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Sorry this thread is getting so long, but I wanted to answer hopeful mothers question.

Is she ok with it. Thats a big no. She is also not ok with any separation at all. She and the girls are all working on me trying to get me to stay, or have her join me down south. It then becomes a matter of choice. I have given her the option of divorce or formal separation as a condition of me dating and she doesn't want that either . So I guess this is the lesser of the evils.

I will be honest in any dating situation I go. If I were divorced tomorrow I would tell who ever I went out with that I am a long long way from getting back into a relationship. In fact right now never being in one looks pretty good. I am smart enough to know that could change, but it would be a long time.

Could it hurt a reconciliation. Probably (edited to take out thoughtless remark. Bad day)

I do appreciate your question though. I am happy you have gotten through this. No easy answers.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 10:47 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

You say you want to find joy again. What is this? Do you mean anything other than external validation from a new woman will give you joy?

Joy comes from inside. It doesn't come from external validation. Period.

You say you want to find joy again. What is this? Do you mean anything other than external validation from a new woman will give you joy?

Joy comes from inside. It doesn't come from external validation. Period.

Exactly.

Waitedwaytoolong will finally do, what he supposed to do 5 years ago .... And enjoyment will come from that action, as simple as that... Period.

you can date casually as long as you are 100% honest.

IMO it is not about a formal relation, not even sex, it is about female atention. Ego boost.

This is just to get perspective because, as other said, you will not find outside what you must find inside.

Good luck

I think is that he wants to talk to somebody that doesn't know him, doesn't know about his WW's affair or anything close to it in a dating manner.

I don't think it's really an ego boost but rather he wants to see if there are really other fish in the sea.

You were betrayed by your wife, but it seems she has done everything possible over the last 5 years to reconcile. You certainly have/had no obligation to do so.

You do have an obligation to be honest, even if she wasn't during the A. From your posts, you are not being honest with her, and, perhaps yourself. It's pretty clear you have, and probably never had, any intention of trying to work on your marriage. Instead, you have led her on, allowing to think that there was hope, knowing all the time that you had no intention of reconciliation. I suppose as a means of punishing her. I doubt that you will find "joy" when this punishment is completed, but maybe I am wrong.

I suppose that you think you will feel "joy" when the punishment is concluded. I doubt that you will.

Your wife doesn’t seem to have a core. By that I mean that she goes with the flow. When she’s with a good crowd like your family she’s good. When she with a bad crowd like the OM she has no problem at all going along with it.

Every so often you hear of a young girl driving off with a guy on a multistate crime spree like Bonnie and Clyde. I can see someone like your wife doing that. The problem is that she got caught and will do anything not to go to jail.

In your wife’s case jail is growing old without you around being nice to her. Everything you point out as a positive about her is her doing anything to avoid jail.

She just doesn’t get it on a gut level. Her being surprised that you canceled the cruise and keeping the headboard prove that. It’s all about her and what she’s going to do.

If I were hired as a defense attorney by your wife I would have nothing to work with. She was his public wh@re in your house with people working for you doing her dream project. The OM is the most disrespectful OM I have ever read about or could imagine and she went along with him. If I had to list disrespectful things that you could do to a husband I would be hard pressed to add to his list.

You were the horrible position. Your pride having a titanic struggle with itself. Every fiber in your being wanted to go nuclear but couldn’t because of your no one could know.

Did you fire the OM on the spot or did you keep him and his crew and pay them to keep things quiet? It would have been nice to fire him and make him sue you. But you couldn't go into why you fired him.

Ironically I think that you’re now prepared to divorce is that your daughters now know. No matter what you couldn’t let anyone know that your wife screwed the contractor. You would suffer anything to not let that out. Now that someone knows and the world didn’t end the scales have tilted towards divorce.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 2:38 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

I think some of the last post was a little harsh. the part about being his public wh$re. Although, he certainly paraded her out for his buddies to see that she would do whatever he wanted... and she did not disappoint.

but I certainly agree with this

The OM is the most disrespectful OM I have ever read about or could imagine and she went along with him. If I had to list disrespectful things that you could do to a husband I would be hard pressed to add to his list.

And your wife went along with it. Even the part about him saying she belonged to him.

I feel badly for her. It seems like she really regrets it and has remorse. But I can see why you're having trouble getting over it. If you don't mind me asking, what does she say for herself? does she realize how bad it is? is she ashamed? And what happened to the OM? I don't think I could rest unless I made him feel some consequences.

in any event, sometimes the best you can do is walk away. I'm sorry about that. maybe you can get over it? It was only three weeks. You have that much going for you. I think the real question is, do you still love her? If you do, I think you owe it to yourself to try a little longer.. Whatever you decide

Good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 3:56 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

Veub:

Instead, you have led her on, allowing to think that there was hope, knowing all the time that you had no intention of reconciliation. I suppose as a means of punishing her. I doubt that you will find "joy" when this punishment is completed, but maybe I am wrong.but it seems she has done everything possible over the last 5 years to reconcile.

I don't see any of that here. What I do not see is a wayward doing everything possible. She was still lying to him and herself. There is no way she could have been healing and changing if she was still withholding several major TT. I also do not think he was punishing her. He was trying to give it a go. Trying to heal. How could he if she was withholding so much and still being selfish? For 5 years they were in limbo and false R because she was still lying about her affair.

waitedwaytoolong: Thank-you for answering my questions. It seems you have really thought this through. I hope this next step gives you your peace and you do find joy when you begin to heal without the constant irritation. I don't know if you are looking for outside validation. I think you are just looking for some companionship and friendship on a healthy level. I hope you find it. Personally I think you can love someone, but it doesn't mean it is healthy to be with that someone.

Mike7: Just curious. Do you think a person can be remorseful and still be as selfish as she was to withhold so much information for so long in order to protect what she wanted or to protect her image? IMO she with held the information to keep her husband and because she felt ashamed of what she did in their bed and in the work environment. I just don't think that is remorseful. Regretful, yes. I think a truly remorseful spouse lets go of the outcome. Tells the truth and becomes vulnerable enough to let go of their image. Especially if it means that the betrayed spouse can heal more.

I will be honest in any dating situation I go. If I were divorced tomorrow I would tell who ever I went out with that I am a long long way from getting back into a relationship. In fact right now never being in one looks pretty good. I am smart enough to know that could change, but it would be a long time.

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's what you need. Five years in purgatory is a long time. I wouldn't worry too much about your marriage your WW ended it anyway.

I think you need the separation to get some closure and clear your head.

You've been in a bad situation long enough. Get out of it for awhile.

You'll know soon enough if your WW is worth keeping.

Good luck

@waitedwaytoolong I can not tell you what do do, no one can really. I will say this 5 years ago you hesitated and did not do what you needed to do to get a sense of justice and peace for yourself. You have been in your own personal hell for five years because of that. DON'T make that same mistake twice.

You have already lost five years of your life to this stuff. Do what YOU need to do to finally deal with this and heal. If that means dating then do it. If it means sitting alone on the beach reading a book do that. I do understand how you are having a real problem swallowing the shit sandwich she has served you - what she did with the OM was disgusting and HIGHLY disrespectful.

I DON'T think you have been dishonest with her or lead her on all you did was struggle for five years. Don't ever beat yourself up for what happened the last five years. Your wife caused this and not you. She saw you struggling, suffering and pulling away she had to be blind not to. But what did she do? Did she get IC? Work on herself night and day?

Your goal needs to be peace and happiness for yourself either with or without your wife. Good luck with whichever path you choose. Just don't allow people to guilt you into doing anything you don't want to by anyone. Good luck!

I was prepared to let this die, but I do take offense with some of the posts since my last one. She is far from a whore. She is fundamentally a good person who made a terrible terrible choice. This was a six week period with about 3 of those sexual. Granted the 3 weeks were heinous and hurt me to my core, but she raised two great daughters with me and for that I am eternally gratefull.

As for the last TT on the bed, I knew it. She was just terrified to admit it. At this point it doesn't factor into what I am doing what she admitted to was bad enough and after a short amount of time I knew basically everything but this 100%.

Now to the poster who accused me of being disingenuous. I stayed for fucking years with a nightmare playing in my head almost every day. Was my heart totally into it? Probably not. I was there so long trying to get my heart into so I could move past this. She begged me to stay and I did. What did I do wrong? She is still pleading now and it does affect me. I'm sure everyone here sees I am conflicted on this but I refuse to be painted as the bad guy from anyone here.

Most of the posts were really thoughtful and though I don't agree with everything helps in giving me perspective.

I am lucky that I will be going to a property I already own so if in two days I wake up in a cold sweat thinking WTF did I do, I get on a plane and come home or she does and joins me

One more note she wants to sell the house. It really is two big for 2 and way too big for 1. The memories are terrible for both of us. And before anyone jumps down her throat, she wanted to sell it 5 years ago, but I was too stubborn to have that event make me leave

I know. Probably another mistake to add to my list.

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 5:19 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

I agree that some comments were harsh and uncalled for. Especially since your WW is reading here. Mrs.waitedwaytoolong is still your wife and how dare anyone call her those kind of names.

You know, waited, there isn't a handbook that is handed to us on d-day. We stumble along the best we can, we try to do what we feel is the right thing. No one needs to be blamed for making missteps in trying to get out of infidelity. I didn't find SI until 8 months post d-day. According to SI wisdom, we did some things right, some things not so good.

Don't worry about the thread getting long. We have had some epically long threads and that is just fine.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:38 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

I was a little out of my mind, so I skipped over mikes questions. She knows how bad what she did was. We were on the home stretch. Our daughters were out of the house, we had a great trip scheduled to celebrate a milestone anniversary, and I had plans to retire. So much going for us. She is a mess as she knows what that stupid affair cost us.

She is totally ashamed even more so now that our daughters know.

I made her go to the GC and fire him. I had a short conversation with him and told him I better never see his ass again and never to contact us or I would blow his life up. I actually saw his truck parked a few streets over from ours on a new job and told him he better resign that and his truck was never there again. And no, I know in my gut she has never seen him again except the last day he picked up his tools

To hopeful mother your posts are terrific, but you are wrong. I know what is going on and this is not regret, though she has that. This is remourse.

I hope you don't mind a reply from a WW.

I was one whose husband divorced immediately (we are now remarried). While I was devastated at the time that he chose to divorce, I deserved it and did not blame him one bit. Was I envious that other BHs here on SI were willing to reconcile? Absolutely. Did that mean I felt entitled to my husband's grace in reconciling? Absolutely NOT---not then, and not two years later when he changed his mind.

I am sorry for your wife, because I know how much it hurts. But you are right in choosing whatever path YOU NEED to heal.

You do what you think you need to do. You were put I'd a no win situation. Yep, You could've/should've handled it better but that's in the past.

I'm glad you're doing something. It's way better that staying in purgatory. No one can fault you got what you need for your future.

I wish you well. Good luck man

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:49 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

Darkness falls and Grace Ann I appreciate your courage to post. I don't have all the answers, maybe none, so another perspective is helpful

I agree. Darkness and Grace Ann gave good posts.

Waited - here's the deal. To thine ownself be true. You need to figure out what you want.

Can a wayward decide to leave? Yes. Can your wife? Yes. Can a betrayed? Yes. Can you? Yes.

I think sometimes people get hung up on who did wrong and who did right and who gets punished. but there really is no justice. For two people to stay together they both need to want to. that's it. Nothing else.

I would never recommend trying to reconcile with a wayward that wasn't remorseful. But you seem to think that your wife is. You know better than anyone. We're just speculating based on what you've posted. We don't know the whole story because we weren't there.

But even though she wants you, you need to want her too. You may not. there have been people who have reconciled from much worse than your situation, where the wayward has had many affairs or one that has lasted years. there have been people who have reconciled when their wayward had an OC and thought they loved their AP. Conversely, there have been people who have divorced because the wayward had an online emotional affair. And there have been waywards that have run off with their APs and been presumably happy for thirty or more years. Yes. It does happen.

There is no shame if you decide you love her and want to stay married. It takes a lot of courage to do that. There is no shame in deciding you've had it and want to move on. What this means is that you have to decide what you want. If you don't want her anymore, whether it's fair or not doesn't matter. You decide. You have a choice. She has a choice.

i will say this, being in limbo isn't fun. Five years of indecision and misery isn't my idea of fun. I think you need to make a decision. soon.. and then stick by it. or at least a plan.

good luck friend. and good luck to your wife as well.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:13 PM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

^^^

Most excellent post by Mike7.

However you don't necessarily need to make decision soon, though. Do what you need to do, on your own timeframe. I will reiterate what I've said before is that you could do with IC, especially if you decide to stay. It will help you process what's not going to go away on its own.