SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to be a better person.

I felt like I did a decent job with r last time, honestly. I didn't walk away feeling like, "wow, he's a chump and I got away with something." It certainly was not a conscious thought.

My posts have always been clinical. It's who I am, right down to what I do professionally. I certainly cannot change my personality...at least not that part of it.

I honestly believed I was being helped and was helpful here a decade ago. I didn't do it to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, much less my own.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 6:17 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I don't want to 2x4 you either, but I feel like that's because I use 2x4s in situations where a some possibility it will make a difference. I wish I knew some way to be helpful, but I can't. Your BH needs to leave you. You know this as well as I do. To cheat twice, and to keep cheating after D-Day 2... you can never make amends for this. He will never feel safe. He will never BE safe. All of his hope for happiness depends on not risking himself with you again. That's not meant as a kick in the gut, although I'm sure it feels that way. It's just a statement of fact.

The hope I can give you is that it's never too late to become a better person. Somehow, you managed to become a preacher of remorse without becoming a true convert. That doesn't mean you can't go on a quest for what the real, undiscovered causes of your cheating are. But your marriage is over; you put a stake in the heart of it. The only kind thing you can do for your BH is a divorce on the most favorable terms possible and honesty to the people closest to you about what you've done. I can't imagine the courage that will take. I, for one, will try to be here to support you if you do that.

I will add that I also have one kid with severe anxiety and one on the spectrum. You and BH will both have to find some way of getting time to yourselves (separately) in order to be good parents to those kids. You can't pour from an empty vessel, and if you treat time with them as a kind of of penance, they will pay the price. Seriously, do not cut this corner. Find the resources to help so that the time that you spend with them is as positive as it can be under the circumstances

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:23 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

We both truly enjoy our kids. Spending time with them has never been a burden, and we've always made a ton of family time with them. I guess I threw those factoids in as one of the bazillion reasons neither of us has cut the cord on this marriage yet.

I know I need help. I just don't know how. When I say I truly felt like I worked hard last time, I really truly mean it. I'm at a loss on how to get started and how to TRULY fix the broken.

Eta: Cat, you're right. Maybe avoidance is an issue. I already know control is a huge issue.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 6:29 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I'm in agreement with BraveSirRobin about this. End the marriage. What you've done is now completely beyond salvaging and your BH needs to be free of you. Don't haggle over anything in the divorce. Even if you're legally entitled to 50% of marital assets, if he wants more then you should give him whatever he wants. Legally you may be entitled to it, but morally speaking you deserve basically nothing.

Additionally, if your affair(s) haven't been disclosed to family and friends, change that. Tell them what you did, tell them it's the reason for the divorce, and make it abundantly clear that your BH bears absolutely none of the blame for it. The last thing he needs is people judging him or assuming he did wrong. He's going to need support from people he can actually trust and depend on.

I can almost see how someone can cheat again,years later. But,after he found out the second time, how could you keep cheating? You saw his devastation, and still continued to stab him in the heart. And you claim to love him?

After the second dday, I'm sure you were saying all the things you said after the first affair. And doing the same things. So you were faking it.

It's just mind blowing that you were probably holding your husband as he sobbed, then sneaking off to fuck your AP.

You betrayed your husband,and your children. Again. I'm just stunned.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:33 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Hellfire, you would be wrong in your assessment. I was a bitch, pure and simple. I didn't even try to pretend right after DD.

I'm struggling now because I feel terrible that I've done this again, but cannot get it right to try and fix. I feel completely empty and cold.

Do you feel terrible for what you've done or because people will know what you've done and you will need to face consequences for your actions?

You don't seem to concerned about your BH. As I said previously you were were more concerned about telling us about how angry a person he was, hire he yelled at your kids at times. Totally glossing over the hurt and devastation he must be going through.

You have also been asked several times if the OBGF knows but you haven't answered.

I was a bitch, pure and simple. I didn't even try to pretend right after DD.

Are you at least able to understand how this was even possible given your previous affair? To see the pain, the disbelief, the horror in his eyes and care so little that you couldn't even manage the pretense of remorse or even regret just doesn't make sense unless you're actually a sociopath.

[This message edited by firenze at 6:51 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Maybe I'm a sociopath. I don't necessarily think so, but perhaps. I was completely shut off. I feel like I'm starting to feel a little bit more recently. Up until a few months ago, I had turned off all feelings and emotions to everyone and everything, just robotically moving through my life.

I do feel terrible for what I've done. I wish everyday I could undo what I've done.

The OM's gf does not know.

and wrote articles in the Healing Library.

Which articles did you write? I just checked and didn't see you listed as the author on any.

Sorry, I assumed,since your husband found out,and you took it underground for a year, that your husband must have given you another chance.

Your husband has been terribly abused, and traumatized, by your actions. I hope he decides to post here, anyway. He needs our support.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:14 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

#5 in the faqs for WS. I thought there was another at one time, but can't find it.

His girlfriend needs to be told.

It's actually #10. It's still there

We both truly enjoy our kids. Spending time with them has never been a burden, and we've always made a ton of family time with them. I guess I threw those factoids in as one of the bazillion reasons neither of us has cut the cord on this marriage yet.

See, here's one example of what you need to look out for, which is caring too much about the image you project here. You're getting off on being the self-flagellating, remorseful wayward --"Look how good I am at admitting I suck!" That went well for you last time, after all. You were An Achiever at Remorse. Now you're back and still trying to control the narrative. If someone suggests that you might find it oppressive to cater to special needs kids during a divorce, you rush to reframe the comment. Again, I have children who have these exact challenges. What you wrote was that "they are not easy kids to parent," and you were right on the money there. I love mine so deeply, but they take a huge amount of energy, consistency and patience. But you feel your image as a stellar parent is at risk, so you're pivoting back to "We spend tons of time with them and are happy every minute of it!"

Here's an opportunity where a 2x4 is useful: cut the crap. It is hard to keep equilibrium in these scary, frustrating, button-pushing situations. You will fail at it some of the time. You failed at finding remorse because you took control of people's reactions to your transgressions by getting out in front of them, instead of really absorbing what it all meant. If you want real change, sit back and let the comments wash over you for a while. Stop the frequent responses. Listen and exist in the moment. Let people express feelings about you that you do not control.

Ah! Thanks WH5. I was looking and couldn't find it. I've read through it a dozen times in the past couple weeks. I didn't even recognized it when I read it. I guess that says something.

Not worth it. Disregard.

[This message edited by 66charger at 7:33 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

You're right. I have an image I project in every aspect of my life and spend an incredible amount of time making sure everyone buys it.

We do love our kids, but dear God...they are the biggest pain in the ass teenagers you've met most of the time. They suck every once of energy out of both of us everyday.

Better? That is the honest truth.

I've already read your post, and you're right 66charger. I've behaved like a monster.

I'm trying to figure things out. If this isn't the right place to do that, I completely understand.