SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t feel like there is much out there in regards to the BS feeling immense shame in choosing to stay with their partner after infidelity. I did a quick look in the healing library, and didn’t see anything. Maybe I missed it? I’ve also done my own research on the topic, and didn’t come up with much. While there is some stuff on why we feel that way, there’s not a lot in how to actually overcome it.

For those further along in their reconciliation, how were you able to cope with this aspect? How were you able to move past it?

I had days early on when I battled myself over staying with the man who had betrayed me so horrifically. Due in large part to his willingness to work n improving himself and repairing the damage he’d done to me and our family, those feelings gradually diminished. I believe there is no shame in staying with someone who is actively working to improve and is remorseful for their crappy choices. In fact, it can be viewed as a very strong and generous act to give someone a chance at redemption.

If my H failed again and I continued to stay after being disrespected in such a despicable way again, then I’d feel shame for allowing him to abuse me. That’s what’s got me this far... choices based on self-respect and what I believe I deserve and am worthy of.

If your H is remorseful and showing each and every day he is ashamed and horrified by his selfish and horrible choices, then you should not worry how others view you or your situation. Know you’re a badass who deserves only the best.

I am almost 2 years lost him telling me about his 3.5 year affair.

I have extreme Shame but more so, extreme disappointment in myself that I stayed with a cheater and a person who carried this on for such a long time. One boundary of mine was that was a deal breaker to me.

As time went on...I started to see my own faults and my indiscretions within our marriage that I honestly didn’t look at then as such at the time...or simply justified my actions by being in a shitty marriage. I can now look back and say I actively partook in several emotional affairs and one that took one step over only one time. That was when we were separated over 15 years ago and I truly thought we were divorcing. Was it right? Of course not and I can’t sit it and honestly justify what I did. I told him when he came clean about his 3.5 year affair in which I still believe he simply told me to leave me and out children for her.

I think we all make mistakes and we all should learn from these mistakes. It’s not up to you to justify to anyone why you choose to stay. Or why you choose to leave. Only you can see if your marriage is changing for the better or simply staying static. I get the shame. My husband paraded around with her with his set of friends. It’s super humiliating and I know others r thinking...wtf is wrong with her? But it’s my life....and it’s easier to leave than to fight. I see myself as a warrior. A strong women willing to try then to simply give up. I see the good that can come from this. So at this time....I am trying....I can’t tell you yet how this story ends but all I know is....it’ll end with no regrets because I gave it my all.

So .....fk em!!!! Don’t worry about others and your spouse more than likely feels way more shame than you. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat more.

It is an often discussed topic on here about the shame/anger/guilt of not leaving our partner.

I'm surprised there is not a topic on this in The Healing Library or a stickied thread in the JFO or General Forums. How are your author/writing skills?

It's tough. In my years here, I would bet that 95+ percentage of the members here KNEW that they would leave the relationship if their partner cheated(raises hand). Then infidelity hits them, and all of a sudden, things aren't as crystal clear as they were before(again raising hand). For me personally, my internal struggle came a little further down the road, say after year 1, and increased to a level to where I thought I was going to have to leave. I left a post on someone's thread just a couple of days ago that I am still angry with myself for not divorcing back then. I needed some sort of justice, and that seemed to be my only way to obtain it. But eventually, once there is true acceptance that there will never be an evening of the scales, plus the remorse and horror that my spouse shows for her actions back then, helps with the decision to stay. But it surely leaves a clearer path if it was to happen again.

God forbid, please don't give me that scenario. I don't want to learn that my absolute dealbreakers have become cloudy again.....

I’m someone who has been living with it for almost 2 years. Off and on. I’m pissed that it happened in the first place and never thought I’d be in here talking about it. For me I do stay for my kids. The thought of loosing out on time with them because my husband is so selfish infuriates me. I’m scared to take action because I don’t want to go into debt paying for a lawyer, apartment, etc. I’d we didn’t have children it would be different. In also feel like I’d be embarrassed explaining the reasoning to friends and family. Besides this group the only person who knows is his mom. I do feel like I’ve let myself down for not keeping my word and following through.

I know it’s been talked about on here. Probably the only place I’ve really seen it discussed more than maybe 1 article or 1 YouTube video. I listened to a whole podcast on the topic, but all it did was talk about why we feel our own shame. I know why I feel this way, what I don’t know is how to overcome it. I’m just surprised there isn’t more out there on this particular topic. If anyone has any reading material they could suggest, I’d definitely like to hear it.

I think it’s an area that is keeping me stuck, and I’m not sure how to get unstuck, if you will. My WH betraying me absolutely sucks. There’s something about betraying one’s own self that is difficult for me. I guess if I’m being honest, there is an element of embarrassment for what others would think about me. I know I’m not completely immune to that. However, even without others judgement, I sometimes hate myself for not immediately kicking him to the curb. After all the lies, deceit, and blatant disrespect. How do we maintain our own self-respect? Not WHY we feel that way. How do we actually get past this hurdle?

Edited to fix a typo

[This message edited by Underserving at 3:22 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

Infidelity was never a deal killer to me, because I always thought relationships have all sorts of bonds, and no single element could make or break one up, although certainly there were final straws.

I knew there was no perfect solution to being betrayed. I knew pain was right there whatever direction I turned. So I focused on what I wanted. whenever I sensed an internal voice attacking me, I did my best to change the message from an attack to something nurturing.

For me, my desire to be with my W started off stronger than the shame I felt for letting her shame me, and - after deciding on R and observing my W's consistency - I made sure with conscious effort to keep my desire stronger.

That, and not caring about what other people think. My guess is that some people think every BS should leave; others think every BS should stay. Given that one can be attacked and supported no matter which way one jumps, my reco is to tell the shaming voice in your head that you'll shut it up unless it shuts up on its own.

Easier said than done, of course, but eminently doable.

ETA: This is what worked for me. I share it as one way of dealing with shame around staying, but there are other ways, including deciding not to stay.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:00 AM, February 11th (Thursday)]

I have never felt shame for choosing to reconcile.

It’s a gift I extended to someone I loved. It was there choice to change and make amends or not.

The cheaters should have the shame for being liars and cheaters.

Sisoon- As usual your advice has been helpful. Thank you.

The1stWife I so wish that had been my experience, but it hasn’t. I tried to ignore these feelings, but I believe now it is imperative that I work through them. I know there are others who must feel the same. He SHOULD be the only one experiencing shame. I know that, yet here I am with my own for choosing to stay with someone who betrayed me in the way that he did. I want to overcome this. I don’t want to say “well, it must really be a dealbreaker.” I know if we do the work, it will be worth it. I just wish it didn’t come at the expense of throwing (or at least feeling that way) my self-respect into the gutter.

[This message edited by Underserving at 5:41 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

I think there's absolutely no shame at all in staying with a wayward spouse who is both willing and able to own and fix their shit. I have done absolutely nothing at all to warrant shame.

Some betrayed spouses are willing to offer the gift of reconciliation simply out of love. For most, it seems to me, that's neither the case nor would it be enough of a reason to stay.

Young children are the biggest reason why many of us offer up this gift, including me. My son had just turned four-years-old. He was the greatest joy in my life. I simply could not imagine missing out on so much of his life and blowing up his young world. As much as I wanted to leave, I couldn't pull the trigger.

There is no shame at all in choosing to stay for the kids. It may not always be the wisest choice given whatever circumstances. Generally speaking, however, there is no shame at all in fighting for one's family.

Finances are also a huge reason why so many of us choose to offer up the gift of reconciliation. Parents who choose to give-up or put their careers on hold to raise their children are not always able to boot their WS to the curb and simply move on. There's no shame in that, either, although it certainly sucks.

There's no shame to be found in being betrayed and willing to offer the betrayer a second chance. In nearly six years on this site, I've never felt any BS willing to give R a shot should be ashamed of themselves.

I think these are the reasons why there's no essay in the library or readily available articles or books on the shame of being betrayed.

It's a shame we've been betrayed, but the shame is not ours.

Don't throw bricks at me...

Esther Perel has a really good section in her book that is largely apologetic to cheaters called "The New Shame". Stating that while it was once common to stand by you man or woman, that doing so today in the modern era is difficult for people to understand, and you don't necessarily get as much support.

Your friends and family might just tell you to leave. It might not even be bad advice. Unfortunately, this leaves people that want to stay feeling less supported.

I think in my case, I might be lucky, or I might just be the kind of person that doesn't mind being open with friends. I've told my friends the truth of my situation. I've told them the ups and downs. They have been supportive no matter the circumstances. You may just have to overcome your own internal struggle with telling your support network you have been cheated on, you are trying to forgive, and it's a hard fucking road. They might support you more than you think and judge you less than you imagined.

So more or less, I deal with it the same way I deal with all the other hard feelings and emotions. I get it out there, and get understanding and support from those around me. No more shame. The shame sorta only lives if you are in hiding from the truth.

I don't feel the shame of staying.

As the BS, I haven't behaved in such a way that I feel shame over my actions. I have been behaving in a way that allows me to respect myself. I still think I'm a decent enough person.

I also keep pretty tight boundaries now, regarding my husband. It's no one's business about how I conduct my life. I am a fairly successful adult and I don't need to be told what to do.

I have to say I felt that, and in the end it was one of the reasons that I finally pulled the plug. I logically follow all of the thoughts where the BS should feel no shame, but yet I did.

I think it is also a very individual thing. What she did so violated my core beliefs that the whole time we were together after her affair I was fighting with myself. One part of me was thinking what kind of man are you to just lay down and accept this, while the other side saw how crushed she was and so wanted our marriage back. It was like I was being pulled apart. I knew a lot of it was my ego was crushed, and shouldn’t I be a bigger person. In the end I guess I wasn’t the bigger person. I just hated myself for staying, and though I treated her with respect and cordially, it wasn’t enough. I was punishing myself for staying, and punishing her by shutting her down every time she tried to reconnect.

I got tired of punishment for both of us. I just couldn’t stay in the marriage.

I will say that I do admire those that had either enough confidence or lack of ego where they have no shame and are big enough to forgive.

It’s just not me

Underserving.

I hope you can stop feeling like you are “less than” for choosing to reconcile.

There is a woman in my town whose H’s transgressions caused him to lose his job, publicly humiliated AND have his sexual harassment of an employee end up in a very prominent national newspaper. It was all over the school his children attended.

His wife chose to reconcile. That takes guts. Real inner strength. But I take from that she will not allow judgement by others to influence her behavior or choices.

waitedwaytoolong,

You said " while the other side saw how crushed she was and so wanted our marriage back. ".

How did your wife act that made you believe she was crushed and wanted your marriage back ?

How can a cheater go from cheating to being crushed and wanting their marriage back ? Is that just part of true remorse ?

I divorced my cheating ExWW so I personally do not have experience with this but I have followed many who had.

It appears to me that those who experience shame in their staying may feel that way in part because they didn't see the WS suffer any consequences, or not as much as the BS leaving would have,for their actions.

I think I can relate a bit to this. It’s ironic because I cheated first, but after having done so much work on myself, it’s hard not to have the feelings of deserving better in this situation. Logically that may not play well but emotions are not always in alignment with what makes sense.

Having been in both places this is kind of what I think. I don’t think it’s my shame to carry. It’s there as a gauge. If I look at the long game, and embrace that change is slow and healing can’t be forced. If we come to the other side of this and he does the work, and after all the shit we have heaped on each other I had been transformed into a beautiful, respectful, deeper relationship then the shame aspect will evaporate. Because my heart and mind will be reconciled and I will slowly lose that feeling of inner conflict.

If it doesn’t that shame aspect is there to tell me that I am settling for less than. If he doesn’t do the work or we can’t make it work, that shame is there to lead me to the ultimate truth of we should part ways. Look at it as something more that has to be proven - that by what he does moving forward honors you rather than continues to shame you.

I think of it as one of the things there meant to protect me, and it helps me understand it’s not just shame there but a whole myriad of things that is saying “caution!” Your relationship is tainted, it doesn’t make you unworthy. I think we have those feelings out of natural protection. When I frame it that way it makes it feel like to me I can leave it and it’s one of the obstacles that my husband will be able to help remove by proving me wrong about needing to feel shame. If he doesn’t then I refuse to succumb to staying in a relationship that I can’t ever be proud of. As the late Tom Petty said - the waiting is the hardest part.

And sometimes I think waiting is passive but at the same time there are things we have to make passive so there is room to be active on other aspects of our healing. To me, it’s not time to decide about the relationship and I feel like this shame is another pressure we put on ourselves to decide. Deciding seems like it would be more comfortable than certainty. But the reality if we all decided right after dday I think reconciliation would be more rare than it is.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:51 AM, February 11th (Thursday)]

The shame that I experience(d) is multifaceted but I think there's 3 underlying lines of thought that I went through.

The first facet of the shame was the fact that I was cheated on to begin with. It goes something like, "I can't believe that I was taken advantage of and that this was going on behind my back for so long while I gave my all."

The second facet of the shame was due to TT-DDays, which went along the lines of, "how pathetic a man am I to keep have given and keep giving a chance when I still don't know everything?"

The third facet of the shame was (and still is), "how many people knew about this? Do people look at me and mock/pity me? When I speak to clients can they see my pain through my eyes?"

When any of these types of thoughts and shame-feelings occur, it does make it difficult for me to be out and about, but I've noticed that these thoughts only pop up while I'm dark (my word for when I'm having a rough time). Since these thoughts only come up when I'm dark, I've been trying to teach myself that these thoughts are purely manifestations of the darkness. I remind myself that pulling out of the darkness itself should quell these thoughts - and that does occur.

I think the shame feelings are a part of the PTSD that we bear as BS', and that they would occur regardless of if we're going down the path of R or D.

I think it is also a very individual thing. What she did so violated my core beliefs that the whole time we were together after her affair I was fighting with myself. One part of me was thinking what kind of man are you to just lay down and accept this, while the other side saw how crushed she was and so wanted our marriage back. It was like I was being pulled apart. I knew a lot of it was my ego was crushed, and shouldn’t I be a bigger person. In the end I guess I wasn’t the bigger person. I just hated myself for staying, and though I treated her with respect and cordially, it wasn’t enough. I was punishing myself for staying, and punishing her by shutting her down every time she tried to reconnect.

Pretty much all of this is what I experience. I really don’t want it to come down to me leaving is the only way I can be free of these thoughts and feelings. There has to be a way to work through it without being told “well, don’t feel that way.” I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked.

When any of these types of thoughts and shame-feelings occur, it does make it difficult for me to be out and about, but I've noticed that these thoughts only pop up while I'm dark (my word for when I'm having a rough time). Since these thoughts only come up when I'm dark, I've been trying to teach myself that these thoughts are purely manifestations of the darkness. I remind myself that pulling out of the darkness itself should quell these thoughts - and that does occur.

This resonated with me. It is mostly when I’m having a hard day, or have gone down the rabbit hole. It used to be I would just be mad or sad with him. Now I’ve noticed it’s “he really did that to you, and you’re going to stay with him?? What’s wrong with you? Do you even have any respect for yourself?” I don’t feel that way all the time, just more often than I have since d-day. It’s taken me by surprise, and I’m not loving it. Perhaps like you, reminding myself these are “dark thoughts” (I like looking at them like that) and I will come out of it, will help me.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Please keep in mind this has very little to do with what other people think, and is more of an internal battle with myself. Everyone in my life who knows about it has been very much for reconciliation.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

De nada, glad I can help!

this has very little to do with what other people think, and is more of an internal battle with myself.

You're right. It's definitely an internal battle. When I mentioned the third facet, I really was referring to myself projecting my own feelings onto others and spurring the thoughts along. Mind over matter isn't always such a great thing but it can be when we each finally reach that point.