SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wh and i spent both thanksgiving and Christmas separately. I took the kids and have been with family out of town since end of november .

Wh and i were getting along well over calls and texts. He has to work with ow 2 and was telling me gossip about that (she is not doing well professionally or personally and i admit it msde me happy to hear this gossip)

I was also working with my therapist and saying why do i care, its like its a soap opera, i just need to disentangle myself from wh’s mess.

So. Wh and i are friendly, im away from him and having a nice long visit with family, kids are running and playing in huge yard, etc.

Then wh texts he is upset our 15 yr old has blocked his texts for a month. I tell him she has good boundaries and he picks fights with her and she doesnt want that drama.

Wh flys off fhe handle and locks my phone (he has it set up where he can do that). He says im horrible and cruel, that im not a mother but treat our 15 yr old like a friend , and he will ounli k my phone after Christmas , maybe after new years.

Oh well. That’s wh. I was happy to be free from a phone for a few days because seriously, i hate my phone addiction and it was sort of nice.

On Christmas he unlocks it. Tells me he never locked it? That it was my password... i dont know. Gaslighting i guess.

So after he unlocks it, he starts texting about having the lids call his mom bc its Christmas

My dd has already texted her grandma merry christmas from all of the kids. Mil texts her back, etc.

I told wh its not the kids responsibility to call adult relatives. If they want to call the kids, ok. But dont put that responsibility of reaching out on the kids.

Mil is also an asshole who was friends with ow 1, gossiped about me to ow1, invited ow1 to her home and on vacation.... told wh to be nice to ow 1 after he left her because she was “great with the kids” (nope... my dd 15 is in therapy bc ow 1 started scaring her, telling her that she could live with her forever, and shes having flashbacks now. Dd also saw ow 1 and wh passed out from drugs, ya know, because judges think both parent should get visitation)

Was i wrong to say i was not going to have the kids call MIL? She knows dd’s phone number.

My wh texted me and emailed me that i was evil, a c u next Tuesday, was fat, have a beer belly (i have diastasis recti pretty bad from 3 large babies and its a real sticky point with me)... he said im not a good Christian and dont know the meaning of Christmas because i wouldnt have the kids call mil, and that dead relatives of mine were weaping in heavenbecause of how mean i am.

Should i have had the kids call ‘mil? If he had asked nicely, i might have. But he demanded it, then got nasty. Plus the fact shes not nice, and she should be calling them... i just didnt do it.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:49 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]

1. Stop being so friendly with WH.

2. Get your own phone.

As for MIL, don't make any effort with her. She is not a friend of the marriage, you OR her grandchildren.

Tell that pos to fuck all the way off. And the toxic swamp creature of a mil too.

Gotta honey, please for your own sake, staaahp having 'friendly' conversation with him. It is pointless. He is not a well person and will always ultimately resort to abusing you. Grey rock. Only discuss issues pertinent to the divorce proceedings or the kids. Any other discussions just keep you sucked in to the narcissistic black hole.

And no you weren't wrong in supporting your daughter. She's old enough to choose who she allows in her life.

It does not pay to be friendly with these Narcs. I cannot believe he has the ability to lock your phone. I would change that so that he absolutely has no say so or control over anything you do. I agree to stop talking with him. It took me many tries to get this but now my STBX cannot weasel his way in to abuse me to his liking anymore.

What a jerk trying to manipulate the kids to call MIL. It’s true she’s an adult and can call the kids if she wants. Your kids can also choose who they don’t feel like talking to. Ugh sorry you had to deal with his toxicity over the holidays.

Im not so worried about the nasty texts to me... ie, that im fat or a %#%^* . He says that type of stuff all the time and im sort of desensitized to it .

My main concern is was i wrong to not make my kids (15 and 11 years old) call his mom whos not nice to me?

I feel like im putting down boundaries and making a good decision. She can call the kids if she wants. But im not going to facilitate a relationship, and i will not have my kids think its their responsibility to keep up with these adult relatives who dont call them! To me, its crazy to say make sure the kids call my mom on christmas. 1- your mom is nasty to me; 2- she has a phone and my oldest’s number... she can call!

NOT MY FAMILY. NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:15 AM, December 27th (Sunday)]

My mil has always had some weird fixation on the grands calling her. In my opinion, if you want to talk to someone, pick up the phone. In her eyes, it’s some sign of love and respect when her kids and grands call her so she won’t call them unless she needs something.

I think that it’s difficult for most kids to talk on the phone with older people and it makes them uncomfortable so I have never worried about it. Texting is better and my adult daughters send her pics of their children, but they almost never call.

I wouldn’t push the kids to call, especially if there’s drama in the relationship. She has a phone and can call if she wants.

You were 100% right in not pushing the kids to call MIL. Basically you would be telling them to cater to someone that mistreats them/you because of some obligation.

YOU shouldn't be the one to push this. You Ex could or MIL could call them. Not your monkey not your circus.

Good job.

Never allow people who care nothing for you to have an opinion of value.

Treat them accordingly, eventually they learn albeit it slowly.

She can call the kids if she wants

Stop listening to your abuser.

It can be confusing. Follow your gut. Listen to your own moral compass. I think you will find it will point you in the right direction.

My main concern is was i wrong to not make my kids (15 and 11 years old) call his mom whos not nice to me?

No. He and they fired you from that job.

You can't nice him into being a good person.

I'm not so worried about the nasty texts to me... ie, that im fat or a %#%^* . He says that type of stuff all the time and im sort of desensitized to it .

Every time you go by a certain dog it bites you...hard. Would you keep going by this dog? Of course not. It's not sensible nor logical.

Apply this line of thinking to your abuser. Why are you not furious with him for this behavior? So furious you do something about limiting contact with him and his abusive family.

Know they will call you names, they will bad mouth you to others because this is what they do. You cannot change this. They will probably act even worse when you set boundaries because it will anger them that you decided to protect yourself and your kids by implementing iron boundaries.

It seems you are rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic forgetting it is sinking.

I had to literally pretend the abuser was dead. I did the to trick myself into becoming completely independent of him while I worked on healing myself.

Your pathetic ex and his pathetic mother are poison for your poor children , their behavior is abusive and you need to show the kids how to handle abusers with strength but also dignity .

No matter what abuse he hurls at you , respond with a stock phrase

“ you can not speak to me that way “

And then disengage

Please get your own phone dont let him control anything from now one

You can’t follow your daughter’s lead and block him but she has the right idea... any conversation with him leads to conflict so she doesn’t bother.

The only discussions you should be having with him pertain to logistics and nothing else. You are not responsible for managing his relationships with the kids or their relationships with his family.

But as a general rule, I think it is important for kids to call grandparents and relatives on holidays. A text “from all of us” is just rude and impersonal. I realize in this case that the MIL isn’t really deserving of that respect, but I do think you need to be cognizant of the values you are trying to instill, regardless of the person.

Just because someone is family doesn't give them any right to be apart of your life, especially if they are toxic and abusive!!! Sacrificing ones own mental health trying to facilitate a relationship is only teaching the kids that its acceptable to be abused because they are family. Not a good lesson to teach.

Just because someone is family doesn't give them any right to be apart of your life, especially if they are toxic and abusive!!! Sacrificing ones own mental health trying to facilitate a relationship is only teaching the kids that its acceptable to be abused because they are family. Not a good lesson to teach.

BRAVO Dragn BRAVO!!!!!

Annnnnnd it take a lifetime of work to undo that bullshit. Ask me how I know.

My niece's grandmother (not my mother) does this to her grands all the time - guilt tripping narcissist who treats her family like accessories, and is full of venom when she feels disregarded and unworshipped and unadored properly

she's truly alienated them and now that they're adults, they barely give her the time of day.

No, you were not wrong to force your children to call someone on Christmas. WH's request was ridiculous. Why couldn't he call his mother and tell her to call? Consider the situation:

"I'd really like to talk to my grandkids because it's Christmas. I have their phone number, but THEY should call me out of respect! I'm going to stand my ground!"

Why? What does this accomplish? It allows her to have righteous indignation that children didn't call her.

It would be like wanting to have cake for your birthday. But you want someone else to make or buy the case for you. But they don't. So you don't get cake. Which you could have had. But you didn't.

Selfish, immature people act this way. Mature people pick up the phone and call.

I guess you know where your WH learned some of his behaviors from.

let me fix it for you...

Call HIS mother at Christmas.

Throw the whole man away...followed by his family. Return them ALL to him.

His family-his circus. Delete them from your phone and your consciousness.

I don't have a MIL (MOTHER in law)... it's his mother. Not my responsibility to facilitate the relationship between HIS family and HIS kids.

Slide that right off your plate as you move into 2021.

I plan to be a MOTHER in law (a caring and loving support to my children and their spouse while respecting their family unit and lovingly enforcing my own boundaries)

You(and Me) we don't have that. So its HIS Momma...let him deal with the old hag.

Have them call at 3 am when she won’t answer.

Problem solved.

The1stWife

I love your style hahahahaha

Have them call at 3 am when she won’t answer.

That would be a good idea, except i don’t think vampires sleep?