SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, ESD.

Thank you for checking in. Many members here are concerned and want to support you in any way possible.

One day at a time.

Look at your precious children each and every day and remind yourself that they NEED a dad in their lives.

Continued prayers for you.

(((EmptyShellDad)))

So glad you checked in and are still with us. One minute at a time. Reach out as often as you need to. See your doctor. Call the hotline every single day if you have to. You matter. You are important.

esDad,

Yesterday, while driving, a song played on the radio and this part caused me to think of you:

"...one of a kind there's no one like us any where..."

You are an original, there are no other copies. And you aren't ever going to be replicated. Your pain acts like both a mask and a shield. So right now it may not be possible for you to view yourself through your children's eyes. To them you are one of a kind, no one like you anywhere.

Trust in their unconditional love that you have great value and worth.

Another night of no sleep, these unanswered questions and details are killing me.... My thirst for vodka is insatiable. I've never drank before in my life. But now, it numbs the pain, and I'm wanting that every day, and especially every night.

To answer some inquiries, I have solid proof, of multiple affairs in the last several months. She claims none physical, but so far many claims that she swears she's telling me the truth, swears it on everything.... Then I find proof of it being all lies.... The last time, I went to my buddy's farm, (about 13 miles away), I grabbed a loaded long barrel revolver from the gun safe, and went out to my rv I have parked there. I lined the bedroom with plastic sheeting.

I laid down on the bed and put the gun in my mouth. I read the replies here and laid there for a long while. I just needed oblivion. I longed for it, I long for it still.

I have made out my last will and testament. I've called all of my close friends and family, Told them I have turned over a new leaf and wanted to tell them about how much they've meant to me.

No one really knows this side of me. They think I'm happy and funny, and strong. I was.... I was all of those things. But that man is already dead.... Its just my body doesn't know it yet.

The only problem is that the farm is now in planting mode so its got people working it 24/7 so I can't go there for another two weeks or so without arousing suspicion. The waiting makes me feel even more powerless.

The reply about no amount of think of your kids will help etc is pretty accurate. I will try this planning it out meticulously to see if that gets me through.... But I've got everything in place now, I just need to free my family from my darkness, its a burden I must carry alone and I will do what I must to protect them from it.... It would poison and consume them, as it is done me.

It would poison and consume them

No it won't Emptyshelldad. You KILLING YOURSELF will poison and consume them.

This is the dark disease of depression speaking to you. It is very attractive and it SEEMS so logical and real, but it is LYING to you.

I was depressed and suicidal for some years (including plans and a missed attempt), so I'm not speaking through Pollyanna rose-colored glasses. Your brain works differently when you are depressed. Right now, your brain is not working properly. You cannot make such a big decision when your brain doesn't work.

Emptyshelldad, I am saying this from a place of loving support as well as my own experience - you need to see a psychiatrist immediately. If you had a broken leg, you would take care of it. This is the same thing - your brain chemistry is not working properly, and you need to take care of it.

I don't want you to die, and I don't even know you. What do you think your children would feel?

Please get help. Keep calling the suicide hotline. Get MEDICAL HELP immediately. If you cannot see a psychiatrist then see a GP and tell them everything you have said here, including making your plan and practicing. If you are thinking like this, go to a hospital and try to get help there.

The only thing wrong with how you are feeling is NOT GETTING HELP FOR IT.

Keep checking in, I am looking for your updates every day. Every day, ok? If you don't post, I will worry about you.

Let us know what kind of help you are getting. If it's not working out, maybe we can come up with some other ideas that will help you weather this storm.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

ESD, please just think about this: "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" .. is this what you want your legacy to your children to be?

There are several scenarios that you know that we don’t. The first is that maybe you got hooked into an extremely manipulative person and she does a very good job of driving people crazy. If you give yourself some time so that you can get distance from her you might actually see just how much she did manipulate you. The second scenario is that she enjoys her power over you and the strongest power she will ever have is to have you kill yourself over her. So this means that you give yourself time and some therapy to find out which scenario best fit you and your circumstances. You do have time. Don’t let yourself dwell on what you feel about this woman. Instead think ahead to the freedom you will have once you get past grieving. The third scenario is just that maybe you hit a brick wall and need some medical help. Sometimes people need to ask for a doctor to intervene. There is no shame in that. Don’t leave people behind that cannot get over what you do.

Empty, "I just need to free my family from my darkness, it's a burden I must carry alone and I will do what I must to protect them from it".

Listen killing yourself is NOT protecting them it will only make it WORSE for your kids.

STOP carrying this alone.

It's been pointed out numerous times to you that you are not thinking clearly right now, which is certainly understandable given your discovery of your wife.

If there was a rattle snake in your home EVERYTHING in your life would be put on hold until the snake was removed from your home. You're in a bad place mentally and you need to get someone to help you navigate yourself out of this dark place you are currently in.

You yourself have said that you were in a dark place previously and thus you know first hand that you can get out of it again.

I know you said there's no counsellors in your area, but help is just a phone call away that is if you pick up the phone.

What do you have to lose?

Stop talking to your wife as you obviously aren't going to find the peace you're looking for in these discussions. Your focus should be ALL ABOUT YOU and taking the steps to find help that will get you thinking clearly and then how to move forward.

Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

Empty please quit carrying this alone.

If you kill yourself those beautiful kids of yours will be without you for the rest of their lives. They are the ones who will suffer the rest of their life. Is that what you really want?

My sister in law killed herself and all five of her kids continue to be devastated by this. Two of them were young like yours and now that they're older there's so much pain and anger and questions that will haunt them the rest of their life.

Pick up the phone and if you have to go somewhere else to get the help you need please PLEASE DO IT!!!

You are worth it Empty and more importantly your kids are worth it.

ESD. I don't know you, but your story breaks my heart. As others have stated, please continue to check in daily.

Do you have any friends to confide in? Do you have a pastor or any clergy to talk to? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, seek help!

ESD, please seek medical help.

You WILL feel better!

We know the darkness infidelity brings, but why would you allow the actions of ONE person of billions on this planet dictate your future? There are so many wonderful caring women out there, you just happened to pick a bad one.

Seriously, do you want your children to be raised by God knows who your wife will bring into their lives? If she has had multiple affairs, most of these guys are probably sc*m bags, think about how your children will be affected by one of these snakes.

You need to get your sh*t together. Seek medical help. Find a pastor. Call the suicide hotline, anything to move you from the darkness into the light.

Put the alcohol down, it's only clouding your judgement. Please.

My uncle committed suicide in his home, his wife was there, his daughters rushed there, it was an awful scene, and they carry this burden decades later....what could they have done to prevent their dad from leaving them way TOO SOON. You don't want your children have to bear the weight of feeling for their ENTIRE lives that their dad didn't love them enough to do the courageous thing and seek help.

Please, please if you can PM some of the members here who can help you navigate through this.

You WILL be ok.

Tell your wife what you’re thinking and tell your doctor. Don’t suffer in silence. Your kids will not be ok with you killing yourself. Ever. I’ve talked to people who lost a parent to suicide and they weren’t ok, even decades later. Your pain is huge, so let others help. Some of my kids have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation and are now feeling so much better than those dark days. I would have been devastated if they had killed themselves. There really are better times ahead for you if you just hang on and reach out for help.

I will do what I must to protect them from it.

Then:

1. Follow annb's advice and walk into any church, the first church you drive by, and see a pastor.

2. Drive to the closest hospital and go into the emergency room and tell them you have planned your own death.

3. Call the Hotline. They will find you help.

Suicide destroys the lives of those who remain living. You have no idea of the lifelong suffering your suicide will create. Your suicide will be like a stone thrown in a calm pond. The resultant waves will radiate outward touching everyone and everything it the path.

Dad's provide, protect and are present in their children's lives. Your solution to your pain does none of those things.

Please make a commitment to us that you will drive to a church and see a pastor, or drive to an ER. You said you would do anything to protect your children.

I will say it againgrow up You are a father, be a man and be responsible. Don't take the easy way out, Don't pity your self, get help. Find a woman that love you and get old.

Hi ESD, I am going to be cruel to be kind here, but as someone who has worked with suicidal people for many years, I like to think I know what I am talking about.

I am sure that you do feel suicidal at times, you are not the first and won't be the last to feel this way after such a devastating betrayal. Probably most of us here have, myself included.

But listen to me, you clearly have the state of mind and strength to be planning your death, from lining walls with plastic to not raising suspicion and waiting two weeks. If you have the resources to do that, then you have the resources to redirect that energy and focus.

Next time you feel like ending your life, get up and do something constructive, fight those feelings. You say there is limited internet signal where you are, so get in your car and drive somewhere with a better signal and post here. Or go hug your kids and tell them how much you love them.

You are allowing yourself to indulge in self pity, a common mistake and one which will drag you down if you allow it to.

try to stop thinking of yourself and think of those poor kids who will discover that their father chose to leave them at what was already a devastating time for them. I know you feel you can't cope, I understand that, we all do here, but hope and healing are not just going to land in your lap. You can manage tiny steps and that is all you need to do right now, but you have to make some effort to help yourself.

People here have given you so much good advice but as the saying goes 'you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink' force yourself to pick up the phone and contact a pastor or friend. Make an appointment with your Dr and get some medication to help you through this difficult time. ONLY you can do that!

if you can wait two weeks in order to avoid raising suspicion, then you can use that time to at least try to help yourself. The fact you are posting here and discussing your intentions, tells me that somewhere deep down you would like help.

People can only help you when you are prepared to help yourself. You owe it to yourself, your children and your family to try now. Your ex is obviously a liar and a cheat, she is not worthy of you, is she really worth your life?

No one is expecting you to make huge progress at this time, what we are asking is that you try to help yourself a little so in turn the wonderful people here can help you more.

Nothing wrong with having a beer or drink, I do too most nights as it helps me to sleep. But it is about moderation, limit yourself to one at bedtime to help you relax and be firm with yourself. If you drink too much it makes everything seem so much worse when you sober up. Nothing worse than a hangover when you already feel like shit! it also lowers your inhibitions and ability to think rationally.

When I first posted on SI, I was a pain in the arse, my head was all over the place with shock, I too contemplated ending it all. But I realised that people were holding out their hands to me, offering unconditional support and advice, willing me on. It saved me in so many ways, so much so that even 4 weeks on, I am able to post and help others when I can.

You will make it through this, believe that and one day you will come on here and read a post from someone who is right where you are now. Your experience will be their lifeline, you will be in a great place to be able to advise from having been there, that in itself is a priceless gift.

A good place to start would be to go give your gun to someone else for safekeeping, take that step NOW!

Next, post on here and let people help you. Make that Dr appointment. Do one positive thing each day, they will start to add up.

Actively fight the morbid thoughts and when they do enter your head, get up and do something, start fighting back. You are at rock bottom, it doesnt get any worse now, so there is only one way to go, well two, but you and I both know that the second option is not really where you want to be deep down. You are lost, broken and destroyed, I get that, but she has taken enough from you now. don't you feel even a little angry? That anger will be your greatest ally in time, embrace it.

Now, decide which one positive thing you can do today and do it, even taking a shower is an achievement in these early days. DO IT!

You can do this, I know you can and you know you can. I look forward to hearing from you with some positive news, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Stop wallowing and start by putting one foot in front of the other.

No more talk of guns and lining walls with plastic, Thats drama you dont need to indulge in. Get the hell up and help yourself! help us to help you!

Losing a parent to suicide makes children more likely to die by suicide themselves and increases their risk of developing a range of major psychiatric disorders, according to a study led by Johns Hopkins Children’s Center that is believed to be the largest one to date on the subject.

“Losing a parent to suicide at an early age emerges as a catalyst for suicide and psychiatric disorders,” says lead investigator Holly C. Wilcox, Ph.D., a psychiatric epidemiologist at Hopkins Children’s.

have you talked to her about your plan?

Has she written a timeline?

keep thinking about the your young kids.

Hi, ESD, have been thinking about you and praying you continue to take one baby step at a time to move forward.

Please let us know how you are doing! So many of us here want to help.

Sending prayers and hugs.

hey Emptyshelldad - how are you doing today? Have you made an appointment to see a doctor yet?

The thing about depression is that it is a MEDICAL CONDITION that is HIGHLY TREATABLE. If you had a broken leg, you would go to the doctor/hospital to get it set then let it heal. You wouldn't think of yourself as weak for this.

It's very similar with depression. You are very ill from a medical condition. Your brain chemistry has gone haywire. This is the time to take care of that by getting the medical attention that you need. Preferably both medication and talk therapy with a licensed professional.

What if one of your children came to you saying that they were having these feelings - that there was nothing for them in life, that the family and friends and the rest of the world would be better off without them? Would you agree with that? I don't think so. I think that you would do everything in your power, move heaven and earth to get them whatever kind of help they need. Now apply that same standard to YOU.

You are loved. You are worth it. Give not only yourself the gift of seeking help, but give it to your precious children.

Let us know how we can help you. And please continue to keep us posted.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Stop tripping on your lip empty. We all get it that it hurts and you feel like no one else in the world could possibly feel the way you do. We all know exactly how you feel and also know what you can do to get yourself out of the hell you're in. Listen to the replies that you've received already. We care for you man but you have to put your big boy pants on, find your balls, pull your boots on by the straps and get up.

You are the victim of terrible circumstances as are all of us. Getting a knife in the back from the one that is supposed to love us the most is probably one of the most painful life events if not the most painful that one would have to endure.

There is one additional thing that is even more painful that you will inflict upon your children and that is if you take your life. Don't be an asshole man. Don't do that to your kids. Your life is far too precious to waste on a cheating whore. Don't teach your kids this behavior. Teach your kids what a man does when he's down and that's to confront the situation head on.

There will come a time and a day that you will look back on all of this and realize the warrior that you are and always have been. It takes a hell of a man or a hell of a woman to deal with this sort of thing and I have no doubt that it's lurking inside you. You're going to be ok and I'm giving you this 2x4 with all the love I have for another brother down on his luck. Keep posting and start making a plan of action. No more sitting around wading in spilled milk.