SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Excellent post by Timetoact. He is 100% correct

that she had all sorts of stupid rationalizations that she knew were stupid even at the time.

I think I would ask exactly what were those rationalizations?

I think I would ask exactly what were those rationalizations?

Mostly: that lots of people cheat, so it's not a big deal. Less often: that she knew it was temporary (because it was on a business trip) and that once she had already started, it didn't really matter if she continued. Or that she was "trying out" a wild alternative path in life, just to make sure that she knew what she wanted.

They're infuriating, but I don't want to emphasize them too much. She never actually presented them as justifications. She admitted from her confession onward that these are all basically bullshit.

You're are not doing yourself or her any favors by staying. It appears that this self-destruction is your default position unless you are convinced otherwise.

If only I had been given this reality check and cautionary advice as you have! This hits too close to home for me. I'm out. Good luck with your one wild and precious life. It's yours to spend or waste as you see fit.

She says that, now that she has snapped out of it, she's horrified by what she did too. "I don't recognize myself in the mirror" kind of stuff. It really was so, so contrary to the image that she presented for her whole life up to this point.

Like 5454real asked---What is she DOING?!!

I believe that this may have been totally out of character for her, but the fact remains that she DID do this to you (and herself), and can do this again and again in the future without working on her boundaries and coping mechanisms.

The best she can offer is that she was "confused", that she avoided thinking about it, that it felt good, that she had all sorts of stupid rationalizations that she knew were stupid even at the time. She knows those answers aren't satisfying. But there aren't any better ones.

Those aren't answers. They are excuses. If you and/or she accepts that there aren't any better reasons, then history will repeat itself.

5454real stated it well...

Oh, it's NOT inexplicable. Pop into the Wayward section for a bit. All over there, there are Waywards looking inside themselves to discover the why's of their choices. It is a deeply personal and painful journey, often taking years.

Your GF needs to find her own "Why?" There are answers to why it felt good, why she didn't think about it and why she allowed herself to rationalize it. And there are more "Why?" questions to ask to the answers to those questions. And even more Why's? to ask after that. It really is a deeply personal and painful journey, but one that is absolutely necessary if she is to ever to be a safe partner to anyone.

The way the Why? process typically seems to work goes something like this...

Why? I thought you wouldn't commit to me (blame)

Why? I thought he would commit (still blame)

Why? I don't know. I was confused. (excuse)

Why? It felt good. I was selfish. (excuse, but progress)

Why? I felt desired and sensed commitment. (getting somewhere)

Why? I'm afraid of being abandoned (almost there)

Why? Growing up, I experienced _____ and it made me feel scared of being alone and without someone to provide for and protect me. I've been carrying that inside for a long time. (bingo!)

Until you see her taking this journey (of her own volition, for her own healing), she isn't reconciliation material. Until she completes it, can't begin the process to change herself into a safe partner.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 8:43 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Mostly: that lots of people cheat, so it's not a big deal. Less often: that she knew it was temporary (because it was on a business trip) and that once she had already started, it didn't really matter if she continued. Or that she was "trying out" a wild alternative path in life, just to make sure that she knew what she wanted.

They're infuriating, but I don't want to emphasize them too much. She never actually presented them as justifications. She admitted from her confession onward that these are all basically bullshit.

I am in a hotel on business and it is late and I am tired but I almost fell out of the chair when I read this.

The fact that this bull shit even went through her mind is mind boggling

(1) cheating is not a big deal. Really, do you agree with that one???

(2) well, she will go on more business trips. Guess some lucky guy is going to have some fun since it is only temporary. And since it was so much fun, let's do it every night after I tell my HUSBAND ( which if you become I think you need to have a brain scan)

(3) and to top it all off, maybe sometime after we are married I might feel "wild" again since cheating is no big deal.

For her to even utter those words is beyond belief, especially since she is not claiming she loved this guy or was emotionally involved with him.

So apparently you are about to get married to a woman who has a sexually transmitted disease, who thinks cheating is no big deal until she gets home and caught, who figures why not enjoy it and make the most of it since I already did it, and who may have some wild oats do to sow.

You are going to need bottles of Xanax when she goes on her future business trips.

Everytime I read something on here I think is crazy it gets more crazy. Good luck my friend. I am sure this forum will see you again if you make the unfortunate decision to marry this woman.

She got herpes. From a guy who said all the right things to her. So, let him have her.

Only reason I tried saving my relationship with my wife is that we do have kids, but she lied and screwed me over many times. My pain and suffering has been going on for 6 months. If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't have to look at her anymore.

So yeah, RUN AWAY!

She didn't just get ANY STD, she got one that doesn't go away with a few pills or a shot. And look, she got it within 2 weeks of getting her vag pounded by this guy. So if you were to marry her, have sex with her over the course of whatever months or years you are with her - YOU WILL get herpes.

And when she cheats again or you finally leave her, your dating pool gets much much smaller.

I dated a woman for a while and didn't have sex yet, she told me she had herpes. I thought about it for about a week,did some research and didn't date her again.

[This message edited by SuperNBD at 8:49 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

Please read these forums and they tell you future.

This is not a dump her post. You had your own doubts before.

Why don't you move on for a while and make sure this relationship is what you want.

Before I was cheated on I probably would have said, you can work it out. Now that my heart has been ripped out of my chest, ripped into tiny pieces, and thrown in my face, I say that you are young, start over fresh with somebody new, who you can trust.

toopol - so, you're getting a lot of people telling you to jump ship. And you're getting love bombed by her. You finally convinced yourself to propose to her and she comes back with herpes.

quite a mess.

you know, you don't have to make a decision now. you can take as long as you want.

I keep harping on finding out more information. Do you know it all? Have you thought of visiting the hotel the AP is at with her? Just check out the kind of guy she fell for? That would certainly make it real for the both of you.

Has she contacted him? Has she asked him how he could give her an STD? What's up with that? I would think she'd be pretty upset about that. You should be upset too. I mean, what if he had given her HIV? You know, people can be prosecuted for that kind of stuff. At least he should be confronted.

the problem with her excuses to you are they essentially boil down to "i don't know. I was confused." that kind of answer doesn't require any work or consequences on her part.

Also... her answers really come down to "i did it because I wanted to." Does she realize this? Are you ok with that? I mean, what if she "wants to" again? After you already have herpes yourself? what if she does it again and she says, "i don't know. i was confused." How are you going to feel then?

I don't know what's been going on between you and her. But if it's just a bunch of love bombs on her part, that's not enough. She should really be on rock bottom. She should feel like a total piece of shit....., for months. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that she just wants to say, "I made a horrible mistake. It will never happen again." And then you two live happily ever after. If that's the case, then her remorse is way to shallow. She has HERPES for life now. this is a huge thing. She CHEATED on you when she knew you were going to propose. This is a HUGE thing. are you good with that?

if you just rugsweep this, I can absolutely guarantee that you will live to regret your decision.

i wish you the best.

Most people don't cheat. If your ok with being cheated on then you should stay with her. I really is upsetting to see anyone saying cheating is not that big of a deal. Be thankful you don't have children involved in this. Imagine her cheating and coming home and finding our your son has a new dad and you are no longer welcome. You need to wake up and quit making excuses for her.

C

lots of people cheat, so it's not a big deal

That is a huge red flag. With an attitude like that, I would be surprised if this is not her first time cheating.

Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering every time she goes out of town, every time she goes out on a girls night out?

I am in R, but trust me, if we didn't have kids, things would be different.

[This message edited by french123 at 12:40 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)]

Affair lasted 2 weeks?

Most likely they did it every night, sometimes twice a night (this guy probably felt like he had won the lottery, and you know guys, once it's on a plate we're taking it!)

So a conservative estimate around 10-14 times they did it? In between those sessions you talked to her, she listened, yet jumped back in the sack with him and did it again... and..

She doesn't know why she did it (all those times)

What about the simple answer? She wanted to. Because she enjoyed it?

Because it only take one second to say stop, no, I don't want to do this, I have someone at home who wants to marry me.. instead the day before she left they probably had a goodbye session.

It's ok to be all sweet, caring and horrified now, she's had her fun and got away with it!

Good luck man. The saying is you were warned fair and square, keep her as a girlfriend or FWB, but nothing more.

exactly! what Tren said.

did you get the gory details? Did she give him a goodbye fuck? does she have his phone number?

Personally, I'm not sure I could live with that.

You haven't told us this, but you seem really nonchalant about things.

How and when did she and you learn she had herpes.?

Is it possible to have symtoms after 2 weeks of exposure?

If so. Did she not know he was in the middle of an outbreak.?

That alone would scare me straight. I'm so scared of getting an STD I'm celibate. And you should be too.

Are you having sex with her? Please say no.

Took me 6 months to come out of my own fog. So take your time and go with your gut. But in the meantime love yourself more. You did nothing to cause this. You will get through it. With or without her. You will come out a lot stronger and wiser.

It sucks. Don't we know it.

Toopol most people don't cheat. You know that pain that you are feeling right now. That was caused by the woman that you were planning to spend the rest of your life with. She thinks that pain that is crippling you right now and has left you feeling like an empty shell is ok because most people do it.

It is not ok for anyone to ever make you feel this way. You deserve so much better than this. Take a step back and heal a little then if you want to recommit to your WGF you can there is no shame in that but you could also choose to not and that is ok too. There is no time limit on this.

If you think that "lots of people cheat, so it's not a big deal" - and you are NOT that upset about it.

Then you are NOT that much in love with her. It seems like you were doing it because you have to, not because you really love her. How old are you?

No, when you get cheated on - your heart wants to burst out of your chest, your guts hurts for weeks. You want to throw up or you actually do throw up. Your brain is pounding, your world is destroyed. I'm 6 months into this hell, and its only just now letting up.

If its not big deal, then fine - marry that skank and its no big deal when your penis is hurting and you got sores on it. And when you decide you had enough of that - you better tell future women you date "I have herpes".

Hey, look at it this way. Its likely that when you were on the phone, talking to her about proposing? He might have been banging her at the same time, maybe the backup door even.

And not much of a proposal if you're going to talk about it on the phone, not romantic.

You need to work on YOU. Run away from this woman, continue your own therapy.

[This message edited by SuperNBD at 3:32 AM, April 29th (Friday)]

Ok, I've been meaning to write a reply to you for awhile since your story resonated with me.

Sure, a lot of people out there cheat. But that does not make it a small deal. The hurt you're feeling. The hurt you felt when you found out. Was that a small hurt? Mistakes are as serious as the consequences they cause.

That being said, mistakes can be rectified. However, consequences to the mistake must be felt by the one who made the mistake.

My ex said the majority of what your GF is telling you. He was experimenting with gay sex, that's one reason why he did it. He said he was never going to do it again because it would remind him of the pain it has caused.

It didn't take him long to go back to getting boned by guys.

Take a break from her. If you guys are truly meant to be, you will find a way to get back together. Then you guys can individually work on yourselves and if/when you guys get back together, the relationship will be better.

I think you are going to be in this limbo hell until you take a break from your gf. Give it at least a month of no contact while you figure things out. You can take a break from SI too if you want to make it clear in you mind.

You are not going to be able to think clearly with your gf love bombing you and a Couples counselor saying that you can work it out...and you've basically gotten around 140 post saying run from many, many different perspectives. I doubt anyone on SI is going to say..."Get married to her" or that your GF is going to say "I have doubts about US" so you are going to continue in limbo.

If you're girlfriend hadn't gotten herpes Id say to continue to date her but take marriage off the table for a couple of years. Since she has herpes and you don't you are basically saying that if you take her back you plan to be with her forever. With the herpes you are putting yourself in a all or nothing situation...Also I see the herpes as a HUGE trigger that will be happening for the rest of your lives.

During the break I'd do a lot of research on herps.

I'd get out of couples counseling and into IC. Ask gf to do the same.

Experience what life would be without her not dateing but daily life.

See how you do without any contact with her... are you triggering because you think she is cheating?

Good luck