SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

punkins ~

No, I do not believe that you are wrong.

There is something definately going on, that would cause anyone to pause and take notice.

What I cannot wrap my head around is why on earth would any "man", leave his children and pregnant wife? And, for what? Some other woman, with whom he has shared none of life's trials with. Sorry to say, but I have too... You husband is an idiot.

Something else that you mentioned, is that he said that you don't make him happy? Any grown person should know that it's their responsibility to make themselves happy, within the marriage. I certainly don't depend on my wife to make me happy, and vice versa. We're happy just to be together.

Obviosly, he is pissed at himself because he got caught. Closing the window on the computer, texts, emails.... IMO, is just a very small sign of a much larger problem that your husband has.

I have FB and I talk with other women (mostly about Mafia and a couple that I went to highschool with), however I never close a chat, or delete messages or letters sent through FB. I have nothing to be ashasmed about. My wife knows my password, as I know hers as well.

But, people who are just friends, never text 700 in one month. Sweetie, there is much, much more going on here, than you will allow yourself to believe.

I agree with all the others who said to lawyer up. He's abandoned you and your children. You must take whatever steps necessary to protect and take care of yourself and your children. Do not be afraid, do not be scared to do what's right.

He keeps telling me our children are his main priorety, however he has so far only made time to see them an average of 6 hours a week. He doesn't call them on the phone at all or go out of his way to see them during the week. He'll see them on a Friday for an hour or so, or for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday and that's it. And yet he can still find plenty of time to go out with friends, and to go and play basketball and go to committee meetings for his sport club.

This disturbs me. Well, honestly the whole situation disturbs me. But, the children are not his priority. Your statement says it all.

This "friend" is his priority and will continue to be so, until the excitement is over.

I can fully relate to the crying everday. I did too. For awhile. Then I said the hell with it and did what needed to be done and I'm so much happier now.

I'd be more than happy to make him see the error of his ways.

You take care of what's most important. That means you and your children.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so.

Hugs Punkin,

Welcome and glad you're here.

You are doing all the right things. I know this is hard but make an appointment with your doctor for an STD check.

It might be only an EM (don't think so) but it's better to get checked.

With my WH it was guitars and his freaking corvette. I really considered keying CHEATER on the hood. Still do some days.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 6:43 AM, March 20th (Saturday)]

Oh, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, and while you're pregnant, too. I'd like to whoop his hieney for you.

Now, I'm not trying to be harsh, here,just realistic, okay. From reading here and about anything else I can get my hands on, and my own personal experience, it is extremely, highly and most unusual for a man to leave for a woman he has not yet already began a PA with. I'm sorry, it may be he is the strangest exception but it is probably smartest to assume he isn't.

That said, you need to make sure your OB knows about this and tests you accordingly, for everything. I got bacterial vagisosis and group-B strep from H's diseased skank, he got herpes. You really shouldn't gamble the baby's health on the unlikely possibility that he hasn't had sex with this troll. Sadly, doctors have heard all of our stories many times, and they will be understanding and compassionate about it.

Sorry you had to find us.

I am so sorry - I got tears in my eyes when I read your story as I could have written it myself - I know the doubts you have - I am battling with them for nearly a year now - trust your gut feeling - that's all I can tell you - something I am still learning to do. And please don't blame yourself - I have wasted many months doing so and have finally stopped.

Thank you everyone :)

I have reached the point of anger now.

I am still depressed and shocked and cry everyday for what he has done and because i want him to love me again...but i am now angry too.

I may still hold love for him deep down but right now i don't like him at all. I hate him. I can't even look at his face without feeling like throwing up (or punching him...or stabbing out his eyes...).

My care factor for him has completly gone.

He want's to get together with me to "discuss some practical things" such as who gets what furniture, because he has finally sat down and actually worked out how much it is going to cost him to live AND support us with the amount of child support the agency said he has to pay per month.

He had a bit of a freak out and said that he was more than happy to just walk away and leave the kids and i with everything, and if there is a way to do that then he will still take that option but at the same time he can't afford to refurnish an entire house (especally not enough to have the kids stay with him as well which he wants to happen at least every second week).

and that's MY problem how exactly? What did he expect? Does he think i can wave my magic wand and conjure up a few thousand to hand over to him so he can set himself up?

And as for taking half of our stuff... regardless of whether he is entitled to it, we don't exactly have two of everything so it means i'm going to have to replace whatever he takes which i can't exactly afford to do either now i am on a full SAHM pension. I'm not exactly going to be rolling around in my fucking money bin every night.

I'm just pissed off that he is in NO WAY willing to talk or discuss our relationship, or resolve any of the "issues" he says we apparently had (most of which were in his head), but he is demanding i sit down and help him set up his new life and divide up our furniture ONE MONTH after walking out....he has to do it NOW? seriously? right now?

When i'm now 6 weeks off having a baby...he has not only left me to look after our kids 7 nights a week but he is also going to come in and clear out half the fucking furniture from underneath them too. ONE MONTH after leaving.

Fucking asshole.

And he is STILL in regular contact with the bitch that he choose to be friends with over our marriage. STILL refuses to accept she has anything to do with it. STILL refuses to agree that she has been a big part of the problem and that their relationship is inappropriate.

Like i said, i've hit the angry stage. I am so incredibly pissed. No more sobbing into my pillow...i am blocking him out in every way possible. I would LOVE for him to want to work it out and eventually come back...but i have now accepted that even if he does eventually realize he is wrong and want to try again...it will not happen for at least 6-12 months. I will not let him back in this house and under this roof for at LEAST 6 months even if he comes begging and pleading at my door.

I am 180-ing as hard as i f'ing can because i am OVER his shit. OVER his disrespect and blatant disregard for me and my feeling. I am OVER it. Gone. Moving on.

Good for you, punkins. Put this anger to good use. Do NOT agree to anything, not a spoon, going out the door until you've met with a lawyer. You do not owe him ONE THING. What a selfish jackass this man is. Why would you want to make his life easier in ANY way?

Call a lawyer tomorrow morning. Set up a meeting to discuss separation, child support etc. Stay angry but in a positive way. That'll help propel you to protect yourself and your kids from this selfish jerk.

Wow. Talk about everything being about him. It's hard when you step back from that blind love and see them for what and who they really are. Try to stay in that headspace if you can. That's what the 180 is all about - stepping back, focussing on you, protecting yourself and your heart from their cruelty. Looks like you're going to need it with this guy.

I'm so sorry for you and for your kids. But you all deserve so much better than this. Remember that - you deserve better, and you're going to have it, one way or another.

Punkins ~

Something tells me that you're going to make it just fine!

Go get 'im, tiger!

You're doing great!

Your story rings a lot of bells with me, my FWH's one so-called LTA (if a booty call about once/month counts) started when I was about 7 mos. pregnant w/our DS, and went on for nearly 18 mos. after his birth. A "friend" & "coworker", that's all. R-i-i-i-ght. All that righteous indignation of his? Bluster and deflection. Those who have nothing to hide, hide NOTHING.

See a lawyer ASAP, find out your rights. At least here in the states, you can generally get a free initial consult, I think. What he pays and what he gets to take are not his choices to make! Mighty good of him, too, to abandon the children right when you have to go to have the baby....just who, exactly, is supposed to take care of them while he's off playing Freebird???

I'm pissed off for you!!

Edited to add:

If you haven't read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends", I highly recommend you do. Very validating.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:54 AM, March 21st (Sunday)]

See a lawyer before you split anything. Does his employer know he is cheating? Many companies have policies against that and you may have more leverage in the agreement.

Also, is whore married or have a significant other? Find out as much as you can so you have even more ammo.

You are doing great. Put the screws to him and watch him squirm.

Once the reality hits he may come crawling back and if he doesn't then no big loss. Who the hell wants to live with a sniveling obnoxious cheater?

I advised you in your other post, you need to hit him hard, very hard.

I agree with the others, DO NOT let him walk out with as much as a toothpick. Decide nothing until you meet with an attorney.

I know this is so difficult for you as you will be giving birth in a few weeks, but it will be next to impossible to handle when the child is born. You also need to protect this unborn child financially as well.

It is HIS problem to furnish another home, not YOURS. Again, let an attorney advise you on how to proceed, you may do something that will harm you and your children financially out of ignorance.

Tell him you will discuss some practical things through your attorney.

Punkins, you need to be strong and stand up for what is right and be the voice of your children.

No discussions until you meet with an attorney. NONE!

((((punkins)))) You will make it through, you have gotten some good advice, meet with an attorney and empower yourself with information.

Punkins, there is a post in this forum called Why Do They Leave? Scroll down and read it and re-read it and read it again.

Hugs.

Punkins,

Do NOT meet him to discuss “practical issues”. Use an intermediary. You can use a lawyer but you could also use someone you trust. Preferably an authority figure like your father, brother or someone you know your WH can’t push over, emotionally manipulate or force to a bad deal. This person should make it clear that he/she will argue your side, listen to proposals and bring them to you BUT cannot accept or “sign” anything on your behalf. So the forgone conclusion of a meeting to discuss practical issues is – at best – a solid proposal from him that you can accept, decline or negotiate from. Although a lawyer might sound ideal right now then using another authority figure could save money for the time being. Chances are a temp agreement made now won’t be binding in court later on.

This is SO IMPORTANT. It does not mean that you are not capable of negotiating a good deal but we tend to be so emotionally connected to our marriages that sometimes we don’t see sense. An intermediary will keep WH focused on issues and not emotions and will force a solid offer from him. It will also give you time to contemplate the offer and seek advice to take a rational and objective stance to it.

Look – this sounds like it’s headed for divorce. Now that does not mean it will end there. Maybe your WH will get his head out of his ass and then MAYBE you will want to R. But as is it’s headed for D. Once you enter a court for a D-hearing both parties are at even terms. Both parties have an equal share and then factors like custody, support and so on factor in. If a couple enter the court with an agreement – even an unfair one – the judge makes sure it’s willingly made and then agrees to it so you don’t want to enter with any compromise on what you could get. I have a feeling that if you are going to be the prime caretaker and custodian plus a new child then he is going to face a hefty price-tag for this divorce. Whether he has to take on a second job or live in a box isn’t any concern of yours. Any concession you make is a concession paid by your kids. So be firm on this D thing.

Don’t agree to any form of cheap divorce unless it’s on your terms. For example: you hire the attorney if it’s only going to be one. You get the house, pension etc valued. Divorces have a rep of being expensive and the can be. But you can keep costs down by focusing on the real issues and not arguing over the vase aunt Jane got you for Christmas 2004 and by doing a lot of leg-work (gathering financial info, cataloging possessions, pricing etc).

I feel so crushed. I just got another record of his phone from the last month.

The weekend before he left...the 13-14 of Feb he went to away for "work". He did not text message me ONCE of his own accord the entire time. I sent him a message asking how he was, and what he was doing..and he replied. That's it....in the same amount of time he was away he sent her over 60 fucking messages...he was texting her at 1 and 2 in the morning....what the FUCK did he have to say to her at 1 in the morning???

He was AWAY from me...in a hotel..on his own...and he was texting HER.

That was BEFORE i had confronted him...before i had seen last months bill

What the fuck were they talking about about? .

god i don't even want to know...i feel like i'm going to throw up.

(((threepunkins)))

You've gotten lots of wonderful advice from everyone. I just wanted to give you some hugs. I feel for you.

Stay strong for you and your kids. Lean on your family to help you through. And get one hell of a bad-ass lawyer to take the f$%% a$$hole for everything you can!

Seriously, give him nothing. Tell him the assets will be split in the divorce proceedings; until then, they stay in the marital home.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do not make it easy for him, because he has been very selfish and awful to you.

...a friendship my husband has been having with a woman at his work, it has been going for about 2 years now...

…We have two gorgeous children and i am due with our third in 6 weeks….

…I asked him to let me be a part of that friendship, to let me "in" and invite her over… He said he would but never did anything about it…

It appears that, if you have become pregnant within the 2yrs that he has been involved with this OW, his reason for not bringing her around to be your "friend" could be because he does not want her to know that he has been intimate with you while most likely being intimate with her, too. He doesn't want her to know he "cheated" on her any more than he wants you to know he cheated on you. What a character this one is!

No, you are not imagining things. His behavior is WAY out of line for a married man with children.

You have the woman's phone number, so why don't you call and question her? At the very least, you can put a dent in his game by letting her know you are pregnant so she will see that her cake-eating lover-boy is playing both sides of the fiddle. He's probably been giving her the old "we're-separated-I-hate-my-wife-blah-blah-blah" routine for months now. You are the wife - call her at once and set things straight.

[This message edited by LongTermSurvivor at 9:56 PM, March 22nd (Monday)]

unfortunately she already knows i'm pregnant. She has met me twice and she is very well aware of me.

He has been "sharing" his issues with her about me for months.

She probably knows more about me thanks to him than i do.

When i first discovered the number that kept popping up, i called it...twice...to see if she would answer but she didn't. Turns out she told him i called her twice and he apologized to her and told her never to answer the phone to me. He wanted to protect her so her feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Lots of good advice and support for you here, I just want to add a few things-

one is that you have to remember in all interactions you have with him that he is not on your side. Or the kids'. He is only on his side. Everything he says and does must be examined with this thought in mind: "What is his goal? What is he trying to get from me?"

So, if he should tone it down and get nicer, or be apologetic, or whatever, remember to ask yourself what he might be trying to get out of you. Don't be nice!!!

Also, I just want to say how much I feel for you. It chilled me to read your post, and reminded me of how my x manipulated and gaslighted me, and how I, with my honest, trusting, and loyal nature, worked hard to believe all he said, and to make things ok, and how bad I felt when he said I made him unhappy. etc.

He is doing wrong by you and the children, and this is something that will haunt him forever, whether he admits it or not.

what your describing is sadly reminiscent of the behavior my husband showed during his 9 mth PA.. with a coworker no less.. the texting, the denial, the lack of transparency, the frustration with you looking through phone records.. sadly it all points in the wrong direction..

read my profile if you want to.. you HAVE to trust your instinct.. in marriage, if you dont feel just right about his relationship with a person of the opposite sex, then the relationship is most likely reached an innapropriate level. and if he was an equal partner in the relationship, he'd be more than willing to either be transparent, or cut off that relationship alltogether.. you should have veto power over any relationships he has with famales and visa versa.. your intuition does not lie! i promise you!..

if he wasnt upset at you, he wouldnt have anything to hide.. im sorry for where you are at. and being pregnant makes it so much worse. Its so hard because you dont want to feel like your being irrational or that your feelings are being governed by your hormones... be strong! know that you are justified in your feelings.. take care of yourself and your baby. if at all possible see your prenatal provider for a non-stress test just to make sure everything is ok.. just tell them your going through a traumatic family issue and need to check everything out..