SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the years I've been here I've never seen a situation where there is such a perfect scenario for R....

She's doing all she can and you're doing all you can... I'm rooting for you...

I'm with WB here.

As awful as this has been, I think that her pain and remorse is more than I have ever sensed here before...and right from the start. I would be willing to bet that the depths of both of your pain are close to one another.

I hope R goes well, and I hope that something does turn up that your WW was the victim of something criminal. Maybe that scumbag can get his come-uppance.

Good luck to both of you.

Like my Daddy used to say, "all roads have curves". The OM may think he is golden, but I will definitely pay him back sooner or later. He will never draw a safe breath for the rest of his life. If I can't do it physically (which would be most satisfying) I will f**k him in other ways. He is already running scared. His lawyer called mine and enquired about what his STBX told me, and whether or not I will press charges. If he didn't do anything why would he be worried? This isn't over by a long shot. BTW, my wife is 100% behind me and is willing to testify for his STBX if needed. She told me that she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her, except me, and she will cheerfully spend the rest of her life proving her love and trustworthiness, so I guess I'm going to give her the chance. I know it is going to be hard, but R is what I want to do.

Ya know, I knew somebody who had something slipped in her drink and your wife sounds like a card carrying member of that club. Time frames are blurred, how one thing got to the next thing is unknown and what is actually what is confused. Like your wife may have mistaken the cuddling for helping him down the hallway or vice versa.

Finally, she had none of the hallmarks we all know here as a cheater. None. She is EXTREMELY remorseful, open, willing to do all and anything, told you from the get go, and is unrelenting in blaming herself...

Unrelenting in blaming herself...just like rape victims often do. And that is not good and as such I consider strongly that she was raped and help her to quit blaming herself!

Put a detective on this jerk and hopefully he will dig up something as related to slipping somebody something. And if not able to along with the passing the poly with flying colors, I strongly suggest you treat her like a rape victim rather than a WS.

Dont you worry about him, he'll get his. The karma bus always comes for those who deserve it!

What we don't often consider is that in order for a bus to run over anybody, it needs a driver. And I think Dead M may be a good driver considering this scum and may give him some knotty consequences that will cause him to think twice the next time he even thinks about it.

And if somebody had driven the bus before my OW got to me she may have not gotten to me and I like to think my driving skills may have saved others from her in the future.

ETA: Dead M, you might want to go to a rape victim's support site and look particularly into those who were slipped something and see how it relates to your wife's situation.

[This message edited by seriouslylostit at 3:52 PM, August 15th (Monday)]

I don't believe your wife was slipped a date rape drug. I've known two people who had this happen to them and the drugs took affect very quickly (no way they could have helped somebody up to their room) and neither of them can remember a single thing about that night. They certainly were in no shape to get up, check out and go to another hotel. I can, however, believe alcohol played a part in your wife's choices that night.

Great news on the poly.

Lies hurt - You are describing roofies but that's not the only thing that could have been slipped into her drink and not the only drug used for rape. And the helping him down the hall - yeah she may have that wrong due to whatever could have been slipped. And the timeframes as well, when she checked out - also could be wrong due to a drug.

She is just so not WS. Not what we are used to seeing here and I fear that if in the face of nothing else to go on she could go suicidal being seen as a WS and berating herself and having to work hard to "prove". It's better to err on the side of caution.

Lies hurt - You are describing roofies but that's not the only thing that could have been slipped into her drink and not the only drug used for rape. And the helping him down the hall - yeah she may have that wrong due to whatever could have been slipped. And the timeframes as well, when she checked out - also could be wrong due to a drug.

No, she said she remembered everything, including getting into bed to snuggle with the guy. She just couldn't say when they went from snuggling to having sex. She even volunteered to get hotel receipts to validate the times she said she checked out of her hotel and into the other one. She was clear about those times as well.

That doesn't sound like somebody who was drugged to me, even if it was something other than a roofie. As I said, I believe alcohol did play a part in her willingness to have sex with the guy. I just do not believe this is a case of assault.

Well he did mention some legal action he and his wife could take per speaking to other BS. What else could it possibly be?

Let me make something clear, this story is what she told me and what she remembers. But if she was drugged or very drunk, it might not have happened that way. Instead of her helping him, it might have been him helping her. Instead of cuddling, he might have been taking her panties down or rubbing her body, (damn.... this is very unpleasant to talk about)Her preception of what happened is way different from what the OM said to my investigator, but the OM refused to take a polygraph, too. The person who administered my wife's poly was one of the best in the business, and he said categorically that she was NOT lying about anything. My investigator also talked to the night clerk at the hotel and he stated for the record that my wife was extremely agitated and weeping when she checked out and he called her cab for her. He also said that she appeared to be drunk or drugged, and he asked her repeatedly if he could help, but she refused. The clerk at the other hotel remembers the same thing. I have spent a good deal of money investigating this, and am getting very close to the truth.

I would certainly hate to be the one to doubt whether someone was unknowingly influenced by a substance and subsequently assaulted based on the small amount of info we at SI know about this. Dead M, I think you are getting good advice to treat your W as a victim unless you find otherwise. You can always be pissed if it turns out she wasn't 'altered' but you can't undo not supporting her if she was.

Even if the guy did something like request everclear in her drink w/o her knowing, she would have quickly lost her ability to handle herself and not later know why.

I was slipped something once and I think it backfired on the dude because I puked all over everything!

I also know of another rape victim who was drugged (Her partner was also drugged and had to watch the whole thing). In this case the woman remembered what was going on,but was powerless to move much or fight him off. There are obviously a lot of different drugs out there that can affect people in different ways.

Be assured that I will get to the bottom of this, but for the time being, I allowed her to come home, although she will sleep in the spare bedroom for a while. Her counselor called me and said that she (counselor) believes that my wife may have been drugged , also, but that is from only 4 sessions, so it is a preliminary opinion. My wife is in therapy 3 times a week, until the crisis is past. The counselor says that my wife isn't suicidal as yet, but very close, and needs a lot of monitoring and care. I asked if she needed to be hospitalized, but the counselor said no, that being with family and working, is good therapy. Last night she sat on my lap until she fell asleep and thanked me at least a dozen times for not leaving her and letting her come home. IDK what the truth is, but I will get it if it takes me the rest of my life.

If I find out that she was indeed drugged, how will I forgive myself for the way I've treated her? The emotional steamroller goes on and on.

DM - I've just read through this thread and wanted add my voice.

1. If it reall turns out she was druged - You can feel tons of sympathy to your wife but you have nothing to feel bad about the way you treated her! You did the best you could with the information you had available. You did all the right things: got yourself away to prevent conflict, found support, looked for information.... you did good!

2. Like others have said - look around at the other stories here - I would trade my wife for yours sight unseen and my wife is hot - but she is also a liar. We just past 3 years since d-day and she's still lying. (long story)

3. Aren't you glad you didn't go to Jamaica?

Like I said. You did good. Sounds like BOTH of you did real good.

Good luck to you two!

Dead M

If I find out that she was indeed drugged, how will I forgive myself for the way I've treated her?

I want to repeat something I said earlier.

I think forgiveness and reconciliation are out of the question because I am convinced your WIFE DID NOTHING WRONG.!

I think it is a mistake to think in these terms. She needs your love and support. She needs you to step up for her. I know you are hurt and angry but I believe that your response now will determine the fate of your marriage. You are clearly a strong person but I believe you will show true courage if you put aside your own feelings and work to help her through this.

If I were in your shoes I would be so happy to discover I had a faithful, loving partner.

Treasure what you have. Treat her as a victim of a horrible attack and help her through this. She so obviously loves you and deserves your support.

ETA

I allowed her to come home, although she will sleep in the spare bedroom for a while.

I think she should be sleeping with you. Please don't reject her.

JMHO

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:16 PM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

Dead M I'm going to echo what the others have said so far. Your wife is not acting like a typical wayward spouse, not even an atypical WS.

I have two suggestions for you, take'em or leave'em as you see fit.

1) Invite your wife back into the master suite. Even if you two aren't intimate -and maybe with the understanding that intimacy should wait a bit agreed to by you both- the comfort your wife receives could be very healing. Talk it over with her IC and see if she thinks this could be an option.

2) File a police report, even if they don't arrest the guy and charge him with rape, there will still be a record of it with his name on it and the facts of the case. That record and similar incidents could be enough to put him away.

Ever since you shared the details of what happened to your wife I've smelled a rat. Especially when his wife said you wife was probably more sinned against than sinner. I don't know what investigative leads you've followed but considering how ubiquitous security cameras are now, I'd be looking for some tape somewhere. Might be worth asking around if you haven't already.

I think the suggestions you've had about seeking rape victim support for your wife are good ones. Everything you told us about her account of events and her feelings and actions afterwards just screams victim to me. Consider, the events were traumatic enough to drive her from the hotel, not just back to her room but another hotel entirely. That is an extreme act for someone who is sorry after the fact for something they did, but makes perfect sense for someone fleeing in fear. Whatever drugs were used, and I become more and more confident in that scenario as I ponder it, some part of her fled a perceived danger. I sincerely hope you do get to the bottom of this and sooner rather than later. If, as so many reading this thread think, your wife was, in fact, the victim of a rape drug it is also my sincere prayer that you get to administer a curb stomping level reprisal to this man.

I wish you both love and luck

C=64

Dead....

Gotta add my opinion here....

I agree with Cee64D....

One thought.....is there any other evidence that goes along with affair behavior? Does the cell phone have numerous texts between them???? How far back do they go???

Looking back....has she disappeared for any length of time?? Say, a trip to the grocery store - coming back 4 hours later with a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk? Getting nails done weekly when before it was once a month???

Sometimes you have to look at what you dont see...KWIM?

Has she made any changes in her appearances??? My FWW started dressing alot nicer during her affair...

Did you know where she charged her phone....those in an affair will "hide the charger"....hell, they hide the phone....clear messages, calls, and FREAK if you even get near it....

Did she ever take the phone to the bathroom....numerous times a day??? Keep on vibrate - so YOU didnt know when she'd get a call???

Just something to think about, bro....

good luck man....

Bufffalo

I have all of her passwords and her cell is in my name, and she just met this guy at the time of the incident. She has never displayed any out of character behavior, but all of this was covered during the Poly. and she came away clean, there has been no other incidents or she has talked to nobody without my knowledge and I AM sure of that. BTW , we HAVE filed a police report, and so has the OM's STBX about an un-related incident, but there are other incidents that will get him, which I can't discuss. I also agree that she will come back to our bedroom, tomorrow night.