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Marz, how long before u think that will happen. U guys think this abomination lasts? That bothers me. I dont want my kids to think this was in anyway normal or right.

Before you agree to anything with her, talk it out with your lawyer to see if it really benefits you.

If you can get a favorable agreement, get it in writing and signed before she changes her mind, but don't be willing to concede much of anything after only seven years married.

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer!!!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 9:51 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday)]

Get the divorce on your terms while she is still in lala land. Go for more than 50/50. If there are ever any reasons to get a restraining order, do so. Carry a VAR so that you have proof if she tries to set you up.

She does NOT have sunshine and rainbows ahead, that much I would bet my money on.

Rockstardad

I’m a former cop (sorry Rubix…). I walked in on my fiancé having sex with another man. That was several decades ago. I also left the police and changed careers quite some years ago. Like you I also got my Masters while working full-time. Like you I got immense support from my fellow-officers and the department.

You have already gotten some great advice. I want to point out a couple of items:

Know how you do a lot of stuff simply for safety? Like you put on your seat-belt when you enter a car even if you don’t really intend to have a crash. You check your gun before starting a shift, even if you have no intention of pulling it. You wear a bullet-proof vest yet have no plans on getting shot? You need the same mentality now. You might want a second chance if she comes back, but you still need to plan and follow up on the steps of divorce. You need to apply your street-cynicism and reality and keep one hand free.

10K or 20K plus the truck… It might be a great deal or it might be a terrible deal. How long have you been married? In some states, there is a time-clause that limits the need to divide pre-marital assets and pension. You have already established what sounds like a 50/50 parenting schedule so she will have a tough time changing that. Talk to an attorney and ask what is realistically your best bet. With a mortgage on the house, car debt, cc debt, possible student loans and all that then MAYBE there isn’t any 10K she is entitled to. MAYBE she might be lucky to get out with 0 and no marital debt.

Remember – you can be creative in your accounting but still true and honest. Like when you value your house you can have upper-market value and lower. You can value pre-sales repairs as if a contractor had to do them rather than you and your uncle Bob, the family carpenter that works for beer. You can value her truck full blue-book, but devalue yours due to the dent in the bumper or the oil leak (that has nothing to do with the oil you spilt on the engine…).

Start gathering financial info. Statements, tax returns, market-value of property in your area, resale value of cars… Have all this ready so when you talk to your attorney he doesn’t have to spend several hours at $$$ per hour doing your work.

One thing I suggest you do is fake it till you make it. Your wife across the street? Well… you make sure your lawn is mowed, the driveway cleaned and the daisies pushing for the skies in the garden. Therefore, you are always showered, shaved and wearing neat clothes when entering and leaving the house. Your house is clean as a whistle. Don’t have the kids next weekend? You load up your truck early Saturday morning and leave for the day. You have a life. You are moving on. With or without her. Let her sit behind the shades wondering about what she’s sacrificing.

Be as active as you can. Exercise. Spend time with others. Work on your Masters. Keep your mind busy. Avoid the nearly inevitable depression. It takes time, but I can promise you that within 6 months you will be feeling OK and within 12 months you will be fine.

Glad to hear it no one thinks it is sunshine and roses. I know I will probably get to the point where i dont care what she does, but for now for her to bring him my ready made family is fucked up.

So far it is in my favor financially. Will converse with the lawyer tomorrow and check up on some things. There is a 120 waiting period so I have about 110 days left before this thing could be final, if nothing changes...

RockstarDad,

My WW has done the same to me. We both work in the same profession and she tried to blame me for working too much. Also she met the two jackals she had an A with at a school function. The resent guy she was involved with she kept telling me they had "so much in common". I was able to get phone records back to March 2017 and she would talk for an average 1.5 hrs a day. My WW had grown distant from me too. I think she got wrapped up with her first guy when him and her were talking about his most resent divorce.

You didn't do anything wrong. You were trying to be a great father to your two kids.continue do that. Also, dont let this A cloud your mind when your out working. You need to stay sharp out there. Take care of your self brother.

Accounts were split first week. I changed ALL account numbers, passwords, including social media ect.

Attorney was consulted with first week. She received the papers the next week.

So far she has done nothing except change her cell phone account after several requests. I am not planning on asking her to do anything else. She has not moved out her personal items other than minimum ammount of clothes and at my request her make up as she would come home and get dolled up to go accross the street to her new man and I wasnt going to watch that anymore.

I am going to work on the 180. Process this appropriatly and properly and come out full speed when papers are signed. Hoping she sits and doesnt do anything and stays in lala land. I am not going to do anything with other women until this is final cause I took a vow that I will keep. Plus I dont sleep around, never have and never will. Head up and pride up.

I do get in these good places and rock it until something happens, normally with the kids or him pretending to be daddy. Them I revert to a really angry stage how do u guys handle that?

I am going to work on the 180. Process this appropriatly and properly and come out full speed when papers are signed. Hoping she sits and doesnt do anything and stays in lala land. I am not going to do anything with other women until this is final cause I took a vow that I will keep. Plus I dont sleep around, never have and never will. Head up and pride up.

I do get in these good places and rock it until something happens, normally with the kids or him pretending to be daddy. Then I revert to a really angry stage how do u guys handle that?

How do you handle it?

What I did was refuse myself the “luxury” of being blue. I would try as I could to be aware of my thoughts and if I felt I was slipping into a funk I had some predefined tasks to do.

For example: If I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking of her and I realized what was going on I would look at the clock. Fifteen minutes later – if I was still awake thinking of her – straight into my running gear and a midnight three-mile run.

If I realized I sat in the couch feeling blue: Into the garage and detailing the car.

If I realized I had no other plans for the evening but to mope around: Repaint the spare bedroom, fix the heating, clean the bathroom… whatever.

I just kept busy.

Try to find an outlet for your anger. Maybe hit the gym or play some call of duty and blow people up. Anything that can help you relieve stress.

Glad things are working out for you. Keep protecting yourself. You never know when your WW or her OM might see what's happening and decide to find an attorney and make things difficult. Hope that doesn't happen and she just moves on. It will be a little while down the road before things fall apart with OM.

I totally agree with Tiger except…

You have access to a real firing range. Use that instead of COD.

I have serious doubts about the benefits of gaming as a distraction at this time. I’m not new-age or anti-gaming, but I think the lights from a big screen might biologically fend off sleep. I think there are more positive things that will do more good.

When i hit the angry stage i started talking with someone and joined this fourm. I keep an active journal to put my thoughts onto paper. This is going to be the hardest thing you will ever deal with. I knew i hit the ceiling on the amount of stress. I thought LE was stressful, hell its a vacation for me now! Stay strong,stay active, discover yourself again and reinvent. Its been a month since i found out about my WW. I still have my days. We are here,we will listen. Plus we are still plenty young. Your 36 im 33. I would like to fix things with my wife but im not going to hold my breath just yet. I know i would be able to find someone who holds the same beliefs and morals.

I just wanted to send a virtual hug! What a bitch ... that is all!

Also ... find a really hot model type room mate ... give them reduced rent for pda and making she realises that she’s traded down while you have options (I have a friend who’s just done this ... it drove the WH and whore crazy ... there were literally grab the popcorn moments)

Do you live in a state where you can sue for Criminal Conversation and Alienation of Affection? I would also invite the OW to move in with you. You would not even have to be in a relationship. Their minds would make it so. But that is just being vindictive. But I might consider that.

You've been through hell Rockstardad and you still sound like an upstanding guy. I tip my internet hat to you sir.

I would not do a damn thing to rock the divorce boat until everything is finalized. It sounds like you're getting a sweetheart deal in the divorce. She's in lurve and in her own little fantasy world. Keep her that way until the D is final.

FWIW, I actually envy guys like you. Whether you realize it or not, you'll be in a much better place in a year. Trying to reconcile after an affair has been a disaster for me. I would never attempt it again. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm betting you'll look back at this mess and be relieved in the not too distant future.

Good luck to you on your new beginning.

I would not do a damn thing to rock the divorce boat until everything is finalized. It sounds like you're getting a sweetheart deal in the divorce. She's in lurve and in her own little fantasy world. Keep her that way until the D is final.

Stayedforthekids

This is it. No wiser words could be spoken. The only thing I could add is divorce even if she comes begging to your door. You could always date her after the divorce but I don’t know why you would want to.

You guys are great. It is a release posting some of this shit.

I have been to the range and it felt good. Taking the ak in to shoot before work, that should be fun.

Yea this is harder than anything else I have ever done in LE. Been in two (golden)shootings, both died, one was me only and I treated them both as they died. Dealt with those well but there were struggles along the way. This is that x1 million worse than anything I comprehended possible but I will do it.

I aint going to do antlything to make her jealous, but when the divorce is done I no longer have my vows amd will date be happy and live life. Setting her off now hurts me.

Her money problems are just so immature right now. She has almost maxed her 2k credit card she took out without me knowing and 4 small medical bills came through as collections in the past week. We had the money. They are in her name and not showing on my credit history.