SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you realize how toxic it is to keep secrets. You need to tell your children exactly what happened and how devastated you have been. I have no idea why you are trying to protect them from something their father did. You did not do this, he did. Furthermore just stop talking to your mother ot the pastor. People who lay blame at other peoples doors should be ashamed of themselves. Your husband murdered your marriage 11 years ago and never ever told you about it and has been paying money. Stop beating yourself up. This heart attack and your devastation all come from the same place. He cheated and lied for 11 years. You did not.

I don't mean to keep posting, but I have no allies. My best friend told me that men aren't as strong as women. That I could bear much more pain than my husband could. Says I should have returned home once I saw he wasn't coping well. And I have to be honest, I did sleep with him twice during the seperation. But he knew the conditions. He knew I wasn't coming home. He knew I was gonna file for divorce. My best friend says that by sleeping with him, I silently breached the separation contract. Did I??

@cooley. How do I tell them that their dad did something this horrid??? I don't want to hurt them or taint their relationship with him simply because he mistreated me. He's been a real good dad and provider. It will shatter them.

Men may have been doing it since the beginning of time, but TIME IS UP! No more lies! Not from him, not from YOU to protect him! Do you want your daughters to go through this? Do you want your sons to think they can get away with it? A new day is coming, and it needs to start with YOU. You are a STRONG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN who deserves to live with integrity. CHIN UP and keep moving forward and tell YOUR TRUTH to everyone, and let him own the consequences.

Your pastor knew the situation and he's blaming you for your husband's heart attack????

You need to get rid of this pastor as he is NOT a man of god AND I would go to him and ask him if Jesus would do what he did to you (accused you AND judged you)?

MrsA, I'm sorry that the people around you have chosen the side of a lying cheat over you. It's not fair. It's not right. And I can guarantee you that there are so many other people out there who disagree with your mother, your sister, and your friends. Can you get into IC and find someone who is on YOUR side for once?

Also, this isn't about protecting your STBXWH anymore with regards to your kids. It's about protecting YOU and YOUR relationship with them. This isn't about you tainting their relationship. Your WH did that all on his own. Do you really think they will never find out on their own one day? What if these potential kids come knocking on the door to meet him or they message your kids on Facebook because they want to meet their half siblings? And then you would have allowed your relationship with them to be stressed for nothing. You have to tell them so that you can stop taking the bullets for your WH. HE doesn't deserve it. HE doesn't deserve such a kind wife like you.

I am in my late 60s so am probably close to your mother’s age. But I swear I’d like to slap her silly for her HORRIBLE comments to you. That attitude that we women just need to accept men being cheaters is WRONG!!!

[This message edited by KnowOneSpecial at 7:07 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Thanks. It feels good to hear responses that don't crucify me. I just feel horrible right now. Guys, I tried. I tried so hard to forgive his deceit. Once I saw I couldnt, I seperated. I've been open and honest all the way through. He's been more honest and supportive while we were seperated. I just feel so bad....I'm still I counseling , but I've missed a few since his heart attack. I've literally not left his side. He's doing well, Physically. Mentally, he's hoping I'll change my mind and stay now. Im.an emotional wreck but, I'm actally considering staying with him now.

Mrs A,

I don't mean to keep posting, but I have no allies.

Please post here as much as you want, a hundred times a day, seven days a week, if that is what you need. It sounds like you are not getting the support you deserve from those around you, but I hope you will get a boatload of it from the people here.

The first thing I want to say is this: YOU ARE RIGHT TO HAVE STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FEELINGS BY LEAVING THE MARRIAGE.

There is no question of that, and those who believe that it is are WRONG. I know they are your loved ones, but I feel so angry reading their ridiculous, undermining statements and points of view that I would like to tear them all a proverbial new one.

My best friend told me that men aren't as strong as women. That I could bear much more pain than my husband could. Says I should have returned home once I saw he wasn't coping well.

That's like telling a battered wife that a punch in the face is nothing compared to the pain of giving birth, so she ought to go home to the abusive baboon that beats her because he has no-one to make his dinner for him. Why the hell should you be obligated to bear any pain in this??? Because you are a woman??? Is that what women are supposed to be? Highly resilient punchbags? My God, that is such a dangerous and destructive outlook that your friend has. Why does she think your husband's feelings are more important than yours? That is one of the most backward, topsy-turvy, destructive points of view that I have ever heard.

My best friend says that by sleeping with him, I silently breached the separation contract. Did I??

You are not on trial here, so the question is irrelevant. Your husband breached the terms of the marriage, so your friend with an interest in contract law needs to rewind several years if she wants to make judgments about who breached what and when.

Mom hates me right now. She advised me to stay.

And my own mama says that I'm the stress that induced this heart attack. I just can't stop crying. It hurts so bad. Mama knows I love him. She knows how much I hurt after this affair. She knows I wouldn't hurt my husband. She knows ME. yet she thinks I streseed him into a heart attack. My husband had to pull my mother to the side and ask her not to say anything else to me. And she's like, "even after you've given him a heart attack hes worried about your feelings. He's a good man. You don't deserve him"

Your Mama needs to stop using you like a punchbag, and do something better with her time. HE caused this situation, you just extricated yourself from it. Your husband had to pull her over because he seems to be one of the few people involved who knows how badly you were treated, how much you suffered, and that you had every right to respond the way you did.

Mama says men have been cheating since beginning of time.

And it has been wrong since the beginning of time, and the women they cheated on have had the right to remove themselves from abusive situations since the beginning of time. Murder has gone on since the beginning of time, but does that make it acceptable? That statement is just nonsense, and I am struggling to believe that people can say something like that seriously. Your Mama's attitude seems to be that you, or maybe all women, are supposed to be passive victims of abuse and deceit, and just accept whatever crap gets thrown at them. Stand by your man, even if he steps out on you. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

In a tale where so many deeply flawed and wrong statements have been made, there is one completely right thing that shines out like a beacon in the night, and it was you that said it:

11 years of deceit was too much. I am not a monster for leaving.

That, right there, is the truth. Even if those around you cannot see it, and worse, are not offering the support that you deserve, that does not in any way change the truth of what you said right there.

You are a kind, loving, compassionate, decent woman, Mrs A. You should have been cherished for that, celebrated for it, and treated with the utmost love and respect. You were not. You were treated so badly that you felt you just couldn't stay any longer. Nobody here thinks you were wrong for that, and neither should you.

That you have moved back in to care for the husband who abused you speaks volumes about you, so while those around you are wasting their time being negative, I want to tell you how impressed I am with the strength you have shown throughout your ordeal, including the strength it took to leave, and also with the compassion you are now showing to your husband.

If the other women around you make a virtue out of victimhood, so be it. Let them wear dark glasses to church to hide the black eyes they feel a woman deserves to receive. You were born to be more than a victim, and I hope you will never, ever let any of them convince you otherwise.

You, Mrs A, are a treasure.

Mama is so different from me. She thinks I've had enough time to "get over it" she wants me to pick up and move on like it didn't happen. I know she feels I'm weak, but she hasn't said it. Her anger towards me hurts so bad. I feel like a child being scolded. Both my sisters are widows. They feel like life is too short for me to spend pouting about his affair. Then he had this heart attack. They really became hostile with me after that. I'm trying to piece this mess together. I'm so tired of hurting..

I'm so sad you don't have anyone on YOUR team. Everyone is on Team Selfish or Team "Marriage." You didn't have a marriage. Your husband committed physical and FINANCIAL infidelity for ELEVEN YEARS. Obviously you know that, but if I were you, I would be so mad about the money. The money that could have gone to your kids' college funds. Or a vacation. That's just as bad as the sex, so your Mama can shove it.

Don't stay because you are guilted and manipulated into doing so. Do something for yourself FOR ONCE. You are stuck in the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That's why you're considering staying. Your husband is not physically and financially abusing you, it's emotional abuse. You deserve better. I promise you.

It's telling you chose "Mrs. Ashamed." I bet you've felt you had to be perfect your whole life. So much so that something so far beyond your fault is still something you're ashamed of. You're ashamed of your husband's mistakes. You exist for other people, why aren't you Mrs. PROUD I WAS LOYAL AND STRONG? Because that's all you've done. Seriously, do something that's best for you - not the marriage, not your family, not your husband. YOU. Shine up that spine. Don't bend over to the pressure.

Non of us know the kind of religion you practice but the Bible allows for divorce because of adultery. If your mother and your pastor and others are trying to tell you what to do then stop talking to them. Easy as pie. Stop answering the phone, stop texting, change churches. If you know you can’t live with this you can’t live with this. Take a breath. You are not the bad guy in this situation.

How you tell your children is, “Many years ago your father had an affair and there was a baby. She claimed it was his and he paid her to keep her quiet. It was not just his money It was ours. It was a terrible secret and it broke my heart. Your father might have had a recent heart attack but he gave me one first. Maybe one day I can forgive him but that is a very long lie to keep from me.” They all need to leave you alone. Right now you need a backbone and tell al of them NO!! You have that right.

@tragicfarce. Youre right. I've worked really hard to be as perfect as possible. I don't let my family down- which is why it's so hard to accept how they're treating me. I feel a little better, but yes I'm ashamed of what he did. Even he tries to explain that I'm a completely innocent victim and shouldnt feel any embarrassment. I just feel defeated. Looking at him in this hospitAL bed is just too much. I'm at my breaking point....I keep thinking our vows were till death do us part....I walked away.but he hurt me sooooo bad. The bible justifies divorce when adultery is committed. I'm not a monster for walking away. I'm not a monster fir walking away. His deceit pushed me away. I didn't want to end my marriage...I swear, leaving was hard and it took me months!!! I tried to forgive the lies. I tried. I tried so hard. The month we seperated was the most peace ive had in a long time. I'm not a monster for walking away...I keep telling myself this, but I feel like a monster!!!

YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER!!

But a lot of people around you are.

Mrs.A (I’m going to pretend the A is for awesome or ass-kicker), I think you are deeply enmeshed with your family and they are suppressing your desire to leave for fear of not having their scapegoat/caretaker/perfect family image in tact. You leaving would rock the boat - they were happy with the secrets, you were happy when they were secrets, why can’t we just go back to that? Well, you can’t unring a bell. You can’t go back. Your husband is not supporting your recovery. You’re not going to heal this way, you’re just letting them bandage you up with no care.

Take the FOG more seriously - they control you through fear, obligation, and guilt. When you feel the pull of manipulation, something that goes against that little voice in your head, ask why am I making this choice? Am I afraid of someone’s reaction? Do I feel obligated to him? You feel like a monster out of guilt.

I strongly recommend addressing the emotional abuse and enmeshment in therapy beyond the context of infidelity.

But if you want to stay, stay! Just for the right reasons. It doesn’t sound like you have good reasons to stay.

[This message edited by TragicFarce at 6:54 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

Mrs. A

I haven't posted before, but have followed your tale all the way. Almost everyone that posts here gets advice about how to handle the wayward spouse in the way of actions. Look for remorse, monitor their phones, total transparency, no contact with their AP, and on and on. The part that we can do little to help with is your acceptance of the affair and lies. That is a personal matter that falls totally on you. You must put away the mind movies, broken dreams, loss of trust, everything that comes with the affair and move on. Or, in some cases, you are unable to do that because the hurt and betrayal is too much and you need to clear the slate and create a new life. I'm sorry we can't help with that.

As to the other people, it's quite easy for them to say "get over it" because they haven't been there. Many of them want to help, but can't think of any real answer except if you would just get over it all would be well. That's no answer. That's the difference between them and the people here.

You said you always put your husband and children first and, I suspect, everyone else first. Maybe, a people pleaser? Now you have found that it is not reciprocated and it's time for you to just look out for you. Reading you here I feel you have the strength to do that.

You first, except for the children. Your husband needs to do the right thing and be the one to tell them about his affair and how he is the one that has destroyed the marriage. I assume they are old enough to know.

He called me. When he was hAving the heart attack. He was like " baby, my chest hurts really bad. Feels like someone is sitting on it" my first thought was maybe he's lyin to get me over there. I shouldn't go. But i decided to check it out and drive over immediately. I keep thinking, what if I hadn't gone over to see about him???) Why is he calling me instead of 911??? He used to be my best friend, or so I thought. Does he still consider me his best friend?? I can't eat or sleep. He's all I think about...Did I do everything I could? I have so many doubts now...11 years of deception..yet you claim to love me more than life itself. .can I get past that?? If I channel all my energy and focus to getting past his 11 years of lying??would it work??? Could I do that??? Perhaps I didn't try hard enough...I don't know if I have the strength to leave him again, not after this. But I fear I can never be happy with him again ..am I so wrong to want happiness for me??? Oh my God, this hurts so bad..

Sacrificing the rest of your life is a poor choice. Infidelity can be a deal breaker for some people. Please don’t let your pastor or your mother manipulate you into living a lie.

Your children deserve the truth. Perhaps your WH will cooperate and you can both tell them the truth about the affair. Should they find out at a later date they will be hurt and angry. Secrets rarely die with us, it will come out at some point. Even if you divorce your family will have time to heal together.

Ironically, his aunt commended me for my strength. Says she understandsaid why I left even though she was hoping we could salvage the marriage. She says my husband confided in her a few years ago and she advised him to come clean. She says he was so sure he'd lose me that he wouldn't listen to her. She doesn't blame me aND let me cry on her shoulder. I asked her what I should do. She says she can't tell me that and that Only I know what I can live with..