SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Complicated story here, but it is a small town and there are few options for triathlon training coaching here. FWH and my coach has left the country. The other big team is OW's coaching team. FWH's new male training partner is great friends with OW's coach. FWH has been giving me the full court press on how he should be "allowed" to switch teams. Truthfully, up to this point.....he's been doing all the things he should. He thinks that if he just continues to avoid her, but works out with his male training partner on her team.....I should be ok. And, has said some ENORmously shitty things about this being a "me" problem. We just came back from an amazing adventure together, but it was tainted by this. We've had 4 knock down drag-out fights over this. I'm pretty clear....this will not happen in my marriage2.0. Calm until I can't be. Things culminated the night before last when I was just done. Kicked him out of the bedroom. He stupidly told me he was filing in the morning (yesterday). I told him to go for it. Honestly, I was fully prepared and calm about that as a distinct possibility. I felt like, if this is the hill that he's going to die on....so be it.

The idea of being on the same team.....won't EVER be ok. I called the new training partner and explained. New training partner has been through this on the other side. I guess the "go for it" hit FWH hard enough. He emailed, called, texted, and left a note under the door of our marriage counselor - who had told us...."guys...you're good" not that long ago. Thankfully, he was able to see us for a marathon session last night. During which, twice I had to leave. MC prevailed upon H just what a dumbshit he was being. That these are the consequences, no matter how much of a poster child he's being in recovery....I will ALWAYS need him to avoid ANY semblance of proximity perceived or otherwise. H grudgingly agreed....is still a little pissy about me not being "recovered enough"for this. After chatting with the new training partner, I KNOW H is not looking to switch teams to be closer to OW - but just wants to keep up training and friendship with the male training partner. Male training partner's XW was the cheater. And, being around him has been helpful for H.

Yes, friends....I know this is a sport. I'm hooked on it now too. Honestly, being able to do this has been a godsend for me - in spite of all the potential triggers. It has given me the strength to let go of the outcome and also stand up for myself in ways I never would have pre-A.

MC sent us home last night with instructions not to talk about it with each other for a few days. We're back on the MC's regular schedule. H was DEEP in a shame spiral in the session. I don't think HE'S as recovered as he thinks he might be. Crazy as it sounds. We left the MC's went on to have a nice dinner out and went to a comedy club....and actually had a nice night. My brain hurts from the spinning.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I don't think HE'S as recovered as he thinks he might be.

I think you're right.

I definitely understand wanting something that's not good for me, so I have some sympathy for your H.

I agree that going with the other team is choosing to get onto a slippery slope. Blaming you for not being healed enough is wayward thinking. Your H needs to understand that going with the other team would be choosing his A first and you second.

Even the best A has setbacks, though, and some of them come 2+ years out. That's why the rule of thumb here is 2-5 years to recover, and R is a step beyond recovery. IOW, 2 years isn't enough time to know if R will succeed.

OTOH, you're raising the issue is positive for you, whether you end up R'ed or not. Your H's decision not to switch teams is positive for R. His thinking isn't positive at this point, but if he keeps working, the chances he will change will keep getting better.

Ladybugmaam,

Sisoon is correct is saying that your husband's thinking is not positive at this point but his decision is a positive one.

I know that my husband's thinking often is not positive for our R, but every time we argue, discuss consequences from his infidelity, he gets it more. Sometimes reluctantly. And the decisions he makes afterwards are good ones for us. It's almost like he needs time to figure things out by himself, when for me it's instantly obvious what needs to be done for our marriage.

I wish you and your husband a smooth recovery from this major setback.

Thank you guys. I'm grateful this afternoon to learn that he's been scheming with the male training partner to find a solution that doesn't poke at my boundaries. I'm super grateful for the training partner willing to do this with H. I'm glad he has friends that can support him through this and also feed his need to train while ALSO being friends of our marriage. But, my head hurts from all the spinning.

Can I just say how proud I am of you for holding your boundary on this? You handled this perfectly.

I’m glad your husband is making the right choices. I’m sorry he’s frustrated by the consequences his actions have resulted in. You know this already, but for those reading who may need to hear it, no one should ever try to guilt you for "not being over this yet". I don’t know if there is a BS out there who would be okay with this no matter how far out they are.

Can I just say how proud I am of you for holding your boundary on this? You handled this perfectly.

I’m glad your husband is making the right choices. I’m sorry he’s frustrated by the consequences his actions have resulted in. You know this already, but for those reading who may need to hear it, no one should ever try to guilt you for "not being over this yet". I don’t know if there is a BS out there who would be okay with this no matter how far out they are.

Ladybug maam,

I applaud you for having the courage to stand up for your self. I remember the other woman has continued to lurk around.

I was reading a novel in it was a MC session that included them writing guidelines for the marriage the two that were talked about were radical honesty and friends of the marriage. The scenario that was given was if the WH had told the wife about dropping off the co worker this would not have happened. This brings in mind the situation your in, you know he had the affair around this very situation why would you be okay with it? Reverse it would he be okay?

Our D Day was May 2011. Reconciliation was By no means perfect. I told my husband to read this radical honesty and marriage guidelines section of the novel. We had a discussion about radical honesty in all aspects of our life.

The issue for you I am afraid is still selfishness and his putting him self first. There is an old saying god is first, family second and I am third. Your husband fails to see this is a life long guideline. He broke trust and your line in the sand is no contact with the OW ever. It is to much opportunity for her sliding in. Him giving in to temptation. This is not a punishment you are giving him it is a condition to have a healthy marriage.

I hope this makes sense.

Well what a bummer! I am so sorry!!! Ladybugmaam, I remember your story from the start. I am a runner and very active in a local club. I think there needs to be a zap back to reality. You are his WIFE. This is a HOBBY. That you are working hard to make sure he can still enjoy training is A LOT. It is a LOT for you to be doing!!!! Plenty of people would say "nope - no more tri training, it is too painful and OW will be in our orbit". How disappointing that your husband would push this change to the team OW is on. And have a fit about it, to boot!

Your husband needs to get back to reality here. He is LUCKY he gets to have you and his sport. Period.

Good job sticking to your boundaries. Don't budge. You deserve better than this. I hope he can pull his head out quickly and realize he is being pretty awful.

Thankfully, he’s seen reason. He literally camped at the marriage counselor’s office to get us in.

Are your PMs full. Not able to send you one.

Issues come up in every life. Resolving them is the hard part.

This could be a big issue, one that could make or break your M. Instead of just throwing in the towel, you stepped up for yourself and your M. Your H may be stepping up.

I understand how painful addressing an issue can be. I'm writing to say that you've done something very good for yourself, and you'll recognize that once the emergency is over, if you don't recognize it already.

Just cleared my pm’s

I have to acknowledge that Prior to the affair I stuffed a lot. I made it too easy in many ways. No more!

I have to acknowledge that Prior to the affair I stuffed a lot. I made it too easy in many ways. No more!

Me too!!!! A lot a lot. I think it is a big adjustment for them for us to have boundaries and show our upset/disappointment. But it is righting what was wrong to begin with.