SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No stop sign so I will ask. I ‘m a BS. You make it a point to mention you control situations and people. You bulldoze over counselors You’re educated and aggressive. Do you think that at some point your personality dictates the rules don’t apply to you? You’re a strong personality and you had another A because you wanted to, and if people don’t like it get the fuck out of the way. Is this your way of showing the world you will do whatever the fuck you want? I am truly curious to see your response on how you see it.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:38 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Manyregrets, Do you realise how damaging your thread could be to many BS who post here?.

I would hope there was a way for some to Not be able to read a word you wrote.

It is beyond careless. In my opinion your thread should be erased. I don't see how this could ever help anyone survive infidelity.

I shall bow out. The curtain is yours.

Nope, don't think that's it at all.

Honestly, I truly believe the first one was a combination of postpartum depression, an issue with my foo, and the fact that immediately after giving birth (the second time) I was having dreams & flashbacks of sexual and physical abuse as a child. I just wanted to escape. I would have rather been hit by a bus, in all honesty.

The second time was boundaries, stress, etc. I haven't figured it all out. I do know I have significant control issues. It's something BH and I have discussed at length. I may sound completely pulled together, but my coping techniques are nil.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 7:44 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

66charger,

The very reason for the Wayward Forum is for WS's to work through their thoughts and feelings. If you or any BS's find yourself triggering when reading here, you probably should step away from the thread for a while.

Sorry, I haven't completely figured out all of the nuances to posting here again. Responding to 66charger - there never used to be stop signs on SI, Waywards posted and BS's were free to respond. They were warned there maybe triggery posts, because it was the WS place. Proceed with caution, etc. It actually was helpful to me to hear from them.

I reached out and had a discussion about this post with admin because I knew it would be difficult. I apologize if I'm hurting others.

ETA: there's a reason I left the stop sign off. I need to be shaken out of the zombie state I've been in.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 8:03 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

BraveSirRobin makes some good points.

I'm wondering why you make a deal out of wanting BS to post and then ignoring their questions? You know that this the nightmare that every reconciled BS lives with every damned day, but you just ignore the questions on this thread.

What were you thinking as you crossed EACH boundary (that apparently you are too good to need)?

You KNEW exactly what you were doing EVERY FRIGGING STEP of the way... and you did it anyhow. Did you EVER think of the consequences? Or were you too smart to be caught?

Did you ever think about the harm you were causing to your BH?

How in God's name can you say that you "love" your BH? What kind of fucked up idea of "love" is that? I assume you realize that saying this is akin to a wife beater saying "I love you" to her bloody and bruised body crumpled on the floor...

I'm with the other posters that you need to pull the final plug on your M. You've agreed to terms, so just file. Don't make your BH have to be the one to do it - haven't you put him through enough?

This is going to sound really dumb -

I haven't answered every single question because this has been a pretty fast moving thread, I do have 2 kids with some extra needs, I have a full time, fairly challenging career, and quite honestly, I can't find the "respond" button to answer each question individually. As it is, my 15 year old daughter made waffles for the family for dinner while I was responding here.

I AM NOT USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE - I have a fucked up view of love. Think beaten until bones are broken and sexual abuse as a kid (2 separate loved ones in my life). I am cold, unattached, and clinical. I have compartmentalization down to a science.

The OM knows my history. Was a friend from when we were 12 & 13. I rolled a car down an embankment and he pulled me out to "save me" when I was 16. He "rescued" me multiple times from bad situations when I was a kid. He was the *only* person I completely trusted for years before I met my BH. I told him everything then. It's been over 30 years, and we hadn't stepped over that inappropriate line in the sand, and I trusted him. It was the stupid slippery slope, and I didn't think I had to worry about it with him. I was stupid, and it's my fault.

Eta: I did not think of BH, only myself, as before, while in the A.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 8:52 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

get over yourself cut your dying husband loose for his own good and for the love of god don't marry again some people are beyond redemption. yes you are a bad person. there ARE bad people in this world and you are one.

I would never marry again. Nobody has to worry about that. I am very obviously not good at it.

you also don't plan on mercifully cutting your BH loose, you're leaving all the heavy lifting and dirty work on him. I suspect you posted so much here before because it made you feel superior like you were in control again. number one rule is not just friends and you couldn't or wouldn't even do that.

Actually, he has been encouraging me to read and work things out here. This isn't the most comfortable place for a WS, and I'm honestly not a masochist in any way.

I want help, but I do not plan on posting 4000+ times in the next year like I did last time. I was feeling like a voyeur and posted. I'm not in a place to give help to anyone else anytime soon.

ETA: this is not a fresh wound for us. BH and I have had multiple discussions about D, papers are in our house, I can and will file. I just don't know if either of us are there yet. If that's what he wants, I will do it without question. I just don't know/he doesn't know if that's where we are at now.

[This message edited by ManyRegrets at 9:17 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

never. .you will never be in a place to help others. no BS or WS truly trying to get out of infidelity could take anything you said seriously. as far as I'm concerned you will never have credibility. Just because your husband isn't working toward divorce doesn't mean it isn't best for him do it for him, one thing do one thing just for him. be the abusive spouse that actually does the right thing.

Hilarious "a fresh wound for us" who are you kidding? you knifed him in the back you have no wound what a joke

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:21 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

You sound a lot like my STBXWH, controlling and highly managing of outward appearances. He often mentioned his inability to feel, which seems a lot like the clinical, detached zombie-like state you describe and exhibit. But he was so good at faking it, too. Nobody saw his cold and calculating ways until the false persona fell and he destroyed the image of a trustworthy partner and safe marriage, along with brutally destroying the life I once knew. You need to let it sink in how massively and deeply destructive this is to the BS. You seem to have a major block there in the empathy department.

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EDIT: I want to add here (without changing my overall response) that after reading your post above, you owe it to yourself to seek out help from a qualified and talented therapist. You are revealing some intimate details about your past history of abuse, which may help with the unfreezing process, but IMO you would do well to have some professional guidance in doing this kind work since there is obvious trauma involved. You've been through a lot, but you are still a human being (not a robot even thought it may feel like that) and you deserve to get the help you need in order to feel whole again.

---

You said you want to snap out of it. Who knows if you can simply snap out of it? My guess would be no because it's not that easy, but if you really want to unfreeze, you need to understand that no therapist on earth can do this work for you. You have to do it yourself, yet ironically you won’t be able to do the work alone. The therapist or counselor is there to guide you through the rough waters of the process. However, you will need to do the difficult work of letting what’s there inside be revealed, which means giving up control. It's how you will unearth your whys and how you can heal yourself.

I strongly suspect your FOO issues including sexual abuse have locked away some deep unconscious shame as a protective measure. I don’t mean to armchair, but I was just reading up on toxic shame (thanks to inspiration from another poster here in Wayward). It's simple - to get better, get at the root of the problem. But it's not going to be easy. It's the most difficult yet potentially the most rewarding work you'll do, and it's up to you.

Finding a good therapist and allowing their guidance is the part under your control, and as ironic as it may seem, giving up control is the doorway. This includes putting a stop to bulldozing and managing the perceptions of others. In other words, if you really want to "get better" take real control and stop blocking your own passageway.

[This message edited by burninghouse at 11:04 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I'm sure he'll appreciate your concern.

I've been really clear on this thread. I know I'm fucked up. I don't know how to fix it. I've also been really clear that neither of us are ready to file for d. It's something that has been discussed at length, right down to filling out paperwork and sorting out assets.

If you have something productive to add other than divorce your husband, I appreciate it. There have been a lot of useful comments here, but I'll be bowing out for the evening. Thanks for the time.

You don't know how to fix it and his job isn't to fix it so D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I agree with divorce.

You are broken in a way that is clearly not easy to fix, so just accept the brokenness and live the life of a single woman. Be kind to your BS and let him go find someone who is a better match.

This is one of the saddest stories I read on SI. It's devastating to BSs, sure, but it's also devastating to WSs who are trying to convince their BSs, that 'once a cheater always a cheater' doesn't apply to them.

This really is heartbreaking.

And triggering.

I'm really trying to get a better picture of your situation. Could you/somebody put a link to your article in the Healing Library, I can't find it, I'm obviously doing something wrong

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 1:03 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Dear ManyRegrets,

The questions I would like you to answer is... What do you really want in this marriage? Do you want to make your marriage work?

Best,

Dreamer

This story really killed all hopes, damn, this is just so sad. I'm going to cry. 12 years... Enough time to build a new life with somebody else. But now, ruins and devastation. Again. How can a person do this, I don't understand. OK, the step by step is clear, but you can stop at every point on this journey, turn around. Think. Remember the devastation. I'm speechless. Sorry

You fixed it 15 or so years ago. Perhaps you didn't know it at the time, but discontinuing the steps that fixed you the first time, may be the cause for your latest misdeed.

Maybe your recovery requires posting and sharing here on SI or regularly seeing a therapist throughout your marriage, as opposed to having an expiration date. That's all water under the bridge now though.

Controlling the dialogue with therapist is a significant disclosure worthy of asking the therapist the meaning of. Smart people are remarkably adept at manipulating there environment to obtain their objective or defend others from reaching theirs.

Old friend or not, when adult men and women have personal communications and discuss one another's lives, the chance of things advancing are pretty good. You knew this though and knew the potential devastation to you, your husband and your kids, but dismissed those thoughts anyway. Not to berate you here, but that in itself is a major discussion point to broach with a professional.

In addition to betraying, I would add, he feels disrespected, humiliated and emasculated as well. Being a repeat BS and the continued PA after D-Day is where the disrespect, humiliation and emasculation comes into play just FYI. If I read correctly, you continued having sex with your AP after D-Day for 3-4 months and then stopped. Why and how did you end it?