SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Come here when you feel you need a hug, a shoulder to lean on or a bolster (or a good laugh, some of these guys are hilariously funny).

We can give you suggestions, or examples of how things worked for us but ultimately you are the only one who knows yourself inside and out. Do what makes you comfortable -

I would urge you to see an attorney because as someone said, knowledge is power. You will come away with a much better view of what is going to occur. It will also help you plan for your future.

(hugs) stay strong! you got this

Newbeginnings, I'm proud of you! Keep your strength up! Keep moving forward. Today is a new day. You can and will get through this and will come out stronger than ever. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel. And once you reach the light, you will have clarity. You will ask yourself what you saw in this poor excuse of a man who you at one time thought was your prince charming. Your WH has cheated on your three times that you know of...who needs that??

My thoughts are to not to do MC one last time. I believe he already knows what your requirements are but I think what he wants is to work into the friends category with you because the two of you share a daughter together and he wants things to run smoothly. I don't think you need MC to figure this part out. I would call this manipulation.

Set your standards high of what you want and stick with them and don't allow the creep to dictate your every move anymore. You already know what you need to do but you are having a weak moment. This too shall pass. Ride out the emotions and each day they will be less and less. Stay strong.

I avoided MC this evening - he went on his own. So she had him all to herself for an hour. Lucky her!

My day was terrible to start with but has got better and better. Not sure if the thread on the women’s group triggered some thought today but i ended up in floods of tears on the way to the tip. All because it dawned on me that I wouldn’t be intimate with him again. I had clear visions of him naked in my mind (young and fitter version) and us having sex. Strange for it to have just cropped up. I told my auntie and she said...makes sense that. You’re on the way to the tip - you’re taking him there because you’re getting a better version to replace him!

He has defo put me in the friends zone, that is for sure. I have wondered for a millisecond if we were both in this already. But that’s stupid of course we weren’t and that would be making excuses for him! He may of been but I certainly wasn’t.

I’m looking forward to being friends with his mum again. I love her so much and at the moment it’s just too raw for us both. I’m aware that he’s her son. But one day we both hope that we can have a new friendship. Where we chat freely over coffee and cake and I roll my eyes at her messed up family (her words, not mine). Whilst I’m away from the drama and living my best life.

(((NB))) Hugs to you, and I'm sorry you are on the roller coaster ride from hell. It's just the way it goes unfortunately.

I also have to learn to ‘enjoy’ (couldn’t think of another word) how I feel. Even the overwhelming flight response i get when I’m anxious.

You have been heard, and maybe the word you are looking for is "accept". Learning to accept the ride for what it is along with the overwhelming bodily reactions is part of the healing process. It does not mean you have to enjoy any of it but just accept that they are there, merely facts of the trauma response.

I'm thinking of mindfulness practices where you are able to just sit and be with the sensations and feelings that arise, where you are the observer of all of it, even as you feel it so intensely in your physical body and as emotions. If you can separate a little from the sensations, then "you" as the observer aren't the same thing as your feelings. You feel them intensely, but they are not you. They don't define you. I hope this makes sense. Even your thoughts can play into this. Just letting the sensations/feelings/thoughts come, you can observe them, and then let them dissipate on their own. It's not easy work but it does help because it is clearing stuff out, bit by bit.

This is one of my favorite poems that says it all. I read it a lot :)

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

--Rumi

NB, you are doing an amazing job with all of this. Go easy on yourself. There are bound to be missteps and such. Keep doing what you're doing and be good to you.

And good for you for skipping MC! It's truly baffling why he wants to continue. I agree with others who have said he wants to look like the good guy. He strikes me as a very confused person.

Wishing you much peace and continued strength.

That’s a great poem. I have started gathering bits of information to help me focus at times of despair. Yeah more accepting the feelings and trying to detach from them is where I need to start again. Think this is something that IC and I can concentrate on in our next session. Lots of time is spent talking about the situation and his actions, when I need to let go and deal with my own emotions.

I’m having a collection of bad days - my personality is to worry about others. Which is stupid because I can’t change others or make choices for them, they have to learn for themselves.

This heartache is awful and completely debilitating at times. I fall out with myself for the way I feel. I have so much to live for, why am I trapped in these thoughts. I get that we are in charge of our own thoughts and have to act on them. But the surrounding world and WH has such an impact still. I feel like no matter what I do he’s still eating cake! I don’t get why he is accessing MC either. I would love to be a fly on the wall there. Let’s hope it is helping him (which will be great for our DD) and not helping them (which won’t be great for anyone).

Acceptance, moving on and rebuilding will be key to my happiness. Just want it to happen overnight.

That’s a great poem. I have started gathering bits of information to help me focus at times of despair. Yeah more accepting the feelings and trying to detach from them is where I need to start again. Think this is something that IC and I can concentrate on in our next session. Lots of time is spent talking about the situation and his actions, when I need to let go and deal with my own emotions.

I’m having a collection of bad days - my personality is to worry about others. Which is stupid because I can’t change others or make choices for them, they have to learn for themselves.

This heartache is awful and completely debilitating at times. I fall out with myself for the way I feel. I have so much to live for, why am I trapped in these thoughts. I get that we are in charge of our own thoughts and have to act on them. But the surrounding world and WH has such an impact still. I feel like no matter what I do he’s still eating cake! I don’t get why he is accessing MC either. I would love to be a fly on the wall there. Let’s hope it is helping him (which will be great for our DD) and not helping them (which won’t be great for anyone).

Acceptance, moving on and rebuilding will be key to my happiness. Just want it to happen overnight.

Please stop putting pressure on yourself. This is a process. There is no easy fix.....no magic cure.

Your world has exploded.

You are doing great. It takes time and you have to move at your own pace. It’s hard to understand and difficult to accept when the man you married, the father of your child is a betrayer of all you value. He is not who you thought he was...the man you fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore. That’s heartbreaking.

So keep doing what you are doing.....IC, maintaining NC, leaning on your IRL support, embracing the wisdom and heart of the SI community, taking one day at a time, protecting your child and you are finding the strength to deal with this nightmare.

Remember .....you did nothing to deserve this and you will Survive.

((((NB24))))

This place keeps me sane. Yeah I think I drive my friends around the bend at times. It is all I talk about over and over sometimes. But I’m sure this is part of the process of grief.

You’re right in saying about him not being who he was. This is the difficulty I have in my thoughts. Because I am so loyal and honest I am finding this betrayal extremely difficult. Everyone keeps telling me his behaviour is so out of character and he has made the biggest mistake of his life. But they’re obviously struggling with the real him too.

I cry and cry about the devastation he has caused and the impact on our DD. Patience is also something I lack. And I like to have things planned out. I just hope that the MC he is accessing will help him come to terms with what he has done to prevent any further heartache for our DD. It’s her birthday tomorrow and she won’t see him until it’s nearly her bedtime and her party at the weekend he won’t be attending. This is causing me so much pain. It’s his bed and he needs to lie in it but this isn’t the life I signed up for.

My mum has walked this path before and I have been so dedicated to my marriage/relationship for 15 years to try and prevent this. But feel like I have failed.

Life isn’t easy.....I get that. But FFS I tried my best.

NB, you have NOT failed. Your WH has failed. He failed to stay faithful. He failed to maintain a safe environment for you after DDay. He failed to consider you and your DD's needs over his own. He is a failure of a husband and any person in your shoes would have to get a D to save themselves. That's not a failure on your part. It's simply a smart, resourceful choice given how badly he has messed everything up.

Good point well made. He certainly has when you put it like that all together. Nothing I could of done to stop him cheating, blowing everything up within a second and then continuing on his path with OW and the pain that has caused. I’m not sure what causes the most hurt and the prolonged healing process...the actual crime or the time you then have to wait sorting all this out. It’s bad enough what DDay brings but you’re then held back for months on end until things are separated and you can feel completely free.

Let’s hope my next few days are good. Had some bad ones recently. But got over others before so will get over these. Thanks for the hugs and continued support. Nothing more soothing than someone walking your path with you, picking you up along your way.

Agreed with Neconamida... this isn't your failure. It's his.

You know, we only know you through your posts, but what's obvious is that you're an energetic, hopeful, empathetic, optimist who does her best. And even if that weren't so... it's NEVER the BS's fault. The choice to cheat is ALWAYS about the cheater.

You're having a number of sad days and that's NORMAL. But so too is situational depression as we process the grief of intimate betrayal. Just make sure you're working with your doctor to keep an eye on it.

((big hugs))

Aww they are such kind words. Remind me of previous posts were people have said really nice things. I’ve noticed my feelings changing over time. From complete shock and not eating and almost punishing myself to extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Now just depression I think. Sad groundhog days one after another. This evening a good one. Just finished sorting DD party bags and wrapping pass the parcel for Saturday. Nice escape from my thoughts for a while. I don’t know if anyone else has tried morning motivation through you tube but I have found it empowering on the mornings where I could just stay in bed all day. I also have a recording of my best friend talking through our happy times together and what she thinks my future will hold.

I have to accept my future life. That of a mixed family possibly and that of step parents and step children. Not what I wanted but not to say this is wrong. It might actually be the best decision he ever made for me. A new happier life.

When you say it's your personality to worry about others, that is only because you are a caring person which absolutely shows through your posts. I know you only from your posts, but your DD is a very luck girl to have you. I mean that very sincerely.

The feelings, thoughts, turmoil you're experiencing are normal and to be expected. Even being down on yourself at times is something BSs go through. For me, it helped to see that depression, anxiety, negative or ruminative thoughts, heartache, still caring for WH, feeling trapped/in limbo, are part of the fallout. There were and still are times I get down on myself for these things and it helps to remember that what you are going through is something MAJOR and life-altering. Your entire world has been turned upside down. Of course you will experience these things. Not to say it doesn't completely suck because it's the worst to go through and I'd never wish it upon anyone.

Have you tried keeping a thought/feeling journal? It was helpful for me, but I realize each person will discover what helps them best. I wrote in my journal in the morning after meditating and at night before bed. I did it regularly for many months following d-day.

Echoing what others say that NONE of this is your fault, not your doing. It's his wrongdoing. He is broken, changed, lacking, and missing something essential to have done this to his family. The more you can detach and refocus on things that bring you joy, that fill you up, the more you'll create little islands of respite.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. You are also doing very well given the shit you have been dealt. Your strength and caring nature shine through your posts. Even if at times you don't see it - we see it!

I have not tried morning motivation but will take a look - anything that helps is a good thing! And I love that you have a recording of your best friend talking through your happy times together and what she sees in your future. Sounds like a wonderful friendship.

I hope you thoroughly enjoy your DD's birthday party and celebration. Sending you warmest Happy Birthday wishes and hugs.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 11:23 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

We did thank you Burninghouse. Had a lovely trip out to play area/ice cream farm. My DD loves it there and it’s a nice familiar place to go and enjoy a new chapter in our lives.

You’re spot on in what you say about finding the things that help you get through this shit storm. I started a journal a couple of weeks after DDay and did this mainly to get ‘rid’ of my traumatic thoughts. These passed quickly and I was able to rationalise things better. I am trying to fill my time, concentrate on my DD and work. Plus emptying the house from clutter and selling things on eBay. This is therapy in itself. I never knew how much I liked to organise things.

My life will feel like it starts again once I’m free from WH and living my own life, away from him with no further risk to my sanity. I’m being dragged into his la la land and this is damaging. Each day I try and think of the simple life I have without him and how this will grow and grow.

How are you doing NB?

Hi Burninghouse,

I’m not good - had a party today for my DD. All my family and a few close friends who have children and know my situation. Felt like I’ve had a mask on all day. Until I couldn’t hold it in any longer and then had an almighty breakdown. Luckily when most people had gone. I can’t do this anymore. I feel fucking awful this week. I’ve not had a good day now for over a week. Not a proper one anyway, just pretend ones to ensure my daughter has a great birthday.

I just wish my anger would arrive and I could put my bitch boots on when it comes to my WH. But then I think, walk away, get what you deserve and don’t give him the satisfaction of any of my time and energy. I’ve considered today to get a new phone, different number and allow my mum to have my old one to communicate with him on my behalf.

I don’t miss him, I just can’t get over the betrayal and the way he has blindsided me. Everyone keeps telling me that it is shocking and completely out of character. He is a completely different person. Going out drinking, staying out late, chasing his own tail etc. I just wish he would vanish!

Hugs needed 😭

((huge hugs))

You know, they say that anger turned inward leads to depression. And like I told you in my previous post, it's fairly typical for BS's to end up depressed. Even if you've had a depression screening earlier, you might want to check in with your doctor again. It's normal to have bad days, but I hope you'll keep a wary eye open in case it becomes more than that.

((more hugs)) You're going to be okay. Believe it. Things are gonna suck for awhile before that happens, but you WILL come out on the other side.

Yeah the marriage counsellor asked if I was holding my anger in and this wasn’t good for me. Don’t feel like I am, but if so how do I stop doing this? I can only grieve in the way I am allowing myself to. But please tell me if you have any suggestions because I’m up for trying anything.

I’m seeing my doc regularly and have been given medication, which i haven’t taken. But happy to do so if needed. I see IC and have been referred to another IC once work one comes to an end. I’m running/bootcamp/exercising daily. Seeing friends and family as much as possible. Prioritising DD and spending quality time with her.

Well I’ve just had two text from him checking in on his DD! Shame he couldn’t do that last night when he was too busy shagging his OW! Well fuck off, I am busy on SI to reply!

Don't be afraid to try some medication if your doctor and/or IC feel you need it.

Regarding letting your anger out... If you're journaling, try not to censor yourself. No one's reading it but you, right? So just let ALL the poison out. Vomit it onto the page. When you get done with your entry, add some more positive things you might have noticed during your day. It can be really simple, something your little girl said, bird song, the smell of your morning coffee, just whatever you noticed that day which lifted you up.

The way my IC explained it to me is that by letting all the poison out and then following it up with something nice, you're training your brain to notice optimism. You're a naturally optimistic person anyway, so I think an exercise like that will help keep you that way.

Also... break some shit. Seriously. Even if it's just making up water balloons and throwing them against a brick wall. Get a marker and write some short blurb on each one. Concentrate on it, fix upon the incident... then launch that sucker as hard as you can. Get a punching bag and some boxer's gloves. Rip a pillow or a telephone book in half. Find some safe way to be destructive while processing your rage. Just make sure your little isn't watching. That kind of stuff is scary... and it defeats the purpose if you have to make a game out of it for her benefit. It needs to a time when you can let your angry face out.

((extra hugs))

(((NB))) Big hugs to you.

Chamomile has excellent suggestions! I really like the idea of free-writing and letting it all come out. Let out all the ugly gunk you're feeling - give it room to flow out on paper. Don't censor yourself one bit. Just vomit it out like Chamomile says. Once while driving I was inspired to scream in my car at the top of my lungs. I didn't stop until I got home. It was a good release.

I just wish my anger would arrive and I could put my bitch boots on when it comes to my WH

I remember feeling just like this, like when will the anger come? I didn't find mine for some time, but it finally came. And when it did it can be intense! Mine just came in spurts here and there at first, and now it comes a bit more regularly. Yours will come. I can hear some of it in your last post telling him to fuck off! This could be a good lead-in to your writing exercise... writing all the ways you wish he'd fuck off already.

You are doing all the right things by taking care of yourself and trying to find balance between distraction and being with your process. Keep doing what you're doing.

This process isn't straight-forward. It's completely non-linear and can be all over the place. It has it's own life. Just follow it as it comes, allow the feelings to come and go as they will. Try writing without censoring or screaming in your car or into a pillow whenever you feel stuck, but there's no need to push yourself in any way. It is not easy, that's for sure, but believe me all you are doing for yourself now will pay off in the long run. And your anger will come.

My IC said that anger sometimes comes when the sadness has been largely processed, although the sadness will likely circle back around. This seems to be true in my case. Everyone is different. It's a highly unique process each person, but letting your tears flow can help to clear the way for other stages and feelings to emerge. There's no right or wrong way to process, but wouldn't it be nice if there was a one-size fits all or some kind of definite a road map to follow?

Sometimes I think of it as sadness/tears putting out the fire of anger (which was frustrating for me as well), but that's why it made sense when my IC said processing the sadness makes room for the anger to come. Anger is a lot like fire.

Keep practicing the 180 with jerkface as much as possible. You are doing great. I know this is extremely difficult. You're going to get through this, believe it. Many hugs here for you.