SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 days ago my spouse said he had to go for some lab tests. When he came home, he admitted the tests had been for STD. I asked him why the urologist required that type of test since neither of us had ever been with another person.

I was so wrong. He told me he had been frequenting strip clubs and it had escalated to actual physical sex, multiple times, multiple years. Unprotected, for the excitement.

He has endangered himself, and me. I am at an even higher risk due to medical issues and medications that suppress my immune system. He offered to leave, knowing he was entirely in the wrong. Also knowing his grown children would likely have nothing more to do with him.

I don't know how I can trust him in the future, but I do want to save our marriage and relationship. We will be married 40 years soon. At the same time, I know just like the guy who beats his wife and promises to never do it again, this is an addiction and we both need help.

At this moment, he has refused to even look for a marriage counselor. It is very difficult to find competent mental health in the area. We have family and friends who have struggled with finding help, and have not found it.

I have no one I can talk to this about. Certainly not my children. We live in a very rural area where everybody knows everybody. I can't trust talking to a friend for fear of something slipping out to the wrong person. I so need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but the shoulder I depended on is the one that betrayed me.

If this had been an aldultrous affair,I could at least make him write a letter of never meeting up again, except the isn't just one OW.

I go through each day trying to pretend everything is fine in front of the kids. My son and his growing family of very young children live with us.

I think I just need to hear someone with a similar story and how they moved forward. signed,devastatednlostnlonel

devastatednlostnlonely,

I'm sorry you're going through this.
You're in a safe space here, we've all gone through various shades of this. Many have gone through a situation similar to yours.

You don't need marriage counseling (yet). You both need individual counselors, and you should look for one who specializes in betrayal trauma. There are plenty online, and I can confirm that it is very helpful.

You don't need to make any decisions right away. If you need some space, make him leave. Space can be very helpful to let your mind rest.

There is a lot of great information here about what not to do after finding out. I encourage you to look around. You did nothing wrong and you are not the reason he cheated. Do not blame yourself.

Hi sister,

It doesn’t really matter if it’s one woman or many women he betrayed you with, not at least for what concerns reconciliation and healing (it does expose you to greater disgust and health risks though).

What I mean is that the reconciliation is only possible with a changed person, and the change doesn’t come from "performative" actions, but from inner will only.

There are things a wayward does to change? Absolutely.

But the biggest thing is from where those actions originate.

From his remorse, then this means a likelihood of him changing.

From his shame… that’s not good, is a performance to preserve his ego and reputation and manage your suffering, instead of healing his and helping you to heal your trauma and wounds.

Is a big difference.

Apparently he is not even in this lane though, from what you write he seems avoidant, running away from any confrontation or accountability. Of course leaves you in charge of the decision, so he will be always able to rewrite his narrative as him being the victim, not the abuser willing and capable to inflict sexual and emotional abuse on his wife.

Because that’s his true reflection in the mirror, and he can’t stand it.

This premise is not reconciliation material. Nobody deserves a second chance after this, that’s a gift nobody is entitled to, and an unremorseful cheater will just spit on it, manipulating your bleeding attachment into becoming a "pick me dance", which never works.

Breathe deeply. Rest. Try to eat and sleep.
I know what you’re going through and I know you can make it. Regain your center, your peace, your self respect and love.

You must put yourself first and understand that you are the prize.
Set your boundaries accordingly.

It will help you to reframe it all in a more positive perspective for your healing.

Wow , I am sorry to hear what you’re going through. That is so hurtful. The thing is , he has to be willing to fix himself for any relationship to be saved. This is not something you can just let go and move on and sweep under the rug. It has to be dealt with - I agree that you both need individual therapy and that you need to set some boundaries with him about communication / location moving forward. He needs to cut off any friends that he might be going to these disgusting places with, etc. what those boundaries are depend on you - but don’t let him get away with you agreeing to keep working on the relationship without him having any consequence / change in lifestyle.
Remember to eat, sleep , and drink water. You are experiencing a deep trauma and it’s going to take time for you to feel regulated again. Focus on taking care of yourself - you don’t have to make any decisions right away. You have a community here- although none of us wanted to be a part of this group , I feel very supported when I post here.