SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm curious about why that would hit me.

It's called a trigger my friend. The first of many, I'm sure. You'll be going along fine and then you'll see something, hear something, see something on TV, whatever and it will all come slamming right back to the front of your consciousness. You need to recognize it for what it is, yet another wonderful aspect of that large, steaming pile of shit that's been dropped in your lap.

We were talking with another couple

Well, at least she recognized where she was going and stopped herself before she went there. At least it shows that she might have been thinking about your feelings. Maybe she was just embarrassed. It's a start.

It seems weird to talk about her relapsing

I don't imagine many here ever imagined that they'd ever have to have a conversation with their spouse about the fallout of having fucked another person.... But here we are. Life's a bitch, huh?

Just read this thread and so sorry you are in this situation. You are not far from DDAY and I remember feeling similar to you within a week to two after my first DDAY. Like I was calm, trusting and open minded. No mental movies yet. THEN BOOM. The mental movies started, the triggers started and my emotions went on an upswing.

When you are in this type of shock the normal response is fatigue and recoiling from pain which is why we go into rugsweep mode - you are avoiding the specifics because the specifics is what makes this stuff REAL.

Please believe me when I say that the advice people are giving is not to stir up a shit storm you want to calm ... it is to PREVENT ANOTHER DDAY FROM HAPPENING. I did not listen the the advice on SI and I experienced DDAY 2 six months later.

You need to write a list of questions ... and make her do the timeline. You need to face the truth of what she was doing and YES that means facing the pain. If you rugsweep this will come back to haunt you.

I know it hurts and i know your tired and you want normalcy so badly and you dont want to be the non trusting person. But the reality is you are with a spouse who is NOT trustworthy. I know you want the kids to have normalcy. You are trying to establish balance and to sleep and eat and get through your day .. i get that. But without the specifics, without holding her 100 per cent accountable for every action she makes .. you run the risk of another DDAY. I hate to see anyone experience that because yes, it actually can get worse (believe it or not).

She needs to do a timeline. She needs to be accountable for all of it.

Good luck.

I'm probably not in a unique situation. I was feeling pretty good until Sunday night. I got a little sad. I wasn't sad so much about the affair but about what will come next. What may come next.

I don't know if I can do the snooping stuff long term. I feel so dirty doing it. I just don't want to live like that. If I can't trust her, and I am not willing to do the snooping stuff, then I felt like I might just have to end it.

I don't think I have really done a great job of explaining what she's done so far after D-Day.

My WW did talk to the OM. She told him business only and NC otherwise. He's out this week on vacation, so she has two weeks by the end of this maybe with NC.

She does work with him and she does have to send and respond to stuff from him. I've checked what I can check and they look like they are doing a good job so far. We are only one week in of course.

For her part, she is seeing an IC. We are seeing a MC, which I admit may be too early. I am seeing an IC.

She did hide the extent to which they work together but she confessed Friday night after she had her session with her IC. Her IC said that she will probably have to look for a new job. My wife tells me that is sinking in. She loves her job but she will continue to look and work on her resume.

Honestly, I am not pushing on the job front. If she wants to quit the job for me, that's up to her. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be in the end. There is also a chance he'll quit.

I did tell the OBS though I have no way to know if she'll get it. She is not a frequent FB poster and really she may never respond back to me.

My wife has been very apologetic. Certainly her actions look better than before. She tells me that she is working through the fog. It is tough. All I can do is believe her with that. No way to verify.

She was talking to me about ways she can distance their work relationship, including putting a project manager in-between them.

In the end, I really don't want her to stay if she won't be happy. I think I want her to stay but we're so early in on things.

Overall, I feel like I am doing ok. Yesterday I even had long stretches where I wasn't thinking about the affair. Is this sweeping it under the rug? We talk about it constantly, not about what they did. I know enough. I really do not want the mind movies.

What other questions do I need to ask?

Of what I know, they started to grow together at Management Training classes, which started back in 2014. That was early-to-mid 2014.

I know the first time they had sex was in October.

I know the last time they had sex was in November.

I know that they sexted each other. I brought that up and started to shame her about it today but I stopped. I agreed with her that it wasn't a helpful comment/conversation.

I know they talked about lots of little things. Stupid things. A lot.

I'm not going to lie. I have a pit in my stomach. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep her. I have doubts. Serious doubts and most of that is external. I believe her, but I keep listening to you folks and the books. It's sad to think about the fact that it normally doesn't work out.

I think that we are strong enough as a couple to work this out, but then I don't know if I want to.

I put a moratorium for sex for at least a month. I don't think we need that to complicate where we are at. We've had sex many times since the affair. If she did pick up an STD, then I'm screwed. I am making her go see the doctor about that since we're past the 6 months mark now of their last encounter.

I'm not sure if she's done enough at this point or not. I mean the fact is that they banged each other, had a wonderful little relationship for the past year, and lied non-stop. My WW may end up quitting her job, maybe not. She knows it is a very real possibility. I guess she hasn't done a lot that I know of.

I do know that she is keeping a journal and I have agreed not to read that. Really, I don't want to know that she is having trouble getting over him. Or that she isn't sure if she wants to be with me. That's all in her head and I don't need to know about the highs and lows.

I have encouraged. I have told her that if we decide to stay together, I believe she can work past this. I believe but I have to verify. I checked her work computer this morning and she had full knowledge of it. I did it at 4 am, so there was no way she could have prepared.

I didn't really expect to find anything there anyway, but typically there are scraps of the affair everywhere I'd imagine. She's done almost all of the work on her phone.

She's very smart. If she is determined to continue to see him, I am just going to have to get the gut feeling or hope that a VAR picks up on it while she is talking to her friend.

On the topic of friends, she has one that I have told her she cannot talk to. I saw the chat log and she encouraged the affair. The other one, that she talks to more frequently, I am going to allow. I believe that they might be good for each other. They are both working through the same stuff.

Maybe I'll have a D-Day Part 2. I hope not. We've been honest that this may not work out.

I have said to her to be honest to herself and to me. If this doesn't work out, just go. I won't take the kids from her. I will let her go. I don't need her.

Is there anything else I need to know? I am worried about TT. Some of it will be my fault since I am not asking. I don't get the feeling she is hiding anything but I do know that she is worried about what triggers I'll have. If I uncover more of the sordid details...that kind of stuff.

Time will tell if she is telling me the truth about the dates. If she can't keep her hands off of him, I'll know. If I start to suspect then I think I'll just end it. Why live life like that? Something will be different. I suspected before and now that I know something happened, I'll just know.

I don't know how to move on from this though. We talked a lot about life. Our life before and during the affair. A lot. She talks about our life after. If we move on together. Things we should do.

She suggested after my sex moratorium that we should schedule a weekend together. She's worried that if our sex changes, though, that I will associate it with their affair. Honestly, there will be some truth to that. Our sex sucked before though. I want it to change. We had a healthy amount but it was bad sex.

Is that too much information? Sorry, I just felt like sharing all that I could.

No more fucking Mr. Nice Guy.

Hey- another BS here- sorry you find yourself here. My story is similar to yours, with WW in workplace affair. We are supposedly in R, and she has done some things right. I have complete transparency on her personal devices, but she refuses counciling. For financial reasons similar to yours my wife still works in contact with OM. I'm monitoring her three ways to Sunday and cannot catch her at anything else, but strongly suspect shes still talking to the asshole at work. I did not expose to family or her work- and now at close to a year out, shes starting to give me attitude again.

Her work computer and work phones are off limits to me. She can call him at will from work phones and IM him all day long. To think she is not doing that whenever she feels like it is unrealistic. I know in my gut she is doing that, and yours is too. They know there is NO WAY for us to monitor that. That is why the damn job has got to go for R to work- to take those work devices away from them- and get the OM totally out of the picture. No matter what she tells you, her seeing him at work is her kryptonite and he will be in her pants again.

Don't end up like me. Do what these people say. Period. Expose the affair to everyone. Make it a priority to tell the other BS so he will throw your wife under the bus. I was unlucky in that my WW's AP is single- so I couldnt do that. Consider confronting OM. I was advised not to do that- but now I feel it needed to be done. File for D. Like they say, you aint got to go through with it, but it will send the right message that she needs to understand- namely that you are not to be fucked around with.

I was not decisive & did not do these things- and I am in limbo now and have lost what little respect my WW had left for me because of it. Now, the R seems to be unraveling because other than me being hurt & pissed, she pretty much got away with it.

Trust me- if you dont break her world down and have her crawling around on the floor you will not get to where you need to be.

I know that's hard news to take. I found I just could not do it when it needed to be done and I'm paying for it now. I too felt like if I filed on her it would push her completely away. The hard truth is, if filing on her pushes her away then it was too far gone to start with. I firmly believe that now.

I know that's hard news to take. I found I just could not do it when it needed to be done and I'm paying for it now. I too felt like if I filed on her it would push her completely away. The hard truth is, if filing on her pushes her away then it was too far gone to start with. I firmly believe that now.

Actually, this part I have no qualms with other than I am a miser. Lawyers are expensive!

I am thinking about getting divorce papers and a post-nup. Then I will hand them both to her and give her X amount of time to decide.

I don't know how long it takes to draw of divorce papers, but I don't even want to make a decision for 3 months. I would give her the same courtesy.

I'm really getting a "I don't give a damn" attitude. I love her and I always will, but I will not live like before.

I reflecting so often about how I would do things to make her happy and hope I could get some scraps from her table. That's no way to live. To basically grovel for sex. That's over. Never again.

You just got the BEST advice from Badsitch that anyone could have given you. I suggest you listen to him very carefully.

You are making a huge mistake or mistakes on a couple of things here.

(1) you sent OM wife FB message and then state she rarely checks FB. Well, hire a fucking courier and send it so only she can sign for it. The statement that you have done all you can to notify her is a cop out

(2)She's telling you has only banged him twice, last time six months ago, and you believe that?? And on that she is so in love with him???

(3) your statement that you will know if something is amiss is silly. If that was the case, your wife would have not gotten away with it in the first place and she knows how she got caught now

(4) checking her work computer at 4 am is a worthless exercise. You do not think that the two of them have not agreed to make sure nothing incriminating is sent on a device they both know you are looking at?

(5) the VAR is the only way you are going to know if she is talking to that girlfriend who encouraged her. So I hope you are off to Best Buy today or wherever you can go. No you cannot snoop forever but if you have any sense you will snoop right now.

TRUST BUT VERIFY SHOULD BE ON YOUR MIND 24/7 RIGHT NOW

OK, so her IC told her job must go because she lied about how closely they work together. I also understand that you do not want committ financial suicide immediately. So schedule a polygraph and the file for divorce. There have got to be some consequences out there other than having a nice week end.

And lastly. You told her she could go to him. You really think she is going to pick up and move to England for a guy she has banged supposedly twice. no chance. What she is going to do if you are not careful is figure out a way to go underground here and keep OM on the hook unless you blow up HIS life by any means you have at your disposal.

How are you so sure he is off this week. Because she told you????? Her credibility on anything coming out of her mouth right now is WORTHLESS.

You have coma a long way since last week, but you also are setting yourself up with a lax attitude here for a second D Day, and it will not be easier.

I'm really not sure how to find his address. He isn't on facebook, it isn't listed on hers.

I would definitely courier something if I had the address.

His last name isn't Smith, but it fairly common enough.

You know, I take it back. She might be on facebook a lot. I can only see her cover picture updates. She could be posting 30x a day for all I know.

There are websites where you can find address and phone number on anyone one time for less than $50.

I think one is called Intellisus orf something like that.

I am sure others on here can help you with that one but if you google it you can find the sites

What you really should do is get the divorce papers ready and then tell your wife SHE IS CALLING OM WIFE WITH YOU SITTING RIGHT THERE or she can sign the fucking papers.

[This message edited by nononsense at 8:26 AM, July 20th (Monday)]

I'm not trying to piss you off- but just know that your wife is now like an alien. I thought for 15 years I could trust mine. I thought she had her problems like we all do- but that she had my back and I could trust her. Mine lied. Mine TT'd. She wouldnt admit to anything other than a EA. Until I bluffed her HARD, she wouldnt admit it was physical. Then it turned out way physical.

Point is, she aint the same person- and the same old tactics for dealing with her dont work any more- at least not for mine. My wife wants control. By me not doing what I should have- blow her world to hell- she now feels I wont leave her and she thinks she is in control again. Once that happens, you're dead meat man.

Show her you will leave her ass cold and not look back if you dont want to end up where I'm at. The fear of it by you saying it isnt enough- you got to TAKE hard action to make her KNOW you will do it or its all for nought.

I am so angry FOR you - know why? Because every guy posting here is seeing the same thing that I do... that you are heading for another Dday. And it will not be pretty.

Your wife is a liar. You need to really come to grips with that. When you do you will stop accepting "we are not in contact anymore" as a perfectly acceptable answer. You'll start looking at it in the way you SHOULD be: she's still in touch with him.

Look, I know how hard this is because I went through it, too. Do you know any adults whose relationship has progressed to the point of being in LOVE and they've only had sex once? Do you really believe that? Do you think that a woman who was in LOVE with another guy simply shut it off upon discovery - no more conversational reflections, loving comments, "I will miss you's?"

You are very early in this mess. She is not over him yet - no matter what she has said to you. It is imperative that you continue to maintain the pressure - and if that means that she leaves the job immediately then that is the decision. If they have access to each other through a means that is completely untrackable... believe me, it will continue to happen. Workplace affairs, like my wife's, are very, very difficult to end if one of them does not leave.

Press her. Make her get STD testing. Let her go get the kids DNA tested. Not because, necessarily, anything will be found - but so that she starts to feel the depth of what she has been doing, the depth to which your distrust lies. She needs to feel heat... it's okay to let her know that if she wants to leave you will go after full custody of the kids. Hardball can be difficult - but this is infidelity. She needs to see, 100%, that she has exactly TWO options - she recommits fully and with complete remorse to the marriage or she goes and lives on her own, without her family. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions.

You want to know how to get the OM's wife's info? Sit your wife down at the kitchen table, look her right in the eyes, push a piece of paper and pen in front of her and say, "I want his wife's name, address, and where she works. Now. If it's not on the paper in 5 minutes you can leave." She was involved with this guy for a year - I GUARANTEE she knows that information. Then pick up the phone and call her with your wife sitting right in front of you.

Do not believe her. Do not trust her. She has the capacity to lie and manipulate you - that didn't end just because you discovered the affair.

Strength. Pressure. Consistency. A game plan.

That is how you will save your marriage.

And, btw, my marriage is a million times better than it used to be - and my wife had a 3 year LTA. When the time comes I'll be happy to share how we got here. But you are NOT there yet. Don't fool yourself. Please.

Icanovercome, perhaps I was a bit tough with the rugsweeping comment last night. My apologies. In re-reading, you have done some good things. I do fear though that the danger is there to want to move on and put it behind you. I hope that's not the case.

I have 5 concerns here. Perhaps you could answer them if you have time

1) Nononsense, and correctly so IMO, has focused on your WW's sudden turn in attitude from really being into this guy to now all of a sudden being focused on you exclusively again. I agree with him that it is way too quick for it to be that easy. What are your thoughts and do you feel she has been in contact with this guy ?

2) What is the progress on the VAR ?

3) Is your appointment with the attorney's still on ?

4) Have you considered a polygraph to determine the exact extent of this affair with the OM ?

5) When do you plan to contact the OMW to get info and expose ? Since your wife deleted the emails (and they weren't primarily business IMO), you need to see those at some point.

I understand your distain for 'snooping' i felt the same way ... i honestly felt ambivalent and thought, "if i have to be the cop in this relationship then there is something seriously wrong here' and i did not feel comfortable demanding passwords and monitoring his email communication. But this was how i discovered he was on craigslist six months later ... it is amazing how he could look into my eyes and say "i have never felt closer to you than i do now ... and it feels so good to be open and honest, like an open book with you" etc.... we never really can understand how they can lie like that and the goodness in us wants to see the goodness in them.

if you do not like all the FBI work required to keep her 100 percent accountable and honest ... then i suggest you agree on a poly to be held every four to six months as a condition of R.

A requirement for R is that you feel safe.

1) Nononsense, and correctly so IMO, has focused on your WW's sudden turn in attitude from really being into this guy to now all of a sudden being focused on you exclusively again. I agree with him that it is way too quick for it to be that easy. What are your thoughts and do you feel she has been in contact with this guy ?

My thoughts are that she has been in contact with him for business reasons. I really do believe that she has kept it strictly professional at this point. I've been trying to give her a "safe-place" to tell the truth and not be angry. That'll take time for her to trust that I can.

I do feel it is too quickly. It seems too easy. I told her that last night. It has all been too easy. Thursday morning I was a wreck, then I felt like I got some clarity. Thursday night, I was good. I talked with my brother (had a cheating wife) and I felt confident with my path. I told her what the next steps would be. I held firm. She was scared.

The next day she met with her IC who told her that she had to decide if she wanted to come clean on the details. On the fact that she still works with him closely. She came clean that night. I wasn't happy but I didn't yell or shame her.

2) What is the progress on the VAR ?

I am going to run out today and get a VAR. The weekend was crazy. Actually the weekend was fun. Truly fun.

3) Is your appointment with the attorney's still on ?

Hell yes. This is still on. I want to show her I am not bluffing. I will at least get the divorce papers drawn up. I don't know about a post-nuptial agreement. Really I don't know about the post-nup because I don't know if I want to stay with her.

4) Have you considered a polygraph to determine the exact extent of this affair with the OM ?

I haven't really. This is mostly because I don't have a darn clue about polygraphs, who does them, how it works, etc. I know of polygraphs. I figured I would throw this one out there. I want to wait until next week hits on some things since he'll be back in the office then. I do believe he is out of vacation or something next week. I think I ran across an email that confirmed it.

5) When do you plan to contact the OMW to get info and expose ? Since your wife deleted the emails (and they weren't primarily business IMO), you need to see those at some point.

I do not want to see the emails. No chance. I did contact the OMW through Facebook. I am attempting to find their actual address and courier something since I have no way to know if she read the facebook message I sent her.

Keep on me guys, it hurts a little but it's good. You guys are keeping me grounded.

the other thing I want to echo is she is still lying to you. I agree you need to blow up OM life with the truth and she needs to be sitting beside you when you do it. THIS IS BEING ACCOUNTABLE.

She has been lying for a long time and she is still TTng you. Get the VAR, make her do the timeline, and make regular polys a condition of R.

I read what you share and this women is "managing you" ... you have been fed scraps for so dam long that all she has to do is give u a bigger slice and you feel relief. You are being managed by her. She is conceding on very little and she is thinking she is gonna ease out of a long term affair 'no harm no foul' when your trust is shattered? bullshit.

She needs to be accountable. The OM's wife needs to be notified. Or you are headed for DDAY 2.

Use a PI to get their address.

It is critical. It is beyond critical.

She is still talking to him at work and you don't pivot on a dime like this. She's paying by your softie rules now because she's looking to land on a pillow, protect her boyfriend and leave the door open. She's doing this and has convinced even herself. She made the drug analogy. Do cocaine users quit cold turkey on a whim? No they don't.

Get a PI. Get that fucking address. Get divorce papers and a post-nuptual. Present these to her AFTER you let OBS know. She WILL be quitting her job, you will never know what she is doing otherwise and she is NOT telling you the entire truth (the only time she's done so in this entire freaking saga is after you snooped... and you can't snoop at work). You say you'll miss your lifestyle? You mean the one with the cheating wife and two kids with a mom checked out of the family?

Get a PI. Get that fucking address. Get divorce papers and a post-nuptual. Present these to her AFTER you let OBS know. She WILL be quitting her job, you will never know what she is doing otherwise and she is NOT telling you the entire truth (the only time she's done so in this entire freaking saga is after you snooped... and you can't snoop at work). You say you'll miss your lifestyle? You mean the one with the cheating wife and two kids with a mom checked out of the family?

read the above.

There is a member on here who has checked herself into a homeless shelter rather than surrender her dignity and self esteem because of finances. i wish we could take up a collection for her.

Your "lifestyle" may take a hit but not as much as your dignity here. unfortunately a hit on lifestyle is collateral damage of this shit.

You need to decide is your goal here GETTING OUT OF INFIDELITY or STAYING MARRIED AND COMFORTABLE .

If it is number 2, you do not need any more advice. Just live with the heartache. if it is #1, then you do WHATEVER is necessary.

i think you get the gist here. no one has told you they believe a word of what you wife is saying. She got caught and is in damage control until she figures out what to do. And i would recommend you STOP sharing every detail of your thoughts with her until she earns that privilege. Do not reveal a damm thing and you need not be talking about repairing your marriage until you have some idea how much bull shit you are still getting.

And as far as her IC. Your wife needs to sign a paper allowing that IC to tell you anything you want to know or your have no idea what was said other than what your wife (who is a proven liar) tells you.

thanks for the responses. You are moving in a good direction. Keep up the heat.

Also Reddawn is right, there is still TT from your wife and there will be for a while. The big thing is the lawyer appointment on Thursday and the VAR.

Stay vigilant.

Finally regarding post-nups, I am not the biggest fan of them because often they are used to retaliate rather than just to protect. They can easily be thrown out of court as well and so on.

If you go that route, it has to be fair enough for her to sign. If you make divorce cheaper for her than a post-nup, then most people will opt for divorce. Just my observations. I can tell you this, though I would never be a WH, I would never sign a post-nup either. However, if you get one to protect yourself, it's not a bad idea.

So , OM is out of the office this week ? Next week, with VAR in place, you may know some things. It's too bad it's her work computer that she sued to communicate. Eblaster would have been helpful.

Keep her as honest as possible and on the track she's on. Take the steps you listed above. Keep on the pressure and maintain control, like Badsitch said

I have been reading your story and following all the advice you have been getting on here. I'm just a minnow in this water but I really wanted to chime in.

I think you have been very brave and strong so far. I wish I could have had a half of that when I was where you stand now. Our stories are both similiar and not, as I am learning that's how this shit goes. Yesterday was my 3 month since DDay. I'm still on the coaster. I still cry. It still hurts. Listen to the advice you get here. It is so incredibly invaluable. Keep applying what works for you and keep the other nuggets of knowledge in your back pocket. You just might find that you will need them. My WH had his A with one of his employees. One of my terms for R was for that to change. He agreed. I was so thoroughly consumed by my destruction that it became an afterthought. I continually freak out on Sunday nights and can hardly get through a Monday. I have had enough of waiting. Two weeks ago I told him it was time. I said he could get his resume in order and start the search or I would have divorce papers ready. He did not like it (doesn't really want to leave his job and says working with OW will not tempt him. I don't care.) but he said he did it. Yes, I am checking. No, I don't like it. No, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. For now, I am the only one responsible for keeping myself safe and that includes double checking and verifying. So be it. Each time I actually see he is doing what he says is better for the both of us. I do not think I am out of the woods. I am on guard. I hope to be in a spot of trying to make myself happy at some point. I like that you are there now.

As far as your WW's change of attitude, something of this worries me. I do not have anything to support this other than my WH immediately admitted to not loving his AP even though they were telling each other all freaking day long. He immediately went NC (only work related during work hours - I'm skeptical but watching) and did so in front of me and still went through moody A withdrawal for about two weeks after DDay. He was not a completely changed man. What I am trying to say is that I worry she is trying to blind you with a changed attitude to convince you she is all about you so that you don't pick up that she is still involved with her AP. I hope I'm wrong. I hope she is invested in you.

Keep listening to these wonderful people of SI. They have seen all of the shit. I have quietly read and realized they have walked the road I am on. Stay strong. There will be hard days still ahead. Keep going.

ICan,

You got a lot of good advice today from a lot of good people. I'm sure some of it seems harsh, but it's all pretty much spot on. There are a lot of people here who are worried about you and want to make sure you don't let your guard down. That you don't fall into old patterns. And that your WW starts to see some consequences. That you don't get hurt a second time.

I don't know if I can do the snooping stuff long term. I feel so dirty doing it.

Does that suck? You bet. but I'm afraid that if you decide to travel down the R road, it's going to be part of your life for a while. Trust is a long time off.

then I felt like I might just have to end it.

And that's OK. Only you know which is the right road for you. But I put it to you that it's too early for you to know that yet. Some people are very cut and dried. For them infidelity is an instant deal breaker. Once the A comes to light they file for D and are done, no second chance. And for them that's the right decision. I don't see that in you. I see a guy who still wants to love his wife, who wants to keep his family. I see a guy who's going to take a month, or three or six or whatever you decide you need to figure out where you're going. And that's OK too. So long as you keep moving, keep planning, don't fall back into old patterns. And as you can see there's lots of people here to make sure that doesn't happen.

she is seeing an IC. We are seeing a MC, which I admit may be too early. I am seeing an IC.

Good in the IC for both of you. Yes, its probably too soon for MC. MC is for when you have both fixed your shit, and it's time to rebuild the M. I still think it might be a good idea if you each give your IC permission to talk to each other and compare notes. Doesn't mean they'll tell you what the other is saying, but both IC will be guiding you in the same direction.

She loves her job but she will continue to look and work on her resume.

This is just one of several areas where she needs to be busting her ass to make things happen. She needs to have those resumes printed off and in the mail. Not dawdling trying to decide which font to use. But you're right. It's not something you should have to push for. She should be doing it and be happy to do it, if it means she gets a chance to stay married to you for another day.

She tells me that she is working through the fog.

I don't put much stock in "the fog" that I hear so much about. To me "the fog" is just an unwillingness to commit.

including putting a project manager in-between them.

Not a bad idea for the interim short-term. I've seen similar approaches implemented when the WS and AP have to stay in the same job. You need to ask yourself "How do I verify?"

Yesterday I even had long stretches where I wasn't thinking about the affair

Enjoy them when you get them. It's OK to not think about it sometimes. It's OK to be able to think about nothing else.

I really do not want the mind movies

There seems to be two schools of thought on knowing the details. Some feel they need to know the details or else wind up torturing themselves with endless imaginings about all the disgusting things that went on. Others don't want the details. They don't know to know that their WS was doing things with the AP they wouldn't do with the BS, that it only leads to endless mind movies. That they can never respect the WS after knowing. Only you can say if you want to know, or don't want to know. I needed to know because I have a very good imagination

What other questions do I need to ask?

ICan, I am going to suggest that you take a day or so and a piece of paper. Carry it with you. Start writing down questions as they come to you. Ask your WW to also write down a detailed time line of everything that happened. Starting before she met the AP. Who, where, when. Who knew? When? Everything. (Except the gory details if you chose not to know). At the end of whatever period you pick, 2 days, 3 days, a week, whatever, trade papers. Writing out your questions helps you formulate them, gives you time to consider. Giving them to WW in writing may make her feel less confrontational. Maybe it'll work for you.

She's worried that if our sex changes, though, that I will associate it with their affair.

It might. Sorry to say it. for some, the hysterical bonding that happens after D-day helps reconnect, to re-claim what's theirs. For others they can't imagine touching their WS in the early days. Let your mind and your IC guide you.

Our sex sucked before though. I want it to change.

So change it. You are in control of your future. Remember that.

Is that too much information?

Share what you want. Hold back what you want. The more you share here, the more advice you get. Look at what you got this morning.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 10:17 AM, July 20th (Monday)]