SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just looked at a study that found, only 16% of marriages survive infidelity. I guess that 16% includes everything from "better than ever" to "just waiting for my spouse to die". So, if the rule of third applies, only 5.3% of marriage are good or very good after infidelity. That translates into what I figure is a 95% failure rate. Yikes!

That's something the affair recovery industry just doesn't tell you.

Thoughts?

Sounds right to me. I barely made it onto the R path (hard to say I'm here anything close to permanently) after multiple confrontations that ended with discussions about D.

I know many around here go through similar struggles. I know that betrayal isn't a competition, but I believe that I simply would not have been able to accept the damage and attempt R if the betrayal had been any worse. Credit to those that have made it through R. It isn't easy, and is unlikely to succeed long term.

That sounds about right.

Cheating breaks something fundamental and innocent, that simply can't be restored for most of us. R was incredibly painful and unsuccessful for me. I couldn't look at him the same way. I knew nothing would ever be the same or as good, although I'd have stuck around trying for awhile longer if he'd not been such an unrepentant douche. Still, I'd have eventually left I'm sure.

So much of what makes the relationship precious - trust, safety, fidelity, loyalty - is obliterated by cheating.

"just waiting for my spouse to die"

Yup.

Relationships are a 3-legged stool made of Respect, Trust, and Love. After an affair, 2 of those are gone, and the BS is left hopping around on a pole.

I don't put a lot of stock in studies. Right after Dday I read many studies trying to decide if R was even worth a try. I read number from very low chances of successful R to 70% survival rate. I decided the numbers didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was what I wanted and was I willing to even give R a chance. I wasn't willing to settle - it would become the marriage I wanted and deserved or I would walk.

For those considering R - don't let the statistics discourage you. Marriages do survive and generalizations are not helpful - and many times not true.

The only outcome that should matter to you is your own. The study can be right or wrong, it doesn’t impact my aspirations or decisions at all.

Can you share what study?

EDIT: I found the wrong survey. It was a survey by "Health Testing Centers". I can't find a title or the raw data quickly.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:29 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

If ‘survive’ means, not divorcing, then that may be us.

One of us will die before WH will agree to divorce.

We will be separated indefinitely or until WH finds a new AP who insists he divorce me.

If you google "how many marriages survive infidelity" that 16% study comes up.

I don't doubt it. And the percentage of marriages that thrive after they "survive?" I don't believe it is very many.

I'm reading posts here almost daily from folks 1yr, 3yrs, 8yrs (just a few minutes before posting this), 11yrs out who "R'd" and they are miserable.

I'm divorcing, if we stayed together I don't know if I would ever trust her again. And that stain is always there, it never washes out...I hear it fades but you can never fully remove it. 100% of the time the stain does not go away.

It's probably true to say that 95% of marriages are ruined by infidelity whether you divorce or not.

But hey, Esther Perel says it could be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage.

I think Esther Perel is largely wrong on a lot of things. She is a full on blameshifter and seems to accept the cheater's handbook of excuses as something akin to serious reasons for engaging in an affair. I don't think she ever really suggests infidelity is *good* for a marriage or relationship.

The analogy she makes that I think is correct is that an affair is relationship cancer. It is generally fatal to the relationship. If you fight the cancer and get over it, your body is likely permanently weakened and you will forever be on guard for the cancer to come back. Many people that get through that fight though, come out with a new perspective that allows them to really understand what matters to them and adjust themselves to have a new life with new priorities.

It is hard to say that you don't come out of the fight for reconciliation with a bunch of new tools for value prioritization and communication.

I would be very skeptical of that figure. From what I can tell, that's all relationships in the study, not marriages (the figure there was 23.6%). But I can't find any information on the survey methodology, it's probably not a representative sample, and it's not peer-reviewed.

How many folks that have gone through infidelity want to keep it a secret and wouldn't seek out that survey?

Adultery is normally linked to vast amounts of lies and secrets. How would that correspond to accurate survey answers?

There's a lot to unpack with any statistics. I wouldn't take any survey related to it as accurate myself.

I believe it. The book Cheating in a Nutshell would be in line with this. I think probably a lot of M’s survive but to have a fully healed M with a successful R is few. My opinion is a lot of people stay together for practical reasons.

This is also the conclusion I’ve come to. My own research on various forums, websites, books and blogs seems to indicate that it’s possible to R but that true R is indeed very very rare and takes a huge amount of work from both BS and WS to get there. All along the way you have to accept that success is nether guaranteed or indeed likely, so you you need either a huge amount of faith or fear to keep you in the game.

I’ve read many many posts and articles from couples that say they have R’d but these usually contain one or all of the following phrases

“It’s a different kind of love”

“It will be different, never the same”

“Trust is not back to 100%”

Another thing I read is that the betrayed spouses in successful R’d marriages very often take a view of “from now on I’m going to do whatever makes me happy and if he/she doesn’t like it then so be it” which indicates to me that many have moved to coexisting for the sake of kids, reputation or whatever.

I have read some examples of a couple who might have achieved the almost impossible but very very few and it would seem to me, based on the fact they need to share or talk about their experience then there is always going to be some residual scar, or stain as another poster above said.

I’ve shifted gears, I’m currently looking for examples of BS who like myself, still love their WS but have come to some realisation of the above and decided to S/D rather than become one of those BS who come back 3 years, 5 years, 30 years later.

I’m not out of the game yet, I’ve gotten to a place where I understand (almost) the huge amount of work that is required and the probability of failure. I need my WS to get to that point and convince me she is prepared to travel that road with me.

I’m a stats fanatic and know that in 87% of cases the best way to lie convincingly is by using stats. By googling "how many marriages survive infidelity" the first page of results show the stats range from the aforementioned 16% to over 50%.

I’m NOT doubting infidelity is tough or that marriages end because of infidelity, but I think surveys and their reliability need to be constantly questioned. I am 90% certain the often-quoted and often-floated number of about half the marriages affected by infidelity not ending in divorce within 2 years of discovery is probably closer to home.

What that number (16 or 20 or 59 or 100%) does not tell us is how they define “surviving”. I wouldn’t be surprised that IF the 50% rate is correct then at best a third of those truly reconcile – and that is close to 16%. But that’s just a theory and about as reliable as a survey done by Elle (behind the compulsory “how to improve your sex-life” article).

In checking surveys, I found one that might better explain how scientific surveys can lead to wrong conclusions. A survey by an established university concluded that infidelity was mainly caused by faults in the relationship. Had I stopped there and simply looked at a) reputable university and b) conclusive result then I would have had to reconsider our common stance because this is something we here on SI vehemently refute.

When I read the methodology, it turns out they queried about 300 married people that acknowledged they were in an active affair. Nealy all the 300 blamed their spouse and relationship for why they “had” to have the affair. Blame shifting anyone?

I am a big proponent of IC and personal growth, but I find that most people resist it. If we have issues which can range from selfishness to codependency to addiction and avoidance to insecurity and desperation, and then we manifest any number of behaviors to cope with those underlying issues, then there's an abundance of mess in our lives. Just mess. But human nature says, "I'm fine. I can handle this." Because change is very, very difficult and uncomfortable, even when surrounded by the mess. We choose these harmful behaviors for a reason, after all. They are meeting a need, albeit a dysfunctional one.

Asking people to buck this trend and face their inner mess? Asking them to give up their chosen method of soothing that inner turnoil? They are going to struggle under the weight of that task. It's going to lead to a lot of divorce or disconnection. There will be successes, but there will be lots of failure in there, too.

With the word "Divorce" simply being a yes or no answer, with no other factors considered, the odds are surely stacked against a 'successful' marriage.

If a couple divorced after 45 years of marriage, it simply goes down in the stats as a failed marriage. But was it? You'd have to ask the 2 parties, because they may say, all things considered, that they would do the same thing again. This data can't be taken into account, so the black-and-white discussion of high divorce rates will continue to amaze people.

FWIW

Just want to throw in the other side of the coin.

Going through this for going on 10 months now I’ve heard and read a lot of stories. I also work for a company that sees divorce occasionally and the folks I work with have many years of experience.

My coworkers say that folks that divorce almost unanimously say they are happier after the divorce.

I also found here that there is almost never any regret of leaving a marriage after infidelity.

So what percent of the time are those who leave a marriage after infidelity happier (or at least have no regrets)? They survive and I bet most thrive after getting away from the person who betrayed them.

You mention a “95% failure rate.” (granted, a guess at best and very unscientific)...but my gut tells me that divorcing after infidelity has a pretty high “success” rate.

I believe there are two ways out of infidelity. One is divorce and the other is the cheater stops cheating. But realistically speaking, that only leaves one sure fire way out with divorce. I can no more make someone else be faithful than I can make it rain.

I will say that my ex told me that I should thank him for cheating as we could have a better marriage afterward. And he's right. I do have a better marriage now than I did with him. He's just not in this one and it's so much better. LOL

Anyway, I will say that my aunt was cheated on by her husband and she stayed with him. They stayed married for the next 20 plus years until he passed. I wonder what their marriage looked like on the inside. I can tell you that she changed afterward. She went from a wife that bent over backward for her husband to almost not caring about him or his opinion. I know when he died, she was sad, but it wasn't grieving like I've seen other women experience after that length of marriage. It was more along the lines of I used to have a dog to take to the park with me, but now I walk alone. You miss the dog. But that's it.

So that said, I wouldn't be surprised at any percentage numbers of how many marriage "survive" versus how many divorce. But I don't know about you guys, I don't want to just survive.