SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wonderful, WONDERFUL Post! Spoken so well and it is all so true! JFO newbies . . . pay attention to THIS thread if nothing else! You will save yourself so much pain and heartache . . . and we have all had enough of that anyway!!

my number 1 ---wish I kept my mouth shut and followed him a few days---or had it done---there would be no question in my mind if he was or was not still with her or if he had ended it---

spot on--do not reveal sources---

I let him gas me for 3 weeks that it wasn't true,false R with the whole MC and all--he wasn't with her,but he was lieing to me---wish I confronted her face to face--and not called and tipped her off first thing---this gave her and H time to "get the story straight"--he denies it but come on--

I wish I had been a fraction as controlling and hiding as he was---I'd have alot more truth--and I'd have insisted on confession day that he start looking for the new job right then--not months later----no no none working with AP--I'd rather he took family leave for those months than have gone through him going to work everyday--it about killed me---do by all means go to the bank and take out the money and call a lawyer in case---but I wish I'd had him followed by someone with a video camera--and I wish I'd walked straight into her office for one up close look--and the day he said he loved her---even though it was one day--wish I'd gone NC for at least a month--I really do

Ditto what usedup said. I wish I would have followed his activity for a little while instead of confronting him when I discovered.

I'm 18 mos. out.

Katherine: AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,

AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,AMEN,SISTER!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by winky at 9:41 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

excuse my ignorance - what is "gaslighting" pls ??

Out the OP to their spouse, their job, their friends.

Do you all suggest outing the OP to their job? What if they do not work together? Make a call to their boss?

SS

Katherine - you are GREAT. Thank you for this post. It should be mandatory reading...hey, maybe it can be put in the Healing Library???

Newbies, please pay attention to what Katherine41 is telling you!!!! It's excellent advice, my friends. I've been 'at this' (reconciliation process) for 4.1 yrs.!!!! Yes, we're reconciled; but in hindsight, I wish that I had done some of what she's telling you to do!!!!

[This message edited by Ole Restart at 1:54 AM, April 21st (Saturday)]

This is perfect...hard-earned wisdom that can really only come from experience. I wish every new BS would really,really take to heart this post. We all understand the urge to save your marriage, but the basic point is that no marriage is worth sacrificing your core self. The sooner a BS can define that, the sooner the pain lessens and you find some pride in the most horrible thing in your life.

I love your time line...not applicable to EVERY situation, but certainly to most, and gives a framework within which a BS can make decisions.

This is awesome.

While I agree with our insight- my FWH was foggy for about 6 months. We are happily reconciled after 2 years.

Not everything is simple or black and white.

BRAVO !!!!!! Dead on , on every point !!!!

I didn't give 2 shits less if my H got mad at me for "snooping" or asking questions ...I told him , " IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THERE'S THE DOOR BUDDY!"

One of the biggest mistakes the BS makes is letting the WS see your "fear" ....I don't care if you are dying inside ...do NOT let them see fear or they (most) will use it to their advantage to continue the lying, gaslighting etc- ...

IMHO.

Great post.

A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

So true but so hard to see at the time. I was worried that H would leave after I confronted him. Well, he did. What kind of marriage, what kind of man would do that? One who didn't value me at all and had no remorse.

Katherine- What a great post! You couldn't have done better at expressing what I feel I learned about the whole dreadful false R process. I am 3 1/2 years out from D day and, except that I would still be willing to give it 2-4 months instead of 1, I agree completely with your list.

My own experience, and reading here on SI, demonstrates clearly that there are dramatic differences between WSs with whom there is a chance of reconciliation and those who have no intention of doing what is necessary to heal the marriage. And frankly, I agree that after a period of time measured in a few months, not years, it is clear which class a WS falls into.

I have read so many posts here from people who have been reconciling for years, and it is clear as a bell that they aren’t reconciling at all, they are simply enabling the emotionally stunted to continue to run amok. Following the points you make would save so much heartache and strife. Well done.

What a great post. I'd just add this: Tell everybody. An affair only works when it's a secret. You'll find lots of support and the WS will find lots of disapproval, both of which help. Don't be embarrassed about it - you're not the one who did something wrong.

Oh, and don't ever forget - if you choose to R, you're doing him a FAVOR, not the other way around!

[This message edited by pseudonym at 1:58 PM, April 22nd (Sunday)]

Outing the OP to his or her job applies in many, but not all situations.

Where it helps: co-workers; when the WS or the OP is a customer's employee; in service industry, where such very personal "servicing" is not contemplated or is taboo (police, doctors, healthcare professionals). It also helps in situations where the OP has been using company time and/or products to pursue the affair.

[This message edited by katherine41 at 9:58 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]

This advice is information for which katherine41 had paid in blood and tears.

It is wise. It is thoughtful. It is compassionate.

And I believe it belongs in the Healing Library.

Katherine41:

Fantastic post, I too wish I had followed the advice in there. I did most of it, but the timeline was much longer - something that might now mean the end of us.

Thank you.

This was something I really need to hear right now.

Katherine you are brilliant.

I hope that I will be able to be half as resilient and wise as you. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know that we as the BSs have rights. The WS have no rights and we forget that while we are in the struggle.

Wonderful post! If ONLY, if only, Id done some of these things myself.

He was "remorseful" and wanted to come home to his family TWICE, but stayed with OW until "things could get worked out right" and now he is married to her.

I wish I would have gone NC immediately, as well as EXPOSED, EXPOSED, EXPOSED instead of trying to keep him looking virtuous to our families.