SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((NP5)))

I know I was one of the members swinging 2x4's at you the hardest. Now I want to give you some support, and share a few thoughts.

1. Like I have said all along. NOTHING you did or did not do caused or contributed to this. These were her choices, and hers alone.

2. You are a man of honor, and have the ability to live your life with strength and dignity. YOU have done all you can do to save your M. She fought you every step of the way. You can walk away knowing thatyou have done everything you possibly could have to save your M. She took what was a wonderful gift, and destroyed it time and time again. YOU are worth more than that.

3. Regardless of it was the act of sex or the continued lies and manipulations from her she has single handedly destroyed your M. She has shown that she is not a person of integrity, and is NOT the person you believed you married.

NOW is the time for you accept things. No more blinders. No more "but if", or "Our situation is different" it's not. Simply put she is a cheater, and only cares about herself.

NOW is the time for you to ACT. Time to realize the damage she has done to your kids. Time to realize that YOU are the parent they can count on. Time to realize YOU are the one they need to emulate.

Time to protect yourself. She has manipulated you. She has abused you. DO NOT ALLOW IT A SECOND LONGER.

Please listen now. You tend to argue that you know better....You don't. We have been there done that. ...Your Wife only cares about her. NOT you. She will do whatever it takes to win, that means you cannot trust her. Protect yourself. Get a VAR use it with any interactions with her. I could totally see her bring up a false DV against you to make her the winner when it comes to custody.

Be smarter than her.

Be strong.

(((and strength))))

Dup Post.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 9:26 AM, May 1st (Friday)]

NP5, please, PLEASE, for the sake of yourself and your kids, see a lawyer before you do ANYTHING. I don't want your planned separation to come back and bite you if the ultimate decision is to D. Custody/visitation is often based on existing conditions, don't let her win by default.

It truly is heartbreaking to witness the results of TT. I truly hope she now understands the results of the continued lying and gaslighting. Maybe she will use this opportunity to come clean about everything and hope to put the pieces back together. IMHO, it's the only chance she has.

Don't put off the poly, see your lawyer about how a separation would affect your custody situation and get the D progress rolling. Out the affair. The damage to her business reputation? Not your problem. Her reputation at school? It's called a consequence. Get your kids FAR, FAR AWAY from this guy. Is their musical prowess anywhere near as important as their emotional health? If action won't be taken by the school district, please, PLEASE get them out of that situation. Can you imagine the emotional devastation they would have having to face him? She knew this as well, yet chose to continue the A. Speaks volumes doesn't it?

Right now, you should be living eating and breathing the 180. Worry ONLY about you and the kids. Don't let ANY amount of tears or promises of *I'll change* sway you from the path. There are steps and actions she could take, but that will be her choice and literally has nothing to do with the actions you must take.

Strength to you brother. In the depths of your despair, remember, we are all here, on your side, supporting and understanding.

Yes, I know. SHE'S READING THESE POSTS.

I agree with the above posts! It's time to act to protect yourself and the kids.

As others have said, she's probably reading what you post here. So I encourage you to use PMs with the male members of SI, who have already posted on your threads, to get their advice on your strategy etc. That way, she won't be able to see what you're up to.

So I advise you to stop posting your next moves here for a while and talk about your strategy in PMs/mails. But do continue to post about how you're feeling etc. (fully knowing that she might use what you write here against you in a potential custody battle).

Go see a lawyer ASAP! Buy a VAR ASAP! Expose the affair ASAP before she gets the chance to badmouth you to others about your affairs, your domestic violence etc., before she gets to portray herself as the victim. Like others have said, exposure will also help you to get the OM away from the kids.

Best wishes!

I'm so sorry notperfect. I can feel your sadness. Your wife has never exhibited an ounce of remorse, so I think your decision is a good one but I can tell that you have lost something very beautiful and dear to you. My thoughts are with you in your grief.

Likewise as Tushnurse said, I was very hard on yuo too but feel nothing but sympathy for you at this point.

You went above and beyond trying to make things better, even at the peril of rugsweeping the obvious. You did so much for your kids in this.

I would like to state a few things;

1) Financial 'infidelity' is an excuse for her to cheat. That's all it is. You didn't deserve to be cheated on and have every right to detach at this point.

2) I keep seeing this battle between "lies vs the action itself'. Some say the lies are worse, some say it's the physical or emotional act. I say it's both. I am of the cloth that the physical act is worse because I could never get over it or the mind movies. The act is the bagel, the lies is the butter. Without the act, you are eating a stick of butter. Without the act, there is no need for the butter. The lies are bad though.

3) She told you it was over if she couldn't have 'her friend'. She wanted a one way open marriage. Disgusting behavior that you shouldn't have been exposed to.

4) I am one against separation unless it is for your own mental well being and it is only being used as a one way pathway to divorce. Otherwise, it is giving her a Hallmark card to cheat without consequence and monitoring and it is only pushing issues off until some point in the future. I would advise against this any lawyer up immediately.

I would also take Hobbes advice and PM people without laying out details of what you are doing or going to do here since other eyes may be on this.

Good luck, bro

Right before she told me she had intercourse with the OM, I said to her, "Do you know what I believe you did, I think you had intercourse. That's my current belief. I can get over that, but I can't get over you continuing to lie to me."

This above all else proves to me you need to listen when others advise you to protect yourself. Find a good lawyer and follow their advice. I cannot stress that enough. It is a legal process and your lawyer's job will be to protect your interests. My own lawyer told me the one thing that made her job hardest were clients who wouldn't accept her advice.

Your wife is in a fog. Take legal care of your self. Wear a var.

"Financial infidelity" is buying the AP a present, a meal, or burning gas and putting mileage / wear and tear on a car to drive to hook up locales. I'd tell her where she can stick her bogus, blame shifting "financial infidelity" charge.

Financial Infidelity is much, much more than what Sal described. For example, if my husband ran up 10k worth of debt without my knowledge I would be devasted. It *is* a breaking of trust, and it can be as severe and heartbreaking as an affair. Being a BS does not give one a pass on betraying their spouse, whether it is financially, emotionally, physically, what have you.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 4:59 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Maybe so Dark Inertia, but if you get caught fucking around on your spouse, you've ceded all right to gripe about their so-called financial infidelity. The time to address that is before the marriage is defiled, not after. Or at least not until the sexual infidelity has been thoroughly dealt with.

This site is called Surviving Infidelity, not Surviving My Spouse's Irresponsible Spending Habits. Right now she needs to address her horrendous behavior, not try to shift part of the blame away from herself.

Maybe so Dark Inertia, but if you get caught fucking around on your spouse, you've ceded all right to gripe about their so-called financial infidelity

Strongly disagree. I will agree with the idea that his financial infidelity did not LEAD to her affair. She chose to handle her issues by messing around, just as he chose to lie about whatever their finances were. However, this is not an issue that should be rug swept. By saying that "hey, what you did negates what I did" it minimizes her own issues that she had with the marriage pre-affair.

I do agree that she needs to address her issues... I read her thread, and still feel she has minimized many things, namely the involvement of her children (no mention of asking her kids to lie on her behalf when one of her daughter's caught her talking to OM while overseas, IIRC), but if they are going to work on reconciliation and healing their family then they need to deal with ALL of the issues that the marriage had, before and after the affair.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 5:15 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Fair enough, but did he admit to financial infidelity? That's not a rhetorical question, I really don't remember if he did or not. If that's something that only she has said so far, then I think we need to take anything she says with a huge grain of salt. Her credibility is a little shot right now to put it mildly.

All - Leave Edith12's posts out of this thread. Let's get back to supporting np5, please.

np5, how are you doing?

NP5 has admitted to spending marital funds without consulting his wife, however, from his post (maybe on this thread or his previous thread??)) he does not imply there was any deception, lies or omissions. Granted we, here on SI, never know all the ins and outs of another couples relationship, but it is wrong to compare these in any way. There certainly is no causal link whatsoever. None of us are perfect. And unless you are a narcissist, there will be things we flat out regret, wish we had done differently, or even not at all. Every marriage has some issues and these are solved through communication and negotiation within the marriage. There is NEVER a justified reason for an A. The nonsense that a wayward uses to try and rationalise their actions is just that - nonsense, over inflated or, most times, invented resentments to build up a sense of entitlement.

NP5, you do not deserve this situation. None of your actions caused your wife to cheat on you or continue to lie to you. You took your vows seriously and defended your WW on here time and time again because above all, you clung to the hope that those vows had not been broken. Unfortunately, now you know they have. The pain is excruciating but things can get better. Start thinking about what you want from life for yourself and your children. We are all here to support you when you're ready.

Thank you all for your well wishes and comments.

I am currently in inhome separation. It is very sad for both her and me. We are both grieving terribly. I told Edith I was going to file for divorce and she was crushed.

To be honest, this latest dday was her doing what I asked her to do--confess. She did and now I am coming down on her. She is very upset that the professional recommendation of her IC, and her following it, has doomed her.

I feel torn between doing what I need to do (metting out consequences) and what I led her believe would be a pass.

I said I could handle an admission of intercourse. I didn't mean that our marriage would survive that admission. Also, I was overshooting the mark. I thought she would admit to holding him without clothes, not fucking him. When she admitted that I was utterly shocked and stunned. I trusted her absolutely and she betrayed me absolutely.

So here I am with a devastated wife who was on the path to recovery, sensing an opportunity to confess with trust she would be ok, and I kick her to the curb.

Regarding financial infidelity, what I did was very bad. I invested well over a million dollars without her permission or agreement. She had to hold down the fort with five children as I engaged those investments. Some have done fine and some have failed. I am an entrepreneur. This is what I do. But she has been exhausted and sick for many years and I did not Love, Honor, and Cherish her as I should. For that I am forever sorry.

I am going to sleep with her tonight (after watching Game of Thrones). We both need hope that this terrible nightmare well end for the better.

THIS is not on your shoulders. Doing what her IC said and what you needed is not a "pass" - it is giving someone a barest of respect so theg can make their own choices. Is she playing this "poor me, I told you and now you leave me" card? If so, what a horrible thing for her to try and do. SHE doomed your marriage by fucking another man. SHE chose that. SHE chose 1.5 years if LIES and betrayals. And now that she has finally said SOME (you must know this is not all), she is not poor Edith she confessed and was in R.

No. She wasn't ever working on R. She was working on going through the motions of poor her and let's just pretend this didn't happen while she lies and continues it.

My husband knows I will leave if I find out about any other affair. Sometimes I fear that keeps him in a corner of there is anything else to say , it certainly kept him lying to me for a year. However. I sincerely home he respects me enough as a person to not lie to me to "protect me" and is a big boy enough to know if I do find out and leave, it wasn't him confessing - it was him fucking.

We don't have to sacrifice ourselves and let people continue to destroy us just because they finally tell us how they already destroyed us .

This is not your doing, she always had the ability to stop this either by screaming in your face or leaving. I see you and your children as the victims. Things have been catered to for Edith according to you. Changes the children had to adjust to, hurt and lies told or disclosed. Are they in counseling.

I told my fwh he had 24 hours to tell me the truth or a poly would all that bought him was that I would not automatically walk out. Did you promise you would never divorce her if she told the truth. Edith is still all about Edith, poor woman had sex with someone lied and involved her kids, your making her the victim. You and your children are the victims. You need to be about taking care of you and your children. If you decide to make this work you can change your mind. But until your the victim and poor Edith isn't, affair fog and justification are just mist.

NP5,

Stop letting yourself get manipulated.

She is very upset that the professional recommendation of her IC, and her following it, has doomed her.

Really? I beg to differ. Remember this from nearly 1 year ago..

She flat out told my wife, "you can have this OM, shatter your 5 children, and throw away 22 years of marriage, or you can choose your husband, but you can't have both. You must choose one or the other." She went on, "you must call him TODAY and end it TODAY." .....Upon returning, she tells me she called the other man and ended it. ........I asked her, "what did you tell him?" and she answered, "That you have security issues and that our friendship was too much for your insecure manhood, and that this is your way of insisting on total control over me in every way."

She NEVER followed the advise she was given. And, according to her latest story, took the A to physical 3 months later. Please see this for what it is - blameshifting. Her IC didn't tell her to fuck the POSOM, she's still not owning her shit! She told you the bare minimum because the polygraph was coming up and she knew she would fail.

I feel torn between doing what I need to do (metting out consequences) and what I led her believe would be a pass.

You are being too hard on yourself. You are not in a position to make accurate decisions without the truth. You have no choice but to accept that she had sex with OM, but acceptance does not equal forgiveness, nor does it imply that there will be no consequences.

To be honest, this latest dday was her doing what I asked her to do--confess.

1. She chose the A

2. She ignored your repeated requests to stop

3. She ignored the advice of your MC and her IC

4. She chose to take the A underground and have sex

5. She chose to involve others in her deceit and have them lie and cover for her

6. She chose to use your children to cover for her A

7. She chose to belittle you and ignore your further pleas to stop & on & on....

.....she does what she wants to do, I'm afraid your best interests have never entered in to any of her decisions in the past few years.

So here I am with a devastated wife who was on the path to recovery

No Sweetie, I'm afraid her actions and recents posts do not reflect that at all. I know you wish it was otherwise.

But she has been exhausted and sick for many years

But not too sick and exhausted to carry on an A.

I am going to sleep with her tonight (after watching Game of Thrones). We both need hope that this terrible nightmare well end for the better.

Be careful you do not give her the wrong impression by doing this. Hope is okay, as long as there is a foundation for it.