"Truly, you have dizzying intellect." 
I have to admit that you do make a very interesting point regarding a WS's sense of entitlement to both the affair (whatever it meant to him/her) and reconciliation. And I won't deny that, at times, I honestly do feel that my wife feels entitled to reconciliation, or, at the very least, a shot at it (and she knows there's no guarantee that I can, or will, give it my best shot).
There are lots of types of entitlement, of course. Legal entitlements--such as the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness--is normal and healthy (at least in the civilized world). There are financial entitlements (income from good work, investments, annuities, trust funds, wills, gov't aid, SS, etc.,) which are certainly debatable (and always debated). And then, of course, there are all those unhealthy entitlements which are the result of poor parenting or privileged status, etc.
"I am entitled to my own happiness," is one of my favorite unhealthy entitlements. I would imagine that this, in particular, is what you've taken such great umbrage over, and I agree with you whole-heartedly. Happiness is the reward of living an honest and authentic life (the premise of everything Socrates believed in).
The thing is, though, I don't believe this is why cheaters cheat (or at least most of them). Even if my wife believed that she really was/is entitled to her own happiness rather than the pursuit of it, separation or divorce would have been a logical and respectable course of action to rectify an unhappy marriage. She didn't make that choice, however, which leads me to believe that has another issues, not this unhealthy sense of entitlement, which lead to her to cheat (and I will explain, as well as I can, what I think that issue is, if you're interested).
Now, I do take great umbrage at your expressed belief that "the first person a wayward betrays is himself" is some form of "mental gymnastics." It's not. I've given this a great deal of thought and consideration and so have many, many people much smarter and far more learned than this humble (and perhaps still slightly unhinged) man. And this, perhaps, may be why your wife actually did stop before intercourse (and the relevance of that is completely yours to discern!)
Have you given much consideration to the possibility that she did, in fact, return to her senses, stopped the infidelity, and confess all to you? Do you think she still has shred of integrity left?
Regarding "help, love and support."
I can't fix my wife. That is beyond my powers (although it would be really cool to have such powers, wouldn't it?). I can help, but it's just that: help. I can support her in her efforts to fix herself, but she has to come to me for that support and I have to be willing to give her that support. And, of course, there's no getting around the fact that I do, in deed, love my wife.
Did her actions break my heart? Yes! And not just the ONS! She started lying about (minimizing) her ONS/Fling immediately. She lied about knowing the OM's last name or where he worked to protect her own ass from the consequences of her actions, fearing that I might do something crazy, such as harm the OM. She blamed me and our marriage (truly believed it) for months. She brought up every possible argument that she could think of to stop me from informing the OM's wife (once I found out who he is on my own). All of that hurt even worse than the infidelity itself.
Am I healing from all this? Yes! Is it a slow, hard process, and one that I would probably have to do even if I chose divorce, which, btw, was also my first impulse? Yes.
You stated in your first post that people are incapable of truly changing their persona. I do not believe that to be a valid axiom. People can and do change. We are capable of great introspection, rational thought, and scrupulously logical deliberation. I know this to be a fact (and if you'd like, I will offer you plenty of examples).
Brother, I feel your pain and I have experienced the same rage you feel. Indeed, my own rage shocked this hell out of me!
I've made the assumption that you came to SI seeking support and guidance. There's nothing at all wrong with it, I don't judge it, because I've been there, done that, and I think it's great that you've sought us out!
I came to SI to learn if and how people can reconcile a marriage after infidelity simply because
my extreme reaction told me that there was something I must feel is worth fighting for. -psychmom
This is why I am still here.
By now, I'm sure that you've noticed that I am rather passionate about giving reconciliation the best effort I can give it, regardless of whether or not it's even possible, unreasonable, foolish, "mental gymnastics," or just plain old fashioned delusion.
Your initial post really hooked me, man! Your wife wants to reconcile and you've dismissed it as impossible. And yet... I can't help but suspect that behind your incredibly well thought out diatribe against reconciliation lies enough doubt that you're not completely convinced. Maybe that's me projecting, hoping, that another lost, crushed, broken-hearted and rage-filled man like me can't completely let go without giving my wife (MY WIFE!) the chance to make this right, or at least give it her best shot. I believe she can, but I don't know.
One last thought for the now, is a quote from Abraham Lincoln.
“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:22 AM, October 19th (Monday)]
