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You mentioned that she’s a good mother.

Nope. Good mothers dont jeopardize their children’s security by fucking other men.

Get angry. It will help you. Doesn’t mean you need to divorce.

You can borrow my bitch boots.....

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 10:56 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]

First, thanks to all of you for the great coaching on all of this. Your help has been life changing and I'm certainly I'd be a much worse place today without you all. This morning we had the 3 hrs interview. Below is the questions that I chose followed by her answers. We went thru this in order, so shock came early but I treated it like an interview and just moved on...example: Did you have sex more than 2 times? Yes. Next questions. I new at the end we would get to the details so wait til end before you reply. Also, I'm not sure about the polygraph anymore because if any of these are a lie...the result could only be better than the actual answer.

We sat at the kitchen table, I began by reading the below script. I maintained my composure the entire time. She also just completed the Linda McDonald book on her Kindle so she started with "I understand why this is so important to you".

-----Interview-----

Consider this a contract and a final opportunity to be honest with me and yourself. Your honesty in this document is paramount. If anything is dishonest, a lie, important and left out then the consequence will be the termination of our relationship. This applies forever. So if I learn years from now that you were untruthful in any way on this document, or left out important information, I will no longer be a part of your life and you will significantly damage our children by deciding to not be fully open.

The purpose for this is not for me to know all the nasty details, I am going to ask them and I know it will hurt. The purpose is to determine if I currently have the entire truth and give you one last chance to change history.

I’m going to ask you most of the questions that confirm what you already told me. You can change your answer now or leave it the same. Then I’m going to give you this to complete the rest of today OR change any of your responses.

Once you give it back to me, you are committing that this is the final truth and there will be no “trickling” of additional details that I am not aware of at any point in time.

These questions will set the foundation for your polygraph. It is also likely that your affair partner will have a polygraph with the same questions to confirm.

During the polygraph, you will also be asked if you made any attempts to research how to falsify a polygraph, and your search history is recorded on your browsers and phone.

Example: Later I’m going to ask you if you only had sex 2 times. If you stick to that, we will find out the truth. If that is the truth, you will pass. If you fail, this is over and you lost your final chance to be truthful.

Complete honesty is the first step in healing for our family, please remember that with each question. You should list facts, not your emotions.

These questions are intentionally in no particular order.

If you say that you “don’t remember”, but you actually do and don’t want to share, please remember that the poly will detect that in you, and him.

1. Remembering ALL of your messaging, and imaging that I have it all, did you instigate any of the physical meetings regardless if any touching was involved? Ie Was it ever your suggestion to meet?

A: Mutual, at least one time I suggested to meet.

2. You consistently hid your phone and pin from me. If I had it, and all the messages were there, what was the top 3 most sexual things that you replied back to him with?

A: “Can’t wait to see you” while on the way to meet him

3. After discovery and you texted him, I’m worried etc. What did you mean by “we will talk”? To which he replied “That doesn’t sound good”. Why did you immediately delete the message? Who was the person you were most worried would find it?

A: I wanted to talk to end the relationship now that is was discovered and “my life was fucked”

4. Did you use any other apps then Instagram and text to communicate privately?

A: No other apps, be we talked and voicemails

5. Was any of the private contact ever in my car or your car?

A: No

6. How many times were you sexually together (includes any contact ie kissing)?

A: 10 +-2. First was week of 4/11 in the afternoon. I will tell you about every time.

7. Do you feel you were the sexual aggressor for any of the meetings, was he, or mutual? List any facts that describe why you feel that way.

A: It was mutual, sometime I was. “Give me an example” – I have leaned in to kiss him first.

8. Was there any (including touching, kissing, groping, slapping ass..anything) sexual activity at our house? Describe:

A: Yes, we had sex in the mudroom one time and you were in the house

A: We also had sex in our master show while you were traveling out of town

9. Was there ever a visit at our house, or his house, café, restaurant, spin class or anywhere that was without me knowing and not listed below?

A: No, all visits were for a single purpose. Sex.

10. How many TOTAL times did you have intercourse with this person in your lifetime? If it was 2 times in the same visit then that counts as 2.

A: 10 +-2.

11. Have you ever cheated on me in any way, during our entire marriage with anyone other than this most recent affair?

A: No, never

12. Did he ever put his fingers in your vagina?

A: Yes

13. Did you ever touch his bare penis, not on top of his clothes?

A: Yes

14. Did you ever touch his penis over his clothes?

A: Yes

15. Did you ever give him a blow job?

A: Yes

16. Did he ever lick your vagina?

A: Yes

17. Did you say sensual things during sex, like “Fuck me”, “you feel so good” or nothing at all?

A: Yes – don’t remember exactly but it wasn’t raunchy, so you feel so good probably

18. Did you or he remove your top, brawl or shirt, during any your sexual encouters? If yes, which encounters.

A: Yes – in the shower

19. Did he wear a condom during intercourse? The entire time?

A: Sometimes, maybe half. Did he cum inside you the other? Yes.

20. Did he only cum 2 times that you are aware of?

A: No, 10+-2

21. Did you ever have an orgasm with him?

A: Yes, at least 3 of the times

22. Did you have any sexual (kissing thru sex) contact with him the same day as your husband?

A: No

23. Did you ever worry about possible being pregnant? Ie monitoring your period? Late?

A: No, remember I got that shot in late April for my terrible cramps? That was birth control too.

24. Did you ever worry about contracting an STD and giving it to your husband?

A: No, but you did try after 7am sex w/him, then inviting me to shower thru the window at noon before aunt/uncle visit on the same day.

25. Did you have any physical contact w/him at or ever before St Pattys’ day March 29th and our community bus trip.

A: No

26. Did you ever have a private meeting with him on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday?

A: Yes

27. Did you ever turn OFF your Iphone location services while meeting so your location couldn’t be seen?

A: Yes, every time that we met

28. During the 2 times you sex in the car, was the position missionary, with him on top the entire time?

A: No and it was more than 2

List each time you privately met without me knowing, regardless of contact:

Date/Time: Place: What Sexual Acts Happened, during sex what positions?

#1) 3/17: Garage bar: Following St Patty neighbor party, when I went to sleep, you kissed only

#2) 4/11 Week: Grocery Lot then moved to hospital lot. Met at grocery lot to talk, then kissed and decided to move across street to a more secluded lot. Moved to backseat and had sex w/you on Top. Rubber was used.

#3) 4/24 Week: 9.30am while I’m on a business trip and after you take the kids to the bus stop, you were on your period. He stayed for about an hour, you started fooling around in the kitchen then moved to our master shower. He came in you from behind. He was here for maybe an hour.

#4) - #9): Before or after your workout classes you had about 6 more parking lot visits that included mix of 1 blow job, licking your vagina and all ended in sex in various positions. Rubbers were maybe used have the time because at this point you had your birth control shot.

#10) 5/19 (actual date) We had a party at the house and I went to bed after mid-night. I woke up about 6am to find you and his friend still hanging out drinking. U all were drunk and asked to join. I said no and went back to bed. After his friend left around 7am, you brought him into our mudroom and had sex standing from behind but did not finish because of concern that I and the kids were sleeping upstairs. No condoms and no orgasms.

#11) 5/21 Hospital parking lot, sex only, him on top

(on 5/25 we all got in my car with the kids (and him and his wife) and went to the east coast for the holiday weekend. He drove the whole way, you sat next to his wife in the backseats.)

I know there are more facts not addressed in my questions. This is your chance.

Is there anything you are holding back, leaving vague, not telling me, or already did that was untruthful that would cancel out this agreement if I find out later? Ie Is there anything you are holding back as you have been because you believe it will upset me more?

Freeform:

I was not worried about being PG cause I got the late april shot for birth control

I had orgasms during 3 at least 3 times

One the same day you had sex w/him at 7am but didn’t finish cause I was in the house, you invited me to shower w/you at noon.

You did well and it sounds as if she's really trying to do the right thing. Give yourself time to process all of the information. I'm praying for ya'll.

this is a lot of difficult information to digest. please take really good care of yourself. Drink water, seek meds for sleeping if you need to.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[This message edited by sewardak at 12:02 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

That’s a lot to take in. Hope you’re doing ok.

Great job!!

I know it was tough to hear but it will help with the healing process.

I WISH my wife would have been straight forward like that!

Great job!!

I know it was tough to hear but it will help with the healing process.

I WISH my wife would have been straight forward like that!

Ain't that a kick in the head.

So, take time to sort that out. Maybe more questions later, about motivation, desire, thought processes, intent.

Stay with it.

Joell111

Turn off the computer.

Drink a glass of water.

Go outside for a walk.

Take a drive.

Get something to eat.

Maybe allow yourself one beer when you get home.

Look to your kids.

Try to get some sleep.

Digest what you have been told.

We will be here tomorrow, as will her confession, as will your problems.

As usual, I think Bigger is probably right. We here when you need us and talking stuff out can be good but that may not be the best thing for you right now.

Ouch. That hurt to read. They always do but I think it's usually a necessary evil. If you are stilling learning and going for R your checking off boxes all the way as far as I can tell.

If you feel she answered truthfully that's a good sign. That she did answer these at all is also a good sign.

How are you feeling right now?

How did you feel when she gave you those answers?

How did she seem to feel?

Which hit the hardest?

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 12:20 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

When is it too early to have sex (not make love) again with you spouse after she has done this to you? I'm not considering anytime soon, I'm asking cause we did have a fairly active one....

Joel1111

From what I’ve seen there is a 90% chance that the BH will ultimately stay with his WW if they have a history of good sex and young kids.

D is my nuclear option. My parents are still together after 50 yrs, its in my DNA and religion (not super religious) but I believe in the core role of forgiveness in religion.

Joel1111

When you add the above there is a 99% chance that you will stay with her. Even though you will never divorce her you need to put divorce on the table to set the tone for your marriage.

I agreed to see if we could work it out. I should have postponed that for a few weeks, and got my head together first.

Twisted

I agree with the above. Always put divorce on the table even if you never intend to do it. Going straight to: “We can work this out” sends the message that what she did must not have been so bad after all.

You seem to have money. I would highly recommend seeing a lawyer and getting a post nup agreement while the iron is hot.

My wife is devastated, she talks about losing everything..friends, family, me..etc.

Twisted

Your wife is extremely selfish. It was all about her needs and wants during her affair and it still is.

You have also learned other things about your wife. You can’t believe her or trust her as far as you can throw her.

She has no respect for you. To be able to text the OM with you in the same room shows that she had no guilt what so ever. (She may feel guilty about the affair aftermath but not the affair itself) You also learned that sex isn’t special for your wife.

Since you’re going to stay married I would look at it this way. Your wife was your business partner that you trusted completely. Then you discovered that she embezzled. She has skills that help your business so keep her around but know what she is and protect yourself.

When is it too early to have sex (not make love) again with you spouse after she has done this to you? I would be doing it purely as a physical release with a hot woman, not someone that I love. Almost like I'm using her for that purpose.

Twisted

About the sex. That’s one of the benefits of the business relationship you will have with your wife. Go ahead but use a condom.

Joel1111- Try to distract yourself as best as you can. Exercise helps. If you have trouble sleeping melatonin supplements work well.

Have you thought about looking for an IC for yourself ?

Joel,

I'm late to the party, but you asked about what to tell work. Didn't see a lot of replies to that particular question so I thought I'd throw my two cents in. After you adjust them for your own personal rate of inflation, it may or may no be worth anything to you.

When I found out, I told my boss everything, and I mean everything. I also told one of my team. That was the best thing for me. I was the senior lead for a very close-knit team, the kind that would hang out for drinks (or eight) after work (on the rare occasions we were in the same city), and I had a very good relationship with the manager, my boss. Between my boss and my #1 team member they covered my ass for 6 months or more. without their help, without letting my boss know what was up, I probably would have lost my job. Instead they (my entire team) covered for me, picked up my slack and did my work for months when I "had to step out for an hour" (which you can read as "go in the other room and sob uncontrollably" if you choose to), no questions asked.

My boss passed away unexpectedly not quite two years later and her replacement, well, let's just say that we didn't have that kind of rapport.

I started a new job with the new year, and in the new company, I am in my former boss' role (ie. I'm the manager now and report to the c-levels). Maybe it's because I'm still new here but I don't feel the same rapport. If i were JFO today I would be using the "personal issues to deal with at home" excuse and probably wouldn't choose to lay the whole sordid story out like I did.

I guess my point is, the answer to your question depends on your circumstances and your relationship, both up and down the ladder. I could trust the two people I told not to gossip, and to have my back unconditionally.

I would definitely tell the boss something, but what you tell is up to you, you know your situation better than any of us here.

Joel - I'm sorry that some of your worst fears have been confirmed. I hope you get yourself a counselor and start seeing him/her as soon as possible. You need someone in your corner as you wade through this horrible betrayal.

I hate to break it to you but she's still lying and minimizing. She believes that what she has confessed to up to now is bad enough to keep you from digging any further. When you are ready to talk with her about this again I would give her another chance to add to or modify her story. Make it clear that you do not believe she magically became a beacon of truth overnight after all the lies she's been telling and living. One more round of amnesty honey so you better think carefully about this...

She banged him while you were in the house?

Do you realize the amount of disrespect for you that entails?

She banged him while you were in the house?

Yeah, I thought the same thing. She gets points for being honest, but that is a diferent level of fucked-upiness.

[This message edited by twisted at 1:59 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

That was a most brutal post.

You are an incredibly strong man. Praying for you to find the healing and peace that you seek and deserve.

I know some believe that she is still withholding things, but even if she is, that was brutal. Does it really matter if there was more? She had no morals. There is no voluntary confession, no guilt to make her stop. Why wouldn't she do it again if she thought she could get away with it. No thought of you, or her family. It was all about her and what she wanted. Total Selfishness... No respect for you at all.. none.

I guess the bigger question for you is can you look at her every day for the rest of your life knowing what you know now. She has no respect for you at all. She basically played a game with your emotions knowing full well that it would destroy you if it was discovered, and chose to repeatedly continue doing it. It wasn't a one time drunken thing, it was many conscious decisions to lie, plan, cheat and repeat. She would still be doing it if she hadn't been caught. She didn't feel guilty and stop. She didn't love you so much that she was overcome with guilt and stop. Her confession had to be dragged out of her one little piece at a time. She did this to you without a thought for you. There is no such thing as it was just sex. That doesn't exist.. It was the thrill of sneaking behind your back, making a fool of you.

There was obviously an attraction that she did not want to ignore. She did this willingly with the total understanding that it would destroy you and she chose to do it anyway for as long as she could get away with it. She had no plan to stop.

This is one cold person you married. No heart, no compassion, its all about her. The only reason she is cooperating right now it because of what she could lose. Its still all about her attempting to salvaging what she wants.

If you can reconcile with her, you are a much better man than I am. I wouldn't be able to get past the total disrespect. I would see nothing but betrayal every time I looked at her and wouldn't be able to leave town for work without having panic attacks.

I feel for you, I really do. No one deserves this... I will pray for you.

I hate to break it to you but she's still lying and minimizing.

Unfortunately I agree. She had sex in the house while you were there and once more she says when you were traveling. How much did you travel for work since the 4/11? I would say that they had sex every single day you were gone in your house. She had sex with him in the shower of your home. Look back at her text that you caught them and what I said to that. She said that because she had done that before and that turned out to be true.

Once they had crossed the boundary of having sex in your house why would they go back to parking lots? If you traveled they had more sex. She doesn't seem to get the ramifications of not using a condom beyond pregnancy as well. She didn't care about your health! I'm sorry but there is still more and maybe you don't care because all of this is bad enough but if you do I have an idea.

If she is not in contact with the OM then he doesn't know this story. Work with the OBS and say something like Joel says you had sex three times in his house while he was traveling. Is that true? If he says yes then you know she lied and the number is likely higher than 3.

Your conversation had to be gut wrenching but I fully agree with others that in the long run you will be glad you did it because knowing the truth, in the end, is always a vast mental relief in comparison to always wondering what the truth is.

What I want to touch upon is the sex in your house because I suspect that maybe the hardest thing to process over time.

I know because I BTDT. I asked if he had ever been in our house. Answer: .yes. Did sex ever occur in our house. Answer: yes. Where in the house did you have sex. Looks at me like I must be somewhat slow witted and then: in our bed, where else would it be. And she saw the look on my face and I could tell that somehow, for the very first time, the significance of that struck her. Your W may be equally clueless about the psychological significance of that to you and the potential for the mud room and master shower to be huge triggers for you every time you get near them. If they are, tell her now so that she gets it. And google NY Times article “Don’t do this at home” and have her read it to force her to comprehend just what massive damage she has wrought.

I didn’t have DDay until 5years after it had ended. By then we had moved to our new dream home so I at least didn’t have to deal with still being in what I came to think of as the “fuck house”. I know you said you just recently moved in, but if being in the house creates too much stress for you, buy something else and move. If she whines that this is her dream house — too bad, she turned the dream into a nightmare which you are not staying in.

You are doing great. Stay strong for the kids and treat yourself well.