SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone have any actual statistics (with primary sources) about what percent of couples meet like as affairs, how often people who cheat leave a primary relationship for an AP, how long these marriages typically last, etc? I'm curious. I see statistics stated as facts on many websites but never sourced.

I know my friend's dad and step-mom did. She says they're unhappy.

And then I know two older couples who were our neighbors when we lived in our first condo. It was the kind of place where people moved after divorce, I guess. One couple had left their spouses for each other. The woman was about 15 years older than the man. She had already developed severe dementia when we met them, and he took care of her. She was estranged from her kids because of the affair. They never married, so later on he married someone else but moved his old partner to a facility near them. I'm sure she's died by now.

The other was a guy who had had an affair and was pingponging back and forth with his wife. His kids were college age, I think. Eventually he married his AP. They're still together according to FB. I don't know if they're happy. She always seemed cold and standoffish to me.

Several, one bring my dad. He’s been married to OW for 35 years. Not sure if they’re happy. He pretty much lost us when he married her and she refused to have us In their life. Not sure how they both sleep at night.

My best friends dad. And she idolized him. I can hardly stand it.

Many more but I think many also don’t share that “fact” with others.

This doesn't quite fit but it is kind of funny...

One of my ex girlfriend's parents were a priest and a nun when they met. So, technically they were "married to God."

Three:

Neighbors from childhood. He is WH, she was a single, co-worker AP. They have one kid together, and still together, at least 14 years.

My besties xbf. He married the girl after getting her pregnant, and he is miserable.

My FIL and MIL. He was the WH and she was the OW (another single co-worker...). STBXWH found out the truth as adult in 2017 after BW (MIL) passed, but didn’t react with much emotion or any shock (which makes since b/c he was in the midst of many ONS at the time). FIL and MIL said they have had their fair share of problems themselves when WH’s A was disclosed, but it’s not confirmed about additional As from FIL or MIL since they discuss NOTHING willingly. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree it seems.

I guess he’s right, I wasn’t like the ow he married (my MIL) who never worked and waited on him like a devoted woman, putting him above her kids and sending them to work (the kids) when they were 15 because he said so and she follows every shit he says. No thank you.

Ha it's so true! My uncle left his second wife for OW (became 3rd wife) and she was the exact same way put him before her kids even as he drank himself to death. He passed away from causes of alcoholism. Now she is alone with a tattered family to boot.

My X has been married to OM for 39 years.

Given she tried to hook up with me 10 years ago tells me nothing has changed.

My grandmother left my bio grandfather in the early 1940s for a neighbor in her apartment building. The OM, the man I called Grandpa, and my bio grandmother were married for 34 years until her death—happily from all accounts. By the time I was born, my dad’s stepfather was married to his second wife, the woman I called Grandma ____. (My dad’s stepfather had legally adopted him because my bio grandfather, the BH in this story, died within a couple of years of all this, so my dad’s stepfather was “Pop” to him after the legal adoption.)

I know of three, two of whom started at high school reunions. High School reunions are a notorious under-the-radar dynamic contributor of affairs. Some high school crushes sometimes never flame out until consummation occurs. Of the two, one couple divorced after 10 years or so and the another couple is still married after 4 years.

Sadly, I know quite a few, all either in awful marriages or separated.

My married cousin had an affair at work, they both divorced their spouses and got together. Had 2 kids. His xBW died from breast cancer about 2 years after he left her. They separated couple of years back after a horror of a relationship, where the kids paid and are paying the price.

A former friend of mine,s she told me right after my DDay that she had LTA with her husband, and waited for over 3 years until his kids were old enough for him to D. She has been been married to him for 15 years and it has been a marriage from hell for the 10 years I've known them. They literally can't stand each other...which makes so much sense now, after knowing what I now know about A.

And I can keep going...the saddest part is that I don't know have a single example of a happy marriage. I don't know anyone, personally, where I could even think...I wish my marriage was like theirs.

Another story to share on this topic.

I know a women who left her BH and moved out west to be with OM.

The BH who is a friend of mine who moved on very well. He later remarried and is Madely in love with his wife.

Over time my friend forgave is ex and is so happy with is life he and his wife have gone to dinner with his Ex and her husband (OM).

What she told me is she made the mistake of her life. However, she not only sees cheating as her biggest mistake, but also her not working on her marriage.

She said this is what I chose and I am going to do everything to not make the same mistake again. Er biggest mistake was not cheating, it was not fighting for her marriage.

I also know a few women who stay in the bad second marriage because the do not want to D again. They went from the frying pan to the fire and do not want to continue downward.

My BIL’s (technically xBIL) first wife cheated on him and then married the OM. She is still with OM and it’s been at least 20-25 years. His xWW and the OM/H live in the beach house she received (from BIL) as part of the divorce settlement.

It’s possible my dad was an OM with his second wife, although I do think she was already in the process of D. They remained married until my father died, so approx 20 years. He left everything to her with instructions that she would pass on our inheritance to us after she died (my sister and I are my dad’s only children, and her only child, with her first husband, died at birth). She was cutting us out of her life even before my dad was in the ground.

[This message edited by BlueIris at 8:41 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

Two couples I knew well, and 3 that my XH or I knew from work-so, FIVE.

ONE couple I'd say is truly happy-and have been married for 20 years.

TWO couples seem to just stay together, and I know that there has been more infidelity (shocker!) with both of the couples.

TWO other couples divorced; one of the women was divorced 4X before she hit 40.

Heck, there are LISTS on the internet of famous couples who started as AP's-everyone knows about Brad & Angelina, but who would've guessed Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson? Yeah, most end like Brangelina.

I think an attorney or financial advisor will tell you if you have $2.00 and are marrying the AP you better have a prenuptial agreement. Otherwise they are doing you a disservice in my opinion.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:56 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

lostandbound,

From the US Census Bureau

Divorce rates:

* 50% percent of first marriages,

* 67% of second, and

* 73% of third marriages end in

divorce.

While not reflected in the numbers because of varuous reasons with no fault requirements in many states being the predominant reason for under reporting, infidelity plays a predominant role in many divorces. The numbers do not tell the story. Statistics vary widely. When cheaters (APs) marry after the failure of the first marriage the failure rate is astronomically higher.

The reason is because one or both of the betrayers has not taken responsibility for what happened. They have not done the work to become safe spouses. They do not know what factors pushed them to cheat and have not addressed what was lacking in their character or personality. Their boundaries are crap. When faced with similar stresses, conditions, and choices they will cheat again. I feel Rio's statistics are dead on.

For what it is worth, In firms that specialize in family law, affair partners that marry are known as repeat customers.

The WS here at SI do not relect the reality of the rest of the world in my opinion. The vast majority have not done the work in a fashion comparable to the membership of SI. They have not addressed their Why's.

Therapists and counselors indicate that statistics are much much better than the general population for those that have completed appropriate therapy and done the work as long as psychological disorders, mental illness, and addiction are taken into account. Some report they would be the safest of spouses because of excellent boundaries and understanding of infidelity.

Individuals in these later categories (psychological disorders, mental illness, and addiction) do not fit into generalized statistics and should be taken on a case by case basis.

Note: I have not identified reliable sources of data. I could not locate suitable abstracts of studies of the answer to your question of overall numbers concerning divorce rates among APs.

Another question concerning healing and which methodologies are best is intriguing. I have seen no studies.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:52 AM, August 16th (Thursday)]

My Dad married his much younger AP a few months after my Mom died. They immediately had a kid together.

The marriage lasted about 2.5 - 3 years before she went back to her imprisoned, murderer ex husband (Really! Smh, you can't make this shit up!). That didn't last. She's been married & divorced MULTIPLE times. Currently divorced & sleeping with a married man, according to my little bro.

My former BIL's wife left him for their next door neighbor after 11 years marriage. He'd been married 20-something years to his BS.

Former SIL ditched her 3 little sons for OM (one of the boys was under 2 years old). Her Prince Charming left 5 tween-teenage daughters in the dust.

They're still together, coming up on a 20th anniversary.

An exHS boyfriend/friend and I had remained friends our whole lives (different states- via FB). I recently cut him out of my life completely because he left his lovely wife of 28 years to go play house with some stupid skank we went to HS with, who'd recently "reconnected" with him.

My exWH & the OW are still together, about 8 years...

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 8:48 AM, August 16th (Thursday)]

Brainfreeze,

The question caused reflection and discussion in real life. It was really sad when I/we pulled together data and snippets of history. It was such a waste to destroy relationships and families for so little.

RIO

I bet the happiness stats would be very low even after 5 years of marriage between APs from what I have noticed in real life. It seems economics plays a big role why more may not divorce. It is hard to keep dividing again and again.

I also think because nothing has been done regarding healing and boundaries cheating and wayward behavior continues in these relationships. I know the men and women proceeded unabated in the couples I knew closely until I could distance myself from them or cut them out of my life.

The above comments reflect my opinion based upon observations in my life.

I know of a couple that started out as AP, they have been married for 20 years. They fight constantly. Maybe fighting makes them happy

I can only think of two. A lady I used to work with. She had been single at the time and had an a with her married boss he divorced and they married. Marriednfir iver 20 years. No kids I have no idea if they are happy but it did t sound all that rosy. She left the job with him.

Another is our sons fiance’s Father. He had an a with a coworker. Both were married at the time. They both divorced and are together still about 10 years later. Hey are both extremely dysfunctional and have no contact with 3 if the kids from previous relationships including our sons fiance and their 2 year old.

I’m glad they have no contact with our grandson. They are horrible, selfish, unstable people.

Are they happy? I have no idea but I wouldn’t want to be like either of them.