(((NB))) Hugs to you, and I'm sorry you are on the roller coaster ride from hell. It's just the way it goes unfortunately.
I also have to learn to ‘enjoy’ (couldn’t think of another word) how I feel. Even the overwhelming flight response i get when I’m anxious.
You have been heard, and maybe the word you are looking for is "accept". Learning to accept the ride for what it is along with the overwhelming bodily reactions is part of the healing process. It does not mean you have to enjoy any of it but just accept that they are there, merely facts of the trauma response.
I'm thinking of mindfulness practices where you are able to just sit and be with the sensations and feelings that arise, where you are the observer of all of it, even as you feel it so intensely in your physical body and as emotions. If you can separate a little from the sensations, then "you" as the observer aren't the same thing as your feelings. You feel them intensely, but they are not you. They don't define you. I hope this makes sense. Even your thoughts can play into this. Just letting the sensations/feelings/thoughts come, you can observe them, and then let them dissipate on their own. It's not easy work but it does help because it is clearing stuff out, bit by bit.
This is one of my favorite poems that says it all. I read it a lot :)
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
--Rumi
NB, you are doing an amazing job with all of this. Go easy on yourself. There are bound to be missteps and such. Keep doing what you're doing and be good to you.
And good for you for skipping MC! It's truly baffling why he wants to continue. I agree with others who have said he wants to look like the good guy. He strikes me as a very confused person.
Wishing you much peace and continued strength.