SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thoughts/experiences anyone?

I was looking at some SI historical posts and blundered into 'ohforanewme' last thread and the reference of his passing noted in General Nov 11/2019.

It seems he is the "poster boy" case for the immense and awful stress and pain of betrayal contribution (my postulation) on the quick onset of his illness as noted theme in the book by Mr. Bessel.

I can relate somewhat to what the stress of learning your spouse has betrayed.

The last TT I received - the full extent of the affair - affected me in an unanticipated way.

Something like "out of body" / brain just stopped thinking / mind blank on what to do next / no emotion / no pain / just "there" but not. Fortunately I didn't lose by sense of balance as I was standing. Took several minutes before brain stated working in that I thought I should move and do something. What? - I had no effing idea - just lost/blank.

I remember, sorta, the look on her face when she realized what she had just inflicted (by words) on me.

I remember ohforanewme having the inner strength to deal rationally with his situation. (Read his JFO thread) - went back and looked to refrech memory and found the "ending" post which led me to think aboout the topic in "The Body Keeps the Score."

So can you relate any health issues to your experience that brought you to SI?

I guess I am pain-shopping a bit - but also wondering if I fit the mold of what it takes to stay with the WW (no longer) and be happy.

Thanks in advance for any replies.

What you are describing sounds like it could have been disassociation. It's a trauma response, and it keeps you from processing what happened. Your brain thinks it's keeping you alive because not feeling the destruction right then will let you escape the danger, or in my case fight like crazy. I pretty much disassociated for 18 months after D-Day. I was only a vegetable some times most of the time I was incandescent with rage, as my husband puts it, and he would know.

Other than that it's hard to say because I have been chronically ill for over a decade. I did pass out once about a month after D-Day. I wasn't eating and barely drinking.

I was so traumatized because I was in danger for my life. At the time I was dependent on him for food, getting to the doctor, insurance, my meds. I could barely walk and I was constantly in physical pain.

Since then my physical pain is much better, I knitt when we have discussions because it keeps me present. I am still very sick but I can cook now. I was just starting to show improvement when my FWH lost his mind, so I can't say if the improvement would be better or worse if he wouldn't have wrecked me emotionally. I was very emotionally healthy for everything I was going through. That's not really the case now.

I read the body keeps the score, and it totally resonates with me.. After DDay 1, and during the time my WW was gaslighting tf out of me regarding her "friend" I developed ulcerative colitis, which is linked to stress.

And after DDay 2 I have had a cancer scare, more colitis trouble than I would care to mention and earlier this year a heart attack.. It was only really after my heart attack that my f**k it switch really kicked in, and she realised this.. She has started to actually work on things now.. Shame it took such a toll on my body to get here..

The stress of infidelity is unbelievable to anyone who hasn't been through it, it permeates all of your life, and yes you will have moments, especially when uncovering the truth, when your body literally shuts down to try to process wtaf you are being told. I know i had a few of those, I would normally just freeze up, then walk away usually to get a shower as soon as i could to try and reset my feelings.

The stress does pass, but you have to reach a point where it stops affecting you. It is unfortunately ALL on you to get to this point, your WS might do all the right things, but it is still up to you to figure out a way to stop being affected by it..

For me I had to reach the point where I truly did not give a fuck, not POLF, but truly not bothered by her A. And I only reached it a few days ago when I realised my health is worth ALOT more than thinking about what my WW did.. I cannot control her, if she wants to cheat again I cannot stop that, but I know i will be ok on my own if she does, she knows there are no more chances, I know my kids will be ok if we divorce. Letting go of that worry took me far far too long.

Thoughts/experiences anyone?

I ended up getting warts on my hands...EIGHTEEN of them before they finally started to disappear . When I read it was caused by HPV I went CRAZY on my H. A weakened immune system contributes to it and I was definitely weak in a lot of areas so I am sure my immune system was weak too .

My teeth suddenly started breaking too . My dentist asked me if I was under stress. He said that if we are stressed we sometimes grind our teeth at night when we are sleeping. My H said that sometimes the grinding would wake him up at night. I had no idea!

The worst by far though was the uncontrollable shaking . It was like an overload switch got turned on or something and my whole body would start shaking. I HATED it because I never knew when it was going to happen...which caused more stress...which would cause my body to shake at some of the most inopportune times.

These were all AFTER Dday...but what led me to look for answers as to WHY my body took over when my mind couldn't function was ON Dday right after my H confessed to his A. I was hugging him at the time...because he was in so much distress and I didn't understand why. When he confessed to having sex with the adultery co-conspirator...I backed away and said, "Whoa...the marriage is over". It was very matter-of-fact...NO emotion whatsoever...which was very much NOT like me . It was like I was watching a movie...and the heroine was BADASS!! Within an hour of his confession we were talking about R...but to this day I am so PROUD of that woman who took over for me .

Through research I have found that it was my limbic system...or lizard brain...that was protecting me from an earlier time in my life when I experienced my 1st H's betrayal. Something else I have found was how a POSITIVE outlook can HELP my body to HEAL .

One of the MOST positive people on here was ohforanewme . What a TREASURE he was to all of us! It was heartbreaking to read that he was gone from this world . However...I have seen some Waywards on here who have had some rather debilitating illnesses as well. Several suicides have been written about...and cancer has taken the lives of other Waywards too...including one of the founding members of this site . Adultery leaves NO ONE unscathed .

BUT...it doesn't have to keep us in its grip!! The GOOD thing about our limbic system is that we can retrain our lizard brain . We can't do it by logic though...it can ONLY be done by experience. For ME...just knowing that I wasn't going to have to STAY in this infidelity HELL was half the battle! Focusing on the POSITIVE...whatever little bit there was at the time...helped me to HEAL so much faster than wallowing in that negative state.

Not sure if this applies.
After I found out about my wife cheating, I lost 80 lbs in a short period of time. I would have excruciating stomach pains, I thought I pulled a muscle. I ended up passing out one night and ended up in the hospital. I had to have my gal bladder removed. Apparently if you loose weight too quickly, this can happen.
A year later I was constantly suffering chest pains. Had a stress test etc, my heart is in top shape. Ends up, it's all the stress caused by her cheating, that's affecting me.
This past Jan 4th, I woke up in a very grumpy mood. When I realized the date it made sense to me, its the first day they started flirting with each other.
One last thing, when I just lay in bed with my wife, I'm fine, but sometimes when she gets close, my body just heats up and I start sweating I never had this reaction, before she cheated.

Something like "out of body" / brain just stopped thinking / mind blank on what to do next / no emotion / no pain / just "there" but not. Fortunately I didn't lose by sense of balance as I was standing. Took several minutes before brain stated working in that I thought I should move and do something. What? - I had no effing idea - just lost/blank.

I actually cheated back in that state of mind hours after finding out about his cheating. It was like I wasn't really there, just watching myself. I didn't come back until I was driving back home and it's a wonder I didn't die in an accident because I just started screaming. Most surreal experience of my life.

I had a really weird benign sinus tumor that grew out of control after DDay that required surgery. My blood pressure went from really low all of my life to regularly high. I can't know that these things were related to infidelity trauma, but at the same time I kinda do know.

WH gifted me with Trichomonas from one of his affairs.

I treated it

Only to be rediagnosed with it after emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy a year later

The surgeon thought the Trichomonas caused damage to my Fallopian tube, which resulted in the ruptured ectopic.

So we both had to go on Flagyl again

Cheaters are monsters

Don’t forget the PTSD

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 5:38 PM, Tuesday, March 1st]

I passed out from malnutrition and dehydration. Broke my nose in two places, got a concussion and during imaging they found a benign brain tumor.

I broke out in Shingles after False R and right after I physically separated it was discovered that my cholesterol and blood pressure were at a serious level. I have since gotten my health in check. Life is a lot more peaceful by myself now.

This does not have anything do you do with cheating. But it’s all about what stress does to you if you stay. I worked in an office where the management was so poor that workers were covered up every day and were totally unable to finish jobs. This was an important government agency and nothing was ever done right. I kept the same job but moved to a different office and it was like going into sunshine. The problem was the damage done to me psychologically, emotionally during the previous employment went after me physically. I am still on medication after years because of it. I get on here all the time asking people to please try to make decisions and move on as quickly as possible because I know the damage that’s being done to their health. Stress is cumulative and once it’s made its damage that never goes away. I think everybody needs to read that book.

When I say move on I don’t necessarily say move out. I just think they can’t live in limbo but for so long because they will pay for it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:40 PM, Tuesday, March 1st]

The uncontrollable shaking was the most distressing symptom for me. It happened all the time for a year after D-day and still happens occasionally. It was so disturbing because I couldn’t stop it, even when I calmed my emotional reactivity. I shook for almost 48 hours straight after I discovered the emails between my husband and his affair partner.

Also, I have ALWAYS had low blood pressure. I am a healthy 45-year-old woman who exercises, eats well, and isn’t overweight, and I come from a family of people with low blood pressure. Mine skyrocketed after the affair, and it took a year to return to a normal range, but it’s still higher than it was.

I feel more normal now, but there’s a latent jittery-ness and foggy, weak feeling that hasn’t entirely gone away.

I was healthy as can be before and fell into autoimmune hell after his betrayal. I’m better with him gone.

I developed anorexia/bulimia at the age of 41 with no prior history of eating disorders and started a regular marijuana habit in order to be minimally functional. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. A friend asked whether I had cancer. I have a history of depression, and it kicked in big time. I stayed in my room for about 8 months.
It was truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I have aged horribly.

I'm in my 40's and have been mistaken for my mother who is in her 70's...

I think the stress has drained years of life from me.

I have several autoimmune diseases and have been much sicker these past few months.

I was also recently diagnosed with cancer.

I lost 62 pounds, I'm still struggling to eat and sleep.
I vomit a lot. Lots of nightmares and panic attacks.

I now have serious cognitive issues. Word poverty. Memory issues. Apparently the first few days I was incoherent and wh found me standing against the wall in my bedroom just staring at nothing. I have no memory of that.

Stress and grief are killers.

These all happened because of infidelity:

After DDay I threw up everything, even water. That lasted for about 3 days. Then I could only keep down coke, coffee, few sweet things. After a few bites I would throw up. I couldn't understand how my exwh could watch me struggling to keep food down from his cheating and each day mess around with his coworker. I dropped over 50lbs. in less than a year. My lowest weight was 107lbs (I'm 5'6"). I threw up for over a year.

Now, anytime I feel like I have made the smallest of mistakes at work or if something happens/breaks at my house I get stomach pains, nauseousness and my digestive system stops for days. I get anxious and I can't stop worrying/fretting. I startle extremely easy now. I get startled at work a lot. It's so bad that I once looked at someone and saw them breathing in when I wasn't expecting it and it startled me. People joke about wearing bells so I hear them. I get startled at least once a week. My coworkers are used to hearing me scream. One guy likes to try to startle me. My kids think it is funny scaring me. I tell them that they are going to kill me with a heart attack. I guess you can say my fight or flight reaction is very strong. I have ptsd.

I suffer from depression now. It's been over 10 years and I'm still on anti-depressants. I feel like I am fractured, and I'm broken. I admit I was a little damaged when I got married but exwh broke me. I have very high cholesterol and I'm pre-diabetic now. I struggle to lower my numbers. I have only been able to lower them some in 5 years.