RS - your posts have often about whether or not to talk to your BW. And I still don't have a sense of what your BW has asked for/wants (eg, has she said she wants you to bring up the A?)
I guess I'm wondering if you two have talked about what - specifically - she wants from you.
Our first anniversary was also about 6 months after dday. The worst part for me was him not bringing up any of the issues we were dealing with, letting his conflict avoidance, which is an underlying factor in his As, continue to dominate his approach. To me, it felt like he just wanted to rugsweep it all... just wanted to have a nice evening - like we would have before dday. That just did NOT work for me. At all.
Personally, I think something that demonstrates YOUR growth and change is the best "gift" for a BS, even on special (or formerly special) days. I've recently read on some other BS threads (and sorry, I can't think of what they are off the top of my head) about the WS being proactive, and creating a plan for their change/growth. If my WH's anniversary "gift" had been something like a list of what he has done, is doing, and plans to do to repair the damage, or to work on himself, or to grow and change into actually being and behaving like the facade of a man he'd created (to me and to the rest of the world) would have been great. Even if my traumatized brain wasn't very receptive at the time, it would have demonstrated action and thought. Instead, I got something in a jewelry box that I still (nearly 2 years later) have not opened.
The old adage that "its the thought that counts" rings true after dday. What are the "big" or emotional things she seeks now? Have you done a complete timeline? What about things like an impact statement - basically a letter describing how you understand all the devastation she's feeling, but from her perspective.
At the end of the day, the problem for me was that I just wanted to feel better. And 6 months in that is really hard. And for your BW, like me, there was a LONG time of living a lie. My WH continued his PA for years and did not come clean, but I think the damage is probably pretty similar. IOW, 8 years is a long time to be in a M that you later learn is not based in truth. Being deluded for such a long time really fucks with one's sense of reality and trusting themselves to understand what is happening in the deeply personal parts of their world. That length of time adds another layer & dimension to the trauma - and healing - IMO.
I'm making some assumptions here based on your earlier posts, but it sounds like you had already started to do some reflection/inner work which is what prompted you to come clean to your BW. And I think that deserves some kudos, as I think that is more of an exception than a rule. So, I'm wondering if some of that internal work done before dday feels remote to you... and if your BW senses that you aren't doing a lot of internal work post dday?
anyhow, just a couple of thoughts.
ETA:
simply put this is a date that’s going to likely invoke pain and not much else.
This is soooooo true. For me, that date is still nothing more than a very painful reminder of all that was lost by my WH, and all the hopes & dreams that will never come to pass. It is important that the WS be mindful of the likelihood that their BS will feel the same.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:53 AM, May 28th, 2020 (Thursday)]