SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the early stage of our relationship I found out about he's online activities, video chatting private chat rooms,multiple accounts on porn web sites.

After I confronted him he denied, after giving him evidence he came clean and admit. We agreed we'll move on and if he ever has a need to start with this activities again we'll search for professional help.

It happened again he's been doing this for 3 months now, It took him two days to admit, after I made him to give me access to his credit card records.

He wants help, got 2 appointments and he says he really wants to stop. I believe him, but I'm really hurting bad, haven't eaten for 3 days, didn't get up from couch for 3 days, just want to sleep, feel alone and want to be alone, I really want to help him and I'm going to, but I'm afraid this time I'm not going to recover from this. He was my best friend, I love him, I don't think he ever loved me, I don't think our home is anymore my home. When I found out first time it took long time for me to recover, lost a lot of weight till alarming point, but I pulled through and thought I will never have to face something like this again. I don't know how to move on, I'm not questioning should I forgive him or not, it's just like I'm no longer me, and I can't find myself. What if he can't get well, what if my life is constantly going to be this kind of roller-coaster, living with an addict is very hard, but this kind of addiction is sucking the life out of me

So sorry to see you here.

The key here is that you are not married. My advice would be to leave and start fresh for yourself.

Many are going to say the same thing, some a little more bluntly.

The need to want to help/fix someone can be strong. Same goes for wanting to fix the relationship. Had I not been married when I caught my W having an EA I would have been out the door, no questions asked. It's been a long road and there are times when I still struggle.

You have the opportunity to get out before getting married. If you think for one minute that he never loved you then IMO there is your answer.

It's possible that your fiancé might see a CSAT, take his addiction seriously, and change his life. Possible. But not probable. What's probable, is that he'll change his ways for awhile, but then he'll get comfortable again with hiding things from you and be back to his old ways when he needs a little dopamine pick-me-up. Sexual addictions tend to escalate, meaning that in order to get the same biochemical thrill, the action needs to increase in risk.

If you don't want to end the relationship right now, at least consider putting off the wedding indefinitely. A sex addict can white knuckle it for a year or even two. The strain starts to show after that. I wouldn't enter into marriage until I'd seen a minimum of five years of recovery. Do keep your finances separate and make sure you get a solid pre-nup if you choose to go forward.

Gini, we can't mend broken people, no matter how much we love them.

The secret is to love ourselves more, so that we can see what is good and what is bad for us in our life.

Yes, the heart puts a spanner in the works, but with time the brain catches up.

When a person shows you this early in a relationship that he is not a safe partner, he has failed the test for a future husband.

Be wise and move on. No-one says it will be easy, but it will be easier now then in a few years later with a mortgage and kids in the mix.

When a person shows you this early in a relationship that he is not a safe partner, he has failed the test for a future husband

Dating is like trying on shoes. They are a good fit or not. If the shoes are not a good fit, you end up wasting money and hurting yourself, even though you still really like the shoes.

This problem is too big to give you a successful relationship. Nothing you can do can fix this. Don't fall into the trap of "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic."

Get off the sinking ship.

It sounds like he could be a sex addict. Here's the thing about addicts, is they have to do the work themselves. You want to help. I understand that. My husband is an SA also. I wanted to help him with his recovery but I eventually learned that I can't. He has to put in the work or it isn't real recovery.

I also agree that if you are not married, leave this relationship.

Secondly, you need to take care of yourself. Drink some water and go eat some food. I don't care what kind of food just eat whatever looks good. In the beginning I did this and I only lost 5 pounds. I know you aren't hungry. You're sick to your stomach. I know. You are going to be ok.

Next, get yourself to a counselor. Don't go to a counselor with him. He needs his own counselor and he needs to figure out what is broken in HIM. You need help for the hurt he has caused.

Keep posting here. Check out the partners of sex addicts section in I Can Relate.

I'm married to a porn addict. In recovery. But they never change, even if they stop using their brains are different. If I had been a younger woman when I found out, I would have left.

Addicts aren't evil. They are profoundly sick that sickness affects everything in their life. A sex addict in active addiction is destructive to everyone. You DO NOT want to have children with this guy.

Maybe he'll get help, maybe he'll get sober. But it's more likely he'll escalate to real life encounters at some point, opening you to disease and danger. You will spend your life on tenterhooks, anticipating your next discovery. Don't be me. Chalk it up to a life experience and move on.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself here. Get counseling, pamper yourself and live a happy life.

Gini

After I confronted him he denied, after giving him evidence he came clean and admit

Had he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong he would have told you about it and shared it with you. Being that he lied about it he knew he was doing something wrong.

what if my life is constantly going to be this kind of roller-coaster

Life has a way of being a roller-coaster even if not with an addict, but being with one can make the ride much more intense.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

You will not be able to save him from this addiction. It is going to be something you are willing to try to walk through with him or not but he will need to want to get the help and there is no guarantee that he will change.

There will be a lot of time and money spent on this situation, again, with no guarantees.

I don't know your level of addiction knowledge but I hear a lot of you wanting to help him.

It may be really good for you to read up on Codependency and go to some Alanon meetings. It really doesn't matter what the substance is drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling etc. The behavior patterns are the same and we as loved ones of addict have to learn to let go of the outcome.

Please get therapy for yourself to figure out how to detach.

I’m sorry for you. We all understand your pain.

You are very smart. Maybe you don’t see it.

First you recognize he has an addiction.

Second you recognize it has nothing to do with you. It’s his problem.

Third you aren’t sure you can survive this because you survived it once before and thought he was past this.

Other posters who have experience with these issues have offered excellent advice. Please weigh the benefit of their experiences in seeing how your life will be if you marry your fiancé.

Best of luck to you.

Gini,

How long have you been together? You said you don’t think he’s ever loved you, but you love him. I think you deserve to have someone love you!

Please find the Spouses of Sex Addicts thread, which you can find in the I Can Relate Forum. Read the stories of these women (very few men) who have tried and tried for years to live with their partners’ sex addiction. See if you think that sounds like a life you want, given that you are not married and do not have children.

I hope you can stay strong and find peace.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:40 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Mfb10 I have to be honest but you really helped me somehow.

May I ask (cause you wrote you have had cybersex addiction) how are you now? Is your addiction gone? Did you just went to therapy or something else also, cause my fiance and me are willing to try also hypnosis. These couple of days we are talking about everything his past, reasons for doing this.... I really don't wanna loose us, regardless to my constant thinking and wondering if there was ever us. I think everything is happening for a reason, I just don't believe that anyone would be doing this, and on purpose hurting people that care and love them.

mfb10, it is kind of you to reach out to Gini.

BUT, Gini, you need to consider that the cybersex addiction may escalate to physical sexual activity. That IS different from other addictions, because you would very likely be exposed to STDs, some of which are incurable, and could cause infertility for you, or problems for unborn children who might get infected.

It is not your job to fix him.

What Oh so special said.

Also hypnosis doesnt fix an addiction.

Digging deep and fixing your broken shot will help fill whatever void an addict has but addicts are always and forever addicts.

That is why you have to learn how to let go 0f the outcome and make you the first priority. Alanon will help YOU with that.

I would also encourage you to take control of your health and your future and understand that you may not have the full truth and even of you have ot now you don't know what will cause your partner to act out. For that reason I urge you to keep a 6 month standing appointment to have full STD testing. that means a pelvic and blood work. Sex addicts put you and your health at risk. I would also recommend demanding the same from him.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Gini, my STBX graduated from online activities to irl activities very quickly. We were only married two years when I discovered he'd been seeing escorts and going to massage parlors for at least 18 months of the marriage. If I knew what I know now when we were dating, there's absolutely no way I wouldn't have continued to date him, let alone married him.

It's been 7 months since dday - this feels like I took a massive detour from my happy life - just a waste of precious time. They don't think normally. Their capacity to harm people they love is huge. It extends beyond their addiction. I hope you choose your happiness over trying to save him.

Mfb10 how can I contact you, I don't see any option here to leave you PM

To send private messages you have to post like 50 posts or something like that.

It sounds like you are looking to fix this for him and you can't. I would recommend reading The Truth by Neil Strauss. He covers it in there.

He needs to fix it, you can't. It seems like you are trying to mother him, not healthy,. Fix him, not your job, or make excuses for his behavior, really not your job.

When people show you who they really are believe them.

If you are ok with him wacking off to porn that's up to you.

Will it escalate, maybe but really what it is doing is training him to objectify women and the act of sex.

Eventually you will feel it when you two have sex, you won't make love ,you will be getting fucked. You will be just another object to him, much like a cum sock or rag.

He needs help but you need to draw some boundaries.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]