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katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 12:03 AM on Saturday, May 2nd, 2015
Bumping. 
yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, May 20th, 2015
"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, June 8th, 2015
bump
Such good, level-headed advice born of experience.
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 4:19 AM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2015
Lynn19 ( member #47931) posted at 4:51 AM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2015
AMEN, I think the fog is a self serving big dose of cotton candy myself.
I let him back in for awhile, big mistake, gave it all I could.
I raged after every trigger and TT lie.
I told him you hurt me, but set me free when you left. YOU DESTROYED ME YOU CAME HOME.
Me F 52
Him WS twice now
Married 35 years
2 times ( that I can count) 3 I forgot about his 1 night stand. Trying R :(
Jpapageorge ( member #31800) posted at 10:21 AM on Saturday, July 4th, 2015
"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 4:23 AM on Thursday, July 30th, 2015
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, August 14th, 2015
"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll
yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 2:40 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015
"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll
eyesrnowopen ( member #39055) posted at 1:12 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2015
This is what I am doing now but only after 2 y false R. Newbie' s don't be afraid. Get tough and make yourself better from day 1.
2013 DD. 2 yrs false R
TT - 3 OW admits to flirting since 2004 8/2015 Divorcing after 20 yr M
DS 16, DDs 18 & 30
Learning to be resilient
UneasyFeelings ( member #42292) posted at 9:50 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2015
Should have followed and blew their brains then.
ColdWaffles ( new member #49021) posted at 10:14 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2015
Great advice. 16 months out here. Gratefully mine went straight to OW apartment, I have not seen him since, except court.
What I thought was a curse turned out to be a blessing. I do believe some can recover after time has passed, in fact at BD, especially in an active affair, the WS is better to leave the home, until both have opportunity to de fog and recover some.
No "standing" or waiting around for remorse or recovery, but true attempts to move on (for your and the kids sake.)
Nothing makes you more attractive to YOURSELF first, WS -- and, hopefully future partner, family and friends.
Yes, I wish I had a truthful, remorseful and immediately a truly 100% "over the affair" partner. I think that is a unicorn. 
Most take time to realistically defog..
Getting off the midlife crazy train. First stop..divorceland.
CW:49 LBS
stbx MCW: 49 MLC dirtbag
DD:19
DD:22
Abandoned us all. Has attacked us (via his attorney) for over a year.
contaminated95 ( new member #49558) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2015
found & read this post thanks to a recommendation from another post (sorry I didn't write down the username to thank)...
katherine41 posted this valuable info that any of us can read & re-read over & again (along with the 180)... as often as necessary to help come to grips w/the whirlwind we've been thrown into by someone who is not the person we thought they were. We are in shock & need to take in all of the info we can... & people who have been there are ALWAYS the best at trying to help others in similar situations... thank you katherine41... & to the user who recommended your post!!
another recommendation was to read 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair'... & I can't find that article ~ can anybody point me in that direction? Thought it may help me determine & communicate my minimum standards... the only ones I'm sure of at this point (D-day +9) is total transparency, total honesty & NO secrecy from this day forward. But I also have a need to know the truth of our 32 yrs together ~ asap!! I feel it's all been a big fat lie... & of course, I can't & don't believe his words now.....
soeffdup ( new member #49595) posted at 9:29 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2015
I am new here too, but just saw your post and remembered that someone recommended the same book to me. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf"
Me (BS) 46
Him (WS) 47
3 kids
Married 21 years
DDay 9/8/15
realgood2u ( member #20940) posted at 12:47 AM on Sunday, October 11th, 2015
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60
loneliestman ( member #49753) posted at 10:03 AM on Sunday, October 11th, 2015
katherine41, I've just seen your original post - thank you for sharing it.
I'm going through a similar situation in that I do not believe my WW is truly remorseful. I think she is compartmentalising. She's in a "neutral" geographic place now (in that she's not with her "other", not in the family home, but with her sister) and suddenly becoming more communicative. Right now she's lining up a return, but with so many things unresolved, I'm reiterating to her "this isn't working". (and that's the truth, it isn't!).
I ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.
This is my problem too. I still have feelings for her, and very much want a successful R. However, I remind myself of how miserable I was when she was living in the family home as a cold, withdrawn person. I feel better right now living without THAT version of her.
realgood2u, thanks for the bumping of this thread!
LearningToRun ( member #31353) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, November 4th, 2015
A good thread like this shouldn't be lost.
Me: BS 49
Him: WH 54
OW - HS GF, reconnect on FB - They are now M
M- 23 years
DD Sept 2010 - he was lying about meeting and deleting all his texts
D-12/13/2010 - 60 days after i called uncle
Yooper ( member #49913) posted at 4:07 AM on Thursday, November 5th, 2015
Excellent post. Thanks for sharing.
Me: BS (58)
Him: (57)
Married 24.5 years. Divorced.
Jpapageorge ( member #31800) posted at 10:06 AM on Saturday, November 7th, 2015
"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF
minusone ( member #50175) posted at 11:56 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2015
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou
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