SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. Thank you again for your continued support and care.

I have been getting much stronger the last 1-2 months. Last week I went to Mallorca with a friend and had a lovely relaxing holiday. It was the first time I felt truly relaxed since my ex left me in January. I was still sad but definitely improving 100%. My friend I was travelling with is a counsellor and we had long chats and I came away feeling really empowered and good about myself, which I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I decided to message my ex (rightly or wrongly I thought)- now I think wrongly! To say that I was so disappointed in the way that he treated me. To draw a line under it. It was a very short message. That it was over. I made that clear. That it was over, I did it for my own closure. We had been in NC for 4 months. But as I had healed somewhat I needed to say what needed to say to him.

He responded today. A very long, long message. He said that he is not happy, that he has been made redundant and got a new job but it’s a ‘nightmare’, complained about his new relationship, problems ‘ups and downs’ and with a baby in the way ‘it’s not helping!’ He said that he hopes they will be happy in the future as things settle down. He told me he misses me, our talks, our walks and our ‘friendship’. He said that he regrets hurting me.

He then said that he would never come back to me ‘even if become available in the future (which I hope I’m not) as he ‘has hurt me too much’ but hopes that he will bump into me one day in the future and that I am happy with someone else. That ‘ that would actually make me happy thinking about it’.

I cannot believe he is complaining to me about his pregnant AP! His message was very long and emotive, taking about our years together, long lockdown walks etc. All personal things to us.

It hit me that he must have sent this when he was with her!!! They must be living together if she is pregnant.

And the comment about ‘if I become available in the future ( which I hope I don’t). I can’t believe it.

In a way I’m glad to have got this message. It truly has been closure for me as it was so manipulative. It made me feel almost ‘icky’. But of course I am still hurt as this isn’t the person I thought I loved and trusted for 4 years. Who I thought loved me. Who I thought was a good person.

I would appreciate your insights as I’m kind of confused and blindsided. I’m ok right now but know that the crash will be coming soon.

Thank you. X

Sorry, I just wanted to add that I can’t put the two people together in my mind, my ex who cared for me and this person. It’s like a Jekyll and Hide. The man I trusted and planned a baby with. I can’t make sense of it. Thank you for listening.

So first, a gentle 2x4, this is why you don't break NC. You won't get the closure you want and it opens the door to this nonsense.

WSs often seem to think that they're entitled to their BS still being a "confidant" and a "friend;" even though I don't treat my friends that way. He is doing this to a) confide in you like he used to when you were together, and b) try to see if you are still pining after him.

Don't respond to him, block him (unless there is a legitimate reason you cannot - such as pending legal issues or child custody).

Go back to NC

PS: I wanted to share, my xWH emailed me 2 years after our divorce to share a pretty devastating medical diagnosis. He was clearly looking for support and comfort. Given he was engaged to someone else at our divorce proceedings, I felt that he had fired me from that post. I didn't respond and blocked his (new) email.

I would appreciate your insights as I’m kind of confused and blindsided. I’m ok right now but know that the crash will be coming soon.

Hmmm. My impression that he is playing victim. Yes the person who up-ended your life is whining about his "poor me" situation.

He misses you. I’m sure he does. I’m sure he believes he is "sorry" and wants the best for you.

But here’s the eye opener. He’s trying to keep you as a "friend" and keep you as his OW. So you think he told the AP/now his GF he communicated with you? He is keeping you a secret.

And that makes you (in some way) his OW.

No contact. Permanently.

I'm sorry. His letter sounds so selfish, so self-focused, so tone deaf that I cannot imagine him being a good partner to anyone for the long term. It's all me, me, me.

Why would he think you want to hear about his life, his difficulties?

Because he doesn't care whether you do or don't want to hear. HE wants to talk about himself. HE wants sympathy and support. HE wants ego kibbles in the form of attention from you. He's fine with making you the OW now. Because he always wants--and thinks he deserves--more from everyone.

Does he miss you?
He misses the support you gave him.

Does he miss your conversations?
He misses when you listened to him.

Does he miss being there for you?
No.

I'm sorry. He's a big, spoiled, weak, self-centered man child.

Never break NC. 'Closure' is you moving forward and thriving in your new and better life, free from a cheater's bullshit. You won't get closure from him; you won't get anything from him but self-centered drivel, as you have seen first hand now.

Looks like karma is treating him well. Couldn't happen to a better guy!

Echoing the reason we recommend NC. And the silver lining is that you are now crystal clear on the value of being away from him.

I’m sorry he said such selfish things. What a jerk.

When you get more emotional distance you will see his me, me, me in all of it. He floated out of his relationship with you, floated into another one, got her pregnant, was made redundant, complains and is still floating. People like this don’t have strong attachments. He will be like this when he is 60.
People who are cheated on want a concrete answer. If they can control what caused it they don’t feel so helpless. There are no answers except the WS wanted to so they did.
You have more to give. Use that with someone who deserves you.

Gently as another poster mentioned, please do not break NC. It only makes you feel worse.

His words are meaningless, he chose to abandon you, whether he is happy or not is none of your concern. He's trying to make himself look like he's not such a bad guy.

Keep moving forward.

It’s really simple. You wrote him a letter telling him how he hurt and disappointed you.

He could’ve just said "I’m sorry." That would’ve been the most decent and also the easiest thing to do.

Instead, he wrote a long manipulative screed about how HE is feeling. He isn’t sad that you’re in pain; he’s sad that your pain makes him feel badly about himself.

This is your closure.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:38 PM, Saturday, October 15th]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and for your support. I really don’t know what I would do with out the wonderful people at SI.

I think I reached out as my mind is still trying to work things out- as we never spoke in person about the break up and cheating. It was all my text/phone. It sometimes feels like it’s not the same person. But IT IS! He is that person.

I agree that he didn’t need to send a long emotive message. Especially saying he missed me, was unhappy and then saying he would never take me back as he has hurt me too much! I literally sent a short message to say that I deserved better than he treated me.

I’m starting to wonder if he has narcissistic tendencies. It’s not normal to send messages like that. Talking about his relationship problems with the AP/current GF. It feels like emotional abuse.

It’s mind games. I agree that a simple ‘sorry’ would have sufficed.

I almost feel sorry for the AP- but I don’t as she knew all about me. So I don’t. I think the karma bus is heading their way! He said that he hopes their relationship will improve when all the stress settles. Plus I know he won’t be able to afford the mortgage on the house we chose together now….karma?

I won’t let this set me back in my healing. I am determined to move forward. He will never be happy, he’s always been depressed and miserable. Never happy, always losing jobs or being made redundant. Maybe there is a reason behind that.

Thank you for listening and for letting me offload. It hurts but I will stay strong and move forward!

Thank you

Breaking NC was a mistake. The best thing you can do for yourself is just to write off the mistake and start NC again, forever.

To heal, it's best to go NC internally, too. My reco is to ask yourself what you're feeling when you start to think about 'working things out' in your head. That thought process is detrimental to you, but recognizing and processing the feeling (probably grief, shame, anger, or fear) is healing.

Wondering about what caused your xbf to cheat can't succeed. You have no way of knowing what was in his head. And 'no speculation without information' is a good guideline. You can't check anything out, because he probably is refusing to look inside and take full responsibility for his cheating. Besides, you can't check anything out without breaking NC.

Stop wasting your energy and time on him - he's out of your life.

Perhaps more important, continuing to break NC internally is a slippery slope that may lead to breaking NC IRL, and that would make you the ow. Please - don't do that to yourself.

Thank you so much for your advice sisoon. I know I need to stop trying to work out why he cheated in my head. I have to find closure another way. Trying to work it out and make sense if it is the hardest part. But you are right, I will never know his reasons.

He said he ‘panicked and didn’t know what to do’. Which means nothing to me.

I feel embarrassed that I kept reaching out to him for answers. I wish I could have been stronger.

But I will be strong now. Breaking NC just makes me feel worse and chips away at my self esteem.

Don't be embarrassed- MANY of us did the exact same thing (me included, probably more than once). Going NC is not easy— but it is helpful.

Thank you so much BB. I really appreciate it. Hopefully I will get to a place very soon where I am healed and don’t care anymore. That’s what I want more than anything right now.

Thank you x

What I learned on SI about NC is that NC equals no new hurts. We will continue to process the old hurts, but no new ones will be encountered.

Also I learned on SI that we will never be able to comprehend how/why they did this, because our minds don’t work Ike theirs. (And that’s a good thing)!

My xh and the OW are people who float in and out of relationships, marriages, etc, over and over. That’s who they really are, not the person they pretended to be to us.

Thank you homewrecked. I really appreciate your support and advice. It’s so true that they are not the person we thought they were.

I feel very embarrassed that I reached out (get again) and I wish I could have been stronger. But it was like my mind was driving me to get answers.

His selfish and self centred message told me everything I needed to know. This time is the last time. No more new hurts. I won’t get answers.

I can’t believe I didn’t see this side of him before the cheating.

Life is about learning from our mistakes. I think a lot of us slipped up a time or two in the beginning.

When you know better, you can do better. Now you know that he is a gigantic waste of mental energy.

I'm 9yrs out and my ex still reaches out periodically. But I'm no long under any illusion that he will grow up and be the man he needs to be for our kiddos. Now I only think of him when he's disturbed my peace :)

You don’t know this person, remember?

He’s a stranger, not the person you married

So put him in the corner where strangers go.

Until you reach indifference, communication with him will hurt

No more hurting. You have hurt enough

No reason to feel embarrassed. Now you know anything you have to say to him goes right over his thick head. You are better off writing those feelings and never sending them.

Also it is very inappropriate for him to discuss his current relationship with you. He is already working on his exit. He will never be happy with anyone.