SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

…like I said in a previous post, you are an amazing individual. If you can see humor at a time like this, my hat goes off to you…..again.

On a separate note, I think the race issue is a minor issue here, when compared to the other matters that need to be addressed.

….continued strength to you, as you do your best to sort this all out and try and heal along the way. Let's not forget about how important YOU are in this equation.

strangeasfiction: You are in a situation where at least one adult (and maybe more) is going to be badly hurt AND it is very likely that at least one child (and maybe more) are going to be hurt.

There is no way out of this.

It seems to me that about the worst thing you could do is stay with your wife. As others have already said you would then always have a third adult in the picture. And your wife would be able to enjoy the OM's company whenever they wanted and there would be little you could do about it except maybe watch.

For the next 20 or so years.

Are you prepared to spend your life that way? You didn't do anything to deserve it.

To my mind the two best solutions are adoption, which to give her her due would probably be very hard on your wife. This is HER child after all.

But you at least would not have the OM in your life.

The other solution would be for you to divorce your wife. In that way you could do your best to ensure that your kids are raised properly. In fact, if you play your cards right you might even end up as the custodial adult with primary rights over your kids.

Also, you wife would be free to join the OM in raising their child. It would suit her needs and protect the OM's interest in his child. Yes, it would mean that your kids would spend time with them, but at least they'd be spending time with a normal family and not a threesome which is what you have if you stay with your wife.

Last, divorce is the only option here where YOU have some control and some say. In all the others you have no control and no say.

And I'd urge you to move quickly. The sooner this marriage is over the sooner your kids can get to live in some sort of regular basis.

[This message edited by sidney2718 at 1:40 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Thanks, Sidney. Your voice is clear.

There is no way out of this.

This is so hard to accept. I can't bear it. It just all hurts so much.

To my mind the two best solutions are adoption, which to give her her due would probably be very hard on your wife.

My brother and his wife have been trying for years to get pregnant and have had no success despite modern technology. It kills me that people who desperately want to conceive a child in love can't do it while I (and the fetus) are in this crazy position. Not fair to anyone.

And I'd urge you to move quickly.

Shame on me, I just can't do much of anything right now. I feel paralyzed and sick.

Shame on me, I just can't do much of anything right now. I feel paralyzed and sick

There's no shame in that. You're in an impossible situation, and the rug's been yanked out from under your feet. It's hard to tell which direction is safe to move in, so our used-to-be-prey instincts kick in and tell us not to move at all.

I think everyone is giving you so little credit. Even your wife, having made a horrific choice, I'm sure deserves more credit than this. Obviously, being the man you are, you must not have married a complete idiot.

So many are focusing on the negative aspects of this situation. How your children are going to think you are the biggest weenie God ever created, how they will wish you had left their mother. Has anyone actually looked at this in a different way, that perhaps your children will admire the hell out of you, and even your wife, for making this all work? I have an adopted daughter (from birth) and if you ask her when she found out she was adopted she will say she doesn't know, because she has always just known. I incorporated it in to everyday life in subtle ways so that she always knew the truth. This child is so well adjusted about her adoption because she was not lied to. I never felt I had the option to lie to her because it was her life. On the other side of the coin, my brother was also adopted and he didn't know the full truth (adopted from family members) and when he was 'kindly' told when he was 9 years old he went off the deep end and never recovered.

I know you can pull this off - I know it. People are saying so casually to "adopt this fucklet out," "let the bio-dad raise her," "take your kids and leave her with her mother," etc. What about the kid?? Every child deserves to be with their natural parents and not thrown away because the circumstances are not going to fit into the norm.

I will say the only way this could be done and pulled off though is if your wife comes out of her fog and realizes she does love you and does want your family together. If she gets to that point, I think you all have a great chance of making this all work.

That also includes the OM if he so desires to be involved in the child's life. The three of you would have to put aside any past feelings and move forward. Some on here think how horrible it would be to have that man someday sit at your table as family - for the child I think this would be ideal. But, this can only happen if the three of you come to some hard decisions about future behavior and actually stick to it.

Just my 2 cents and I know mine is not a popular opinion. But I have never much given a damn what others think of me. For me, children trump everything else and always will.

Ironically, I was thinking the best decision for the new baby would be adoption into a family without the history and emotional baggage of his/her conception.

Maybe even potentially considering your brother and his wife as adoptive parents.

You've been given a lot of great advice but at the end of the day the decision and resulting consequence of your life is yours.

In all of your posts, my biggest concern for you personally is your wife is considering, CONSIDERING, staying with you because it's the most stable options. That does not bode well for her frame of mind, or for your marriage.

She should be begging for a second chance, willing to anything to keep her family together. Just try to keep in mind that you do not pull her weight in the marriage. Take care of yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry about your situation. I wish you peace and strength.

Has anyone actually looked at this in a different way, that perhaps your children will admire the hell out of you, and even your wife, for making this all work?

This^^^looks good in print but is not tendable or realistic.

...How your children are going to think you are the biggest weenie God ever created, how they will wish you had left their mother.

This^^^is the truth. No way around that. Are you ready for that?

SAF, you and your kids do not live on an island. In the real world, you kids will put through hell growing up with this 'fucklet' in their home. And having the OM at the dinner table...

You and your kids had were not asked if it was okay for your wife, their mom to fuck and outsider and then bring said 'fucklet' into their lives.

Its an invasion of their happy home, the enemy is delivering a mortal blow and your WW is colluding with them. They will never forgive her. Trust me.

But they will trust and respect you pushing back the bullshit and providing them with a healthy homelife. One based in truth, showing them what having a moral backbone looks like.

Comparing this situation to adoption is an apples and oranges analogy.

Please have a look at 25YOP profile. This infidelity shit never ends. It ripples out and affects all family members in very damaging ways.

If your WW will not have an abortion or go for adoption, let her selfish ass go. Why should your life and the lives of your children be in constant agony because of her very poor choices. Distance yourself, protect the mental health of your kids while you have the chance.

Yes people make mistakes, even grave mistakes. That does not mean your family has to live with this injury up close and personal. Shield the kids from this dysfunctional situation. Let her stew by herself.

For me, children trump everything else and always will.

And for the kids sake, let this delusional tramp of a wife and her illegitimate spawn go.

And for the kids sake, let this delusional tramp of a wife and her illegitimate spawn go.

Perhaps I need to back away from this thread but I can't understand the name-calling toward the wife. I don't happen to think every single WS is evil. There are ones I wouldn't give two cents for but not all. Many turn their lives around and go on to live a faithful life. I have no idea why this WS did what she did but it doesn't sound like she has been this way before, somewhat out of character. People make horrible choices in life but that doesn't mean they have to continue to make them. We learn, we grow. If Strange is willing to stay with his wife, then I trust he knows why.

Again, I disagree also about this child's existence within this home becoming the nightmare you think it will. My God - the things that some people have to live with in their lives on an everyday basis - this is nothing compared to that. It can be done, and done well, and I stand by that.

And for the kids sake, let this delusional tramp of a wife and her illegitimate spawn go.

She's damaged. She did a horrible thing. She's not a tramp. End of this.

But they will trust and respect you pushing back the bullshit and providing them with a healthy homelife. One based in truth, showing them what having a moral backbone looks like.

Let me just pursue this to its logical conclusion. If there is infidelity within a marriage and the kids find out about it, then the ONLY course of action MUST be divorce. There must be no reconciliation under any circumstances - for the children's sake. No exceptions. Otherwise, one parent will always be the cheater and the other the wimp who took the cheater back.

I'm not saying that attempting to reconcile is the right path in all cases or even in my own case. It just seems that the logic of your position isn't tenable.

I am completely with cissi on this one. It kind of disgusts me that people are encouraging another human being to have an abortion (and I am adamantly pro-choice). Same with adoption.

Growing up there were lots of families made up of different colors. I remember a black kid in my class had a black brother and a (very) white mother. I was mildly curious about it and someone told me the brothers were adopted. AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!! Oh wait, no it didn't. I do remember being in awe of that woman for adopting two boys (one with down syndrome). And I was in middle school.

Kids are strong, but I don't think they would react too well if you break it them on their 18th birthday that "SURPRISE! You had a half sister but we gave her up and don't know where she is now so you'll never meet her" or "SUPRISE! Mommy had an abortion!" And since this whole website is about honesty and authenticity, you can't lie to your kids for the rest of their lives about something so huge.

Look SAF, I am personally a little disgusted with some of the comments on this thread. I think you have your head on straight when it comes to this child. As for your WW? I think having her served with divorce papers may offer her some clarity. Single mom with 3 kids, who have 2 different fathers? Yeah, rainbows and unicorns don't exist in that world.

(To be clear, my comments were not political or religious. I don't condemn or judge anyone who's had an abortion and am firmly pro-choice).

Hey Cissi. I only disagree with you on one point. You should not back away from this thread. It may not be the popular point of view but it's what Strange needs. He needs everything he's getting here.

See how long this thread is already. This is an incredibly emotional hot topic and he needs everything he can get.

My personal view is he cannot make any decisions one way or the other about the unborn child. He will know what works best for them as they move forward. I don't feel they can move forward with that type of decisions because WW does not understand the impact of what she has done.

No name calling here. IMHO, any WS has committed emotional assault of some sort. Hers just happens to be of the HIGHEST level because all of what is involved here. Judging by what Strange has written, she doesn't see that. Whenever kids are involved the assault level is upgraded to assault level on the ENTIRE family. Doesn't matter how old the kids are and whether they know about it or not. Their lives are changed forever no matter what. Right now their lives are changed because their parent's are a mess. Even if they don't see it, their home environment is forever changed.

Strange, when you have that civil conversation with her, let her know exactly that. There are three levels of remorse that needs to be had before Strange can move forward with any decision. Remorse for what she did to him, and remorse for what she did to the kids, and remorse for the family a a whole. All three of those need to be had...and of course depending on her, Strange may or may not see those things. But based on whether he starts to see those or not see those, they can start to decide what to do with the child.

There are many points in this thread strange. And I can see multiple sides to all of them. But you have to start to prepare yourself for the bad point's too. You don't know what's going to happen yet.

With all the ideas and points here Strange, what are you thinking at this point? How do YOU feel?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 4:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

SAF - What a horrendous situation.

Your wife has made a horrendous mistake and now you are the one on SI battling out the pros and cons of whether to accept this child as your own? What are HER thoughts on all the various scenarios that lie before you all and what does SHE intend to put into place to allow any of it to work on any level?

I don't think for one minute that she truly "loves" this OM otherwise she would have been gone already. She knows he is high risk and the likelihood of it lasting is zero but she has the luxury of you and your stability and integrity to fall back on. Meanwhile she will put you all on a massive roller-coaster ride over the next few months/years going round in circles about what SHE really wants. You are going to end up like a wrung out rag by the end of it and that is hardly fair on yourself and the children you already have.

The only way I can see it possibly working is if the OM gets himself out of the picture altogether and allows you all to regroup as a family along the new baby. Apparently OM does not want that, he wants to be "involved". How dare he? IMHO he does not have the luxury to be involved. He has placed you in a horrific situation thanks to his disrespect and carelessness and now he wants all the joy of the baby without any of the sacrifice? I have never heard anything so outrageous! What does he intend to do to make your life easier while you deal with his MESS? Nothing, by the sound of it. He needs to accept that he has screwed up big time, get over his grief in regards to the child and move on. Unless he does this then basically he might as well move in by the sound of it. Also does your wife seriously think that once he has become involved with someone else (and he will do) that he is still going to have the same interest in this baby? I can guarantee that once he starts creating more babies with someone else then this baby will become no more than a slip up he once made.

I would not be planning to take this baby on unless your WW shows serious intentions to commit to you and this marriage. Otherwise, she will be doing this again with someone else a couple of year down the track and you will be back to square one and lower.

One last thing. I find it really disturbing seeing this unborn baby being referred to as the "fucklet" by some posters. This baby is totally innocent and his/her future is fraught with uncertainty to say the least.

Hugs to you SAF.

EJ x

Strange, when you have that civil conversation with her, let her know exactly that. There are three levels of remorse that needs to be had before Strange can move forward with any decision. Remorse for what she did to him, and remorse for what she did to the kids, and remorse for the family a a whole. All three of those need to be had...and of course depending on her, Strange may or may not see those things. But based on whether he starts to see those or not see those, they can start to decide what to do with the child.

I agree. Let her know what you need before you can take her back.

I would tell her that you plan to go to a lawyer to see what you need to do in terms of a divorce.

Does she have any clue what it will be like if she gives a 1 year old to you for a month in the summer, or conversely, gives a newborn to OM for the day when baby is 3 weeks old, and she has to pump to keep her milk up, while missing the new baby.

SHe should be crapping in her pants right now. It sounds (and I haven't read all of the thread, so excuse me if Im wrong) but it sounds like she is in lala land planning a new baby with OM...

and NO, OM does not have to go to her dr appts. If he does, then you have every right to say that you want to be there too. If WW balks... I'd be done

This thread makes me cry. The empathy in me is killing me. I really hope you find some answer within yourself SAF. The emotions that this has brought out in others is staggering to me and I can't believe you are functioning. Is there anyway you and the kids could go somewhere away from her and just decompress. Things always seem different when you are away from the person that hurt you. You may be fighting for a way to stay with a person who is not willing to fight to stay with you. I feel so horrible for you, your babies and this new little light. None of you asked to be here. But at a certain point you have to think of yourself and how you can do what's best for you. I know you love your wife deeply and I loved my husband deeper than I should have but at some point I realized that loving him was hurting me. And I was so wrecked I couldn't take care of my kids. Everyone lost. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel your pain.

Alright, this is getting pretty heavy. I know my story probably triggers all kinds of things in people who have their own painful pasts and presents. This situation seems to have it all - betrayal, the 'other child', existing children, the interracial aspect, the OM who doesn't want to go away...I couldn't even make this up. That's how I picked my handle, by the way.

I'm deeply grateful to every person who has used some of their valuable time and emotional investment to post on this thread. Some of the words have been uplifting, others harsh, some therapeutic, some heartbreaking, others compassionate - but all of it means so much to me.

I have no idea what my final decision will be. I do know that my WW is in no condition to determine what she really wants. She's calm but not thinking rationally right now. You can say that I'm not thinking rationally right now, either. Maybe that's fair. But that's all the more reason for me not to make an immediate decision. There are a lot of moving pieces to consider. Maybe this is heading for divorce. But if we divorce, I guarantee you it won't be because someone here (even with the best of intentions) told me to get my head out of my ass and dump the bitch.

Speaking of bitches. . .she's not one. She's not a tramp or a slut, either. She made a horrible mistake, admits as much and is profoundly sorry. You're entitled to your opinion of all the players in my tragic drama. I'm just telling you that I tend to discount the posts that seem to contain needless invective. If you want to get through to me, appeal to my mind and not my raw emotion.

I've forgiven her for the affair. I've forgiven her for the tragic decision that led to her getting pregnant. That's where I am and that's on me. Forgiveness does NOT mean that all is well, however. What she does from this moment onward is of paramount importance. Nobody can change the past. Nor can I forget it. Today she isn't ready for the big R. I've laid out some conditions for trying to make this work and we're working through them.

Our little boys are amazing, they really are. They and this new child are omnipresent in our thinking. I realize that there will be a lifelong impact on them no matter what we decide. It might be that divorcing will teach them a moral lesson. But at what cost? Will living with the OM be a good experience for them? Staying together will give my boys a home with, at worst, a cheater and a wimp. Splitting up gives them a home with, at best, a flawed woman and an immoral man who clearly has no respect for the bounds of marriage. Who can say which is better? I believe that the best of what my WW and I can offer is better than the best of what my WW and the OM can offer. IF other conditions are met that make a reconciliation and healthy marriage possible.

Alright, this has already gone on longer than I intended and longer than the time I really have free to devote to it. There are a number of posts I want to get back to but I can't guarantee I'll get there today. Please, keep it all coming. This forum is really my most valuable resource right now other than one incredibly empathetic and strong friend. And even she can offer only one perspective and is unable to provide a personally unbiased opinion or advice. There are a lot of walking wounded in this forum. Some are still shell shocked and some are true survivors. Yes, you are all helping me. But I also hope this thread can provide some comfort and purpose for all the readers and posters. Although I'm not religious I have to say - bless you all.

This whole situation is devastating and I am sorry for what you are going through and will go through in the future.

Slight t/j - I was hoping someone else would say it because I hate when any message board participants try to lecture others on how they post but...

Will you all please consider NOT calling the unborn child in this thread and in other threads a "fucklet"?

I know there is pain and that emotions are running high but this just seems so wrong to me on so many levels. The #1 reason IMO is that this child (and the others) did not ask to be born nor did they have a choice regarding the selfish people they will have to call their parents.

Thank you - t/j over.

Will you all please consider NOT calling the unborn child in this thread and in other threads a "fucklet"?

I'm going to second this. Although I have a confession to make. When I first saw this term I was amused and entertained. I now feel sick that I felt that way. I'm not judging, please believe me. Yet I imagine that there are a lot of "Other Children" on this site, many of them fully grown adults with families of their own. Some of them may not have even known the truth about their genetics until later in life. If your wife came to you today and confessed that your 15 year old daughter wasn't your child, would she suddenly become a fucklet? No, and I don't think you would love that child one iota less than you did the day before.

I'll stop lecturing now. I don't really have the right to do so. I guess I'll end just by requesting that in this case, in reference to my WW's baby, that people not use that kind of term. Thank you.

(((((strangeasfiction))))) Thank you.

Better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Having said that, I don't think you will leave. Like many of us, you will attempt recon. Nothing wrong with that. People are just trying to prevent you further devastation that they have suffered by giving you the wisdom of their experience.

We all have our own path to healing and yours is by your wife's side. It could work for you. It might not. But who are we to say?

What she does from this moment onward is of paramount importance. Nobody can change the past. Nor can I forget it. Today she isn't ready for the big R. I've laid out some conditions for trying to make this work and we're working through them.

Good. Now you are moving a little bit forward Strange. That is what you need to do. Make sure those conditions are met and then some. Try to make her understand what the hell she really did. You will get answers from which direction to go from that.

I'm pulling for you Strange whichever direction you end up in.