SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never know where to post these things any more, but this seems like the right fit.

We bought an RV a couple of months before I found out about his affair. I saw it almost like a vow renewal because that was a big purchase with the intentions of traveling together for several years. It was to me a huge leap of faith for him not just to agree to but to be so excited and want so much.

Now, I find myself on the other end of this leap of faith. Right now we are in the throws of:

-Me leaving my job. It's a very high paying job and one I have done for a very long time.

-selling most of our things

-selling our house

-leaving our friends and family

All of these things are coming to a head right now. I am almost finished with the job, we are getting ready to list our house in a week, and most of our things we aren't using have already been sold, given away, thrown away, etc.

Now, suddenly I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. I probably would have felt that way anyway. But, I realize we will be constantly together. At one point that seemed appealing to me? I mean, with caveats - we do have a few separate interests we can continue even on the road.

Lately everything he does gets on my nerves. That has never been the case our entire marriage. I hope that is just a phase, but it's concerning that I can't seem to control that feeling or do anything to divert it. I am really not sure what to even do with it.

I plan to talk to him about all of it over the weekend and sometimes people say things here that helps me jar things loose. I feel that always leads us to have better discussions.

I am still doing IC, but I have dropped to monthly. It's kind of expensive for us both to do at once, and while that's not usually a huge concern, I am trying to be more conservative now that I won't have a job. I also don't have a ton of time with everything we have going on. I think some of my fears are I just put myself in a position that now I am relying on him financially and I have never relied on anyone in that way after leaving home at 19.

At the same time, logic can kick in and I know I could get a different position, and if we are being even more honest, this actually puts us in a better place if we do decide to divorce later. All the assets are then pretty much paper shuffling rather than dealing with 20 years worth of stuff to divide and conquer.

I am not really sure what it is I am looking for, but this is a very rough time for us in a time that it should be pure happiness. I have been trying to focus on the happiness, after all what we are getting ready to do is something we have dreamed about together for a long time. I think there will be either an opportunity for some big reconnections or it's going to illuminate why there never will be.

I can even see what I am typing that I am probably putting maybe more pressure around it than I should. But, this is a major life revision. I don't want to not do it, but at the same time the closer it gets the more trepidation I have.

On the other hand (the logical one) I am ready for new career challenges, I can buy another house if I want to. I am in a good position. Why this is so emotionally scary is not a mystery.

Maybe I am just overwhelmed but I have to also think, there are a lot of phases to recovery, reconciliation. Do I want to be doing POLF in an RV on our own? At the same time I realize this could be the best thing to happen for us.

Anyway, thanks for listening to this disjointed post. I need to unwind this a bit and try and hone in on some thoughts that I want to share with him. I am a logical person who wants to move forward with the plans, but my emotions are getting out of sorts the closer it gets.

Fear of the unknown can be a huge deterrent in any decision or life change. Please do not let the fear of this unknown prevent you from embarking on a journey together that could be the best thing that could ever happen to the two of you.

I can buy another house if I want to

Please get this thought out of your head as it may be setting you up to not put everything you have into this adventure.

Good luck and safe travels.

This is a tough spot to be in. I wouldn't completely disregard your concerns and hope for the best. That's a guaranteed way to feeling trapped later if things don't go as well as you hoped. Maybe this will be the best for you. Maybe it will be a quiet, boring hell of continued frustration. Nobody can predict it until it happens.

Could you make a plan B if you decide the RV situation is not working on? Have a place to go or a convenient way to get one lined up?

Your post was very touching HO...

Is this what you want?

The oldest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is the fear of the unknown...

Wishing you everything...

I can buy another house if I want to

Please get this thought out of your head as it may be setting you up to not put everything you have into this adventure.

Could you make a plan B if you decide the RV situation is not working on? Have a place to go or a convenient way to get one lined up?

Logistically it's not an issue, we have rental properties that I can land to, and it's just true, we both could purchase a different home. We could also purchase one together. I imagine if all goes well, we won't want to do this forever and we will eventually own a house again regardless.

These thoughts though spurred on something else - So, if logistics are not a problem, what am I afraid of? I think I am afraid of having an answer to our marriage? You know that thing where BS are pressuring themselves to decide? I don't do that now only because I see the pitfall of it. I will take that thought train and back it up immediately But, at the same time, maybe that's avoidance? I just keep letting it unfold, and I am mostly comfortable with that.

He is doing what he should be doing, that hasn't been an issue so far. I imagine that he just gets on my nerves because I am still mad at him. I am really, really mad at him. That's probably where most of my discomfort is. That, and just how much damage can one relationship withstand?

I also think that I worry that I am more in love with the idea of traveling and am not dealing with things head on as I should. I have a history with that. Getting swept up is kind of my style.

I am not making sense. Again, I recognize this really should be something for my gratitude practice rather than fretting about it. Its just we are working on getting our home ready for sale and that has been a painful process (mostly for me it seems like), and like I said he is so much on my nerves I feel inauthentic not having a bigger discussion about it.

In the end, I know I am going. I want to go. He wants to go. The only way we are doing that is together, it's the only way it works.

I know we can make a different decision at any time. There are a lot of positives as well - a lot of new memories untouched by either affair being top of the list.

I think I am just really mad and it's conflicting.

You are less than a year out from your D-Day. I think your reservations are normal.

I hope you spend some time and clear your head. Listen to yourself and do what is best for you.

hikingout, your d-day was just a few months ago. You've hardly given yourself the chance to recover, let alone heal. Of course you feel a tremendous amount of trepidation. I'd say that's perfectly normal. Of course you're incredibly angry. That's perfectly normal, too.

You, my dear, are pushing yourself way too fucking hard. I know you've been on this site for years. I know that you've changed a bit, grown a bit, and strived to be a better version of yourself. I know you think you've got a handle on this shit and strongly suspect that you're just not willing to admit to yourself that understanding a journey and walking that journey are two very, very different things.

Give yourself time to recover. The world isn't coming to an end any time soon.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:56 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

There's no way to know HOW you're going to be feeling about your WH in a few years' time. If you're happy in your job, better to keep it for as long as it makes you happy. It's hard to find really good work as we get older. And in terms of giving up home and roots?... at six years out, I can tell you that there's no way I would do that. Sometimes, the love doesn't survive the betrayal... and it takes YEARS to die. That's not to say there's no love at all, or caring, or concern... just that it isn't enough to be together 24/7. With hindsight being what it is, I'd wait at least ten years to see how I felt.

I am 100% with unhinged. 100%. 'm probably more risk averse than most, AND

I don't understand the rush.

I don't understand making such a HUGE change so soon after a dday

I don't understand why you would become financially dependent upon your WH, with whom you are - understandably - PISSED at.

And - I don't have to understand any of that, it's your life and not mine.

If you were not a MH, I think the bulk of folks on SI would be screaming at you to take a step back and slow down.

Many of your thoughts/posts after dday2 have included confusion about the juxtaposition of being both a WS and a BS (and particularly being a WS BEFORE you became a BS). It's totally understandable. However, I have to wonder if/how that dichotomy & confusion plays in these MAJOR decisions today.

EVERY BS has hopes & dreams for their futures on dday.

EVERY BS has to navigate how to proceed with those hopes/dreams in light of the new information.

How does the fact that you had already invested in this particular dream before you knew of his A impact things (or the decisions you are making now)?

As much as you may (and I don't know) want to believe your WH is doing the work and changing, it's really not something you share much here (or not that I've seen).

I dunno. I don't want to project, but reading this post just screams to me to slow down. You do not HAVE to put your house on the market next week. Just bc there was a plan before your dday does not mean you have to follow it AFTER dday (hell, you and the other good folks of SI are probably the folks that taught me this).

My sense is that you are someone that feels good about follow through. Which I believe to be an admirable trait.... but is it possible that this "part" of you may be clouding your gut? That feeling good about checking the boxes of this next chapter is coming at the expense of healing as a BS?

Again, could be projecting. My sense could be WAY off base (and it won't hurt my feelings to tell me so).

ETA: I was writing as CT was posting, but I think she makes some good points.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:37 PM, May 12th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

There is no way I would ever advise a BS that this is a good idea, a few months out from dday.

Yes, you've been here awhile. Yes,you've done the work to become a former WS. That doesn't mean you really know what to expect as a BS. This side of the fence is a whole other ball game.

The truth is..you DON'T know what to expect from him right now. You don't know if he is someone you can trust now,certainly, but in the future. He spent a very long time lying to you. While watching you turn yourself inside out as a WS.

And you don't know what you will feel,as a BS 6 months from now. You may love him,and want to reconcile. Sometimes those things aren't enough.

You said he's doing what he should be doing. What does that look like?

He is irritating you,and you HOPE it's just a phase. What if it's not? Sometimes it's not.

I also think that I worry that I am more in love with the idea of traveling and am not dealing with things head on as I should. I have a history with that. Getting swept up is kind of my style.

This. I think this is your gut telling you this is all a really bad idea,right now. Now is not the time to quit that great job. Now is not the time to sell your home. And now is not the time to be stuck in an RV, with a man you don't trust. Maybe the two of you will get there eventually. But now is not that time. The pressure you feel, is your gut screaming at you to stop.

Why are you uncomfortable being mad at him? Anger is very normal for a BS. Especially after the first few months. Why do you feel uncomfortable? You need to get very comfortable with your anger. You need to express it. Sit in it. Process it. And allow yourself to be a BS.

I'm in the found out years later club. It's been 3+ years since I found out about his serial cheating that supposedly stopped 20 years ago. I've been in IC since fall 2017. He's done everything recommended here.

I found out after I'd given up a government job of almost 20 years and moved across the country with him and our youngest kids. One's now out of high school and the other's a junior. Moving then or now would be detrimental to them. There's no way to pick up where I left off with my job either. I play a lot of coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Your d-day is very recent. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're any different than the rest of us BS as far as healing from betrayal. Your brain might understand some of it better but that doesn't mean your heart does.

Until your marriage is fully restored, do not give up your job security to travel in a tiny space with someone you still do not fully trust again.

You said you have rental properties...use one if you want to sell the house. Take some short trips. Regret and resentment need to be fully behind both of you before you give up everything. Better be sure or your emotions will wreak havoc.

Will he still see IC on the road? You do not need to give up IC for him either. If he has money for all of his other plans, he should be paying for your IC.

I remembered something you posted the other day and I think it's very relevant here now.

People want to skip the recovery stage and make a decision. It would behoove them to tend to themselves during the recovery stage and then make an assessment after that. It's very hard to be that practical in those early days when you are reeling. So, I think not only do we have unrealistic expectations of the WS, we have a lot of unrealistic expectations of a new BS.

What are your expectations of yourself and your wayward husband? Are you already out of the recovery stage? Has he had the time to truly change? Where were you 7 months out after you confessed? I bet you would have jumped at the chance to leave everything behind and start over. Possibly rugsweep?

I don't think you want to rugsweep and pretend none of this happened. But can you say the same for your husband?

I was going to ask how you'd advise a BS that's 7 months out from DDay, and planning on such a monumental change. But my guess is it would sound a lot like what most here are telling you.

What's the rush? Waiting a year certainly doesn't count as procrastinating.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 6:24 AM, May 13th (Thursday)]

hiking- you've posted about and planned for this move for SO long. It's a monumental thing-and even all by itself would be enough to raise certain fears and insecurities.

Throw in recovering from infidelity? Jebus dude. Of COURSE you're getting all weirded out about parts of it! Of course you are!

I would, personally, never discourage you (a grown ass-sane-smart-well off sounding woman?) from following through on something you (you hiking-specifically and personally) have sounded-and SOUND- so excited about.

As far as any observations I guess . . .

1. Sorta, fact checking your own irrational fears and trying to keep those in their place- with ACTUAL information-sounds like an excellent practice-never stop! You have fears related to housing/finances but-it sounds like the REALITY is that you all had this planned and worked out for quite some time and, in your case, they are JUST fears. You don't have small kids-you don't sound financially strapped or stupid or unemployable or otherwise limited. So I would say if you, hiking, still WANT to go-then go!

2. It is soooooo normal and common to be only just now reaching the true rage stage as a bs. Sooooooo normal and common as to be EXPECTED really. (I was personally fucking furious from go-but I've read enough here to know that's true) Also typical for the rage to be a shocking experience (shit howdy can i personally confirm that was the case for me)-even if the bs thought they knew how angry they were initially. Strap in lady, you just THOUGHT you were uneasy with your feelies before-get back into ic once a week. Find one who can do remote while you're on the road. If you can afford to do this trip-you can afford self care in the form of therapy. You also sound like you need an outlet-or an additional one. Make sure you are saying and expressing all that you need to to him-and then hunt down boxing gyms on your route. Or like-charitable demo/construction that needs doing in places you're passing through or start shooting watermelons or popping balloons or something. Seriously-you need to find a way to release some of that rage. Which brings me to . . .

3. It is awesome you're asking all of this NOW (in r terms) because it gives you a chance to figure out what you need and an opportunity to negotiate for it before you hit the road. Being in a small space like that for an extended period IS going to be intense in certain ways-it can also be intimate and bonding. With or without cheating on either side-it's probably a VERY good idea to closely examine the needs of any parties involved-and negotiate firm ass boundaries about separate time and activities and the need for alone time. So that you can hope to find your way to intimacy-having the foresight to be sure-footed around the pits-since you (hopefully!) know how to spot them.

Good luck, it really sounds like it could be so many dips and hills on the roller-coaster to me.

[This message edited by thisissogross at 11:15 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

A. Thank you for all the (hard earned?) wisdom that you have so freely shared with us.

2. Re: “Lately everything he does gets on my nerves. That has never been the case our entire marriage. I hope that is just a phase, but it's concerning that I can't seem to control that feeling or do anything to divert it. I am really not sure what to even do with it.”

My suggestion? Accentuate the negative (I’m vaguely remembering a show tune?). Whatever is annoying you, point it out, discuss it, and work together to make it as annoying as humanly possible. Open-mouth gum chewing? Get more gum and download a decibel measurement app and see how loud he can get.

Give equal time and apply the same methodology to your habit of constantly groaning (?) in the Gyuto monks tradition of overtone singing, also described as "chordal chanting".

(Just guessing, I could have the wrong group of monks).

The term “embrace the suck” comes to mind but I’m too lazy to research at this hour; feel free to look into it and report back.

I’m even more ignorant of Latin but kind of like “reductio ad absurdum”’ but more like “exaggerationo foibleations via judo move-o”

Hope this helps but in the likely event that it does not, please provide specific details of what you are finding annoying so that wiser folk can provide better advice.

A. Thank you for all the (hard earned?) wisdom that you have so freely shared with us.

2. Re: “Lately everything he does gets on my nerves. That has never been the case our entire marriage. I hope that is just a phase, but it's concerning that I can't seem to control that feeling or do anything to divert it. I am really not sure what to even do with it.”

My suggestion? Accentuate the negative (I’m vaguely remembering a show tune?). Whatever is annoying you, point it out, discuss it, and work together to make it as annoying as humanly possible. Open-mouth gum chewing? Get more gum and download a decibel measurement app and see how loud he can get.

Give equal time and apply the same methodology to your habit of constantly groaning (?) in the Gyuto monks tradition of overtone singing, also described as "chordal chanting".

(Just guessing, I could have the wrong group of monks).

The term “embrace the suck” comes to mind but I’m too lazy to research at this hour; feel free to look into it and report back.

I’m even more ignorant of Latin but kind of like “reductio ad absurdum”’ but more like “exaggerationo foibleations via judo move-o”

Hope this helps but in the likely event that it does not, please provide specific details of what exactly is “getting on your nerves”’so that wiser folk can provide better advice.

[This message edited by Papercoversrock at 1:36 AM, May 13th (Thursday)]

hikingout,

Beyond what others are saying about moving too quickly, which I also agree with, here are a few things from my experience.

Early retirement, or even stopping your career/long-term job for a period, was disconcerting for me. My WH and I owned a business and worked together for 10+ yrs. It was the only career we had ever really known as we met in graduate school. At the first the business was a great fun joint adventure. After a while, we both felt stressed and overworked, especially after our children were born. We decided to sell the business and most of our properties and home, take a few years to travel and spend time with our children, and then get regular 9-5 jobs. It ended up being longer than a few years, but that was our plan. After selling the business there was a certain void and aimless feeling for both of us. The career was a large part of our identities. It's almost a feeling of grief? We both moved on and eventually took up side projects, but it is disconcerting.

There's a trepidation and adjustment with living on unearned income only too. I didn't find it difficult once we took the leap though.

Some of my experiences with travelling were among the best of my life, others were challenging.

Part of the time we traveled on our boat. One boating instructor called boat living/cruising like being in an RV on the water. I'm not sure about that. Our only experience with anything like an RV is taking a pop-up camper on a 2 week vacation cross-country. That wasn't anything like living on the boat.

On the boat, there was a large portion of our day spend on daily living activities. I was home schooling children. That was great. The other parts of boating and boat and system maintenance, finding groceries/food and supplies, arranging for laundry and medical services, and transportation to from all of those takes time and effort - especially if you're in a new country. I'm not sure how much of that will apply for you. When we travelled on land, we were also arranging for all those items, but we didn't have any boat maintenance.

I felt a deep loneliness at times. My WH probably did not. I'm an introvert and have a handful of close friends that I've known for years. Those friends and my siblings are the only people I share my closest feelings and inner world with. I have groups of acquaintances - my neighbors, coworkers, people I see regularly at the gym or my fellowship or the store - that I enjoy interacting with on a different level. I missed them all. The acquaintances provided a structure and stability that I didn't realize I would miss so much. We were often in places, whether traveling on land or by boat, where we couldn't easily stay in touch with family and friends.

My WH enjoyed meeting all the new people. I did sometimes, but not other times. At times I just felt sad knowing that I met someone I really connected with and we were moving on soon. Other times I was annoyed by the shallowness. I remember once saying that I'd rather have a cavity filled then go to another happy hour, potluck, or beach volleyball game.

My WH and I were ok with paring down and putting everything in a 10x10 storage unit. We also moved houses often and were never attached to one. I was probably more attached to the boat after all those years. We both have large family homes that have more sentimental attachment than any house we've owned.

Come to think of it, do any of these issues sound similar to your mid-life crisis associated with your children leaving home?

There's something else you wrote about being dependent on your husband that is a much deeper issue for me personally. I have a hard time quantifying it. There's fear and vulnerability and even shame wrapped up in it. I've held onto a job that I'm not really suited for anymore for years since Dday. I'll be relieved to leave it soon.

Let's see ... you have a very high-paying job, you're financially able to leave it, you can buy a new house ... but therapy for 2 is sort of expensive? I guess you could be thinking straight, but it sure looks like you are missing something.... (Obviously, you wrote only about resources, not obligations. I'm asking you to think about the conclusion (that therapy is too much money). IMO, you have no need to defend it.)

I think you need IRL give and take and feedback for what you're going through, and I recommend at least weekly IC for the next few weeks.

I think you must be dealing with fear of the unknown - it just seems impossible to avoid that when you're making such big life changes. I expect you're very stressed, too, by the life changes, which I somehow think is separate from fear.

I fear that you're feelings may be connected to some pre/sub-conscious realization that your H is not truly on board for R or is otherwise doing this for unhealthy reasons ... maybe he's running away, for example.

I urge you to pay attention to yourself and your thoughts and feelings, but I think the help of a good IC can get you through this faster than doing it on your own - and you're in a time crunch.

Once again, what makes yoh a model WW hurts you as a BW. You know the answer. Put all of this off until you heal.

That was a great post, trampoline.

HO, I realize that some of these plans may be too far along to unpick (for instance, if you've been training your replacement for your job, you probably can't just tell them, "Never mind, I'm staying"). However, there may be compromises between postponing the entire plan or going in full throttle. If you're rolling into the anger stage, and you haven't yet figured out the extent to which you want to (or can) direct that, it's going to be very difficult to live in a box full time with your WH.

Can you either keep the house or arrange some other living space to return to periodically and reassess? I know that's an added expense, but you're investing in your future here. Whether you end up with R or D, it's not going to go better if things get acrimonious because one or both of you feels trapped. It's worth some outlay to take the pressure off.

I hear a lot of the same things in the update, hiking, that I hear in my clients who are taking that step into retirement. They are getting ready to spend A LOT of time with their spouse/significant other that hasn't been done, well, ever.

There is the leaving of the job that has provided well for so many years. There is the downsizing of the home that holds memories of so many years. The getting rid of the "stuff" that has accumulated over those years.

There is a great deal of unknown and, as many have already said, that is the greatest of all fears.

And when infidelity is added to the top of all this stress (or is it the other way around, really?), it all adds onto that stuff that rests on our upper back and shoulders and we definitely feel it.

Here's what I typically tell my new retirees: this is a scary and exciting new adventure. You've been planning for this. There is a reason that this was part of the plan. Allow yourself to see/feel that initial enjoyment from when the planning started. Give it a little time. If you find out that you don't enjoy it as much as you thought, we can come back to the table and make the adjustments to that plan. You've got this. And, you've got the next decision when/if it comes time to make it. I believe in you.