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I want you to know that I am not telling you to NOT do it...I am just saying I would hold off on it. You can always do it futher down the road with a letter that is more specific with less inflamatory items in there that could bite you back. I think he should be held accountable...just let one bomb fall first before you set off the other.

I ABSOLUTELY agree with KeepCalm_CarryOn's to take out the "emotions" in the letter. You keep it professional & you will be heard. You throw in the "emotions" and they might dismiss it. And you will be very upset, trust me.

As for sending it, I wish I had done this 14 years ago. I agree with tryinginmi. I would do this now to WH/BH, but I am currently unemployed & SAHM, but I would definitely do this to him as he expensed "dinners" with AP#1. That is a cold bucket of water in the face & he should thank his lucky stars I'm not in a position to do so. But it's all about intention. My intention would not be revenge, it would be consequences.

Kchip, you are one month out from D-day. ONE MONTH buddy.

One of the many, classic rules here in shit land is to not do anything drastic in the early times (which I would equate to one month). This includes everything, deciding on R, deciding on D and most certainly not delivering the one two punch you are about to deliver. She/they broke NC. So did my ww within a month. It happens all the time. Fall back, regroup and try again. And when I say ‘try’, I mean 180 HARD your ww and see if she returns to you and comes out of her fog.

I will be in the minority here. I say carry out your plan to meet with the other BS and send the letter the next day. The reason for sending the letter the next day is not to protect the mOM or the BS. It simply gives you time to modify the letter's contents should you need to do so or to choose not sending it at all as a result of your conversation with the BS.

With regard to the letter, I agree with the idea of sticking to the facts. I would not include any language about being a sex addict or anything of the sort. Do not editorialize. Just make statements of fact and allow the employer to draw conclusions.

Others have expressed concern about telling the BS at her place of employment. I do not agree with them. If this is the best way to reach her, then so be it. There is never a good time to tell a BS that she is a BS. It is important for her to know the truth, but it is not your duty to sanitize the experience for her. I, too, feel very sorry for her and her family, but she will have to find her own path to recovery.

Others have expressed concern about sending the letter to the employer so soon after her D-Day. I do not agree with them. Again, it is not your duty to sanitize the experience for her or save her family. Others have pointed out that your WW is to blame for hurting you and not the mOM. By the same token, you are not hurting the BS. Her WH was the person who hurt her.

Most importantly, I feel really bad for you. I hope you are doing okay and that are able to pick up the pieces. I know this situation sucks for you. Good luck. You are in my thoughts.

Also, I would add that (and I am sure that you already understand this) it is absolutely vital that you treat the BS respectfully and with dignity. Like yours, her life is about to change.

[This message edited by tearingaway at 2:25 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

You don't know the BW's situation. There could be all kinds of factors that you don't know about. Perhaps she has a terribly ill child that is receiving benefits from the WH's health insurance. Teachers don't make a lot of money, you know?

I could spend the time giving you other examples but while I understand your anger and desire to carry through on a threat, I would also urge you to consider that you are blowing something up that he has already demonstrated that HE was willing to blow up. And the ones that get hit with the double whammy are the BW and any children.

Think about it, kchip...because there's collateral damage here - women and children to be precise. Are you really comfortable taking this to the next step - and especially with so many unknowns? It doesn't really matter "who started it" - any more than it matters who started the affair. In the end we are all each responsible for our own actions.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 2:21 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

I think you should send the letter. Remove the sex addict statement. Stick to the facts - don't draw any conclusions for them, don't state your opinion at all. From a legal standpoint, you need to cover your bases. In all likelihood, he will lose it job. You don't want to set yourself up for a lawsuit.

I also think telling the wife at open house is a sticky situation but if there is no other way, go for it. I think you should tell her about the letter to the employer, too, tho.

I would do the same things. 1st of all, the mOM spouse has every right to know! I would be damned if the mOM brought hell fire to my home & it not start up in his...I would however stagger the blows. Tell her 1st.... Let that fire start....then when the dust is settling or if anything else happens...send the letter. He will get fired. I made my BH call up to the workplace & tell the same kind of stuff on her & she was escorted out! Texting, emailing on work time.. I also confronted her man at his job (I sat in my car & waited fit him to get off work) & showed him all the evidence I had of the slut that was living with him. so she stay smart about your approach & don't use all your ammunition at once.

Tell her however you can access her, she needs to know. Think twice about the letter. You got some great advice here, just not so sure what revenge is going to do for your healing.

"He that studieth revenge keepeth his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well."

John Milton

I do not think stunning the other BS after a school event is ideal but if that is the only way you to reach her, so be it. You could mail a letter to her school instead of meeting her.

I would hold off on that letter. The letter (as pointed out) could cause serious damage to other innocent people. Step back a minute and really think about that. Your wife is just as guilty as he is. Would you want the other BS to start sending out letters about your wife?

In the end you will do what you see is right and what you can live with. Just keep in mind there is another family pulled into this garbage that didn't ask for it either.

kchip, here's another angle to think about. Once you tell his BS tonight, his world is going to change. All his attention will be spent on repairing his marriage. It doesn't alway go that way but lets assume it does. That's a good thing for you. His life turns into crap and he has to put all his time and effort into his marriage. Keeps him from contacting your ww. Now what if after the devasting news you deliver tonight to his bs, he then gets fired in a few days from the letter you are sending?!?! His bs might just kick him the f@#$ out. And she might mean it. That would be bad for you. If his bs shuts the door on him he will turn immediately to your ww.

I'd vote for one bomb at a time. Tell his bs. See how that goes. Even let him know that you have more and you are capable of and will totally f*** his world if he has contact with your ww again.

But then I'd start working on your situation with the ww. That's ultimately more important.

First of all, I am really sorry that you're even IN this position. It really sucks.

I get your anger. BOY do I.

The mOW in our situation did everything in her power to try and take over my life. Breaks in NC. And her BH didn't even really help.

I hated not only her. I wanted to see every aspect of her life DESTROYED. She was texting and screwing my husband on her employer's time.

Did I consider contacting her employer? Sure did.

Did I consider reporting her to the state board? Sure did.

I considered contacting every neighbor, too.

But...the problem is...when doing that, I would have made some innocent people's lives hell, too. People that had already paid a price for her affair. Her losing her job would have impacted her husband and her kids.

Does the mOM in your sitch deserve to be busted? Yes.

Does the oBW deserve to have her life turned upside down EVEN MORE THAN her husband has already done so? Nope.

Please, really consider sending that note to the employer.

That oBW's world is going to be shattered tonight.

Does she also need to worry about (potentially) health insurance, mortgage payment, feeding her kids?

I wish you the best.

demos brings up a very good point that should give you some satisfaction.

I don't think BHs realize how CRAZY some BWs can become. I was a certifiable nutcase after d-day. No way did my H get off easy. I don't think he got sleep for the first year. It was bad. Like...seriously bad. Outside of that, I was a perfectly sane and respectable citizen of society...a teacher in fact.

His world is going to implode with you telling his wife. Make no mistake about that.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 3:15 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

Going tonight. I've had enough.

editing letter, see how it goes with BW tonight. If she is receptive and helpful - we will see.County employees typically get good insurance.

I will not let this FUCKER get off scott free. He has been laughing and having a great time treating my wife like a carnival ride at my expense. The karma truck is otw.

WW is about to get served. She's fucked too.

I also support telling the BS and sending the letter to the employer (without emotion- facts only!!).

As far as collateral damage to his BW- that damage is mOM's to deal with, just as YOU and your WW have had to deal with the damage your WS's actions.

I think its unfair that people are putting that burden on your shoulders.

If the WSs lose their jobs, its THEIR actions that caused it, not your bringing it to light.

Best of luck to you and please be gentle with the BW. She's in the same spot you are.

If she is receptive and helpful

Please don't expect her to be receptive and helpful in her state of shock. That is way too much to expect. Please don't infer anything negative if she doesn't respond how you expect her to.

She will need time to absorb and process what you are telling her.

Gaby, but if you feel that way then why should he be gentle with the other bs tonight? Just put the hammer down and make her feel as much pain as possible for something she had no role in!

Right? That's what your saying by nothing that results from the letter is on kchip's shoulders. It's the same thing. She's innocent. Could be kids involved.

I just want to let you know that when I originally told mOW's BH, he was an ass.

Really. Unhelpful. Defensive. All "My wife would NEVER do that..." bla bla bla. I hated the guy.

He was NOT receptive. NOT helpful. But it generated a little crack in his armor. And he soon (2 months) got it.

I tell you this because I hope you realize that this lady is going to be in ABSOLUTE shock. She may not offer to be your BFF. She may tell you to piss off.

Doesn't mean she's your enemy. Means her world was jacked.

I see you're divorcing.

If that's the case, who cares what happens to this guy. He may have been riding your wife like a carnival ride, but she kept showing up AT the carnival TO BE ridden.

Gaby, but if you feel that way then why should he be gentle with the other bs tonight? Just put the hammer down and make her feel as much pain as possible for something she had no role in!

Right? That's what your saying by nothing that results from the letter is on kchip's shoulders. It's the same thing. She's innocent. Could be kids involved.

Yes, he should be gentle in telling the other spouse. She wasnt screwing around (to kchip's knowledge) and her world is about to be blown up.

That's on her WS, not kchip. He (in my opinion) is doing the right thing in informing her. She has a right to know that her WS is sleeping with someone else and potentially dragging disease and other issues into her home.

Drop the hammer? There's no reason to be nasty to the BW. She did nothing to kchip.

And yes- the fallout from that knowledge coming to light (personally and professionally) is the mOM and kchip's wife's burden.

If they hadnt been screwing around on company time, there would be nothing to report to the company. Period.

As far as collateral damage to his BW- that damage is mOM's to deal with

Agree here. He dug the grave.

I feel compassion & empathy for both of MOWS' children & BHs, but it is for THEM to clean up their mess.

If the BH's wrote letters to my WH's employer about his shenanigans on work time (which he absolutely abused), it would put me & my kids in a precarious place, but it would be deserved. In fact, I'm not even sure if WH has considered how lucky he is (so far) that the other BH's haven't done that yet as he bragged to MOW#1 that he was expensing dinner (pretty sure he did that) & that he was on a work conference call while getting BJ (while my little was awake in the next room & me asleep in bedroom).

I will enlighten him on this realization today...

KChip

Look, all the people that say do not send the letter are compassionate people. But they are telling you to act as if you have fear - fear that the BW will be hurt or a crippled child will no longer walk or that nuclear war will result. If you let fear rule you, you will be screwed even more than you are.

I am here to tell you that if I was OM's employer using my resources to facilitate an extra-marital affair (and I have been in that position), I would want to know.

Take the recriminations out. Stick to facts. Offer details if they want them. But leave out all your insinuations and unsupported conclusions.

I think you have already decided to move on from your WW. I hope you have talked with a laywer and gotten the ball rolling on divorce.

If not, FILING for divorce should be your first step. Then telling OM's BW, then his employer.

Then, let the outcomes go. You will not get satisfaction from his employer (even if he is fired). You will not get support from OM'sBW (because you should have kept your woman in line) and you will be screwed over by the craptastic system that screws betrayed husbands in divorce proceedings.

But you will have taken key steps in your healing and getting YOUR life back.

Strength to you.