SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys, I really could use some advice. My wife is bipolar and has suffered lots of abuse growing up, including child abuse by a family member and domestic abuse by her abuser exbf who is in jail for drug trafficking. I am a private investigator and anti human trafficking taskforce agent, and I missed all the signs... Long story short we met online as she was (unconsciously) seeking for a white knight experienced in helping abuse survivors, and ended up falling for me within a month and so did I. Due to covid, our meeting in person got delayed for months... and after we married, I discovered she was an escort/sugar baby for 3 years, she started on it as to get back at her abusive bf and also because she was conditioned to be objectified since she was a child. She basically stopped doing it around 4 months before we met in person, and we married 3 months after meeting. Many times I was hurting cause she disappeared and now I know why. She has cried, apologized, and says she feels lots of hate, shame, and disgust towards herself. I believe her.

I went to the finish line and found all kinds of texts, emails, hard evidence on her emails, drives, and even some profiles she had at some sugar baby sites. Oh boy I regret seeing some things a lot. She was very sloppy in hiding stuff and once I got access to 1 email the Pandora box opened. She is a student and before I supported her financially she had no income and no prospect of getting a proper job. The lies and the denial, the way she gets defensive... is really tough on me. I offered her financial help before we met and she didnt accept it, so as you can see, she is not after my money (not that I have much).

How do I avoid lashing out? Our relationship and arguments can get dicey in seconds as she is bipolar and Im what's known as "quiet borderline personality disorder" in which I suffer all the pain and lash at myself not at her... not a great combo but the love we have for each other is gigantic. Its been only 1 month since I found out and I already forgave her, but at the same time, I have not forgiven myself over not seeing the red flags. Now I feel I have to be extra vigilant with her and she has agreed no disclose all her communications with me as I have, and we basically dont leave any room for anyone to be meddling in our relationship.

I wanna trust her again especially since it happened before the relationship was "real" but for me it fel real since day 1. She says she only did once or twice a month to finance her studies but Idk... most days I believe in her good nature and others I worry a cheater is always cheater. I also feel that because it happened before our first kiss, I am being a bit oversensitive, but I was faithful for that whole year and I suffered intensely... anytime I remember those days she disappeared the pain comes back almost undiluted...

It seems I'm on the final stages of grief (ive had a hard life and I get over shit quick) - but I still feel traumatized and with a little PTSD. Whats the best way to disengage when our arguments start they go from 0 to 1000 in 2 seconds and then the blame game starts... when we are good, is the best but when we are arguing, is hell.

Too intense. Too much fire. And both of us get super hurt very quick if the other is not careful.

If I have read your story correctly, your wife did not partake in prostitution after you two physically met and started to date. She clearly did not divulge a significant part of her past. She should have done that. But, she actually did not cheat unless there was a commitment to be exclusive before the two of you met. Unless specifically agreed upon, it seems unrealistic to assume a commitment before the two of you ever physically met.

The question is whether she can be a safe partner going forward. She clearly needs professional help in my opinion. She should also do everything in her power to allay any fears that she will go back to prostitution or cheat on you in other ways. Whether her failure to disclose her past to you is a deal-breaker is up to you. But it doesn't sound like she cheated on you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:36 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

I guess one could categorize keeping major secrets from a spouse as infidelity, but frankly its not the sort of infidelity this site deals with.

I think you need to shoulder some responsibility for rushing into a marriage. Part of the pre-marriage period is spent learning about the potential spouse, and you rushed that. I’m not bashing you for that – romance does have it’s benefits but committing for a lifetime based on online interaction and then 4 months of real interaction… that’s not sensible.

What I see is a very troubled woman with issues that need to be dealt with. It then becomes a question of if whether you want to be part of the solution or if you want to move on. Both options are fine by me. What is NOT fine by me is to use her past as a tool or forum to basically abuse her. Keep in mind that based on what you share – and your experience as an "anti human trafficking taskforce agent" – abused women tend to seek out abusive relationships because that’s what they expect and know. IMHO you risk sinking into that form of relationship, albeit not a physically abusive one.

I encountered a lot of sexual workers as a police officer. I have no belief whatsoever in the "happy-hooker" theory that suggests women can do this work as a free, no-consequence action or as a vocation. Just like she’s encountering your response now she’s probably been tormented internally about what she did. Add that to her existing mental issues and you have a very volatile and dangerous situation. One that IMHO won’t be dealt with or helped without outside professional help.

she had no income and no prospect of getting a proper job
As a student flipping burgers is a proper job. As is dog-walking, serving at a restaurant, bar tending, cleaning hotel rooms, stocking shelf's at a market… I don’t want to stigmatize sex-work, but there is a certain threshold participants need to clear to enter that line of work. Often that threshold is lowered by drug-use or mental issues. Often upbringing and morals will make that threshold sufficiently high. What is clear is that she surpassed that threshold. I don’t think it’s to your advantage to minimize that by suggesting she had no income or no means of getting an income other than prostitution.

Bottom line:
It’s totally your call if you want to help her deal with this or not. If no, then contact an attorney and see what you can do to get out of this marriage with the least financial damage. Annulment or whatever. If you do decide to get out then you have no moral or ethical requirement to help her any more than you want to.
If you want to help her and/or if you want to remain married, then pay for some really heavy counseling. Like real IC and psychotherapists that can help her with both her mental issues and her dark past.

You probably need some help yourself, and I do think the both of you could benefit with MC as things develop.

Your story reads as she has been loyal since you've been together, except for this

Many times I was hurting cause she disappeared and now I know why.

What does that mean? Why was she disappearing?

If she is diagnosed as BP then she should be in regular contact with her doctors. Medication is essential. Next both of you need counseling from trauma specialists. I vigorously recommend EMDR. It is a sub speciality of therapy. Both of you appear to have brought a boatload of trauma into your marriage. Getting all this under control is so important.
1. Get tested
2. Make appts with individual therapists.
3. Make sure she stays in touch with hers doctors and takes her medications.
4. Touch base with an attorney to see what you can do to protect yourself financially and otherwise
5. Accept that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her history.
6. Accept that chaos is a comfortable place for her.
7. Do NOT have children until there is a lot more stability in your lives. A child needs all the care an attention
that you both are using up every day.
8. Take care of your health. Living with stress takes years off your life.

I already forgave her, but at the same time…

It doesn’t sound like that is true. Not even transactionally.

Ask yourself what true forgiveness would be like, to include your relationship with her past. It wouldn’t matter any more, and you wouldn’t be in this struggle. You’re not there yet. It may not be achievable for you.

Sending strength!

I DONT KNOW HOW TO QUOTE HERE IN THIS FORUM so let me go 1 by 1

src9043: we got officially engaged in April. She did this in june/may still as far as I know. WE AGREED we would be exclusive since the 2nd month, July 2020. She cheated. I didn't. I had many chances. Im not that kind of man, I never was... Ive never been a cheater. When I was single yes, everything is fair game but when I commit is for SURE. I am very loyal and demand loyalty from whoever I date.

Bigger - Thank you for your advise. The relationship has turned a bit abusive and definitely VERY demanding since the cheating became known. In the sense I lose my patience when I discover any lie, or when she fails to answer her phone. I never call her names, I did call her irresponsible the other day. I never yell at her. The day I found out the truth about the sugar baby shit, I sat and drank for an hour or two as I watched her sleep, thinking on how to best tackle this. I didnt raise my voice to her, not once. All in all, Ive had the patience of a saint, under the circumstances.

GoldenR - She disappeared when she was escorting or extracting money from men online, via skype.

HouseOfPlane - what do u mean her past? ITS MY PAST TOO. We were supposed to be exclusive.

How do I avoid lashing out? Our relationship and arguments can get dicey in seconds as she is bipolar and Im what's known as "quiet borderline personality disorder" in which I suffer all the pain and lash at myself not at her... not a great combo but the love we have for each other is gigantic.

Try finding an online article with the keywords, "gottman four horseman". You should both read it and all the linked material. In it, you'll find communications styles which will cause the destruction of your relationship. Follow on links will give you instructions for what to do instead. Then, get a copy of What Makes Love Last; How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman, read it and do the quizzes together. This title will expound on those communication issues as well as help you identify whatever trust you have left.

Honestly, I don't think this gets better until you've both had a some significant therapy and until you both figure out how you feel about prostitution. You can doll it up with other terms, like "sugar baby, "escort", or "sex worker", but it's still prostitution and she still did it while supposedly being committed to you. This is part of your history now and I think you'd both do well to figure out how you feel about it before going any further. Has she amended her thoughts on it? Can you go forward knowing what you know? Is it in the past or is it something she might do again if pressed for money? Can you really put it behind you and never think of her in those terms again? I think if you give in to the need to provide euphemisms for what happened, it might come back later to bite you on the butt, you know? Be brutally honest, at least with yourself.

For right now, while you're both trying to figure out what you want... think about getting a safe word, so that when you're talking either one of you can use it to stop the conversation cold. Then you can pick it up after again after you've both cooled off.

what do u mean her past? ITS MY PAST TOO. We were supposed to be exclusive.

Sorry, it wasn't 100% clear that she cheated after you got married, until I saw your response to GoldenR.

Best of luck, SM777!

SilverMoon,

You have a reason not just to divorce but to annul your marriage since she hid a significant fact from you. I don't know how you can overcome the thought of your wife with so many partners particularly if you are living in the same area where she used to meet up.

Can you track down some of the Johns and expose them to their wives as a public service?

Not to mention that you need to get yourself STD tested and monitor yourself for life for various HPV related cancers, as her exposure to so many sexual partners creates a gigantic risk for you.

Silvermoon777

Your timings are not very clear. I don’t see confirmation that she was escorting AFTER marriage but it might be that she was escorting during your dating period. Maybe even during the period you though you two were exclusive. You are not clear enough on these issues for us to help you correctly.

Keep in mind that for sex-workers sex isn’t "sex" – it’s work. Whatever she had or experienced with you as far as romance and/or sex is something totally different from what she exchanged with others for money.

I think you two rushed too fast into marriage, and I do think that rush has created a serious need to clarify both your expectations from the marriage. I would suggest the following two steps:

Evaluate YOU from a really pragmatic financial POV. Like do you have savings, assets, pension? IF this ends in divorce NOW (or annulment) what impact could that have on your finances? What about a year from now? What about 5 years from now? To be honest – I give your marriage a 1/5 chance of making it with these issues going on and her mental health and I personally wouldn’t want to risk my paid-for home on a 1/5 bet. Once this evaluation is over you can take actions that protect your financial status. That could be annulment with the intent of marrying later, it could be divorce, it could be the moving of assets or whatever.

You two need to sit down for a serious talk about your joint expectations. Basically evaluate if you are compatible. I think professional help is needed for both of you, and you could easily reach a decision to not decide on the future of the marriage until that’s in place. However – THAT decision needs to be reached with the result of the first task (the financial pragmatism) in mind.

You married a woman that you barely knew, which means that you are both prone to making very reckless decisions.

I realize this advice may be unconventional, but I strongly recommend that you get divorced and then try dating for at least a year to figure out if you should be together in the long term.

Silvermoon: Thank you for the clarification. I agree with the others who have posted on your thread. You certainly rushed into marriage before knowing this person, but that does not mean you can't rectify that mistake. Again, it is up to you what you wish to do, but her cheating and prostitution are certainly a deal-breaker. There seem to be other problems as well. She needs IC in order to deal with a host of issues. It's a bad bet to stay with her. She needs to quickly do a number of things immediately, including being completely transparent regarding all her electronic devices and beginning counseling with someone versed in handling clients that have suffered child abuse. She should also be treated for her bipolar disorder. IC for you is probably a good idea.

Your marriage is short and there are no children. Your financial entanglements should be minimal. I doubt that you will be on the hook for much, if any, spousal support. But this will change. So, I would bail, but I am not you and I don't know your WW.

Here is my point of view:

- Put aside that she lied and cheated on you prior to your marriage and that she cheated on you after marriage.

- Put aside her tough life prior to meeting you, her mental health problems - and yours as well.

My question is: "Can you spend your life with a woman who was/is a prostitute?"

For me, the answer is no. I have a no prostitute policy. With my personal values, I just cannot reconcile spending my life with someone who sold sex for money.

If you are able to accept a "former prostitute" as your life partner, then you can start to think about the other things.

But maybe that is a non-starter for you, as it would be for me.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:10 PM, Tuesday, November 30th]

Sometimes magnetic attraction happens between two wounded people. It has been that way for me several times. You can work to heal your own wounds and you can help your partner but they have to recognize they are wounded and sincerely want to heal and grow.

Healing together can be an amazing journey and take you to places of growth and understanding that will bring great happiness. Staying with someone who wants to continue without healing or growth is a sad and desperate place. You wait and wait and wait and you may never see the person try or if they do it might be short lived.

Putting aside the infidelity for a moment, do you think she can be open to such a journey with you? I know it's magic when the chemistry is working between you. I know how that is. It's the best feeling in the world. From my experience with several souls, that powerful magnetic, euphoric bliss wanes with time and it does appear but less often. In rocky periods, it's non existent. If the other person attaches to another mentally or physically, they will get a renewed euphoric attraction and you will be starved totally while you watch them shut you out and enjoy their bliss. Then it's torture.

I learned that the best for me was a state of calm trust with periods of great happiness. No great rush but no awful fights or depression. Two people helping each other to be their best and be grateful toward everyone who shines their light is my goal now. It's balanced and healthful and stress free. You can be your best self. You have energy and strength to help others.

I know you love her or you would have gone already. Think about the both of you as two luminous souls here to learn and grow in love and understanding. How can you talk to reach that place. Can you look with compassion at your lives and choices and find a path together?

Most days I hold strong

But at least 2 days a week I just wanna bail or fuck some sugar baby and tell her so she feels the disgust I feel

This has been the worst pain I've ever felt and is not even close

Yes, I make reckless decisions. That doesn't mean I deserve this bullshit

I was loyal. I was loving. I was understanding. I always had her back and even when her exbf told me about this, I believed her (and I also checked the website she was in) - but she opened and close her accounts anytime she went in... so I couldnt find her. Her exbf is a piece of shit and he is in jail, he beat her up... Im guessing she started doing this while with him when he started abusing her...

She is too damaged. I am too damaged. But I AM INCAPABLE OF CAUSING THE PAIN SHE HAS CAUSED. And some days continues to cause.

I just cant trust her much

And I keep feeling she's unreliable in other aspects as well

I feel like I given my all and feel short. I dont know if I have much else to give...

I feel very empty.

[This message edited by silvermoon777 at 6:01 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

What do you know about the "sunk cost fallacy"?

Do a search ... duckduckgo, bing, searx, anyone but google those slimy bastards, but I digress .... and read.

Honestly, if you stay, you are in for more and more heartbreak.

My advice would be to divorce her. She needs serious fixing, and you can't do that for her.

She doesn't need a white knight, she needs intense therapy and it will probably take YEARS for her to potentially recover if she ever does.

Know you will be OK and deserve a partner that you can trust and who is faithful and who is not a liar and deceiver.

Silvermoon,

If she lies about something so huge, then having a normal affair or a one night stand will mean nothing to her.

You might also find all the marital bank accounts drained and her back with her abusive boy friend, when a losers girl friend marries a man who is stable she becomes attractive to the loser again.

She has forced you to have 2nd hand sexual contact with who knows how many johns, I don't see how you can ever overcome that.

What would you say to someone you loved who told you the same story? Be as kind to yourself please get out there is nothing to save.

Yes, I make reckless decisions. That doesn't mean I deserve this bullshit

Nor does it mean you have to chose to remain and flounder in the bullshit.

See my tagline? If you have chosen to remain in misery then there isn’t really anyone here can do to help you.