in the world. It's stealing and doing drugs. And it has nothing to do with love.

Please please please......

Go see an attorney. Learn your rights his obligations.

Get yourself into therapy and add him going to therapy to your mandated list and give him a deadline. Stop MC. That's just going to muddy the waters untilhe has fully recommitted to your M. So far he has had zero consequences and he has no motivation to change what he is doing. You have to make him uncomfortable with his choices.

Read up on Limerance. If you truly believe that the A is over then understanding this help you see a path forward.

No one here saved their M by nicing their spouse or being a better more giving one. That just creates an unhealthy dynamic that will destroy your self esteem. Instead demand the love and respect you deserve.

If he steps up then you can rebuild and if he doesn't then you can make the choice that is best for you. But remember you deserve better than being plan B.

Even if he's not in touch with the AP, his refusal to be transparent means that he wants the option to be in touch with her. And that means he's not fully committed to the marriage.

A difficult truth is that there's a big difference between not getting divorced and reconciling a marriage. You can't reconcile on your own. You can't reconcile without transparency and remorse. All you can do is not get divorced.

This is something that you cannot control because you are only half of the marriage equation. All you can do is set your boundaries and expectations (which you have done, and you deserve credit for). But he is his own person and he is not honoring your boundaries and expectations. And you'd love to know why because then you can better figure out how to get the outcome that you want.

But I want gently to suggest that your work now is to start letting go of the outcome because you cannot control it. And actually, you have a much better chance of getting the outcome that you want (a remorseful spouse who wants to reconcile) if you enforce your boundaries. He is more likely to do the work to save your marriage if he realizes that he might actually lose it. But of course, we can't make any promises. The only outcome you can guarantee is the one where you love yourself and demand good things for yourself no matter how he acts.

If I had to guess, I'd say that the outcome that he wants deep down is where he gets to be with AP without being the bad guy. And he will be the bad guy unless he tries to save his marriage first and it fails on its own. Never mind that he's not putting any effort into watering the grass of your marriage reconciliation. He has to try because otherwise he's a real a-hole. It's fine if you kick him out and say it could never work. Then it's your fault and oh well, he'll just have to split up his family and start over with the OW.

Many men who have this type of affair are conflict avoidant. They developed an inappropriate relationship with a woman because they had poor boundaries and self-control. They never mentioned the myriad gripes they had in their marriage because conflict was to be avoided at all costs. If he couldn't deal with small things like being honest about a friendship that was going too far or addressing his concerns in a marriage, is he suddenly going to have the resilience to deal with all of your friends and relatives knowing he's the jerk who left his wife and kids for a younger woman? No. So he stays.

There may also be an element of self-image to protect here. My husband didn't want to face that he was just some jerk who broke his marriage vows, violated his wife's autonomy, and misused some poor single woman who wanted a future with him. Under no circumstances did he want to be "that guy." It was much better to be a good person who fell in love against his will. When you ask your husband to be remorseful, you are asking him to face that he's "that guy," and he doesn't want to. After all, OW doesn't think he's "that guy." So if you do, then you're the problem, not his choices. At least, that's what he tells himself to protect his fragile ego.

This:

YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE. Not him. Not her. You can do this, because you deserve better.

and this:

Please please please......

Go see an attorney. Learn your rights his obligations.

Get yourself into therapy and add him going to therapy to your mandated list and give him a deadline. Stop MC. That's just going to muddy the waters untilhe has fully recommitted to your M. So far he has had zero consequences and he has no motivation to change what he is doing. You have to make him uncomfortable with his choices.

Read up on Limerance. If you truly believe that the A is over then understanding this help you see a path forward.

No one here saved their M by nicing their spouse or being a better more giving one. That just creates an unhealthy dynamic that will destroy your self esteem. Instead demand the love and respect you deserve.

If he steps up then you can rebuild and if he doesn't then you can make the choice that is best for you. But remember you deserve better than being plan B.

Also this:

Gently - from what you posted, he does not seem remorseful, he seems regretful. If he was remorseful, he would be doing all of the things you ask of him in order to help you heal. He regrets getting caught, he regrets hurting you, etc. I am concerned that he is not doing the things you ask because he is still in the affair either mentally or physically or both. His reply of "soon" means that he is not invested in your well being.

Cannot be said better.

My WH had no relationship, it was an 'incident,' but he got stuck in regret for a good chunk of time. I believe there was some modicum of remorse mixed in there, but most of it was regret arising from his own pain.

*Everybody says this, I KNOW, I KNOW, but there were circumstances (non-infidelity) that may have distracted and hindered/delayed the evolution from regret to remorse.*

At a year and a half after our 'real' DDay (we had two, for the same incident) Husband is just now arriving at true and self-manifested remorse.

The difference between regret at his own pain and remorse over what he did to me, to the marriage and to his own mental, physical and emotional health, is palpable.

Believe me, you'll know it when your husband is experiencing remorse rather than regret. You won't have to ask us.

*hugs* to you <3

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 7:44 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Thank you everyone, for your kind and generous (and so gently worded) feedback for me today. So many points hit home for me. Especially, giving him a deadline. I will read over your responses several times to reinforce the collective wisdom.

These last several months have been an emotional roller coaster and I have been in such a fog of grief and anger and shock, that even the simplest "no brainer" answer is not obvious to me.

I think his pride has a LOT to do with his refusal to be remorseful and his refusal to do the simple and obvious tasks I have asked of him. He is a man who is a natural born leader and is NOT used to taking orders from anyone. He has outright admitted to me that he knows he is selfish and that he is not marriage material. I told him that he doesn't get to just throw up his hands and say "Oh well" and bow out of our marriage. He needs to step up and NOT be prideful and NOT be selfish.

One of the lessons learned today from this forum is that I am not seeing any change from him because 1. he is not remorseful and 2. because I am trying to "nice" my way through this nightmare, which 3. causes him no inconvenience or discomfort whatsoever.

What a fool I've been.

Someone here said that no BS "niced" their way through infidelity and reconciliation. My natural inclination is compliance, which is a big part of where I am today. I figure if I'm nice through all of this, he'll see what a quality wife I am and finally choose me. So far, my "nicing" has not worked.

Instead, I will begin to "180" myself. Someone said to let go of the outcome. That will be a very very hard let-go. I've invested everything I have into him and this marriage. What a tremendous loss to face, that can very likely happen.

This tremendous loss of his love and of our marriage has been terrifying to face, and it's excruciatingly heartbreaking for me to even look at that possibility, let alone accept it.

Thank you again for the feedback everyone. Please, keep it coming.

I see so much wisdom and self-awareness in your response, and I know you will get through this not just fine but thriving. In the meantime, there is no way out but through, and I am sending you all the strength I can for the journey ahead.

It was very hard for me to let go out of the outcome too. I have always worried about my husband dying, but him suddenly getting himself a secret girlfriend and having to choose between our marriage and the secret relationship he should never have had . . . I did not see that coming. I know how adrift you feel right now.

You are on a journey of self-discovery and healing now. Your husband has many things he needs to face and learn about himself, and I hope he will, but no one can make him do that. He'll have to see the need for it himself.

May this new year and new decade bring you peace and joy.

You’ve received so much excellent advice. Letting go of the outcome is truly the key. I also believe that the BS must be willing to risk the marriage to save it.

It is terrifying...but also empowering. You've invested so much into the marriage - it is time to invest in you and your emotional well-being.

About his pride - my husband was similar. I was told I can’t tell him what to do or control him...he even said I wasn’t the boss of him (reminded me of the taunts you hear from 6 year olds on the playground). I got to the point where I had to agree with him. I can’t make him do anything - I can only control myself. Once that hit me - I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. That realization was a breath of fresh air. I desperately tried to show him I was the right choice a- it was exhausting. I had spun myself out of my mind trying to make him do the right thing. But me? I could control me - finally! I had found one thing I had ultimate control over. Suddenly it wasn’t me who was living in fear. It was my WH’s turn as he saw my new resolve and willingness to let him go.

I also remember when I first had hope we’d make it. It was the day he took a deep breath to lie or white wash an answer to my questions - and then he just exhaled. His shoulders slumped and his face looked - like surrender I guess. And he gave me the ugly answers without any attempt to protect himself. That moment was when he let go of the outcome and committed to honesty. I hope your husband reaches that moment as well. The clarity is freeing for him and you.

So sorry for all of this Louisianalisa. It is an awful place to be.

You have gotten really great advice here. Think of it this way. In order to reconcile, each party has to de-couple and work on themselves to recover, heal, and become the person they want. Each may have different impetus but the end result is the same. And because your WS has destroyed the M you had, what do you have to lose?

You don't know how you or he will emerge. But you said yourself, your eyes are open. You are seeing reality as it stands today. That means you know you need to get healthy boundaries that protect you from the last person in the world you thought you need protection from.

He may be in the fog, he may be still with his AP, he may not want his image tarnished - all of this may be true. Frankly the only reason I care about him at this stage is the impact it has on you. I know I thought I could be nice and understand why my WS did this - but quickly I learned that the nicer I got, the more I gave, the more he took.

So go to IC for you. Realize that you cannot predict nor control the future. Work on getting yourself strong and full of healthy boundaries. We stand by you. (((Louisanalisa)))

I think one of the best things I did for myself when I discovered my FWH’s A was that I immediately went scorched earth on him and implemented the 180. I didn’t know that is what it was but I was spitfire mad at him and I was out for blood – or revenge, whichever came first. Luckily for him, my rage was directed at inanimate objects in his apartment. (I bought the stuff so I could and did destroy them). I was not a nice person, and for the longest after we were R’ing, I had a mean streak that peeked out more than it should have. He was remorseful though and knew that the real prize was me. It helped that several of his friends that he was able to keep informed him of that fact and if he didn’t want me, they would. (I wouldn’t with his friends though *shudder*).

I think when a WS is shocked by their BS reactions they tend to remove their heads from their ass quicker than if we try to keep the peace. Knowing and seeing a BS react negatively, and then withdrawing from the “spouse” type things (cooking, cleaning, taking care of cars etc) makes an impact. Especially when you show them that you don’t “need” them in your life, you are capable of moving on without them – that you’d like them to be there but if not, you will be just fine. It suddenly makes them realize that they might not know everything about you and that shocks them. Their nice, quiet way of life is suddenly in upheaval much like they have done to their BS. When light is shone on their fantasy, they suddenly see all the cracks, all the dusty corners that reveal their fantasy is not what they think it will be. Real life stresses will invade and suddenly their “grass is greener good time partner” is now in the same type of real life is going to bop you on the head life they were lamenting about…and they find that their real life with their spouse is what they really wanted after all. (in most cases).

You have been given great advice here. Give him a deadline – you will have XXXZ done by this date or I file the D papers. Go see a lawyer too – knowledge is power. When my FWH was caught I informed him he’d have exactly what he came into the marriage with, be paying me child support & he’d get the kids on opposite weekends his AP had hers AND I’d teach our daughters service dog to shit on her shoes/carpet. All the nice things he had married to me, well he’d not have them if we divorced. I inherited much of what we had and according to the laws in my state, it would be mine even if we divorced. I also reminded him he would never, ever touch me again – that I replaced my last ex with him and I’d replace him with a sexier, richer man too. Don’t expect him to read your mind, tell him exactly what you expect to reconcile – and if can’t meet those requirements that you will cut him loose. Be prepared to lose your marriage – but remember the marriage you have currently has three people in it, one of which YOU DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE THERE. Give him a deadline on your list and for the amount of time you will be separated before ya’ll need to reevaluate how things are going.