SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I discovered my husband's affair 7 years ago and we really have been limbo ever since. I haven't let my guard down and really don't really have high hopes of reconciling. It feels like a lot of damage has been done and not a lot of repair has been made. He still lies - just a few months ago I caught him lying about a credit card. If anything, our marriage feels to me more like an arrangement, but when I say this to him it hurts him to hear. He claims he wants a real marriage with me, but it just feels like he wants this without putting in the work, which leave me not wanting to try.

Call it a woman's intuition or PTSD, but it feels like the work hours are getting slightly longer especially when it should be slow. This could very possibly in my head. What is not in my head is a $27 charge for Chinese food where he took 8 hours to go Christmas shopping only returning with 2 things I sent him to get. Something to note is that Chinese food would never be his first choice and after looking at the menu, $27 is the perfect amount of money if 2 people were ordering.

Other thing I noticed is that he groomed down there - something he rarely does. Could have been coincidental because he had the extra time, but I am noticing because I am in hyper aware mode.

In terms of his overall attitude it feels like he wants to make me the bad guy. "You don't care about me because you didn't ask me about how my tooth was feeling" (it had been days I forgot about it and thing it was better). "You want to blame everything on me". "Now that you quit drinking its apparent you don't like me at all anymore" Is this his justification for being sneaky and possibly having a new affair??

I don't know how to confront him. Its not like I didn't think this day would never come again. I just feel stupid for allowing myself to stay in a vulnerable situation knowing what he is capable of. I couldn't leave if I wanted to, but I don't want to stay knowing he is out there sneaking around with someone else, when I am stuck at home with the kids.

Pearly I understand you.

Your gut tells you everything you need to know.

No your instincts are likely right, you are especially sensitive to red flags so if you feel something is up, it might very well be.

Your emotions are stirred, the lies are still there, likely the most important thing for you is to protect your peace.
The "I do not know how to confront him" could be a "I fear that if I confront him I will have the confirmation of my instincts" is this possible?

If yes, then you know the path that awaits, he will feel confident he can deceive you, go in the mud deeper, do more damage.

You feel what is best inside yourself, so follow it. As an external person I would suggest you to confront him. Your senses are sharper than 7 years ago, even if there is denial you will feel it. And you can start to take cover to protect your life.

It is up to you.

About keeping the guard up, unfortunately is useless.
If a partner wants to cheat he will cheat.
Work is not a safe space (on the contrary is where a lot of betrayals happen).

My wife did it, I know for a fact that if I ever wanted to do it, that would be the easiest place to cheat. No way for the spouse to prevent it, the only thing stopping that is a partner who is faithful.
So those excuses of him about long hours will not hold.

At this time I hope you will find the answer to what you feel you need the most.

I couldn't leave if I wanted to, but I don't want to stay knowing he is out there sneaking around with someone else, when I am stuck at home with the kids.

You can't control what he does. You only have control over yourself. If he's cheating on you again, there's absolutely nothing that you can do to stop him from screwing around behind your back if that's what he intends to do.

So rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, I think you should get your ducks in a row and do whatever you would need to do to be in the best possible position after a divorce, whether or not it comes to that.

And as I always say to anyone who says that leaving isn't an option, your spouse might not feel that way.

It seems you have both emotionally detached.

He’s just continuing to be a liar (verified) and cheater (unverified but I don’t think you are wrong).

Get a plan. Get out. This sounds like a bad place to stay long term.

There are certainly enough red flags here to have your Spidey Sense tingling. Trust your instincts. Generally speaking, our institution is rarely wrong.

Any chance you can hire a private investigator without him knowing? Can you access his phone or car's GPS?

There are lots of videos on the internet that can help you learn to interrogate people. I think you might be surprised by just how enlightening, and useful, they can be.

You say that you cannot leave. Why would you have to be the one to leave? Of course you can't force him out. However, a threat of exposure might motivate him.

I'd suggest consulting a lawyer, even if only to educate yourself on your rights. Knowledge is always useful.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in limbo and possibly another d-day.