SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been on here for a long time, but I have this new numbness and doneness that’s come over me years later.

tbh with myself the betrayal was always an underlying current, a red flag I ignored in favor of the feelings that came from the love bombing because, dang that feels so good.

We are a decade post most major affair and 5 years post the 2nd major affair and while I do believe the infidelity had stopped, now I’m in a state of "I went through all of that trauma for this?"

Sex has dwindled to a quarterly event. Kisses and deep hugs are rare, I’ve stopped asking for my needs in these regards to be met over and over, so it just all stopped.

I had a breakdown, clinical burnout, that had me unemployed by choice for 6 months. I returned to work one year ago, to a supportive job. The whole time I was careening toward burnout, I couldn’t help but realize, I was susceptible to the toxic work environment because my self esteem is absolutely trashed.

I ran myself ragged making sure his environment was as good as it could be, became severely codependent, and in reality, he barely asked me to stay.

I asked for what I needed, I was clear. I wanted a new proposal, I wanted a recommitment with new vows. I asked for less mental load (with specific examples), and I absolutely begged to feel wanted.

I hit perimenopause, I was diagnosed with ADHD, I’m just so tired and for what? This? I don’t like this, this isn’t the life I want and I’ll be damned if this bare minimum relationship was worth the trauma.

I’m just frozen, I almost want him to cheat now to make the decision easy.

Wife I hear you.

You don’t need him to cheat to make a decision, your emotional state is already telling something really important about how you truly feel.

You don’t feel coming across as healed from the trauma and as a woman who regained her agency and put herself first, I have the impression you have been containing the pain for long, because it is a state that resemble what I know so well.

The fact you are posting in divorce and not in general suggests to me your feelings are looking for an outlet away from the pain.

Is your WS not initiating physical intimacy, did I get that right?

I feel that you have already identified all the red flags 🚩
And now you need to be heard.

Anytime sister, do not keep it in.

You have been heard

Confused, I think one of the toughest parts of making the call to divorce is that bit of guilt about "giving up" on R, especially if things are kinda, sorta, good enough on the surface of things.

It sounds like you have given R your all, and he hasn't reciprocated. There's no expiration date on deciding to divorce. Sometimes it takes 5 or 10 years, and that's okay. You're 41. That's probably less than half your life. You know what the future is going to look like if you stay frozen. What might it be if you take the plunge?

@BackfromtheStorm, he doesn’t initiate and it isn’t the lack of sex, it is the intimacy, the hugs, the deep kisses, the dances, the looks, feeling desired vs. feeling like a middle aged creature. It is feeling like I deserve it that I miss.

I’ve talked, I’ve given specific examples, I’ve led by example, I’m so tired. Each time I’ve brought up the discussion it improves, just enough for me to stop talking about it, and as soon as Intrust it, poof. A finished effort each time with me expressing how grateful Inam for the crumbs.

The issue I have that keeps me frozen is that he truly doesn’t seem to understand, he’s level 1 autistic so it really just doesn’t appear to compute. But, I can’t be clearer and I’ve read everything out there on hownto communicate. It is slowly killing me. BUT, if you ask me, I will say it is fine.

I look back through my memories and see a lot of me gaslighting myself.

@BackfromtheStorm, he doesn’t initiate and it isn’t the lack of sex, it is the intimacy, the hugs, the deep kisses, the dances, the looks, feeling desired vs. feeling like a middle aged creature. It is feeling like I deserve it that I miss.

I’ve talked, I’ve given specific examples, I’ve led by example, I’m so tired. Each time I’ve brought up the discussion it improves, just enough for me to stop talking about it, and as soon as I trust it, poof. A dimished effort each time with me expressing how grateful I am for the crumbs.

The issue I have that keeps me frozen is that he truly doesn’t seem to understand, he’s level 1 autistic so it really just doesn’t appear to compute. But, I can’t be clearer and I’ve read everything out there on hownto communicate. It is slowly killing me. BUT, if you ask me, I will say it is fine.

I look back through my memories and see a lot of me gaslighting myself.