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still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 3:57 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
I know it's hard for JFO folks to believe that a foggy, unremorseful, gaslighting WS is so unlikely to straighten up and fly right.
But it seems to me that someone in the midst of a passionate affair (and aren't they all "passionate"?) is exactly in the same altered state of reality as someone with a crack cocaine habit.** The ecstatic moments of "stolen bliss" (I know, I know: sick-making lunacy) are such a great escape from regular life, with all its mundane elements: bills, dishes, oil changes, visits to in-laws, crying kids, crazy neighbors, bad boss, etc., etc., etc.
But time and time again I've read horrible stories of a WS going along to therapy (couples and/or individual), going on special getaway trips with the spouse, seemingly ON BOARD and committed to the marriage/relationship, only to have the BS find out that the contact with the AP never stopped, that the affair has continued on the sly … So this 20/20 Hindsight list is brilliant. And really … if your WS really wants to reconcile, he/she will do everything they can to make that happen.
** Maybe there should be 30-day rehab centers to help people break their "affair" habit!
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
LearningToRun ( member #31353) posted at 7:48 PM on Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
Bump, some of my favorite advice.
Me: BS 49
Him: WH 54
OW - HS GF, reconnect on FB - They are now M
M- 23 years
DD Sept 2010 - he was lying about meeting and deleting all his texts
D-12/13/2010 - 60 days after i called uncle
hard_yards ( member #23549) posted at 6:18 PM on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014
I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...
norabird ( member #42092) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
undonelife ( member #38421) posted at 6:46 PM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
Me: BS 59 Him: WH 57
M: 34 years
DDay 1 1986 EA Confessed,Rugswept
DDay 2 11/25/2012 EA/PA Caught
TT 9/9/13 Lies,Pictures
OW:20 yrs younger M-CwOW
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:32 AM on Saturday, March 15th, 2014
Bumping to first page ...
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
JaneDeaux ( member #42630) posted at 2:02 PM on Saturday, March 15th, 2014
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 11:17 PM on Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
Hello, new to SI folks …
Good advice here.
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 1:34 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014
staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 1:55 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014
Katherine - Fantastic! This is basically what I did, although your list is clearly written and I wish I had seen it right after DDAy. I could tell my WH was not being fully honest with me, and still lying to protect OW #1. To me that was the deal breaker, so I filed. I have never regretted filing. Yes it's been heartbreaking, humiliating at times, and scary. But I know I deserve better and I'm moving on to a better life. Good luck to you, thanks for a great post!
kodiak14 ( new member #43235) posted at 4:32 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014
This is just what I needed. I'm new here and have been trying to figure out how to handle a WS that is deep in the fog. I have an appointment with an attorney next Tuesday.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:33 AM on Friday, June 13th, 2014
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 1:21 AM on Friday, June 13th, 2014
Great advice...mine was remorseful and scared the moment I found out...that helped but I busted him in a lie 4 months later...his IC raked him over the coals!
This infidelity crap is not for sissy's that is for sure!
thanks again...even 19 months out!
me-BS him-WS
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."
yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, June 19th, 2014
"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 7:37 PM on Sunday, June 22nd, 2014
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
MakingMyFuture ( member #43530) posted at 10:21 AM on Monday, June 23rd, 2014
Wish I'd seen this list a year and a half ago! Any chance of getting a slightly expanded version into the Healing Library so it doesn't have to keep getting bumped?
When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou
BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15
Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 3:07 AM on Saturday, July 5th, 2014
Another bump containing valuable lessons.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 4:27 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
blindsided81 ( member #44206) posted at 12:56 PM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
Thanks for bumping this.
It is hard to read, but I am finding it to be absolutely correct on all counts.
Thank you for posting it.
Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!
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