SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At some point he and I are going to have to meet.

This might change - talk w/ your attorney first.

Have you seen one yet?

I am sorry, strange. It just seems like we keep piling it on. You are *the man* to even be where you are today. A much better man than I am.

Here comes another 2x4(it has already been mentioned):

Sadly, they were in fact trying to get pregnant. This has been one of the hardest parts to comprehend. As she explains now, she was 100% certain she would be filing for divorce. In her (damaged) mind, this pregnancy wasn't going to change anything because she was already out the door.

She was already out the door, huh? When did you get served? When did she retain counsel?

That's right--she didn't. And I know why, with 100% accuracy, why she didn't file: Because her mindset is fucked up six ways since Sunday. She has none, ZERO, comprehension of the damage she has done....like you have already stated.

Please protect yourself and your children.

You seem like a parent that lets his child play in the street.

Wow, that might be one of the most insensitive posts I have read on SI. Some of the advise here is great, some isn't unfortunately.

Strange - when I read what you right I can tell you are handling this about as well as anyone can given the circumstances. As BS we all make mistakes early - when we got married we were never prepared for this type of event to happen. It's ok, keep reading, keep learning, keep working to get where you need to be. Things will get better eventually.

I'm going to post a word of warning to you about MC, take from it what you find useful.

Early on, A BS can put a lot of hope into the prospect of MC, that surely the WS will be brought to their senses and all can be made right with the world.

Reality is often quite different. First of all, many MC's are of the mindset that the M must have been bad to "cause" the WS to cheat, so they (the MC) starts to push the agenda of fixing the pre-A M issues. Of course a fog-filled WS digs this and you are now outnumbered by people who don't think straight.

So - find a good MC, if you BOTH don't like the MC, find a new one - these folks are hired help so hire the help you need.

Secondly, an awful lot of times, a WS is far too unhealthy emotionally early in the game for MC to be any use at all. Remember, a healthy relationship takes 2 healthy people, and your WS has been kinda demonstrating that she doesn't fit this profile just now. Often, it is more appropriate for both WS and BS to start out with IC, to stabilize each of them, before MC can do any good. Really think about it. Obviously, your WS needs to work with someone good to get to the cause of and solutions to her issues. But you really could benefit as well. Infidelity is truly traumatizing to the BS, you could find a lot of help in processing and healing to get yourself a good IC.

Take care of you, heal you. You cannot fix her. You cannot fix your M till she starts to fix her. That leaves you as the only project on your list that you can tackle.

Take care.

"Wow, that might be one of the most insensitive posts I have read on SI. Some of the advise here is great, some isn't unfortunately. "

Really? So calling an unborn child a fucklet and his wife every name under the sun is ok but encouraging him to focus on himself and stop allowing his wife to abuse herself and him is insensitive.

Gotcha.

Think that tells me quite a bit and all I need to know.

May I please make a plea for all of you to really put the welfare of this unborn child ahead of any personal desires?

That child is going to have perhaps insurmountable issues unless he/she gets to make a clean start in an adoptive family.

My DH and his ex wife had a ONS long after their divorce that resulted in a child. I was not around then.

They absolutely unconditionally should have given this child up for adoption and let him have a chance at a normal life.

The poor kid was an alcoholic at age 14. He's now twice that age so he's been an alcoholic for half his life. He had terrible anger issues. He is smart but has no education or job skills.

How his life could have been different if he'd had a stable life without his bio parents issues. His mother's husband wants nothing to do with him.

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 7:45 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Hi SAF

I am truly sorry you are here. You have one of the worst situations I have read.

I read your posts from start to finish and stopped when I read this;

Sadly, they were in fact trying to get pregnant. This has been one of the hardest parts to comprehend. As she explains now, she was 100% certain she would be filing for divorce. In her (damaged) mind, this pregnancy wasn't going to change anything because she was already out the door.

I don't know how you are still standing with this piece of information. You must be going through some massive internal turmoil.

For most people, this bit of information would be the final straw. The only reason I believe you are trying to hang on is because of the fear of the future you must have and being that KICA trying to hold everything together (that is because you are a man and that is what most men do).

If you try and R with your wife, I can see years of hurt. You may never get over it.

If you D, then you can rebuild your life, and your kids will still be a major part of your life.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses and start again

This is a horrific situation for all involved. It truely is one that you can't imagine unless you've lived it.

SAF,

I think you are dealing with this like many BS's deal with the initial discovery of infidelity. You are blaming yourself, you are quick to offer forgiveness, you are doing the leg-work, etc. You simply want everything to go back to "normal".

I remember when I discovered my WS's (now XH) affair and that they had had a child. My first reaction besides the horrible pain of betrayal was, "I can fix this. We can raise this baby together."

He was gone all the time and working out of town and away from home. I must have neglected him when he came home.

I went through all the same thoughts you did. I was at home working while he was out of town. He kept saying "he was all alone" when he was out of town. And I would say, "So was I, but I wasn't out cheating!"

Anyway; after clearing my head, I had to realize this was not my mess to clean up. And this is not yours either.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but unless your wife is on board with you, 150%, you are on a sinking ship. I know you want this to work, but some things just can't be fixed.

1)The first thing you need to do is see an attorney. Like yesterday.

2)The second thing you need to do is protect yourself and your two existing children legally.

3) See #1

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:51 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

One last thing. I find it really disturbing seeing this unborn baby being referred to as the "fucklet" by some posters. This baby is totally innocent and his/her future is fraught with uncertainty to say the least.

OP is innocent in this as well and as long as this is not said to the child's face I fail to see a problem, and venting is part of what makes this place so great. Everybody loses when it comes to infidelity and this is just more proof. Some walk away with other constant reminders of cheating such as diseases but to have a living reminder around your neck? I can't imagine.

This kid is not his problem so if he doesn't want to play nice he doesn't have to. It's the two fuckwits who thought theycould make a porno in Unicornland yet forget how babies are made that are responsible for whatever happens here.

One last thing. I find it really disturbing seeing this unborn baby being referred to as the "fucklet" by some posters. This baby is totally innocent and his/her future is fraught with uncertainty to say the least.

OP is innocent in this as well and as long as this is not said to the child's face I fail to see a problem

The first quote above was directed at other contributors to this thread. Not to me. I've specifically asked that no one use derogatory terms to describe the innocent baby.

Definitely got my ass kicked on here today. That's ok. It's nothing compared to real life. I don't know all the answers. If I did then I wouldn't need to be here and I would have spared you all the emotional rollercoaster of my life. All of you get me thinking about stuff and that's a good thing.

There's a lot going on today (apart from si.com) and I don't know if I have the energy to respond to all of the great points you all are making. This situation obviously ignites a lot of passion and I know you are all concerned about me and my family. I greatly appreciate it.

Here comes another 2x4(it has already been mentioned):

Thanks for the warning. Next time, maybe ask if I'd prefer to get hit in the head or in the gut?

I have been keeping up with your story.

Haven't responded because I have never been in your shoes. My opinion means nothing.

I did just want to say that I think you are a strong, caring, loving man.

Your children and wife, along with the OC are lucky to have you considering all of these options and weighing the future with everyone's best interests at heart.

I admire your strength.

I wish you peace along this journey, it is a difficult one.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:08 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Definitely got my ass kicked on here today.

I'm sorry that your thread has become what it is. I remember the JFO forum being a great comfort to me when I joined.

You will get through this.

As far as the "f*cklet" comments. I find it very offensive. My brother is a result of an affair. Someone calling him a fucklet even not to his face is terrible.

And my brother is not a constant reminder of an affair. He is fantasic person. He proof that something wonderful can come from the most painful times in life.

Without mentioning names i find it absolutely ridiculous that certain people who are stuck in their own limbo hell are essentially giving him the advice of: "Stay in Limbo".

You come to this forum and talk about your frustrations in your own threads and yet you are advocating the SAME EXACT ACTIONS that lead to frustration in your own relationships. Insane.

Does he deserve our support - absolutely.

However, coming here and telling him "You are doing great - keep going" isn't constructive. He has failed and failed to listen to e.g. Tushnurse's advice of at the very least standing up for himself and regaining some control of his life.

Although the term fucklet is insensitive, is that really the biggest issue here? Really? No.

On the whole, he has done nothing to regain control of his life. Nothing. Multiple people (like tushnurse to mention one) have come here and told him to look at the bigger picture. He refuses and then even starts defending trivial incidents.

You have been dealt a shit hand. There is no sugarcoating this. The sooner you rejoin us in the real world and confront this, instead of protecting you wife the better.

There is not a single man/woman i know that would put up with WS and OM's current actions. Not a single one. Right now you have an OM who plans on replacing you. You have a wife who is not remorseful at all. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to finally stand up for yourself or are you going to roll over and keep telling yourself that you are the nice guy in this.

I am on your side. Now go see a lawyer you doughnut.

You seem like a parent that lets his child play in the street.

This^^^ is a savvy observation, harsh or not.

You have been dealt a shit hand. There is no sugarcoating this. The sooner you rejoin us in the real world and confront this, instead of protecting you wife the better.

This^^^ is what most of us on this thread are trying to get you to understand Strange.

Some say it more politely than others.

The point is to stay grounded in reality.

We all care about you Strange. We care about you and your kids. That is the only reason why we are so emphatic.

I personally have lived a version of what you are suggesting for your family. You are much more kind in your thoughtfulness. My parents were not so kind or intelligent,I loved them but they were selfish and clueless.

But you know what? In loving my family, I learned that I could not repeat what they did. I had to do everything I could not to do as they did. In order to I survived their mania, I became a very stoic young child. My brothers and my sister copeing...not so much.

They carry huge emotional scars that persist 45 years later.

I guess my 6 year old self is screaming at you. She is so sad and confused, and she had no power to change what was dished up by the adults. We were exposed to the he most heinous situations. Mothers with boyfriends, Dads with live-in girlfriends. Weird household blending of the children of the girlfriend thrust on our family, living with us in our home...I could go on. Let me just say, school was a nightmare for me as a child. I just wanted to be 'normal'.

So please forgive me for my rude comments. The hyperbole was to grab your attention, to shock you to really think about what you are about to decide for your kids, and to get you to really think what your WW has already done to their lives.

I feel so bad for your innocent kids. They did not ask for this dysfunction. My Father was nuts, but I wish my Mother would have understood what damage was being done to us kids and stood up for us having a 'normal' home life. Truly.

Please know that from what you say, the OC will be born and loved. But why would you thrust the child and the boyfriend on your existing kids, in their home?

That scenario is un-tendable for all involved. JMHO.

My questions to you is: Why should the child that is in the womb from an intruder outside of the covenant of your marriage trump the precious children from that blessed union??

Hi SAF,

I just wanted to give you my support on this thread. As someone said before, there are no winners in this situation.

So, if we take the pregnancy out of the equation, what would we normally advise in this situation? In fact, we would say MC, IC, visit a lawyer. NC a must, child or no child. How far along is she? Because until a paternity test is done, this is not the other man's baby. He should not be updated, should not be at ANY appointments. Too bad for him.

It's 180 time. This is what would be said for *anyone* trying to reconcile with a spouse who's foggy. There's 9 months ahead for the two of you to work on your marriage, and your own issues. MC and IC for both are a must! Baby/kid decisions can wait for a bit. I really think at the moment she needs to be snapped back to reality, and fast. Then work on herself. Like JustWow said, you cannot fix her.

The only thing I'll say about the baby is one of my best friends is the OC out of a married man (who did not leave his family, in fact was NC with my friend his entire life) and his mom. You know what, he's wonderfully adjusted and a fantastic person. In fact, him and his wife are the best friends our marriage has. When he was a baby, his mom married a wonderful man who became his father. So let's not assume this kid, or your other children, will all turn out effed up. I truly believe if there are strong, loving parents involved (and a good child therapist), things will work out fine in the end. This depends on your WW getting her head, errrrr, extracted. If she doesn't, I think you know what to do, you don't need me to say it.

Look, right now your marriage is the big issue. Does it continue, or not? Think about what you *need* to have a respect-filled marriage for each other. If she won't agree to NC, and that this OG is gone, forever, then there's no point. When I say forever, that means NC between them. Ever.

We have all been there in the days, and months, after DD. The blur of emotions, the pleading, the blame and what-ifs. Take a deep breath. You will get thru this. It's hard to move from emotion to logic when infidelity raises its ugly head.

So, figure out what you* NEED/WANT* for a respectful and loving marriage, child or no. If she isn't willing to work on herself, and your marriage, stick to your guns, you DESERVE respect. Read that as much as you need to. YOU DESERVE RESPECT. Get to a good IC, ASAP.

My thoughts are with you. You sound like a wonderful human being to know, with a great amount of compassion. Try the Reconciliation forum as well, if you haven't already. Lots of great advice down there.

This thread is overwhelming! I can't imagine the pain you must be in.

Sometimes clarity can come when you look at the situation differently... If this was a friend of yours telling you this story, what would you say to him? What would your initial reaction be? What would your gut tell you he should do?

I hope you get clarity soon. And remember, all of this advice is wonderful and is meant to get you to see through the fog (your own and your WW); however only you can know what is the right thing for you. After all, how many of us said an A was a deal breaker before we lived this hell?

But they will trust and respect you pushing back the bullshit and providing them with a healthy homelife. One based in truth, showing them what having a moral backbone looks like.

Let me just pursue this to its logical conclusion. If there is infidelity within a marriage and the kids find out about it, then the ONLY course of action MUST be divorce. There must be no reconciliation under any circumstances - for the children's sake. No exceptions. Otherwise, one parent will always be the cheater and the other the wimp who took the cheater back.

I'm not saying that attempting to reconcile is the right path in all cases or even in my own case. It just seems that the logic of your position isn't tenable.

I guess I was not clear in my original post.

When you stated:

Your WW is pregnant from another man, a co-worker that she has known for 2 months.

The OM wants to be a part of the child's life. And wants to be involved with the birth and doctors appts.

You are willing to let this OM go to doctors appts and be at the birth of his child with your WW.

You said you will care for your WW because she said her co-worker boyfriend is not stable enough to support her and will need your help.

Your WW is not in love with you, just loves what you can do for her like providing a home, insurance and the like.

She wants to bring this other mans child into your home with your other children and raise the children together. But the OM will also be in everyone's lives because he wants to be active in his child's life with your WW.

You said that you want to be a full time father with your kids and don't want to divorce because that will mean that you will not have access to your kids 100%.

Your WW said that she would leave with your kids since you don't see them much anyway because you work so much. This is why she thought is was okay to get pregnant by her co-worker OM.

I said:

In your situation, having the OM joining your family because of your WW having his child and inserting the child and its father (the co-worker boyfriend who is not stable enough to provide support for his baby mama, your wife) into your home life and the lives of your children is untendable.

I never said that all infidelity should result in divorce. Mr. Happy and I are living proof that there can be love and safety in a family that has been damaged by betrayal. Yes, our grown children did suffer from Mr. Happy's selfish choices. None of us will ever be the same. However R. Happy was/is 'all in' as far as helping our family to heal through honesty, transparency and completely changing his broken coping skills.

Also there are lots of families that have dealt with OC. But you can read here how when the BS has to constantly deal with the OC parent, that is very painful and life altering at the very least.

Also step-children have ways of coping with there step-siblings. Sometimes good and sometimes not so great. Blended families can survive and thrive.

Our kids had many friends who were growing up as children of divorce and baby-mama drama. Those kids loved coming to our home because it was 'normal'. The mother of one girl in particular told me that she was angry at me because her daughter asked her "Why can't you be a 'regular mom' like Mrs. Happy?" Out of the mouth of babes...

I am no expert, all of my comments are based on my family background. But I have lived through a lot of painful dysfunction. And I have tried with all of my heart not to mimic ANY of my early life. I try not to use any of my parents coping skills, if you could call them that.

It is all I can do not to speak ill of my mother and father. They did some real and lasting damage to my innocent siblings and me. But I am grown now, I had to forgive them their ignorance, or live as toxic collateral damage. At an early age I vowed to rise above all of that and strive for a good 'regular' life.

I am no longer an innocent pawn with feckless parents.

Just trying to give you one view from an adult survivor of a dysfunctional early life.

I wish you and children well and thank you for reading my posts.