SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has 1 bill to pay, my van (she drives a loaded truck that costs more than she makes a year). Its 125 biweekly direct withdrawl and i just calles the bank to check and they couldnt withdraw the money because if insufficient funds. I was hoping she would not come after me but she may not have a choice... Arrgghh.

Rockstar

Be realistic. You two met 5 years ago. Married what? Four years?

According to what you post it sounds like you two didn’t have piles of money stashed. You are still paying a mortgage and that’s behind. Trucks are on car-loans and that’s behind. A financial blimp and your credit is shot… It doesn’t sound like there really is a lot of assets to share…

She can ask for anything, but I venture that when you tally up the assets to the right (market value of house, market value of truck(s), market value of boat…) and debt to the left (loans on home, trucks, boat, cc-debt, overdraft, outstanding bills…) then there won’t be much to argue about.

Your pension? At a max, I’m fairly certain she might have a claim to parts that were placed there in the period from the marriage to the filing for divorce. Even that can vary from state-to-state.

Talk to a good attorney and tell him you want a good, fair divorce but that you want your interests taken care of to the fullest. Tell him you want formal financial separation RIGHT NOW as well as prime residence of the family home until the divorce is through. This is SO important. Get these two things and (a) any financial transaction she makes is no longer of your concern, including debt and (b) prime residence allows you to legally pack her stuff and even change the locks (in both cases confirm with attorney).

Based on what you share about her then there are a couple of things you really need to be aware of:

Her CC debt could be YOUR CC debt, even if it’s a card you didn’t know about. Great care needs to be taken when CC debt is divided in divorce because the CC-provider is not bound by a divorce decree. They can chase the person they think is more likely to pay.

Same with medical bills and possibly any other debt she accumulated before you file.

You really need a good attorney that knows what he’s doing and that can make sure any break is as clean as possible. Check with your local police association, often they provide great legal aid. You are not the first cop facing a divorce!

I met my present wife about 18 months after d-day. When we had been married for about 12-14 years I nearly wrecked the marriage with behaviors that turned out to be pure PTSD related. I had the good sense to seek professional help and the excellent IC I went to was quick to see the PTSD and in a couple of sessions more-or-less had the causes lined up.

Unlike you I never took part in a shooting. In fact – I never pulled my gun in anger in the decade I was in LEO. But I did get stabbed/cut once, I got into several situations where I feared for my life. I witnessed suicide-situations ranging from shotgun-to-mouth, hanging and throat-cutting. I gathered body parts as a first-responder to crash-sites… Several of these incidents were causing my PTSD symptoms BUT the IC was quick to zone in on when I walked in on my fiancé having sex with OM. It turns out that the infidelity was the PRIME cause of my PTSD.

It’s a quick fix once you acknowledge it and get good help.

I got a great attorney and finances are seperate. Need a little more face time with him. Sent a email with liat of questions tonhis paralegal waiting for reply.

Not a ton of finances but what I can keep helps keep options open after.

Together 7 married 5.

My point was I handled that shit really well with IC (aeeing same guy now) but this is so much more difficult.

The outstanding debt that is possibly joint (like if you signed for the truck…). If you can then keep up-to-date with those bills. Even if they are for stuff your WW might be using. You can then deduct financial outlay from the final divorce settlement. Like if you pay 500 per month on her truck for 6 months then when the financial nitty-gritty for the divorce is finalized you can have 3000 deducted from whatever you might have to pay her.

The benefit of being up-to-date is it clears your credit and probably gives you a better stance if you do need financial assistance or consideration from your bank.

Close her access to any bank-account where you deposit money. If she has an income and it’s deposited on a joint account then make sure your wages are deposited in another account.

If the truck still carried a lot of debt and the lease/loan in your name then maybe the only solution would be to sell it and pay off the debt. She can drive a cheaper car.

The finances are important (but notnthe most) as I know I will have to move here as soon as my credit recovers from the damage she did. I dont have a ton your right, but keeping all of the home equity gives me better home buying options, and keeping even from losing a couple years of pension could make the different in working 2-3 more years. Not going to rent and move away from being so close the kids school and having them lose some short term stability

What I really want to here is how they break up. What I can do to hasten the moment. They seem so happy now with the OM playing daddy. Divorce is going to happen. She has done to much damage, I will never trust her, and I deserve better. I do NOT want them to be able to do this and have this fairytail ending parenting my kids. She on her own with them is fine, not him.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:12 AM, January 4th (Thursday)]

You don’t want them to break up until after divorce terms are agreed. You want her thinking some goddamned fairytale about how you will amicably co-parent from across the street. You want her to agree that you will be the custodial parent-the one with the right to determine where the kids live and go to school. You want her to think that is ok because you will always be living across from each other going to the same school. Once the divorce is finalized, then worry about these other things. They will probably fail—they have a less than 10% chance of making it over 2 years. If he kicks her out you want the kids going to your school with you the stable parent. If they do make it, he will sell anyway because it will get real awkward for him once he leaves lala land himself. I sure as hell would not want to live across the street from a cop that hates me and tells alll his cop buddies why.

PlanC is right. As long as she sees OM as her meal ticket, she has less reason to try to squeeze you for as much as she can. In her head, right now, she probably feels that she doesn't need anything from you, because her knight in shining armor will take care of everything.

In my state, once the D is final, she can't go back for alimony. Only child support can be changed. Let things go as smooth as possible until the D is final.

It is extremely unlikely that their relationship succeeds. They are both cheaters and don't respect marriage. Most likely, one of them will cheat again. Although sometimes, I've heard from others on this site that AP's marry. Sometimes, it seems that they feel so committed, due to what they gave up, they stay with the AP just to prove that it was "real" or wasn't a bad decision. You might want to be prepared for that.

RockstarDad

You are doing an amazing job with everything you have had to face in a short amount of time.

I would like to add a point - always always think of your children. (Not saying you have not done an excellent job already). But consider this.

Your future actions and decisions will impact your W and then kids. Yes your W will lie and say stuff that isn’t true to the kids. As in “your Dad blah blah blah” to justify her A and lying, cheating and selfishness.

Have patience. her world will implode soon enough. One day OM will decide too much stress or kids are hard or “he’s not happy”. He or she will cheat because after all many cheaters have the “I deserve to be happy” no matter what.

And you may need to step in and pick up the pieces. And if she is still truly angry at you she will make worse choices than ever and try to cut you out of kids lives when they will need you.

Until the custody and D are finalized - watch your back. I’ve seen things change horribly for a spouse before things were finalized.

Also you just need to sit back and wait. Your W is on a collision course with this relationship she chose now. Statistically if a relationship starts as an A the chance of long term success are very poor.

Just know you are doing the right thing by your children. That was always my focus during my H’s A. I had to swallow my pride and suck it up at times. But I did it for my kids. It was more important to me that we be able to go-parent as a team and in harmony to some extent.

I know it is hard to watch the show go on across the street. It would make me crazy. BUT you don’t know if they are happy. Or get along. Or really love each other. You see a facade. You see fleeting moments. It LOOKS 👀good.

Behind closed door is a very different story. When the OM comes home late and no call - that’s not going over well. And then the anger and resentment build up and BOOM 💥 ! There’s an explosion. So don’t believe either one of them will be happy long term. There is NO trust there.

What you don’t want is the revolving door of men in your kids’ lives.

What I really want to here is how they break up. What I can do to hasten the moment. They seem so happy now with the OM playing daddy. Divorce is going to happen. She has done to much damage, I will never trust her, and I deserve better.

I, and most everyone else here, know how you feel about this right now.

The desire for the satisfaction of watching their fantasyland implode.

As much as you may desire this, force yourself to focus mainly on yourself, your kids, and the long-term.

Leave your STBXWW and her worthless POS to themselves - it is highly likely that their endorphin-rich-for-now delusional bullshit will be at an end.

What you want is to get as quickly as possible to the state-of-mind where you genuinely don’t give a shit about the person you were formerly married to.

I can’t stress enough that you hold fast to your values, principles, and moral compass - for it is now that you need them.

If you get through this divorce without having lowered or forsaken yourself, you will come out of it higher-minded and more confident than ever.

It’s important that your kids watch their father get through this while maintaining his integrity.

Being able to look your children in the eyes and tell them that you never deceived them, their mother, or the vows you made is priceless.

THAT, is what being a role-model truly is and what it’s all about.

Your children will always feel safe in that state of honesty they will only truly have with you.

Rockstar,

Fall back on your training.

You want to control the situation. You focus on the biggest dangers and prioritize.

Your soon-to-be-ex-wife and her love-life… non-relevant.

Your soon-to-be-ex-wife and her future happiness… non-relevant.

Divorce is all about logistics. It’s about separating finances and joint obligations already entered. Frankly its best done as a non-emotional thing. Do this and it allows you to evaluate correctly to get the best deal.

If your wife is broke or strikes gold after D… not your issue. If she and OM become the happiest couple on earth… not your issue. If she splits from OM after two weeks or two years… not your business.

You are certainly entitled to find some joy in her misery, but it won’t improve your divorce settlement or give you more time with your kids or anything like that.

Custody – Well… each decision you make needs to be based on what’s best for your kids. In your shoes, I would gun for prime custody. Not as revenge, but because (a) you have the stable, well-located family home and (b) based on your WW actions you are the sane one.

Your future actions and decisions will impact your W and then kids. Yes your W will lie and say stuff that isn’t true to the kids. As in “your Dad blah blah blah” to justify her A and lying, cheating and selfishness.

This point deserves to be expanded upon a bit.

Yes your STBXW will talk shit about you to and/or in front of the kids. Yes, that's tough to take.

But kids are far more intelligent and sophisticated then we give them credit for. If she says things about you that are obviously untrue or don't match their observations and experience, they will know it (or at least feel it), and they will begin to resent her for it. Even if some of her criticisms are valid, they will still resent someone (anyone) poor-mouthing someone they love. And they will absolutely resent her placing them in the middle of a battle they want no part of. It's not fair to them, and they know it.

I've learned over the years when my kids tell me something exWW has said about me to just shrug and pleasantly say, "That's not true," or, "I'm sorry she feels that way," and then just drop it. This also works when the kids themselves are just trying to stir up shit or get a rise out of me, because it lets them know I'm not playing that game.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 9:17 AM, January 4th (Thursday)]

Well it was her day to have the kids but since she works noon-8p I was thinking I would have them. Woke up and her truck was there so I text her and she she was home but I could pick the kids up. Had them till 7 when I took them over. Still in la la land.

But then it got good! I had text her my dad wanted to fly me and the boys to Florida for 5 days where he lives. She said she would let me know via text as 2 of those days would be her days. Saw her when I dropped the kids off and could tell. She was all kinds of pissed off asking questions about my planning of the trip. We took a lot of family trips down there as well as couples trips. I asked if there was a particular concern and she said she didnt want to talk about it. Her eyes looked a little misty. Fuck her, nice to see some emotion.

I had been trying to plan this as a family trip for the last couple months before I knew the affair was going on but could never pin her down and now I know why. She must have to think about the awesome times we had and realize our whole marriage wasnt shit as she has made it seem. (Actually a really good one) hope she grooves on it. Prob backfire in the bigger context but a little win for now and the first win I have had yet

She said she would let me know via text as 2 of those days would be her days

She just gave you an opportunity to show her how to effectively co-parent: "Yes, I understand that two of those days would normally be your days. I will of course give you two of my days in the future if you want. We can work that out now or when we return from the trip. Gramps is looking forward to seeing them. I hope you will support them in seeing him."

Whether she agrees to this now may be an open question. She'll learn though that either through temporary custody orders pre-D, or custodial agreement post D, this is how stuff like that will happen IRL. So the kids don't become bargaining chips.

If she says no let her tell the kids why they can't go.

Put that all on her!!!!!!

Talk to your attorney about he trip. Do not let her say you took the kids out of state without approval. That is a big deal.

She is the opposing party now. She has already screwed you over.

Before you go to Florida please consider changing the locks to your house. If such action is illegal or could impact you negatively in your divorce then install some cameras. You must protect your property. I would never trust either of those two (WW or OM).In addition to destroying or stealing your property she seems to the type of WW that would bring this POSOM in your house and further disrespect you by being intimate with him there.

Good advice. Locks will be changed as well as garage code.

I communicate via text to make sure there is a trail as much as possible.

Yea waiting to see what she comes up with as a possible reason. As long as she mutually agrees and I have texts from her agreeing that will follow what is layed out in the stipulation agreement for mutually agreed upon deviations.

Going to work on getting the final agreement put together with the paralegal this week and then see where we are at with the attorney. Feeling real good today!

Rockstar

You are a cop, right?

Seen a lot of domestic abuse?

What gender is usually hauled away in cuffs?

Male, right?

DO NOT CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!!

Not without clear unequivocal confirmation – in writing (e-mail) – from your attorney informing you that you have a clear right to do so!

Worst case scenario: She comes over while you are away, finds locks changed, calls police and files a domestic abuse charge. Since the home is her legal abode she can get a locksmith to unlock AND change the locks. With the domestic abuse charge on file you can guess twice who gets hauled away by the cops…

Rockstar – This isn’t about revenge or getting even. It’s about GETTING OUT!