SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Keep an eye on her....watch for depression.

She certainly hasnt shown some of the classic WW behavior...

This may NOT have been an affair...

good luck, bro...

Bufffalo

Dude...it sounds like you got your shit together...that's great!!! Keep it up!!

When you first posted, I happened to be in Ohio! If you knew then(when you first posted) what you know now....it would have been my pleasure to administer some "Texas Justice" to that piece of shit!!!

I'm going back next month....just saying

I know...It would be very satisfying to beat him to a jelly.

DM,

I triggered severely when I read this thread a few days ago, thinking, why can't my wife this remorseful? My wife has been very remorseful, but nothing like this.

You may never prove your wife was drugged. But still, I believe you would take essentially no risk assuming it. If drugged, she needs your support now more than ever. If not drugged, she is still a keeper.

Wishing you well.

Dead M

I also agree that she will come back to our bedroom, tomorrow night.

Thank you for saying this. I am so happy for you and her.

As so many others here have said - if only......

My FWH is trying so hard to be the H I always wanted.

But after at least 16 yrs of infidelity I am really struggling.

Good luck to you and your wife.

Laura

Dead M,

You are a great guy. Another thing to watch for is prolonged showering. When this all sinks in or she realizes she's been victimized she may become obsessed with becoming "clean" again.

As for the other man, Id really like to give him a kick in the nuts for all the women he's hurt. I hope you have enough to charge his sorry behind.

Good luck and definitely check out some rape support sites and perhaps talk to someone there to know what the warning signs are if she starts getting worse.

Be assured that I will take good care of her. With all of the information I have now, I can be pretty sure that she neither initiated or wanted any of this, and that she is a very broken and remorseful young woman. I also see what you mean about the showers, she takes one every couple of hours, and douches a lot. Her therapist says that this is a harmless practice, so soon after the event, but that if it continues for any length of time it might be a concern. Right now she really needs to know that she is clean inside and out, and that as the memory fades, so will this obsession. Just like her apologies (which she gives 20 or more times a day) she needs to know that I am sure of her remorse, and her love, for her own sake as well as mine.

Good luck.

Just a terrible situation all around. In all my reading here on SI, I have never seen a case like your wife's(I didn't even want to put wayward wife).

You are a good man. You have handled this as appropriately as anyone in your situation could---even better.

Someday---hopefully soon---the entire truth will be revealed...and either action or closure can occur. Keep up the good work, and keep a close eye on your wife. She has never needed you more than right now.

I also see what you mean about the showers, she takes one every couple of hours, and douches a lot. Her therapist says that this is a harmless practice, so soon after the event, but that if it continues for any length of time it might be a concern. Right now she really needs to know that she is clean inside and out, and that as the memory fades, so will this obsession.

I am no expert, but I was thinking:

In addition to likely sexual assault trauma, could this be a manifestation of worry over her unknown STD status after the unprotected sex?

I personally would suggest maybe she gets fully tested for stds ASAP to at least put her mind to rest now ( for what is reliably tested for so soon) and then another HIV test in a couple of months.

Maybe that could help.

Look after her mate.

PR

Wow man. Just WOW. It really sounds like she was drugged just from the bahvior - no blame shift and feeling violated are signs of trauma for sure and if the lawyer called that's a red flag for sure. Be sure, get to the bottome of it. If she was don't worry she will be able to get past how you've reacted. She will understand that you just didn't know the truth and the evidence wasn't in her favour at first. She will be glad that you see the truth now and want to try and heal as best a s possible. I would say that if he drugged her that this is full on rape and your WW(?) is not responsible at all. If you find this out for sure press charges and do as much as you can to get this piece of shit put away for as much time as possible.

I've been following this thread, feeling rather sorry for your W from early on. She loves you SO very much! OMG, I feel so very sorry for her.

Please, wrap her in your arms and just hold her. There is nothing more healing in the world than a long, engulfing, hug. You both deserve it. It sounds like you had a wonderful marriage, your and your wife's pain is evidence of that. I hope with all my heart you can get it back.

Scubagirl, I will do so. We have a room that we were planning to use as a nursery (we were planning to get her pregnant this year) and I found her in the corner, sitting on the floor sobbing. She said that I was too good for her, and asked how I could ever look at a whore like her? (Her words not mine) She promised to never drink again (I don't think alcohol was her problem) and on her knees kissed my hand and asked for a second chance to show her love. She has done this or something like it almost constantly since I've been home. I explained to her about the possibility she was drugged and she asked , "I'm not dirty to you"? I told her no, and that we would face our problems together.

There is a lot of focus on her perhaps being drugged, but at the very least it sounds like rape, even if she was not drugged. This guy apparently has been a predator before. My wife experienced a situation that sounds very similar to this as a teenager and spent years hiding her emotions and feeling like she was crap because of it. So even if there were no drugs used he seems to have put her in a position of vulnerability where she did not know how to react. If she said no and he persisted it is rape. I also have read this thread from the beginning and felt much compassion for your wife. She clearly has been traumatized by this and needs your support now and in the future. Therapy is going to be crucial for her to deal with the issues this has raised, most particularly the shame she now feels. And finally, I read some comments regarding exacting revenge on theis guy, but please let the legal profession take care of dealing with this guy. Your wife needs your support now more than any type of revenge, that will solve nothing other than make matters worse in the long run. Best of luck to both of you!

Even if she wasn't drugged this reaction deffinately shows she wasn't in her right mind. She is going to need a lot of love and support to get over this. As are you. But you can do it together.

DM, I'm just another long time member here chiming in to say your WW in no way, shape, or form resembles the average WS. What you are seeing from her - unprovoked confession, remorse, transparency, truthfulness, eagerness to meet your demands, real gratitude for the opportunity to R - none of this behavior is seen in any WS who practices deception or actively pursues an A. Trust me. Even if she wasn't drugged, I agree that she sounds far more sinned against than sinning.

Please support your WW in this difficult time as much as you are able. You have both suffered a serious trauma, and you both need support to heal this M. I have every confidence that that healing can take place.

One thing in particular - please stop allowing your W to refer to herself as a whore. For one thing, she doesn't meet the definition. For another it's just hugely disrespectful of her person. Please put a stop to that. She doesn't need to flay herself with that extremely hurtful word. If you tell her you don't want to hear anyone ever use that word for her, I think it will be an enormous sign of your respect for her, and that is worth more than almost anything to a wife.

And one other thing. I know how much you desperately want to feel in control right now. So tuck this thought away for sometime in the near future when the immediate crisis is over: She can never earn back your trust without a certain measure of freedom. A person without any ability to choose for themselves is not an object of trust, but an object of control. I know you've said you don't want to control her and I'm glad to hear that. Think it through - you know logically that she has to be able to make her own choices to be able to win your trust again. I'm not saying you shouldn't both go slowly, or that "trust but verify" doesn't work. But the sooner you can relinquish some control so that she can begin building trust, the better for both of you. I have little doubt that she will prove worthy of that trust.

Go easy on yourself. And go as easy on her as you can manage.

IDK, I have been second-guessing myself ever since I realized that my wife wasn't a willing participant in this occurance. Why didn't I get her tested for "date-rape", drugs, why did I leave her alone, when she told me aboutwhat had happened, why wasn't I more proactive about getting info on the OM? I have tried to do my best here, but I can see where I have screwed the pooch a lot. I pride myself (as an ex Marine)on my ability to get on top of issues, but I feel like I failed. My wife fell asleep in my arms tonight, and she looked so angelic that , for the first time, I cried. According to her mom, this is the first night she has slept without sedatives, since it happened. OK.....I will say it aloud, I love her so much, and to see her in such pain, makes me feel like a first-class SOB. I now know that she is a victim and not a cheater, so I'm relieved that she didn't willingly cheat, but I worry so much about her mental health, and I'm so filled with rage at the OM.

Starting "R".

Good luck to the both of you....i guess im an "old fart" around here...(going on 3 years now).

I kept coming back and reading your thread...something sounded kinda "hinky" from the get go... she didnt do any of the usual WS bullshit that we see so very often....

Your a good guy, bro....wish you the best....

Now i dont generaly advocate violence...(some day im gonna kick my FWWs OMs ass - just gotta make it look like he started it....KWIM?)....hard to hold back the neanderthal, redneck, biker, jock mentality...

May the karma bus hit that SOB.....then back up and do it again.... ...

We like happy endings around here - they seem few and far between.....

You ever make it down to N. Texas.....i wanna buy you a cold one...

Bufffalo

Thanks, Buff, I WILL pay him back, a hundred-fold. I don't know what form it will take but it will happen. If I could just get him out without witnesses, but that's unlikely, as he is already scared shitless that I'm going to do something to him. Right now, I've got to think of my wife, first. She is going to need lots of care, to get over this trauma.

DM,

I'm a rape survivor. When I was 17, I was drugged and raped by a family friend. I tried to read through your entire thread, but I just couldn't make it all the way through. However, I wanted to share some of my story and the impact of the rape on me in the hopes that your W can avoid what I went through.

I didn't understand that I was raped for a long time. I blamed myself. I didn't consent and I was only awake for the latter part of what happened, but I physically had no control over what was done to me. Still, I thought it was my fault. Within months, I was a very angry person. I withdrew from almost everyone and became a recluse. I was severely depressed to the point that I was suicidal. When I had to go out in public, I wore clothes that draped me in fabric. I stopped caring for myself physically. I didn't trust anyone and I didn't want to draw attention to myself or seem attractive.

I saw a counselor about two years after, but the one I saw had no experience dealing with rape or any form of sexual abuse. It was basically talk therapy. I did get through the first depression and I eventually started re-engaging in life, but I never got over blaming myself and not trusting others.

Fast forward 8 years later. I was a wreck. I had panic attacks, continued to suffer bouts of depression, and had a hair-trigger temper. I was nervous and jumpy. I could not enjoy sex. I had frequent migraines, intestional issues, and would often "zone out" when I was overwhelmed emotionally. I was constantly on the defensive. After another depression that was so severe that I could not even care for myself (I stopped eating) and would have killed myself if I had had the energy, I was admitted to a hospital and diagnosed with PTSD. By that point, it had gone on so long that a complete recovery was unlikely. Now, I manage my symptoms but I will never be completely free of them.

Please, please get your wife into the care of a professional experienced in counseling trauma victims. If I had done this, I would have had a very different life, and those 8 years would not have been the hell they were.

Also, the douching is not safe. It can cause serious problems for her healthwise. It is a common reaction in a sexual assault, and it is a sign that she needs treatment for acute trauma. She also needs absolute assurance that you do not blame her for being victimized. I did not tell anyone I was raped for years because I was ashamed and afraid of being judged. Your support and reassurance will help her heal more than you can imagine.

DM,

The constant douching can actually do a lot of harm. Also make sure she is not using bleach or scalding herself. Also another very common reaction. If she is comfortable make sure she isn't scrubbing herself raw any where.

I know its hard but tell her this isn't her fault, there is nothing to forgive her from, and help her to stop calling herself a whore. I know before you said you travel a lot but I think you both need each other. Is there something you guys can do together to help bonding and get her away from the shower? Maybe a walk or something?

I feel so terrible about her sitting in the nursery crying. I've done that and watched my dreams go up in smoke. Is there a reason she feels she can't have a child now? Is there a way you can reassure her? Tell her after she's ok again you guys can start planning again?

I was in bad shape after my "incident". I used to scald myself in the shower and scrubbed myself until I bled. When they got infected, it triggered me even more causing me to scrub more. I blamed myself, felt dirty, and WH at the time was just a friend and was dating someone else. I couldn't have sex without being intoxicated and spriraled down a really bad path. It really made having a relationship and intimacy hard. As strange as it sounds, I got a puppy and that's how I started being able to deal. It took WH a very long time to get my trust, but obviously I'm here and fighting the dark place everyday now.

If you need anything you can pm me. I do rape support group stuff now and can help if you have questions.