SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Worndown nailed it. Sure is a lot of rationalizing and moral gymnastics on display to establish that, well you know, some cheating is justified, but other cheating is just terrible. All cheating, knowingly violating your wedding vows, is wrong. Period. It really is not that hard to grasp.

Where in this shitshow was anyone's behavior productive or healthy? Or "fair?"

It's true none of it is healthy or fair. It took me a long time to recover from my RA. I know what the slippery slope feels like and the lies I told myself to make it 'okay.' It wasn't ok. Sure I evened the score, but for what? My M is still ending, my STBX is still cheating.

The only good thing to come out of this whole mess is I am getting healthier.

An A complicates everything and causes inner and outer chaos. I'm trying to remove chaos from life and I want to be a person of integrity.

One thing I see said frequently is referencing the original WS feeling “entitled to”, “expecting”, or “demanding” reconciliation for their original affair (usually followed by calling them hypocrites if they would divorce over an RA). To those BSs who make those references, can you give me an example of one such poster? I’ve been a member of SI for almost ten years and I have never seen a single one who has felt entitled to R or expected it, let alone demanded it.

This thread makes me wonder how often BSes cheat in their next relationship, even if they never have before.

I can't imagine doing that. I leave a guy who devastated me with infidelity, meet a new man who is probably pretty damned awesome given how choosy I will be in the future. I'm really grateful to be with a man of integrity, so I would...destroy his heart like mine was destroyed by cheating on him? No, I can't comprehend that.

I'm gonna say that cheating in a future relationship is a hard pass for me. With the absolute disgust I feel whenever someone mentions cheaters or cheating or "side chicks" or "secret boyfriends" or whatever, I know it is not in me to do such a thing.

How many times have I read "A month before I cheated I would have sworn that I would never do it."

I'm a divorced BS. The experience in toto is more PTSD than insight providing. Stats show that BS are worse pickers than average going into subsequent relationships. Meaning that they did not learn to pick better partners. Or are too PTSD afflicted to have it be a rational process.

My GF had some betrayals. I have mine. BS with BS... rather both of us were neither. Really do. Being on the receiving end of abuse doesn't help anyone.

Your boyfriend cheated again because of you inability to go no contact with you AP. It is all right there in your post. You pushed him to another RA by your actions.

I see. So by this logic, you endorse Buzzy's wife having an RA, because a year later, he's still in friendly but nonsexual contact with his AP?

^^ And that right there is where the logic of a merry-go-round of continuous affairs escapes me. Not because of a “high horse,” or because I don’t get the desire for revenge—believe me, I do—but because the cycle of retribution never ends once it starts. There will always be a way to one-up your partner for anything if you look hard enough, but why bother staying married then?

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:10 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

And in all cases both people end up blind.

I'll rather be blind than end up a miserable doormat.

I see. So by this logic, you endorse Buzzy's wife having an RA, because a year later, he's still in friendly but nonsexual contact with his AP?

His contact and you contact area little different don't you think?

But sure, if she wants to take it that far and it helps her get his attention, why not? She is already a cheater, what else it going to change?

Now, I'm not suggesting she should cheat again, to save some face, she should just leave him as she is already a cheater.

But then where does it end?

It should theoretically end with the initial WS...

A WS has a 6-month A. Their BS has a 6-year RA. Does that mean it's OK for the WS to cheat again while the original BS has their RA, because 6 years is a hell of a lot longer than 6 months? And then, wouldn't that just push the original BS into the RA for longer, now that original WS is cheating again?

Well, if an already WS is cheating again, then that is strike 2... Why would a BS (turned WS) wait for a 3rd one?

Where the fuck does it end?

With the initial WS. Why would a already cheater try to cheat again?

When BraveSirRobin's WS had an RA, then would it have been OK for her to start up her A again, only now it would be an RA? By your logic, he would have pushed her into it by his own actions.

Her BF has a RA because of her own actions. Please read her entire comment before commenting again. She "forced" him to have a RA.

Where is the health in that? Why would you want either person to get stuck in such an unhealthy cycle?

I have never said anything about a cycle. If an already WS cheats again, it is bye-bye time.

[This message edited by DoormatSight at 9:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

No. It would make you worse than a first time cheater because you are doing it with the knowledge of the pain and devastation it causes. It's simplistic and cruel. This is why If WH cheats again I am not staying again.

It's not tit for tat and then you're all good and happily ever after.

[This message edited by Datura at 10:05 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

I’ve read this thread with interest. What I find most interesting is the ‘excuses’ we as BS put out there for a revenge affair. They are EXACTLY the same ones as a cheater uses when getting involved in infidelity, ‘someone made them feel good about themselves’ ‘revenge for a perceived or real injustice from their BS’, ‘building their self esteem’ ‘feeling unloved in their marriage’ etc etc And how angry are we when we read these excuses from WS.

The hypocrisy is mind boggling.

At the end of the day the excuse seems to come down to ‘well they did it first’, the stuff of the playground.

I would never have a revenge affair, in fact I now know categorically that I’d never ever cheat. I know how utterly destroying and painful it is to be on the receiving end. Why would anyone want to put another person through that KNOWINGLY?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:46 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Why would anyone want to put another person through that KNOWINGLY?

Spite and punishment. Those are the only two reasons I can think of. Malice.

Why would anyone want to do that knowingly?

Because you don't bring a knife to a gun fight?

Because you don't challenge the person who sucker punched you to a boxing match with a referee?

I am reminded of the show Mad Men, which featured more than its share of cheating. The main character, Don Draper, was the worst of the lot, a serial cheater. His first wife, Betty, suspected and accused him several times of cheating, accurately, but could never prove it. Eventually she did prove that he was lying about other things, like Don Draper not being his real name and identity.

At one point when the marriage is more on the rocks than not, Betty goes to a bar and has a ONS with a random guy. Personally I didn't think Don Draper was worthy of faithfulness. Faithfulness to a serial cheater is pointless to me.

So I need to recognize the irony that the WS is sucker punching, using dirty tactics in having the A. Then the BS is supposed to be the one, the only one, enforcing the rules and issuing grace.

If you want purity, stay single. Be a monk or a nun. Sometimes the WS does drag the BS down into the muck. BS might as well face the muck if that's where they are.

Incarnate, quite, my WH had an affair for many fucked up reasons, but I can say with my hand on my heart that malice, spite and punishment weren’t any of them.

Striver, still sounds like the bloody playground. I’ll stay out of the muck and stay true to my moral compass.

ETA

FWIW my stance comes from a place of protection for myself. Not a place of protecting my WH from pain and hurt. Holding true to ourselves is how we help to maintain our mental health. I’ve seen what falling far from your moral code has done to my WH and I don’t want the same fate for myself!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:55 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Incarnate, quite, my WH had an affair for many fucked up reasons, but I can say with my hand on my heart that malice, spite and punishment weren’t any of them.

I was mostly referring to having a purposeful RA, as opposed to an initial WS affair.

My point exactly. I find the idea of an affair built on the backbone of spite, malice and punishment frightening!

Don Draper not being his real name and identity.

Spoiler alert!

Seriously, I'm with dragonfly. Sounds like a lot of childish crap. It's just a bunch of hypocritical bullshit excuses for revenge.

If your spouse cheats and you feel unloved, unattractive, etc., a RA is not the way to get those feelings back. Do some soul searching about why you need that external validation. You need to work on feeling good about yourself regardless of what others do.

Edited because the submit button got in my way.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:29 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Do some soul searching about why you need that external validation. You need to work on feeling good about yourself regardless of what others do.

this.

you don't have to think about yourself as being a doormat for staying or not having a RA.

consider changing your thoughts.