SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK everyone, I have to report that I just found out that genteelness and gentleness are totally and completely different words and have different meanings.

I had to fix my sentence in my opening thread.

My friends would say that I embody feminine gentleness and grace

"Doh!" Homer Simpson.

[This message edited by lara123 at 3:43 PM, June 5th (Sunday)]

I never thought that I could feel such intense anger for days sometimes weeks. Just when I thought I was past the anger a memory would pop back up in my mind and I would feel intense anger again.

I fluctuated between being suicidal and bawling and wanting to smash every fucking thing in our home.

I admire the BSs that are cool, calm and collected, and I always thought that I was like that... Until shit hit the fan and I smashed the fan off the fucking ceiling.

I have never felt rage like that in my life and hope I never do again.

Thanks again everyone for the comments.

[This message edited by lara123 at 2:58 AM, June 6th (Monday)]

The one word that I have heard others describe me as is "sweet". Guess it was true, easy going, never got angry, talk and rational solutions to problems.

Then dday#2 hit, white hot burning rage! Never felt anything like it. Never knew that I could. I felt super strength! He walked out the door within minutes of me discovering and I tripped over his shoe...the anger hit like a bolt of lightening.

Besides throwing every item he owned out in the muddy snow on the front lawn, I carried a bureau down from the second story and that went out too. I cannot even lift this bureau alone! Guess I had a bit of an adrenaline thing going.

What has surprised me is that I haven't reached the rage stage yet. Three months past DDay and I have yet to have an epic meltdown. I think I've been so focused on reconnecting with my WH and establishing a new version of our marriage that the anger hasn't had a chance to erupt yet.

It's there, beneath the surface and I know the day will come when I lose it and the rage, anger and fury will unleash. It has to as part of this process. How it will and when it will I don't know, but it will be far removed from my normal persona.

He has an awful lot of collectibles that may meet an unfortunate ending thanks to a baseball bat.

Years ago, when my oldest daughter turned 5, we had a birthday party for her in the backyard. We don't normally get a lot of kids for her birthday because it falls within the 4th of July week.

This particular year, literally every kid in her nursery school showed up, like 25 kids. We had a pinata....another friend's husband was holding the pole that suspended it.

My friend T had just discovered that her husband had gotten a BJ in a movie theater from some woman.

After a while, each kid had taken a few swings at the pinata, it still wouldn't break.

T looked at me, said "I'll take care of it", assumed a batter stance, and beat the living shit out of that pinata. Candy was flying everywhere. It was like a candy tornado. The kids went crazy.

We laugh about it now.....

whyohwhyohwhy, that poor pinata never stood a chance!

Oh I relate.... Big time.... I feel like a volcano.... I'll erupt someday... With an enormous explosion.

The absolute rage surprised me. There have been a few times since dd that I became someone I never knew I could be. Someone I didn't like at all! It is odd to find that a flash back can make that person come out quickly. In January we were driving home from a pleasant day out and dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. The radio was on some talk program and a man was talking about how much he missed his AP and the affair. He went on to tell the moderator that because he was a WS he was unable to elicit support from anyone in regards to his pain. Freaking rage woman screamed to "get that crap off of my radio". She proceeded to verbally take FWS apart. Then when calm returned....she ran into the sewing machine store and bought a 15 thousand dollar machine that She needed. So fwh has spent 6 years making this up to me. As the best husband in the world he did not bat an eye when I told him what I had done. I love him more then I ever did. Wish I never had to meet rage woman, but as the cliche states...it is what it is! I love the machine!

I had a bad temper when I was a kid but learned to control it before I really ended up hurting someone. That being said when I had my d-day I've never been so angry and hurt at the same time. The scary thing was as angry as I was I was also dead calm, like something just burned out inside me. I sat there calmly and confronted her, showed her the evidence I had and tore all her lies and excuses apart one by one while never even raising my voice once. I then got up and walked out of the house. It wasn't the end for us yet. But it was the last time I ever fully trusted anything about us. After 16 yrs together I couldn't believe all the betrayals I found .That was 4 yrs ago and im now just finally admitting that I myself will never trust our relationship again no matter how much we work on it. Ive begun the process of finally seperating our life together

Thanks again everyone for your responses.

After reading this thread, I know for sure that my anger and rage was and is normal.

[This message edited by lara123 at 1:38 PM, June 6th (Monday)]

I am a red-headed, quick-tempered Irish-American woman with a mouth like a sailor--and that's on a good day. I've known a lot of loss, too, including the death of a fiance after a 2-year battle with cancer. While the affair was in progress, the pain, rage, and sorrow engulfed me like I had never known before. The intensity of it felt like it would literally rip me limb from limb.

I used to be sweet. I was even-tempered and calm almost to a fault (meaning I occasionally infuriated H when he was angry and I remained composed and controlled).

But after Dday, something broke inside of me. Now when truth trickles in or when I hear from OW or am otherwise "triggered", I shock the heck out of both H and myself. I find myself using the "f" word - a lot. To describe what they did, how it made me feel, and what I think of the whole thing. And I get loud! The other night we made the huge mistake of going to a restaurant after some new information about the A came to light and, after a couple of glasses of wine, I unleashed a lot of anger on FWH, making the waitress (according to him) extremely uncomfortable.

I do not like this new me. I feel out of control too much of the time. But I guess 6 years of betrayal might do that to a person?

Same here. I never felt any hatred toward anyone for my 49 years on this planet, up until DD. But I felt pure hate for OM, and what my fWS and he did. They were so sneaky about it. She fully gas lit me and made me think everything was fine. Even watched me get the vasectomy she had always wanted me to have so we could have better sex, all the while, she was fully embroiled in her affair. They knew it was wrong and did it anyway. They used coded messages and fake names on their messages to hide it from me, deleting everything they ever chatted about.

When I discovered how long and how deep the affair was I was so fucking furious. One time, I found some CD's he had made her. He was a DJ and had shared some of his work with her. These were scattered throughout our collection of music, when I merely thought he was a 'friend'. So one day, about four months after DD I took them all outside and smashed them to bits in front of her. Pieces of the CDs flew everywhere. Felt so cathartic.

Now, nearly 2.5 years later, I thought about how long the fog lasted and how she stayed in touch with him during that first year past DD, breaking no contact with texts like, "Missing you" "miss your hands on me". Even though I was waking up sobbing every other day and could barely concentrate at work, the guilt or lack thereof, did not stop her from still wanting him in her life. I guess my suffering had no impact on them, or her. Talk about no empathy.

I wonder how long I can handle being with her sometimes. She has yet to make an account on SI or even read my posts here. She did a tiny bit of IC then dropped that. She never gives the affair any thought due to her busy schedule and just lets me bring it up when I can't take it anymore. What kind of reconciliation is that???

After a few days when I did get into the anger zone it was off the charts. I felt bipolar for many weeks after d-day. The way I would cycle through the stages how often & fast they changed. It scared me.

Now I'm indifferent 95% of the time. The other 5% I can easily manage now and I don't feel crazy anymore.