SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Baffled about why it's always the betrayed spouse who's accused of doing this?

I believe that it goes hand in hand with the fact that betrayed spouses are held to a higher standard than WS, which is total BS. Because every 5 minutes it's 'WS have feelings too, WS deserve this too, even though WS has been cheating for 5 years on you and treated you like dirt-you have to give them the things you have been denied for all that time as if they deserve it because it's a 2 way street. This suggetss that WS deserve everything the BS does, because they're a person (even though they don't treat the BS like a human being during or after DDAY for some time theh cry about how *they're* the victims not beong treated like people).

But yet, the BS is not allowed to be fallible human being...

They have to be perfect. It's expected from WS and BS alike. The BS has to be better, always.

So when it comes to not being *able* to do something, like be happy or have sex with the cheater who made it necessary to get std tested, or show affection to their WS or not have mind movies,

they are told to 'let it go', basically to get over it.

Why? Because people are convinced that BS are super human saints.

So it's inconceivable that they 'can't' do something, like struggle to be a saint. After all, they're human beings TOO. Why does a WS get praise for telling the truth but BS get a lecture for having mind movies because they 'chose' to have them. They should 'simply' think of something else. Why the double standard?

Because BS are held to a higher standard.

So a BS can't struggle with something unless they're 'letting' themselves struggle. Unless they're 'not letting themselves be happy'. They must not be 'doing the work'.

The work they must do all alone of course.

Yet when I say the BS has more or harder work, this is denied. Even though it's the absolute truth that a cheater has to basically stop lying and cheating and be a decent human being. And a BS has to literally act like a saint. Too bad that you can't have sex without crying. Your poor human being WS 'needs' sex.

As an invincible BS, this MUST be in their capability, so when a BS 'can't' have sex, it's interpreted as 'won't'. And then it's interpreted as 'withholding'.

Did anyone stop to think that it's the WS who's withholding?

They're withholding safe and consensual sex because their parter did not agree to a multipartnered sex life. So safe sex is withheld during and after the affair.

BS aren't supposed to have sex until getting tested or what? 6 months to be safe. Who's withholding then? Does the human being BS not want or need safe sex? Of course! But the WS is withholding because they cheated. If they were faithful the BS wouldn't have to go without safe sex and be forced to have unsafe sex.

And how does the BS ever know they're the only partner again? Never. Not fully. Is that 100% safe and consensual. No. And don't compare to other marriages cause it's not the same. So then, the BS is forced to wear condoms for life? Is that fair-no. So the freedom of sex in marriage is being withheld.

Sex without feeling ugly, worthless, second best??

Nope, BS can't have that. Without mind movies and triggers?

Too bad BS, you have to deal with it. Surely you 'can'. Super BS can do ANYTHING.

Even if they're depressed. WS go around telling BS 'anyone can overcome anything including rape' so of course the BS must have perfect mental health.

Apparently, all people are now expected to not be affected for life by tragedies rape. They have to overcome everything because a random WS heard once that someone did, and so they apply that to EVERYONE.

They apply that to their BS. So the BS can't possibly be affected 'too badly'.

So they MUST be able to overcome this betrayal in all it's forms. Because it is a choice, regardless of the mental ill health it causes or worsens.

Back to topic, so really, it doesn't matter if the BS is suffering during sex because they must be choosing it.

Back in reality, the WS is withholding the kind of sacred marital sex they vowed to give their spouse. The basic comfort of knowing your spouse would NEVER give you an std because that's cruel. Theybare withholding everything they as a WS expect-everything sex is supposed to be about-

Love, safety, acceptance. The WS is withholding. They did that on purpose.

The BS on the other hand didn't choose this. And they don't choose the pain either.

When they say they can't stop having mind movies or triggers, they CAN'T. And no sexy lingerie or spa day or bath with fix that. Infidelity is a life altering, many cases, life long pain. Sorry we're not all jumping for JOY about reconcilation but guess what, speaking positively about R for EVERYONE is no better than me saying that for MOST it's a life long pain.

So when a BS tells you she can't do it, don't argue with her. She can't do it.

She's a person TOO.

You have been heard, OneBigLie.

My ex husband didn't think I was a saint, he thought he was one and thought of me as a doormat, as did the OW. I believed enough of his lies for him to up his game and become even nastier - he thought he would run away with the OW and live a perfect life and when this didn't happen, that I would forgive him.since he was such a great catch. After all, the OW told him he was a "great guy" so the doormat would be happy to have the OW's leftovers, eh?

I got the "get over it" comment. I told him that, what, I just "had" to accept he's a liar and be ok with that? Lol.

I deserve better. Always did.

I pulled the plug, so I don't have to deal with any of that shit. Just the other day, I was reflecting on the sense of peace I enjoy now. Sure, there is loneliness, but I don't need to take a deep breath and steel my nerves before i walk into the house ever night.

I couldn’t touch my W for 2 months, one night she got mad and said “so how long will this take”? When I described the intrusive thoughts and mind movies, she said “well that’s just the devil attacking our marriage.” I said exactly!!! And who invited the devil into our M?

Ah yes.

My favorite?

When a brand new BS is told..when questioning your WS, don't react. Don't cry,and certainly don't get mad..because if you do, they will lie, or shut down.

So..the BS has to coddle the freshly caught, unremorseful WS, in order to get the truth??

The newly traumatized BS has to act as if every word isn't ripping them to shreds, because the poor WS won't be able to handle it??

And..if they lie,or shut down..because a BS shows emotion..it basically is telling the BS it's their fault for having a normal response.

Fuck.All.Of.That.

I am not a Saint. I'm a flesh and blood, emotion human being. I WILL cry, and get angry when I talk about my husband fucking someone else. And if he chooses to lie? That is on him. Not me.

Ugh.

Great rant, OBL. You are spot on and deserve a standing ovation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:07 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

OBL on point. Bravo.

One of my biggest peeves is this idea that the betrayed needs to some sort of f’ing saint. Don’t talk bad about the AP, you’re letting them have headspace. Like Hellfire said, don’t be mean to the W or get emotional or they’ll never open up. Don’t think bad thoughts about the AP you’re not a good person. Don’t blame the AP or you’re not blaming your W. Don’t hysterical bond or you’re rugsweeping, but also don’t withhold sex or it’s understandable if they do it again. On and on and on. So ridiculous.

Thank you for this post it does deserve a standing ovation. After False R I was repulsed by my xWS like icky gross molested gross. It never got better. I never got better and neither did he. I also pulled the plug. I’ve been damaged by my xWS’s many A’s and gave me 2 STDs. The last thing I ever want to think about is sex. I have a long way to go yet.

Great post, OBL. I got this too, more in the "how long is this going to take?" vein. Ok, WS acted sympathetic and patient for a couple months, now you owe them sex and fake happy.

Um, no. You don't owe them anything. And if they think that, it's fake remorse IMHO. I quit MC and pulled the plug when WS continually demanded fake happy. When I filed WS tried to retract his "I won't live in a sexless marriage" statement but continued with the "you can't punish me forever" crap. I wasn't punishing him, I was protecting myself.

Anyway. If you're in MC and you're getting fed this crap... I'd find a new MC, one that's trauma informed.

I fucking love this post OBL.

Even pre-infidelity, I had to explain that my SAXH had it all wrong. I wasn't withholding sex from him. I wanted sex, but only with a safe, loving partner, something he refused to be. He was withholding sex from himself by continuing to act out.

I only have sex with people who treat me well, who don't mutilate my possessions, who make me feel safe. He didn't treat me well, therefore no sex. It's not a hard line of reasoning to follow.

Oh, so you feel bad about yourself because your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you after you've traumatized them? You feel like they owe it to you? Well Boo-fuckin-hoo, you brought this on yourself!

Figure out why sex is so fucking important to you that you would do anything to get it, even hurt the person you claim to love the most.

Onebiglie, extremely good.

My ex cheated and I was the one having to be the better person. I was the one having to bend over to "make things better".

No one really stopped to think what I was going through. "You must have done something to make her cheat." Yeah, work my butt off to make more money to provide a better life. I show her affection, cleaned the house, did the laundry and watched our daughter, while she was out getting her rocks off. But, I have to bend over and take full blame.

Sorry for the small vent.

Anyone who cheats in my eyes if the one that must bend over and do anything and everything in their power to regain a lost trust.

For most people the trust never comes back. It is only anger that exist deep down inside.

Put and end to what is lost and more than likely to never fully return. Find someone that will love and respect you and the relationship.

First post ever here. You hit home and thank you for it allowing me open up finally.

Onebiglie,

That was...fucking awesome!

I felt every syllable with a ‘hell yes we do!!!’.

Thank you for sharing ♥️

@OneBigLie you fucking nailed it - awesome post

Yes I do feel like I have to get over it and I’m continually told that “I’m living in the past” or in “victim mode” so it must be my fault

My WGF oscillates between “it’s early days” and “how long will this take”

Re sex - were just coming out of the HB phase (11 months) we’ve had more sex in more positions in more places than we had in the previous 23 years and it’s been a struggle with ED, thunderclap headaches (look that shit up, not nice), mind movies, the works and now....

Now I find I have to imagine I’m on top, behind, under somebody else to push aside the mind movies just to finish.

Same thing for panic attacks. As I’m lying there trying to get rid of the images of WGF and AP I’ve found that I can push those thoughts aside with new images of me walking into his work place and..... well choose your own theme

But I read that I’m not supposed to direct my anger at the AP, instead this should be directed at WGF who was the one who really betrayed me. So I’m doing it wrong again

Fuck that shit, and thanks for your honest post.

Great post. I was deeply offended by the very idea that I had to fix things in me that made him seem hazardous, untrustworthy and repulsive when he had proven himself to be hazardous, untrustworthy and repulsive. The short time R was sort of attempted was the most stressful period of attempted mental gymnastics of my life. Putting that down and walking away was the best thing I could have done for myself. Not all of us can or should attempt R. Just the attempt was damaging to me.

The short time R was sort of attempted was the most stressful period of attempted mental gymnastics of my life. Putting that down and walking away was the best thing I could have done for myself. Not all of us can or should attempt R. Just the attempt was damaging to me.

Preach, sister!

I did it for 3.5 years, and I am a total wreck.

I thought, "Well it can't get any worse, right?"

It damn well can. At least it was for me.

Is this a vent? If so, please ignore everything below the asterisks.

*****

If it's not a vent:

And a BS has to literally act like a saint. Too bad that you can't have sex without crying. Your poor human being WS 'needs' sex.

When a brand new BS is told..when questioning your WS, don't react. Don't cry,and certainly don't get mad..because if you do, they will lie, or shut down.

But I read that I’m not supposed to direct my anger at the AP, instead this should be directed at WGF who was the one who really betrayed me. So I’m doing it wrong again

None of those messages come from SI. None. You may have picked them up from other sites or from incompetent MCs or ICs, but the message from SI, as I've always read it (for almost 10 years) is for BSes to be honest - show your anger when you're angry, with 2 exceptions, one of which is not really an exception.

Th first exception is the 180, which includes not showing your feelings to the WS. This is good advice, if you need the 180 and are using it to detach.

The 2nd 'exception' comes from only one poster, me, and that is to show anger not by calling names but by saying something like, 'I'm angry that ____' or 'I'm angry about ____.' But I usually include something like that I hope means, 'Say it with emotion.'

I was taught that way of expressing anger by several therapists. I didn't believe them until d-day.

Try it out. I found after d-day that telling my W off for how fucked up she was left me riled up, but saying, 'I'm furious that you did ____' left me feeling more relaxed, when I said it with congruent body language - usually a loud voice, tight muscles, and often with balled fists.

But very few people on SI counsel not showing your feelings.

SI is mixed on who the BS should direct anger at. Some of us say it's the WS who betrayed the BS, so the WS should be the target of the BS's anger. Others say both WS and ap are appropriate targets. You get to choose.

WRT sex, SI counsel is almost uniformly for the BS to set the BS's boundaries, including sexual boundaries, and to maintain them. If that means no sex, that's great. If it means HB, great. If it means sex sometimes and no sex other times, great. If it means starting sex and then stopping in the middle of an activity, great.

I agree that SIers tend to think sex is an important part of M, but staying in the M is not the only way to heal. There's no one right way WRT sex.

My bet is that you've got some self-talk going on that's telling you to stifle yourself. If that's the case, you can change that.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:02 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

Actually, the quote you posted from me..did come directly from SI. Absolutely. 100%. Ive read it several times over the years..both before I signed up,and after.

Dont react when asking questions...write down their answers,concentrate on that,so it gives you something to do,so you won't necessarily react. If you respond in anger. They will shut down,and you won't get the answers you need. If you cry they might lie because its hurting you.

All of that came from THIS site. I don't read any other infidelity forums. I know they came from here. I am not a liar.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:13 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

Yeah, I had no interest or ability to be intimate with my XW once I found out she cheated. Just could not bring myself to do it. So, best we divorced.

I have found that the significance of having sex is on a continuum for people. For some it means about as much as eating a good meal or taking a satisfying dump. For others it is sacred And, there is everything in between.

I was both grossed out by the thought of exposing myself to the bodily fluids now saturating my XW and by the prospect of making myself vulnerable to her. I felt it was humiliating to show any desire for her after her obvious disdain for me.

I felt it was humiliating to show any desire for her after her obvious disdain for me

Oh, this resonates