SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First I want to open this up to waywards.

My wayward told his affair partner that he didn’t feel well and was unable to leave the house most days because he needed a new kidney. She was trying to improve her health and lose weight so she could donate a kidney to him. Just goes to show the stupid lies that they tell each other during an affair. Affairs are based on lies and not truth and reality.

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 10:28 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

Did he actually need a kidney? Cause that would be a hard lie to maintain....I have a friend who needed a kidney and his condition deteriorated greatly the longer he waited.

Yes the lies blow me away. Actually that any ap would actually believe them.

One of the last emails he wrote to ow2 I replied to (cause I got into their shared email account...note dont pick an obvious password duh!) Wh went on and on and said I was just in awe that he could spew such lies and that she was dumb enough to believe them. He picked a real winner.lol

Got to admit that the new kidney lie is a really good one!

Yeah, waywards lie during the affair. We lie to our spouses , we lie to ourselves and we lie to our AP's.

I used the classic - my wife is a horror, could care less about me and the dead bedroom. Then later lies about what I'm doing, lies about planning to move out at some stage, etc. The truth is that I didn't care a dime about my AP. It was all about me getting my ego stroked.

My AP was also not exactly all together with it and she lied and played her own game as well. But I really didn't care about her issues. Looking back she was a real disaster and not someone I would even really socialize with let alone want to be in a relationship with.

As I was finally detaching from the affair and ending it, my AP got it in her head that I was cheating on her. I was in a way - I started to try to reconcile with my BW.

There was no reality in anything about the affair. It was all about me feeling all neglected and depressed and not desired or wanted or whatever other dumb reason i could make up to justify going outside my marriage.

If I had put in half the effort with my BW to talk and communicate and work on my M I would have been miles ahead. Having an A was a really bad way of learning how to be a good partner and improve my marriage (that came after during the R).

My WW told her AP that we were in an open relationship. I think she did this to eliveate his hesitation to sleep with her. He didnt want the crazy husband coming after him. This speaks to her desire to sleep with him. It wasn't a "it just happened" thing which is something she tried to tell me on dday.

Took a long time to get these details from her. She lied a lot, to everyone, including herself.

There are the lies the cheater tells the AP and then there are the lies the cheaters tell themselves and then there are the lies the CS tells the BS.

Let’s start with the lies the cheaters tell themselves to justify the affair. Let’s start with “I’m not happy” and end with the usual “I deserve to be happy”. And “the AP makes me happy.”

Then there are the lies they spin to the AP. Let’s start with “my spouse doesn’t love me” and end with “I am divorcing my spouse to be with you”. And all the lies in between regarding how the spouse is controlling, abusive, needy, lazy, spoiled etc. The AP wound never dream their “soulmate” would lie to them!!!!

The worst are the lies the CS tells the BS. All in an effort to get what they want. An affair that is based on lies.

They tell the BS they are not cheating or having an affair. They tell the BS lies about having to work late or “ladies/guys night out” or their sick family member needs something, the AP is just a Co-worker or friend blah blah blah.

The CS steals time and money and love and commitment from their children and families. The lies can negatively impact the children but of course, the CS is soooo smart and never expects to get caught. The CS is always one step ahead of the BS or family and of course, is smarter than everyone!

Ask me how many families I know where the kids learned of the affair before the BS and the damage it caused.

Add in the drugs, alcohol, sex addiction etc and you wonder why people get married anymore.

Just my two cents here. It’s all just a stinkin’ mess.

Here is the most laughable lie my CH told me as he was planning on a Diviorce.

At the time of his affair we were happily married for 25 years.

He told me that I only married him to spite my parents (who did not like him and did not want us to get married).

I looked at him and left the room. There was nothing I could say. He was so far in the affair fog and only looking to justify his cheating it was best to say nothing.

During his early attempts to reconcile you can be sure that comment made frequent appearances in our discussions. And I was very nasty and sarcastic when it was brought up. I’m sure he regrets saying it b/c it’s not true AND he knew it but also b/c it makes him look 👀 stupid - even more stupid than his idiotic Choice to have an affair.

My husband lied to her about his profession and where we lived. But the biggest one was that we were separated and living in two different counties pending divorce. OW was separated and not playing with a full deck so she believed him until he met her one night still wearing his wedding ring which he always removed before meeting her.

He promised to buy her a used car for her birthday which was several weeks after dday and also that he could help her get her kids back from foster care due to is “job”. He didn’t even know she had 5 kids.

My H's AP kept trying to pull him back.

She was a trust fund baby so she told him she would buy him a condo and take care of him.

She also did the whole I'm sick I may have breast cancer bullshit.

Of course it was all lies but he still had his head firmly up his arse so he believed her and had to break NC to be sure she was as ok.

God only knows what other lies she told him.

I was a terrible vial person and only made him miserable. He was not happy.

But first he said he wasn’t married.

Then she found me on FB the day he left the country he was in.

He told her we weren’t together and I was cheating on him back in the states with a mutual super close friend (we have all known each other since high school and I actually knew friend before my H) We we’re getting divorced. She was trying to talk him into coming back etc etc.

she eventually messaged me on FB about 2 weeks after he was home because she realized she was a stupid moron and he wasn’t coming back.

She also tried to black mail him, and when he wouldn’t give in to her demands, she contacted me. Then tried to black mail me.

6 months later, she started contacting his family. They all ignored and blocked her.

But apparently I’m a terrible person. I’m a bitch. I’m a whole bunch of other terrible things and names and lies.

For me the worst part of this (other than him fucking a hoebag) is the one person I’m supposed to trust to have my back and defend me, talked so much shit about me. Told lies about me and didn’t defend me at all.

How do I come back from that???

My W's ap said something about lies being unacceptable. They told ap's H about their 'permanent' relationship but were going to lie to me, since I wasn't evolved enough to accept it.

My STBX told a jeweler, who he'd bought me a necklace from, that it was for his daughter. Later, he friended her on facebook to tell her how much his daughter loved the necklace and to try to get her to engage.

Since he saw mostly hookers he didn't have to lie so much, although certainly he was pretending to be a high roller - while he was putting himself deeply in debt for his "hobby."

But for some reason pretending this necklace was for his daughter is still so painful to me. This was while he was courting me. I thought he was so into me at the time but he was casting a wide net to see what he could catch. I was never special.

I didn't lie to the OM at all, which is ironic. He lied to me about his involvement with a FWB. I lied to BH about how far things went with OM. BH lied to me about his ONS.

I've thought about why OM was the only person in the whole shitshow who got total honesty, and it wasn't any moral victory on my part. I just didn't need to lie to him to get what I wanted. I told him point blank that while I cared about him, the A was a temporary arrangement and BH came first. If he didn't like that, he was free to go.

I meant it, too, and that was the key. All the lies the three of us told were attempts to manipulate each other and control an uncertain outcome. I already knew what the outcome with OM would be.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:27 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

My husband said he was single in dating profiles, and used old pics. But he wasnt very successful and switched to massage parlors, which limited the lies. He initially did say he was married, and met his first EAP then. They spent most of the time trash talking their respective spouses. A lot of that wasnt true, but i have asked him not to share more specifics about this than i already saw when i caught him, so i dont know what all was said.

I didnt lie about myself although i did use flattery and ego kibbles generously. One person i talked to online claimed to be single and i found out about a year later that he was married with a new baby around the peak of our EA. He also lied about his current profession, despite having lost his license years previously.

[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 11:37 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

My wife told her Ebay conquest - who the heck uses Ebay as a hookup site? - that she was single, financially successful and highly educated. None of this was remotely true. When he came to visit the house I paid for she just hid everything of mine or pretended it was hers. She gradually introduced the idea of me as an abusive ex she was supporting financially when she needed a perp so she could play victim to keep his interest. He then sent her a burner phone and lots of dick shots so she knew he was "serious".

When I found out about him, I sent him a list of the assets she could expect to receive (none), the debts she would be bringing to his address (about 100K GBP) and an extensive list of her regular shopping habits. I asked him when he wanted to start making the payments. I also asked him whether he thought his clients would prefer to follow a link to his dick shots on a US- or a Russian-based hosting server.

Strangely he stopped talking to her and she then got mad at me for ruining their "friendship". To this day I don't think she gets that he loved the idea of the fantasy she wove and her not so much. Sad.

My fWH was being blackmailed by the psycho MOW (threats to tell me if he didn't D and go off with her). He realized she was after our money so he concocted an elaborate scheme involving a lie that my sister was investing in our business and would have control. He made her think we had more debt than assets (no debt in reality) to make her think we would go bankrupt in divorce.

When she sent her email telling me about the A (very cruel email) she said they couldn't be together because of my sister. I thought it was a scam email at first, but hilarious she bought his story. Ironically she went bankrupt later due to large car repairs I think. Court referenced car repair in online documents. I monitored her online due to her stalking. She had ratty old car and wore it out coming long distance (80 mi 1 way) for hookups/meetings and stalking him and me during and after the A. She didn't know about the other MOWs.

It feels like I lived thru a horror movie esp after I realized she was stalking us both and threatening him. Now we are down to 1 phishing email to my fWHs old email once a year on his birthday which is mine now. I never answer back and my fWH never reads. We are trying strict NC based on her obvious mental disorder (prob NPD or cluster b). (This is the one and only enemy I've ever had.)

My fWH said his next scheme was to tell her he had a terminal illness. But when he told her that he would never D me, she told him in a huff to never contact her again. He danced a jig and immediately deleted his email acct. She told me when she saw his email deleted and realized he was done. (He had tried breaking away from her claws in his back 5 times prior). So she thought it was just another "breakup". Funny thing is he cheated with 2 other MOWs during same time which ironically made me feel better. And all MOWs including her knew (upfront) that he was M and just looking for casual hookups. Having a bunny boiler show up was kinda karma for him. He said she was like a bugger stuck to his finger he couldn't get off. She kept active stalking for 3 years after DD.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:18 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Like another poster said, the biggest lies my WH told her were the ones he told himself and convinced himself were true to justify what he was doing - that he hadn’t been happy for a long time, that our relationship at its root was just about him trying to satisfy other people’s expectations, and not about any great passion on his side, and that he’d “never felt that connection” with anyone else. And he believed all of it at the time, and even when he ended it. But just a few weeks later, as the fog is starting to lift, the guilt is setting in as we reconnect, and he has to face that none of it was true.

The only lie I know of that he intentionally told her was one he told me as well - that he was seeing a therapist. Not to excuse what he did, but even before this started, he was clearly in the middle of a serious personal crisis, as well as likely being depressed. He badly needed help, and I’d put up with a lot of BS over the past few months because he told me he was getting it. It came out on d-day that he’d decided he was perfectly capable of working through his issues on his own, and told me (and AP) that he was going, to get both of us off his back.

Now he really is in IC, but this time I’m insisting on proof that he’s actually going.

WH gave his AP a fake phone number (used one of those apps that assigns a new temporary number to your actual phone number) and told her he lived in a different town. WH believes AP gave him a fake name and a fake address. She also told him her H cheated on her first but now he doubts that as well. There is probably more but he feels so stupid for believing her that he won't discuss it. Of course I pointed out to him that if it really was "love" neither one would have lied to the other about anything.

Two big lies my WW claims were lies were one, that she believed God is so loving and forgiving that he sends people into our lives, just to get us through, even though it's not the perceived "right" thing to do but if she was off base she would ask for forgiveness. The other was that our children are old enough and have lived in this home, so although they will never know this other side of their mom I'm pretty sure they would have the understanding of "why" if they did.

I honestly don't know if they were straight up lies or if she really believed them. The other thing is that I cannot fathom believing either of those things.

My WH said MOW lied and he would come home and look at my facebook (because I was friends with her on FB) to see if she was lying or telling the truth-not sure how looking on FB tells you if they are lies or not but he said he caught her in lies.

OBS said MOW lies about everything.

I have no idea if WH lied to MOW but he lied to me obviously so I don't see why he wouldn't have lied to her also but nothing he needed a new kidney or anything. We knew MOW for several years before it began so she knew us well enough to probably know if he was lying.

They both told me he didn't talk about much of anything and it was clear she had no information on anything to do with our life, our M or me so I have to say he likely didn't lie about anything substantial.

I don’t know for sure, I’ve never been told the truth. But I'm pretty sure he told one we didn’t have sex (3 pregnancies including the one during their affair were immaculate conception I guess? Or maybe he told her I was cheating?), and I believe he was telling her he was going to leave me for her, but kept changing the timeline and stringing her along.

I imagine he also didn’t tell her that he was cheating on her, and not just by sleeping with me; as he was screwing others during their “amazing” love affair.