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Just wondering how many have experienced affairs that lasted 5, 6, 7 ,8 years or longer? Do they keep going back for that long? And do the AP have other romances in between?

Go to the I Can Relate forum. They have threads for that.

My husband of 23 years had an ongoing LTA with his ex girlfriend for 21 years. Mostly just texting and phone calls but he also slept at her house and visited her a bunch of times. I love yous, sexting, etc so on.

I caught him in 2009 and thought he stopped, found out March 2019 that it had actually ended October 31, 2018. I found out when I caught him in another sexting etc. affair with another ex on Christmas Eve 2018.

So. He kept going back because he liked talking to her. She had a couple relationships I have heard in the 20 years but never married and told me after the fact that they were soul mates so how could she be with anyone else. Her Facebook page still says her relationship status is "complicated."

Yuck.

I am the WS.

I have had one affair, it lasted two months.

The AP had many affairs, one that went on for a decade and yep, he had other shorter term arrangements during that time.

Just wondering how many have experienced affairs that lasted 5, 6, 7 ,8 years or longer?

At a minimum (bc I don't believe I know everything), my WH had a 10+yr EA followed by a 10yr PA with his girlfriend (so 20+ yrs). He also had another LOOONNNGG EA followed by a single PA encounter with another AP. Both of them were his XGFs from before we M. I knew the one he had the single PA with. Had met her/her family (and she mine). I never knew his LTA EA/PA girlfriend existed -he kept her secret from even before M.

Do they keep going back for that long?

Yes. It was long distance, but yes.... and didn't your WH do the same? I don't believe my WH has seen his LTA girlfriend since dday, as IMO she effectively dumped him by contacting me. I suspect he still feels betrayed by her doing that. I dunno about the others. He says no, but I really don't believe him.

And do the AP have other romances in between?

Yes. His LTA girlfriend had her own BSO for most/all of their 10yr PA (and WH had no qualms about having sex in HIS home ). In addition to cheating on her BSO with my WH, she cheated on him with at least two other men (that my WH knew about/has told me about).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:45 PM, July 30th, 2020 (Thursday)]

My WH was first approached by his (later) AP less than 6 months after she married her H in 2015 (who was a good friend of my WH - he was in their wedding) They had worked together for 2 years prior to that with no overtly inappropriate interaction. Apparently she had called him several times before, drunk, and he blew it off. Once was when my WH was helping to plan the bachelor party-trip. At the time he told me that she made some comment to him that was "weird" that he and I both ignored. In early 2016 she tried to kiss my WH at a party at her and her H's house, while her H was upstairs, and the place was filled with people they both worked with. Fast forward to 2017, 6 months after she and her H had their first child (barf) and the A begins (I've seen the phone records - there really wasn't anything before then). We had d-day1, d-day2 after a year of false R in 2018, and d-day 3 6 months later in 2019 after 3 months of NC the A started again. To my knowledge it is over now, but I don't believe that it ended in 2019 - I think it ended sometime this spring (we are in IHC - so I don't know and haven't bothered trying to figure it out).

To my knowledge, she was the only AP for my WH (although he did log into a dating site in 2018 but based on the forensic recovery that cost a small fortune he never went any further).

I spoke with the OBS and he indicated that the AP had at least been overly flirty with other men aside from my WH - so while IDK how far those dalliances went, it seems my WH was the first (or biggest) taker of her advances. She messaged my WH again 3 days ago after a long absence of contact, so she casts her net often, likely to a wide range of men, looking for ego-kibbles, all while she and the OBS are still together.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:27 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

My WH's A lasted 8 years, and as far as I know, they were exclusive, because they were safe and easy. They met online, married looking to cheat, no strings sex. My H got bored with her and fished for other AP's a few years in, but no admission or proof of contact that i could find, so I assume he only had one AP. He never told her he was shopping around or bored, and led her to believe they were exclusive. She called him her boyfriend. Their affair became friendship and the sexual aspect waxed and waned over the years, but never ended, even after Dday, they were still sleeping together. It took me 2 years after discovery to uncover most of the truth as I know it, so my ordeal has been ongoing for almost three years, and his betrayal goes back a decade to at least 2010. One of the worst parts about this is how little he can remember, because of the number of years and our aging brains, and I guess his emotional immaturity or walls.

I agree the threads on I can relate LTA have a lot of good insight, and you can find members who share your struggle. I haven't found a group for the Very LTA, as some consider 6 months to be a LTA. I wish I only had 6 months or a year to deal with instead of almost a decade. I have had to accept family deaths, menopause and surgery, our kids middle school, high school and college graduations as milestones that happened with another woman lurking in the shadows, texting/emailing congrats or well wishes, asking about my dog, talking about me or her H, and it absolutely sucks. A decade of family photos make me nauseous. The mind games from so many years of secrets and lies and compromises and compartmentalization make it extra hard to not feel stupid and unloved on the bad days, and just numb or off kilter on the good ones.

My resentment and hatred for the MOW know no bounds, and I struggle to stop stalking and pain shopping, 2 years after I got rid of her for good. I still want to out her to her friends and family as a homewrecker, but am trying to let that go. It's a struggle. She trespassed in my life, and my marriage AFTER I found out who she was. That is the most unforgiveable. I wish I had gotten in her face the day I learned her name because she scurried like a cockroach after my first email. I could have spared myself so much pain if I was less trusting or a little bit smarter, but here I am.

Good luck healing, and finding the answers and support you need. I don't know your story, but my advice to you is to get rid of the POSAP or your WH or both, and get the life you deserve.

My H's affair lasted 1 year. He actually met her in 2014, but they were just co-workers until spring of 2016 when "feelings" started and then the full-blown A started in August of 2016. I caught him a year later.

I don't think my H could linger in a really LTA. He was so tired, mentally exhausted and torn after just one year that he couldn't have done it for much longer. Once he was caught I could tell he was relieved that it was now out in the open.

My WS had a 18 yr affair .. the first year was intense.. I discovered proof 14 months later .. DDay 2 .. there was no contact for a few months .. WH returned a phone call from her and the A reignite but this time WH justified the relationship with she was his best friend..EA this lasted for 6 years talking on a phone unsure but suspect they saw each other for a few short visits .. the PA started up after 6 years ..they saw each other 2 or 3 times a year .. he flew her to our town .. some of our vacation spots .. I suspected but couldn’t prove anything .. finally found the 2nd phone .. DDay 3 .. the A was able to continue because they had the very little physical contact and when they saw each other my WS’s emotion We’re on high .. the whole secret made it exciting .. he was also her KISA .. he helped support her got involved with helping her children .. OW was divorced twice ..Right now my WS has been totally transparent.. he in the first month he TT me then finally told me to sit and spilled the rest of the story .. since then he has answered all questions.. took a polygraph and passed .. we both have great IC’s and we do joint session with both .. WS was addicted to being her KISA .. she knew how to

Play him she flirted with him .. and told him how special he was .. he was putty in her hands ..

I’m in the same boat as whatisloveanyway. 5+ years of EA/PA with another 2 years in which there were a couple of broken NC incidents and what I believe was serious pining on WW’s part. Reconciliation is a mess because of the years of lies and secrets. Not being all-in with family, kids, etc. while they had experiences together, even though it was all ego-stroking bull.

My ex had a 5 year full on PA. Fully committed. Lots of marriage dreams.

They had two great years, and then there were regular breakups because she wanted to get married for real.

He did buy her a ring.

He never went back, somewhere he found some common sense. I think.

He was in love, soulmate, best friends. Apparently perfect. Until it wasn’t.... Not sure what he expected. She was a prostitute...

Cheating behaviour for 5 years previous.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:46 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

My WW had a on and off LTA for 25 years. Active periods were 3 months in 1988, 4-5 months in 1989 then 2 years, from 2011 to 2013. During that time she also had a LTA, emotional affair, with her HS boyfriend, That was from 2006 to 2013.

4.5 year LTA here. 1.5 of those years were after they were originally discovered.

It a mindfu*k for sure.

Mine had a 2.5 year affair.

I divorced him

Being lied to every day, manipulated, controlled, had money spent on her.... I just couldn’t get over it. Then he tried to put me in false R even after seeing the damage it did to my son and I. Hell no.

Moved on with a different man. He’s better looking and makes more money. Most importantly he’s not a cheater.

My serial cheating STBXWW has had 12 partners over the last four years that I can confirm, but I'm sure her behavior goes back a decade or more... possibly all the way to the beginning of our marriage.

NorthernMSB, we have had similar experiences!! The decades of deceit are hard to comprehend.

I agree the threads on I can relate LTA have a lot of good insight, and you can find members who share your struggle. I haven't found a group for the Very LTA, as some consider 6 months to be a LTA. I wish I only had 6 months or a year to deal with instead of almost a decade. I have had to accept family deaths, menopause and surgery, our kids middle school, high school and college graduations as milestones that happened with another woman lurking in the shadows, texting/emailing congrats or well wishes, asking about my dog, talking about me or her H, and it absolutely sucks. A decade of family photos make me nauseous. The mind games from so many years of secrets and lies and compromises and compartmentalization make it extra hard to not feel stupid and unloved on the bad days, and just numb or off kilter on the good ones.

The feeling of violation is overwhelming for me...the AP was in my life, knowing more about my marriage than I did, was told of all about MY kids and their lives without my permission for. She saw our photos on FB. Shared in my life without my knowledge.

It truly disgusts me. I feel robbed of time. I feel raped of 10 years memories.

I am not in R...just limbo...but this resonates with me very deeply. There is no way WS’s truly understand the depth of trauma a betrayed person has to live with.

My STBX has had more than one LTA. I believe he had another LTA right after my daughter was born so really he has been cheating for 17 years. This includes many other boundary violations with women and of course what I don't know.

I feel like a large portion of my life was stolen from me. I can't get it back and pictures cause me a lot of pain.

My wife's LTA was four years, and a couple more years of emotional attachment after that. By that I mean if her AP hadn't dumped her, she would have kept going, she was honest about that part at least. Six years in all of the AP in our world.

Her AP did have other infidelities after before he was caught, he called years later with the 12-step program apology call.

I don't think any infidelity is easy, but yes, LTA are a unique level of Hell.