SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now I choose to avoid that behavior carefully that hurts her and I have my own set of behavioral boundaries I have set up to protect her (and my family).

Great. But, is she doing the same for you? Is she carefully avoiding certain behavior to protect you and your family?

Think about it. What YOU have discovered is self-evaluation and behavior correction to protect your relationship and family. How long did it take you to "see"? Now, how long has it taken her to see anything that YOU don't point out first? She is not self-evaluating and attempting to correct behavior on her own...she is just puppeting out what you tell her to do. That means she isn't getting it.

She should have cut the BFF out of her life...and as a woman with a BFF of almost 30 years, my BFF would NEVER encourage me to hurt my husband.

NP,

Here is my problem with the comparisons of infidelity.

You claim that financial infidelity was paramount to your wife, and you betrayed her financial trust. She KNEW how badly you hurt her with infidelity, yet she was okay bestowing that on you... after she had already experienced infidelity herself.

I am NOT trying to compare the infidelities except for how she was able to claim to be hurt so badly, yet do the same thing, in theory, to you.

You claim that financial infidelity was paramount to your wife, and you betrayed her financial trust. She KNEW how badly you hurt her with infidelity, yet she was okay bestowing that on you... after she had already experienced infidelity herself.

Quite frankly this is bullshit just like all her other excuses, to even put these two things on the same level is delusional.

I certainly hope to hell you wake up from your BS fog, and quit allowing her to blame, and justify everything instead of owning her actions.

Your kids are smack dab in the middle of this, and you are NOT showing them what it means to be a good husband by allowing her to shit all over you again, and again, and again. BTW - I already see you waivering on the Poly, tenatively, should happen, blah blah blah. You are too afraid to put your foot down, and say this is what we are doing, do it or leave. It's insanity.

Change the context. If your wife was doing something harmful to herself. Like oh lets say using drugs. At first when you find out you are dumbfounded, and offer support, and to get her help. Her response is it wasn't that big of a deal, it was a one time thing, it didn't happen that often, I can quit.

Several months later you realize that was just a song and dance, and she is still using. She is harming herself, and now the kids are asking questions about what' wrong with mommy. You tell her she HAS to stop at this point, but again she manipulates you.

(Do you see where this is headed). She is a trainwreck heading down the tracks, and gaining speed the whole time, and you are finally going to pull the emergency brake, and say enough. Stop this, and if you don't I will save myself and the kids.

IF you don't you only continue to enable her.

Affairs are very similar. They are destructive, and tear down the person who is involved, along with their loved ones. Eventually you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. If not you become this sad little codependent, weakling who is knowingly exposing their kids to an environment that is toxic, and even worse bound to be repeated, becasue you are so damn good at making it look like that's what is normal.

Wake up man. Put your food down. NOTHING LESS is going to make her get it. IF she even does. You deserve better, and your poor girls deserve much much more.

Quit accepting her blame. Make her own it.

NP5, the more I see of your story, the more I cannot help but think that this is not at all a revenge affair, but more than likely it is an exit affair. She is just too much of a coward to pull the plug. In the mean time, she can do whatever she wants because what is the worst that can happen, you initiate the divorce.

Perhaps the reason you are so afraid to initiate the divorce, take steps to make her choose, is because you know that it will really be the end. She has no intention of fighting it, except for some cursory show of doing so to ensure that she can claim it is not what she wanted.

I'm sorry NP5, I do think it is time to let this go. Divorce her. Work on you. Let her work on her. There is nothing to say that she might not see the light one day and become a healthy and safe partner. Perhaps you will still be available, perhaps you won't. But, living in limbo in the meantime is not healthy for you or your girls. Divorce her, go on with your life, become healthy and whole within yourself, and move on toward a healthy authentic life.

NP5,

How you can even compare financial issues with infidelity. Seriously....I hate to say it, but you are going to float like this until she will have no respect to you as husband and as a man.

Don't you have any friends around to help you see what you are doing.

Rafi,

She views it as reversed. She see's my financial infidelity as multiple times worse than her affair. I've tried to explain the why, how, and all about it so many times, I've lost count.

Tiger,

Prior to the affair she had grown distant and spiteful of past wrongs. A few months into the affair she raged upon me and her past issues something fierce. Screaming, raging, throwing stuff, breaking things... She started to divorce me as well requesting papers for separation from a lawyer. She told me that if she couldn't have her "friend" that we were through. My business was suffering and we were >100k behind in taxes. She was exhausted and so was I. Not to mention the 5 kids to shuttle around everywhere.

Compare that to now and we are so very much better off! No more raging, throwing stuff, she says she's sorry and it was a toxic thing to do for everyone. She is open and transparent as best I can tell, lately. She promises to be better and is seeing an IC about her anger issues and how to learn to get along with me better. She and I mostly are doing well and we are working through these things, paying off the taxes, the businesses are doing better and we are in a new house that fits us so were not tripping over each other. I know you all can't see the progress, but it's there and I am working through this mess. It is really so much better than it was!

My purpose of reposting lately was just to let you know where I was on my to do list involving the BF/Godmother and the polygraph. I have other to do items, but those were biggies. You all do give me lots of incentive to stay on guard, not rest on my laurels, etc. It helps me because my life is so, so busy and it pains me to keep pulling on the string and drudging up painful issues. SI and you all are required "exercise" for my heart and soul and mind. You say I'm passive. I know that of myself and that's why I come here to get some fire in the belly.

Tush, your analogy is very close to the mark. I do think she was addicted to his words and the feeling he gave her. I am standing up for myself and I will not let her have smooth sailing. I am trying to strike a balance between having her divorce me and me divorcing her. It is a narrow passage but I think we can make it.

If not, that is ok too. I will be ok without her. That is something I have resolved within myself.

So again, I'm going dark for a while -- I'll post on other threads because I'm sucking up to much oxygen here. Thanks for your help!

NP5

If not, that is ok too. I will be ok without her. That is something I have resolved within myself

Then quit tolerating that level of disrespect she is giving you.

You can demand the respect you deserve, that anyone deserves. Quit living in fear. It's quite liberating.

Notperfect5, I read your threads and I am fascinated by your behavior.

You posted in your older threads that there is nothing your wife can do to make you divorce her. Is it still true ?

I started reading this thread first after finding SI. Sounded like a reasonable man with good boundaries. Then I went back and read some of your older threads.

You are currently a broken man. Your wife broke and destroyed you. Your normal is so skewed. You wrote a letter to the OM requesting that he stop having an affair with your wife and his reply ? It made my blood boil. Even after all this, your daughter had to catch her having repeated contact with OM and reported it to you. That is likely the last time you will catch her. She probably will manage her the next time like she does with the other 2 daughter

And the most heartbreaking thing is, you are doing 90% of this sacrifices for your daughters and to keep their family together when it is very likely having the opposite effect on them.

The ones that take after your wife will treat their partners like dog shit. The one that take after your you will be treated like dog shite Instead of a honorable man, you come off as a weak scared spineless man with no self respect inspite of your tremendous sacrifice and pain. Whatever you are doing is absolutely not working.

recovering her emails and texts should be non-negotiable 1st step in R. She is still lying. How the hell did you convince yourself that this is R ? Without getting the truth from her emails and the texts, and without true confession, you don't even have a starting point for R. With your behavior, you are wasting your time, you are damaging your daughters perception if life and wasting the time of posters that are trying to help.

Atleast try going to a IC.

[This message edited by kimichi at 12:57 PM, March 31st (Tuesday)]

Power post Kimichi.

OK Kimichi, I'll take the bait...

You posted in your older threads that there is nothing your wife can do to make you divorce her. Is it still true ?

This is no longer true. I have accepted I may need to divorce her and I am willing to. I realize giving her a safety net like that enabled her behavior. I have told her divorce is definitely in our future if she doesn't stop.

You are currently a broken man. Your wife broke and destroyed you. Your normal is so skewed.

I was broken and I am getting better.

That is likely the last time you will catch her.

I will catch her if she continues in the future. Maybe not the first few things she does, but she is not good enough to hide it for any length of time.

You come off as a weak scared spineless man with no self respect in spite of your tremendous sacrifice and pain.

Ouch!

recovering her emails and texts should be non-negotiable 1st step in R. She is still lying.

I have all her texts. I have bunches of emails. I have enough and then some. I'm tired of reading them all and I got the jist. Yes, she broke NC a month ago. We had a huge fight over it and split up for a week and a half. Some of you may laugh at that, fine. It made an impression on her and me.

and without true confession, you don't even have a starting point for R

I do have a confession and it's very little physical touching (hugs) but lots and lots of texting of politics, food, culture, music, and a ton of XX's and OO's etc. etc. I feel I'm reading from a middle schooler's phone. I'm setting up a polygraph to make sure.

With your behavior, you are wasting your time, you are damaging your daughters perception if life and wasting the time of posters that are trying to help.

I value and need these responses. Whether they are wasting their time, I'll let them decide. You wasted your first post on me -- thanks and welcome!

At least try going to a IC.

I am, thanks.

Sounded like a reasonable man with good boundaries. Then I went back and read some of your older threads.

Thanks, I guess... Nice backhanded compliment! I did not have good boundaries--horrible ones to be honest. Now I have better ones, mainly due to people here on SI that have been beating me with 2x4 for 8+ months. I'll throw yours onto the pile here too, thank you.

np5, do you still believe that lying fully clothed, on a bed, in a hotel room and 'hugging' your wife could ever be (from memory) "the best day of his life" for the POSOM?

Thanks, I guess... Nice backhanded compliment! I did not have good boundaries--horrible ones to be honest. Now I have better ones, mainly due to people here on SI that have been beating me with 2x4 for 8+ months. I'll throw yours onto the pile here too, thank you.

That wasn't a back handed compliment. It hurts to see how much you are letting this women to abuse you. And to think you made so little progress after all this while and the number of time she kept humiliating you.

You still have very very poor boundaries. Probably it was 2% initially and now it is 5%. It is still very bad.

I do have a confession and it's very little physical touching (hugs) but lots and lots of texting of politics, food, culture, music, and a ton of XX's and OO's etc. etc. I feel I'm reading from a middle schooler's phone. I'm setting up a polygraph to make sure.

This is exactly why she keeps cheating on your repeatedly. She thinks you are stupid. And that is why she keeps lying repeatedly.I am not even sure how she can still keep lying with a straight face. This is not even up to debate. No, there is not even 0.01% chance that it did not go physical. Ever think how many time she was talking to him before she got caught on Skype?

Let me ask you one more question ? Would you divorce her if it went physical ?

Even your attitude towards her BF, I don't know man.. You know the answer if you give her an ultimatum. I would throw her out if I were in your position and she wanted someone like her her BF to be still in her life. Not only did she humiliate you by enabling her cheating on you, she insulted you when you texted her for help..

If that does not tell you about your priority in her life, I don't know what else will. I wish you had a good friend that could smack some sense into you. I know guys like you and it real life ...

Take care man...

Please start visting an good IC. Your heart is in the right place but you are terribly lost and confused. I think once you are free from her clutches(married or divorced), you will find much more happiness in your life.

OP Kimichi makes some very good points. Especially regarding BF and the trip. I would heed his advice if I were you

Well, you all were right. She committed adultery.

All of the words of advice and encouragement, over 500 pages, wasn't enough to get me to do what needed to be done. I trusted too much. I thought too highly of her. I loved her and I thought she loved me back the same way.

I was wrong.

And now, when she tells me that on 8/4 they had intercourse, I feel like the trusting fool.

When she said the words, I felt a pain. It was as if my soul tore and pealed away from my head to my waist. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

But after it was done, the pain and worry I have felt went away. It was gone--vanished.

But then I realized, so had the love.

Im so sorry,np5.

I think, in time, you will find that the actual sex is not what will continue to bring you pain. While, of course, that hurts...I think the lies, and the gaslighting she has done for the last several months...will haunt you.

Please follow through with the polygraph. She told you this, in hopes that you won't. There's more to tell. You deserve the entire truth.

Damn, np. I'm so very sorry.

NP5 - Damn, I am really sorry. TT is just a killer.

I agree with confused615 on both counts.

Please take care of yourself and your kids.

Divorce is expensive and with so many children it is really tough. Hard situation.

(((NP5 and kids)))

Do you think you might listen to us now? Nearly all of us have told you that there was more to this story. That you weren't getting the full truth. For the entire length of time you've been doing this, we've seen it unfold and we've felt there has always been more to your ww A than she admitted.

We've also told you that the relationship you have with your ww is toxic and extremely damaging to you AND to your kids. Especially to the kids who a)need a strong and healthy parent in this situation (since their mother isn't) b)are learning from you and your ww how relationships are formed and maintained and c)need guidance and help processing their feelings about all of this upheaval. You guys are modeling terrible behaviors and your kids are watching.

Are you ready to stand up now and say no more? It ends when you SAY it ends. The way I see it, you have some things you need to do:

1) Schedule STD testing for yourself

2) Contact an attorney so you will know your options

3) Implement some strong boundaries in your marriage with consequences to back them up and be willing to back them up if boundaries are broken. IMO, the BF needs to go, for good. She is not a friend to the marriage.

4) Make and keep the polygraph appointment- you deserve the full truth regardless of whether you decide to D or R.

5) Get your kids into IC, if not already.

Are you ready to take control now, NP5? You can't nice your wife into loving you and being faithful- you can't even nice her into telling you the truth. Be willing to lose this marriage and you might save it, or conversely, you might decide you're unwilling to remain in the marriage anymore.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:30 AM, April 30th (Thursday)]

I am so very very sorry.