SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been asked to not post and let this thread die, by more than one person (how many on this thread?) and via pm. I will continue to read here and down the line will perhaps start to post.

I'm in the minority, I guess, but I feel like you should be allowed to post on the wayward side without being asked or told to not post. That would be like telling an alcoholic or drug addict that's been sober for a decade and just relapsed that they're not welcome at AA meetings or rehab because the idea of them relapsing to too upsetting to other people.

This should be a safe space for you to work out what you need to, and if BS's are triggered, then they need to come to terms with the fact that yes, their WS could cheat again, even many years down the road. There are no guarantees in life, or in reconciliation. And the more I read here, the more I realize that reconciliation is an on going, life long process. No one is "cured" or "safe" at the five year mark.

If BS's are being triggered by something on the wayward forum, perhaps they should stay out of the wayward forum for awhile. I would recommend that any future posts you may post here have a stop sign.

Breaking my self imposed rule, but I can't stop reading this thread...

Don't stop posting, this should be your safe place, your sounding board. Of course, a lot of people are disappointed, some are angry, some sad (me, for instance), but still, If you think (and I sure hope so) you can learn, you should post. Maybe re-read posts after a while, when you won't feel so attacked. Learn from people around you. We can learn a lot from people we disappoint. Of course, their expectations can be to high, irrational, invalid, but we can still learn, they help us to complete our personal jigsaw puzzles.

I can say, I learned a lot from this schlamassel. And if there is one thing I learned in my 56 years it's this: don't take anything for granted.

Overall, I am glad she came here. She is posting the truth.

As a two timer and with her personality I recommended that she read and listen more than post.

I am R neutral. I am fine with R, it is a practical choice quite often, but I will not cheer lead for it out of respect for those who choose to D, which is a perfectly valid choice.

If 60-70% of WS ultimately cheat again, that is something the BS community deserves to know. I am pro BS healing, not pro any particular R program.

If 60-70% of WS ultimately cheat again, that is something the BS community deserves to know.

Can you cite your source?

This is my first post on the topic. I think you should stay and post - and really figure out your true whys. Maybe you never fully tackled them in the first place. Are you conflict avoidant? Is that why you are avoiding some of the tough questions now?

Yes, this thread is tough for a BS to read - but we don’t have to read it. We can choose not to. I personally know it’s a risk I am taking by reconciling. The thought of it happening again is always there. I am very interested to see how you got to that point again.

Why don’t you post with a stop sign? Just a thought.

That would be like telling an alcoholic or drug addict that's been sober for a decade and just relapsed that they're not welcome at AA meetings or rehab because the idea of them relapsing to too upsetting to other people.

No, actually. This is more like an alcoholic that, while drinking and driving runs over an innocent pedestrian. And then gets sober and as part of their amends spends years working with the family of the victim in therapy. As well as doing therapy with the families of thousands of other victims of drunk drivers. Maybe writes a self help book about the dangers of drinking and driving. And then relapses and gets behind the wheel of a car drunk again and runs down another pedestrian.

That’s closer to an apt analogy. And I’m sorry if I seem intolerant but I’ve hit my limit this week... funny cause usually I get accused of being too soft on waywards.

I usually manage to be understanding of WS’ because I believe that deep down they couldn’t possible understand then level of pin and damage their actions inflict. But anyone who spends enough time here on SI to accumulate 8000 post has to know has to see how dangerous and damaging infidelity is.

Unless they are simply incapable of seeing other people’s pain as real.

It’s that or they simply do not care about other people’s pain.

So take your pick: incapable of empathy or evil. Either one of those things are not fixable here on Website. This members problems are bigger than SI. Like I said I hope she gets the help she needs. But I don’t think she will get it here.

Just my opinion. Obviously she is free to do as she sees fit.

Many Regrets: I've read your posts on this thread. You remind me in many ways of the WGF who dumped me. Your voice here on SI reminds me of her voice. She has never entered into another exclusive LTR. She is plain and simply a free spirit who does not wish to be tied down to a committed monogamous relationship. My sense of you is that, in your heart, this is your truth.

MR-

Your problem isnt just psychological. It's on a heart level. I understand what happened to you. I do. If you wanna talk I'm here. Pm me. I'm praying for you.

70x70

Please keep posting.

I've read as much of these posts as I can comprehend, but I feel like I've missed something. I'm sorry if it's been told already, but what is your story?

What happened the first time? How were you caught? Was there TT?

What's the story this second time? How were you caught?

Again, I'm sorry if I missed it, but I feel it's relevant.

I'm with Maia, this is on the heart level.

I also differ from other posters when I say that if you decide on divorce you are taking yet one more choice away from your husband.

My wife had decided that with all that she had done that I'd never forgive her.

Until she finally stopped and listened to what I and others were saying, she felt that way.

In fact since she had decided that, without ever confessing, she had decided we needed a divorce.

It was her way of not having to face the real issue and controlling things.

I am not ultimately saying what you've done is a deal breaker or not.

After all, my faith is based on forgiveness and redemption.

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

Matthew 18:21-22

That is the crux of my faith. If I won't forgive others of their sins, then I won't be forgiven of mine.

May God bless you and your family!

It spiralled quickly and because an EA/PA that went on for months. BH discovered, and I went underground with it, then trickle truthed before finally NC. OM lives with a long term girlfriend and their kids.

I went back to your first post, just want to ask as I feel it is pretty important - are you TRULY NC with the OM? Have you cut off all communication? Have you given your BH 100% of the truth and full transparency? Because you said this time it was a full on EA/PA and this was a friend from the past who you admitted you had romantic feelings for in the past. So where is it now?

And I think I saw very briefly you touched on the fact that the OM's girlfriend does not know. Has that changed?

I've been asked to not post and let this thread die, by more than one person (how many on this thread?) and via pm.

That's so incredibly absurd. As heartbreaking as it is to know how many of our BSs have triggered because of this post and some certainly taking it out on you, its not your fault or this posts fault it's because of their own WS and for anyone to actually suggest that you silence yourself is heartbreaking as well. You are being treated as if this is the first time anyone has made this choice. And its taking away from the support and advice that some of us can offer.

I don't ever make the suggestion to use a stop sign but when a poster and thread devolves into this shit show I think it can be useful, wise even. I am much like you and I prefer hard truths and that comes with leaving it open to BS responses but some of the responses you have gotten here is beyond that.

I'm usually tough on repeat offenders and I'll tell you all about it one day but I just couldn't bring myself to it after the way you've been treated by some. I'm sorry this has been your experience.

Please keep posting. The wayward forum is for you to post.

This time - OM was an old friend. We were very close in high school and college, then for a short while after that. We've stayed in contact off and on throughout the years, and in the fall of 2016 started messaging me. I've never felt like I've needed to enforce boundaries or be careful with him because we were "just friends". Although, if I'm being honest with myself there were periods of time in my life that more romantic feelings started to develop (prior to me meeting my BH) and there wasn't action taken on them. Anyway, he and I are from a small town miles from where I live now, he was working here, and was bored and lonely. I asked if he wanted to meet me for pizza and beer one night. We did, talked for hours and went our separate ways. The messages picked up and we met more frequently - lunches, a workout, etc. It spiralled quickly and because an EA/PA that went on for months. BH discovered, and I went underground with it, then trickle truthed before finally NC. OM lives with a long term girlfriend and their kids.

You want to fix yourself? Start by being honest to yourself. I do not for a minute believe that you did not know where this relationship was heading from that very first pizza and beer. Did you tell your BH about the first messages, that first date (Because that is what it was.)? Did you start out hiding this relationship? Just be honest. This is someone with which you had history. You viewed him as someone that rescued you earlier in life. You admit to romantic feelings for him at various points in your life. You knew exactly where this was going from the first message and to deny that is to deny any hope that you are going to become a safe partner for anyone.

Don't you find it interesting that people requesting you to stop posting are also likely doing so to control?

More often than not, we try to control that which we fear.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 11:51 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Do people understand they don’t need to read on this side or stop reading something if they don’t like it? It’s really unfair for us to say who can stay or who needs to go. We can’t make everyone comfortable on here which is why they probably have the different forms. Honestly I didn’t think this side will even exist if it was all about making people comfortable.

She is not the first person here to say they cheated again and we have heard BS’s stories that the WS cheated again and she certainly won’t be the last and will hear it again from BS. Her story won’t determine the outcome of what others WS will do or don’t do.

I've been asked to not post and let this thread die, by more than one person (how many on this thread?) and via pm.

Look, I'm a BW, and I will say that this 100% inappropriate. If any BS are using the Wayward Forum in order to comfort themselves about their choices or to feel safe from being cheated on again, then I need to suggest that this is probably not a constructive use of their time. You cannot control the external world in order to make yourself safe. You can only have such a firm inner peace that the failings of others do not shake you.

I don't think I ever looked at the Wayward Forum until I was 2-3 years into reconciliation and healing. It just never occurred to me. I was focused on the work I needed to do. Now I have some distance and I think that sometimes I can offer a fresh perspective without it impacting me emotionally in the slightest, so I look if I have time.

BS, please know yourselves. If reading that a WS can have 8,000 posts and think she has done the work and cheat again causes you any symptoms of panic, then you are not ready to read here. And that's OK. Put on your oxygen mask before you worry about helping others.

ManyRegrets, unless a moderator tells you that you have broken a rule, you are in the clear. I think your story is a good lesson for many of us because it pops the bubble on some of the faulty constructions we've built to keep ourselves safe. We need to know that we are safe because *we* are enough. We are loved. We are strong. Bad things will still happen to us in life and we cannot, we will not, spend our lives so afraid of pain that we forget to live.

To be clear, MR has not broken any rules and is free to post here as long as she follows the guidelines, just like any other member.

I've continued to read this thread, since my first few posts. The more I think about it,the more this whole thing saddens me.

However, it's really not surprising, I suppose. If someone shows you what they're capable of, logically, you know it's possible it will happen again. Reconciliation is a risk. A BS should go into it with their eyes wide open,and know their spouse could very well cheat again. Unfortunate, but true.

I was talking this over with a friend who used to be an active member here. Apparently the OP's situation isnt unheard of. Hufi-Pufi, who has one of the most shared threads ever here on SI, and other similar sites, who seemed to REALLY get it, broke NC after years of NC, and had restarted at least the emotional side of his affair.

None of this means every cheater will cheat again. But it is a good reminder to all BS to understand there are NO guarantees. If you stay with someone who cheated on you, they very well may do it again. And they may never cheat again. It's a risk. One each BS needs to really consider,if they attempt reconciliation.

OP, I hope you continue to post here.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:13 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

As a BS I'm saying keep posting, it's absurd that people are asking you to stop, this is the Wayward forum after all. If they don't want to read your posts they can ignore your thread.

As a SI member you're entitled to support or 2x4s, whichever's needed, don't let anyone chase you away.

Keep posting.

Add my voice in agreement that no one except a moderator or administrator has the right to tell you not to remain on SI. “Absurd” was used to describe it by other posters, and I find that term to be quite accurate.

This is your forum, ManyRegrets, and mine, and all of us WSs’. As long as we all follow the rules, we are all welcome here.